Misogynist husband. Divorce?

[itchyfinger]

My husband is generally a good one, a good dad and we get along well most of the time, though not always.

Last night we had a fight, and the subject is something that's cropped up a few times in our relationship, and it's making me wonder if we are fundamentally so so different and whether I can be with him/raise my kids with him.

We were watching a TV show, and he started complaining that there were "too many women" in it, and how it's not equality for woman if a cast is almost all women I started off quite calmly explaining that the balance of women in TV needs to be redressed, but everytime I started to speak he would roll his eyes and interrupt me by swearing and muttering under his breath. This happened every SINGLE time I tried to talk, and eventually the argument blew up, with him calling me a stupid crazy feminist and, eventually, a cunt. Throughout this I didn't name call once or swear, I was trying to stick to the argument about women on TV, but, as with many disagreements I have with him he starts swearing and namecalling and eye rolling.

As I said, this argument around womens rights has come up a few times. Once he said that more women lie about being raped than are actually raped. This blew up too and it's always stuck with me that he said that. Other gems have been that we dont live in a patriarchal society because we have a queen and that he hates lesbians who make themselves look like men.

I know he is a misogynist. But what do I do? I dont want my kids being brought up hearing this shit (I have a boy and a girl), but equally I dont think i want to split up and have a broken family, he does have some very good parts of him.

I know this post is going to make people really angry but I'm crying as I write this because it's really tearing me apart. I feel like staying with him when I know this is how he feels is being dishonest to myself and my kids, but splitting up seems very dramatic.

I would not let anyone speak to me like that.
If he was interrupting me I would shout at him to stop interupting, after saying it in a reason able tone first.
You need to tell j m that he is a privileged white man. Full stop.
How does he feel about Black Lives Matter? Does he say all lives matter too.
I'll be he thinks it's an unfair fuss. Ask him if he would call his mother a list and a cunt. How would he feel if his daughter ended up with someone who treated her the same.
Unfortunately I think a lot of men hold views like this.
If if were you, the next time a drama/film has white male characters id comment about it. Keep doing it the point needs hammering home.
Your dh is part of the problem.
Regarding the comment about having a Queen, does he need educating about this?
All my dc are aware that until Prince George was born, the line of accession falls to male heirs only, perhaps your dh is unaware of this.

If you're at the point where you (quite rightly) feel that this issue is a dealbreaker for your relationship with him, then you have nothing to lose by telling him that.

Obviously if you try to verbally discuss it, he will break into you.

So my personal suggestion is to write a letter. Describe how you feel and why. Not just about his views on women but the names he calls you and the fears you have for your children.

Take a picture of the letter before you give it to him. So that if he tears it up or throws it away because he thinks it's ridiculous, you will always have evidence of what it was that ended your relationship with him. Evidence for yourself, and for him if he ever says to you that you broke up your marriage for 'no reason'.

As for childcare/housework etc, this isn't an issue. He happily takes the kids for long periods of time and does lots with them, and he does a lot around the house. Theres not an imbalance there. He is a good dad to our children.

However I am well aware that this is ingrained into him. I think some of my issues with him come from knowing how his mum was treated by his dad. My husband has spoken about this and recognises his dads behaviour towards his mum was appalling, but I think he is mimicking it in some way.

Has anyone had couples counselling? Would it help for this kind of situation?

I absolutely do tell him to stop interrupting me and do it time and time again. But he still does it which ALWAYS leads to the argument blowing up because I become infuriated.

I raised the comparison of BLM and womens rights last night, saying that him telling me that there were too many woman on TV and therefore it's not an equality is the same as the people who say "all lives matter" but he honestly doesnt see the similarities. He thinks "feminists" are crazy angry lefties.

He needs to change his attitude.
If he doesn't then you have to decide whether to stay or not.
Your son will hold the same entrenched views.
I could not live with anyone who interrupted me and belittled my views.
You also need to ensure you educate your children about white male priviledge. It is real. The recent events in the US are recent proof.are

Does he interupt you in public? Does he call you a liar and a cunt in public?
Interesting if he only does it in private.

he is obviously happy to have sex with a member of the group that he despises. Question is, are you happy with that?

get rid ASAP.

And another thing, when I had my kids I lost my job because my flexible working request was denied. I had worked at the company for years (a huge, international beauty corporation, incedently run by men) and assisted in making them millions, but Iost my job because i asked to work from home one day a week. I was so so angry about it but his stance that women losing their jobs after having kids wasnt sexist. I mean, HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?!

How old are your kids?

Are you working atm op? Sorry you list your job. I had similar happen to me and got a settlement.

Op he doesn't see it because he doesn't have to experience it. Just like people don't see racism or white priviledge.
Male priveledge is real.
White men do not in general, not walk home in the dark as women are told. They are not on the whole unable to walk alone for fear of what a male will do.
I have spoken to my teenage dd about this and we have said lockdown has had the benefit of stopping dicks from shouting abuse at her. Yes I bet your dh has never had to consider not going anywhere due to females threatening him. It is not the same anyway as he can't be raped by a female and if a female attacked him he holds the power. Perhaps that's why he dislikes 'manly' lesbians perhaps he would not date call a manly lesbian a count because hopefully she would smash his face in.

I've had couples counselling and would recommend it for this! Even if it doesn't change his outlook, it's important he respects your views of it and to understand it is unacceptable for him to speak to you in this manner. You two clearly struggle with communication (mainly from his side) and that is definitely something that can be addressed by counselling.

