Misogynist husband. Divorce?

[itchyfinger]

My husband is generally a good one, a good dad and we get along well most of the time, though not always.

Last night we had a fight, and the subject is something that's cropped up a few times in our relationship, and it's making me wonder if we are fundamentally so so different and whether I can be with him/raise my kids with him.

We were watching a TV show, and he started complaining that there were "too many women" in it, and how it's not equality for woman if a cast is almost all women I started off quite calmly explaining that the balance of women in TV needs to be redressed, but everytime I started to speak he would roll his eyes and interrupt me by swearing and muttering under his breath. This happened every SINGLE time I tried to talk, and eventually the argument blew up, with him calling me a stupid crazy feminist and, eventually, a cunt. Throughout this I didn't name call once or swear, I was trying to stick to the argument about women on TV, but, as with many disagreements I have with him he starts swearing and namecalling and eye rolling.

As I said, this argument around womens rights has come up a few times. Once he said that more women lie about being raped than are actually raped. This blew up too and it's always stuck with me that he said that. Other gems have been that we dont live in a patriarchal society because we have a queen and that he hates lesbians who make themselves look like men.

I know he is a misogynist. But what do I do? I dont want my kids being brought up hearing this shit (I have a boy and a girl), but equally I dont think i want to split up and have a broken family, he does have some very good parts of him.

I know this post is going to make people really angry but I'm crying as I write this because it's really tearing me apart. I feel like staying with him when I know this is how he feels is being dishonest to myself and my kids, but splitting up seems very dramatic.

@Enny70 I agree that makes should have their own cultural entertainment, I thought that the introduction of more female presenters on sporting problems was to reflect the spectators many of whom are informed women.

I think is much culture for teenage boys (I have to watch/read/hear about a lot of it) that, yes does have female roles, our teenage boys just accept that male/female whatever are all part of the world. Best person for the job.

But you walk the corridors of power, look in boardrooms, hear about the police, the places where decisions, money, power, networks change hands. And it's a different story. So the fact that a female comments on cricket is neither here nor there. But in some ways the visual representation of females on sporting programmes hopefully starts to breakdown the assumption of incompetence that needs to feed up to the top. Or we will end up with a world full of leaders like "grab them by the pussy" Trumps. And that is poison.

I'm not quite so eager to just say 'dump him' as you've got kids. This isn't a bloke who you've been seeing for 6 months.

You married him for a reason so you surely must try and sit down and talk to him in a non judgemental manner so you can tell him how you feel. Importantly he doesn't have to agree with you 100% but he DOES have to understand and respect your opinions.

I think a lot of people on here are living out their frustrations through your relationship hence their rather abrupt advice on 'that's it, it's done, he's horrible.'

Just imagine if you could explain how you feel and, gasp, he might actually see your point of view of given a chance?

Nah. Dump him. NOW!!!!

Joke.

@frozendaisy

Im not sure that that’s the effect it’s having though. I think when it comes to the commentary on sports that are played by men that used to always be commentated on by former male players, it comes off more as women simply pushing there way into something men made and do because they want that job and expect men to give it to them, not because they actually should be there (because how could they belong with former male players). That they’ve unilaterally decided to change something men have made and enjoyed and men just better get with it, even though the reality is men are solely responsible for the sports sucess - so why on earth should they be forced to change what they enjoy?

So the message the teenage boys are getting isn’t one of competence but rather that no matter what they do or make, women think they’re owed a price of it.

Im not sure how to explain, but the teenage boys almost seem to have got the message that women expect to be provided for, but in a new fashioned way - like they can’t let men have their own creative control of their own creations but will always feel owed by men to be able to control it. Kind of like forcing men into a shotgun marriage with them but with creative stuff or sport - so they always get half of whatever men make.

Anyway the effect that I’m seeing is that it seems to be turning boys off the idea of gender equality as far as work stuff goes, not onto it. I get their point really, but I do wonder if many of them won’t become quite misogynistic because of it.

I really think trying to force everything men enjoy to change to cater to women is a big mistake.

@frozendaisy

I was kind of rambling but I just wanted to add, who decided that the sports presenters needed to reflect female fans? Not men or male sports fans. That’s the point - it’s the attitude of, we have the right to change things you enjoy from women that is turning boys off ime.

This is a two year thread that was started in Relationships for the OP to get advice on her relationship. It's pretty bad form to resurrect it to talk about the issue in the abstract, and as with all zombie threads it's now causing people who haven't seen the original date to waste their time giving advice that's presumably no longer needed.

I hope that the OP has addressed the issue one way or another.

OP, your husband is a piece of scum from the gutter. The fact that he has a DAUGHTER and yet still thinks so low of women, is scary. Your daughter is better off far away from him. And you son, who will learn that his behaviour and attitudes are how you treat women.

He is abusive. He is verbally abusive to you and controlling. He think women make up rape accusations? Evidence shows that less than 2% of accusations are false, and far more women are raped than even reported.

He truly hates women. He HATES women. Why stay with him? If he made the comment about rape to me, I would have spun on my heels and taken my two children and left, THAT NIGHT. He has worn you down.

He is not a 'good husband'. A good husband isn't abusive. A good husband isn't dismissive or controlling. A good husband doesn't cut you off, shout over you, tell you to shut up or call you a cunt. Your husband is a rotten pathetic excuse for a 'husband'. He is not a good dad. He is modelling terrible and deplorable behaviour to your son, and to your daughter is demonstrating he thinks she is worthless because of her sex and a man has every right to shout and silence her, dismiss her, call her a cunt.

This is definitely a LTB moment if ever there was one. He is absolute scum from the gutter. And your children deserve to grow up in a better environment away from him.

Oh no! I was caught by a zombie thread. 😳

What he said was all pretty awful, but he was also abusive verbally. That is abuse. I don't think you should be with him.

I see this is an old thread, but how're you doing @itchyfinger ?

I’ve been there and dismissed it for as long as I could but it led to resentment and contempt. Ultimately we got divorced and it was the best decision I made. Be warned the misogyny goes up a whole other level during the divorce process - I wondered how I hadn’t seen it so clearly before. We are 50:50 with the kids and it continues - I just found out he told my 14year old son he will teach him how to protect his money so if he ever gets married and divorced his wife doesn’t get as much money 😳 weird how he’s not had the same conversation with our daughter. The good thing is separate you are free to live your values and have healthy conversations with your kids about it.

I hope your husband can develop some empathy for women. I just wanted to say that I hear you and you will ge through it, even if you decide to leave.

Perhaps during the next disagreement - record him. Ask him to let you finish, point out you don't resort to abuse when you disagree with him. And record the lot. He is probably in denial. And upload the recording to somewhere safe before playing it back!