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Original poster

Misogynist husband. Divorce?

110 replies

itchyfinger · 05/06/2020 06:05

My husband is generally a good one, a good dad and we get along well most of the time, though not always.

Last night we had a fight, and the subject is something that's cropped up a few times in our relationship, and it's making me wonder if we are fundamentally so so different and whether I can be with him/raise my kids with him.

We were watching a TV show, and he started complaining that there were "too many women" in it, and how it's not equality for woman if a cast is almost all women Hmm I started off quite calmly explaining that the balance of women in TV needs to be redressed, but everytime I started to speak he would roll his eyes and interrupt me by swearing and muttering under his breath. This happened every SINGLE time I tried to talk, and eventually the argument blew up, with him calling me a stupid crazy feminist and, eventually, a cunt. Throughout this I didn't name call once or swear, I was trying to stick to the argument about women on TV, but, as with many disagreements I have with him he starts swearing and namecalling and eye rolling.

As I said, this argument around womens rights has come up a few times. Once he said that more women lie about being raped than are actually raped. This blew up too and it's always stuck with me that he said that. Other gems have been that we dont live in a patriarchal society because we have a queen and that he hates lesbians who make themselves look like men.

I know he is a misogynist. But what do I do? I dont want my kids being brought up hearing this shit (I have a boy and a girl), but equally I dont think i want to split up and have a broken family, he does have some very good parts of him.

I know this post is going to make people really angry but I'm crying as I write this because it's really tearing me apart. I feel like staying with him when I know this is how he feels is being dishonest to myself and my kids, but splitting up seems very dramatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
itchyfinger · 05/06/2020 06:07

Reading back I realise I've said "my kids". He is their dad. They are our kids.

OP posts:
SiaPR · 05/06/2020 06:14

Listen to what he is telling you. This is what he is telling your daughter. He believes women are liars and cunts, he believes his wife is a liar and a cunt, he believes his daughter is etc. Do this for her. And for your son, so he never grows up to call a woman a liar or a cunt.

Shoxfordian · 05/06/2020 06:24

He is not generally good at all. He's a misogynist. How can you raise your children around his toxic views? Has he always been like this?

Original poster
itchyfinger · 05/06/2020 06:37

He doesnt openly speak about these views, these are conversations that have cropped up maybe 4/5 times in our relationship. But I do know that deep down this is how he thinks. He does always interrupt me and swear at me whenever we have any kind of difficult discussion though, and i feel like even this is deep rooted sexism, not wanting me to speak.

OP posts:
SiaPR · 05/06/2020 06:40

He doesnt openly speak about these views but he talks over you and uses abusive language to you? So these are the things your children are learning. Are you ok with that?

Summerhillsquare · 05/06/2020 06:51

The trouble is that those views, however rarely mentioned, show a fundamental disrespect for you. He thinks women are inferior, subordinate. If it hasn't already, it will manifest in decision making, money management etc.

totallyyesno · 05/06/2020 07:03

That's really tough. If you love him I would try counselling first but I'm not sure I could stay with someone who thought like this. Struggling to understand how you didn't notice before though.
we dont live in a patriarchal society because we have a queen
Ask him why we have had so few queens - would love to see how he argues that one!

Wagamamas · 05/06/2020 07:06

Dump him.

PicsInRed · 05/06/2020 07:10

What's he like if you say "no" to him? About anything?

What about when the children express opinions he doesn't agree with?

Rottnest · 05/06/2020 07:11

What Siapr said, I absolutely agree. He is not a good father or husband when he holds and expresses such view, and these are his strongly held views. In the same position, I could not respect such a man, I could not share a life with him.

If your children are young, they may not be aware of his strongly held views, yet, but they will become aware and be influenced by his beliefs.

Is this how you want your children to grow up?
He may provide for them materially, but he is not a good role model for your children, and probably they will work this out for themselves.
TBH I would not choose to expose my children to a man who believes it is okay to call the mother of his children a cunt, and women in general liars.
This behaviour did not come out of fresh air, it has been 'learned' over several generations, it is time to end this misoginystic behaviour.

AJPTaylor · 05/06/2020 07:17

He called you a cunt? Hmm
You want to remain married to him?

Mumoblue · 05/06/2020 07:20

Ugh that's awful.
I think you do need to divorce. You shouldn't be with someone who views women in such a way.

GoGoGadgetShoes · 05/06/2020 07:26

OP, I can understand why this is worrying you, because it is disturbing.

I realised something similar about my STBXH during the process of our separation. He wasn't as overtly misogynistic but would always have reasons why my examples of sexism (experienced or in the media) were exaggerated or untrue. Discussions about rape or experiences of abuse were downplayed with a lot of NAMALT and questioning of my reasoning or evidence.

Well, during our separation and after a lot of counselling on my side, I realised that this had been the tip of the iceberg and was just the very visible end of a deeply entrenched misogynistic attitude which had in fact coloured our entire relationship and all his treatment of me. I discovered some awful truths about him, and his attitude to women in general, and me in particular.

I think I knew it deep down for years but couldn't admit it to myself, as such a stuanch feminist it just woudln't compute in my head - I couldn't have married a misogynist! I was a strong, independent women, etc etc. It was a relief to take the lid off that Pandora's box in the end, as it really helped me understand a lot of other behaviours that had affected me.

Anyway, that was longer than intended and i don't want to project my experiences onto others... but just wanted to say that this is still a big red flag and it is certainly worth considering whether it's reflected in his treatment of you in other areas.

TwilightPeace · 05/06/2020 07:30

He does always interrupt me and swear at me whenever we have any kind of difficult discussion though, and i feel like even this is deep rooted sexism, not wanting me to speak.

Ok nope! Couldn’t be with a man like that. He thinks he’s superior to you and doesn’t see you as a person worthy of respect. That’s not love, sorry.

Pebblexox · 05/06/2020 07:59

Honestly it really just depends on how important is it that your children grow up having similar beliefs to him. I wouldn't be okay with my dh speaking like that around my daughter. Especially if he's calling you derogatory names, as she would grow up thinking that's acceptable and if he's a decent father he wouldn't accept a man speaking to his daughter like that, so why is it okay for him to speak to you that way? Also do you want son growing thinking that's acceptable behaviour towards women? Would you be okay with him speaking to his future partners like that?
If the answer is no, you need to sit down and have a very serious conversation with your husband about the future of your marriage.

JudyCoolibar · 05/06/2020 07:59

You should point out to him that the way he interrupts and swears at you demonstrates the weakness of his argument, because he clearly cannot cope with hearing a different viewpoint, nor can he construct a reasoned argument against what you are saying. Every time he does this, thank him for admitting you are correct.

Original poster
itchyfinger · 05/06/2020 08:17

I'm trying to read all of the replies while looking after the kids, sorry for the slow replies.

I have spoken to him this morning and he says that he cant understand why I got so angry about something so "trivial". I said it's not trivial to me and he said it was to him. Again, constantly interrupting and not letting me finish. I'm at a loss at what to do. I look at my 2 children and think I cant break up this family, but I'm filled with rage at last night.

If I wait until it all blows over then next time the subject comes up I will feel the same. I dont know what to do.

OP posts:
CorianderLord · 05/06/2020 08:19

If he hates women then yes I would leave him. No way could I be with someone who views my gender with distain.

When you're daughter grows older he will hate her if she is a masculine lesbian, he'll tell her not to be like other women, if she, god forbid, is assaulted... will he believe her?

CandyLeBonBon · 05/06/2020 08:20

Nope. Couldn't stick with him and his behaviour and attitudes will erode you until there is nothing left.

Pebblexox · 05/06/2020 08:21

Keeping children in a home where you're unhappy is more damaging to them, than a broken home where they have two happy parents.

TheABC · 05/06/2020 08:23

It's not just the arguments. What about his attitude to money, housework, the way you will raise your daughter compared to your son?

Who does the majority of childcare and life admin at the moment, OP?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2020 08:24

He is breaking up this family here by acting as he does and will continue to do. Such attitudes are deeply ingrained and likely too go back a couple of generations.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what do you think they are learning here from you two?.

I would start putting in plans to leave your H by seeking legal advice, after all knowledge is power.

TwilightPeace · 05/06/2020 08:27

I look at my 2 children and think I cant break up this family, but I'm filled with rage at last night

Now that you’ve noticed what he’s truly like, you’ll probably start to notice other seemingly little things that annoy you.
What’s the rest of the relationship like?

Also, if you did end the marriage it would be better for your children to have a happy mother than one who isn’t allowed to have an opinion because daddy keeps cutting her off and swearing at her.

wildone84 · 05/06/2020 09:09

I dumped someone who called me a cunt. I don't regret it. Good men don't speak like this to women. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. You haven't got a good man.

pointythings · 05/06/2020 09:10

The bottom line is that your children will learn his attitudes from him whilst constantly sensing your distress. Staying together is not always the best thing - and this man is toxic. You and your DC deserve better.