His anger and overreaction clearly shows this is some kind of trigger for him as well which counselling might get to the root of as well.

What annoyed me the most in your update is that because this was trivial for him he refuses to take it seriously for you. That's not OK and should be brought up to the counsellor as well.

You don't want a broken family you say. On the contrary, you'll be fixing it. For you and for your kids.

You could try counselling but in my experience people don't change. With effort they can adapt their behaviour but honestly I've never seen it work.

He's their dad so you can't erase his influence on them, breakup or no breakup. Maybe if he only sees them EOW then his influence would be reduced. The time to make sure your kids didn't have a toxic misogynist for a father was before you had them. But what's done is done. Maybe another woman reading this thread will take heed.

He isn't a good father. There is absolutely no way that a man who holds these very deep rooted sexist values is not letting them leak out in a million subtle ways and poison his kids' minds.

The thing is with misogynist blokes, it isn't just that they have different beliefs to us. How they feel about women spills out into how they treat us personally.

everytime I started to speak he would roll his eyes and interrupt me by swearing and muttering under his breath. This happened every SINGLE time I tried to talk, and eventually the argument blew up, with him calling me a stupid crazy feminist and, eventually, a cunt.

This is verbal and emotional abuse.

Once he said that more women lie about being raped than are actually raped.

This would be a real red flag for me after my ex, who said some real rape apologist things, and went on to be very sexually exploitative and coercive.

Has anyone had couples counselling? Would it help for this kind of situation?

He is abusive and it's not recommended to have therapy with an abuser. Also, it's quite hard to make a misogynist stop being a misogynist- especially when they don't see the need to change and of course think they know better than you as you're a woman.

How is he in other ways?

Do you think he would listen to statistics? About the rape especially? You could print off stats and leave them at his desk.

He may just say they're biased though

I disagree that hes abusive, I obviously can't go into every aspect of our relationship on here. We are generally happy and get along, but when there is a disagreement he immediately shuts down, tells me to shut up and never ever let's me finish a sentence. I have mentioned it in another thread recently that we have a very serious communication issue, clearly.

I didn't realise he was a misogynist before we had kids (they are nearly 5 yo). We were very happy and, although I knew he was a bit of a Tory, the sexism never really appeared. We also never (and I mean never) argued before kids so I didn't constantly get shut down. But in the past 4 years I've lost my job because I'm a woman, we have got a daughter and a son who I am desperate to instill positive beliefs into, and killing eve has been on, which is apparently way too female focused. Ffs. So we have had more discussions about female inequality and his view is it doesnt exist!

I need some space to clear my thoughts. Not likely at the moment.

What is your definition of abuse?. Abuse is not just physical in nature.

Re your comment:-

"We are generally happy and get along, but when there is a disagreement he immediately shuts down, tells me to shut up and never ever let's me finish a sentence. I have mentioned it in another thread recently that we have a very serious communication issue".

I would think you have only got along with him because you have changed your behaviours over time in order not to set him off.

Abuse too is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This man wants absolute over you all and he does not at all want to hear your side of things. He is not interested in your opinions whatsoever; when you try he stonewalls you and otherwise shuts you down through shouting or interrupting you constantly. He knows all too well what he is doing here; its all part of his private based war against you as a woman. Such men too hate women, ALL of them.

If a friend was telling you all this what would your own counsel be?.

Would you want your children as adults to act and or otherwise behave like this in their relationships, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either.

Op it probably didn't come up in the past because there weren't strong female leads on tv. There wasn't a Killing Eve. All the cops were male, women were there are side kicks as wives, girlfriends, mothers. You could count on one hand the shows with female leads.
After having your own children you will become more aware of the world around you.
You say he isn't abusive , how would you describe the actions of someone who will not let someone else speak?

Well for your twins' sake it's important that you deal with the issue as early on as possible. If there's a chance you feel he's just misguided, then as I suggested before it would be better to write down your concerns so that he can't interrupt you. If you don't think he'll ever change, there's only really one way forward as you can't subject children to that level of hatred towards women.

Good luck x

Has he always had these views? It baffles me how people manage to get married without finding out the fundamental beliefs of their partner...

OP, I could have written this myself. My husband also shouts me down and eye rolls when we disagree. He’s a victim blamer too. The irony being he thinks he’s a great example to his two sons because he doesn’t go down the pub everyday and helps with the housework. So we’ll just overlook the mysogyny, racism and homophobia then?!!! I don’t want my two boys to grow up like him and perpetuate society’s problems. I gave up my career when we had children and have moved all over the UK for his job. You’d think I deserve some respect for the sacrifices I’ve made. He thinks he is respectful! Ha! If I compare him to my childhood sweetheart, the difference is astounding. I was truly happy and respected and loved in that relationship. My ex was brought up in a very loving home. Problems breed problems. Line your ducks up OP. You know what you need to do deep down, it’s just hard when you have no job and your children are young and vulnerable, but your time will come. Be ready when it does ❤️

I disagree that hes abusive, I obviously can't go into every aspect of our relationship on here.

I mean that in swearing at you and calling you a cunt- that particular behaviour is undeniably abusive.

He doesn't have to be abusive in every possible way to be abusive in this respect- although there may be some more.

Telling you to shut up etc is also not a good way to treat a partner. As a PP said- that's not a problem with communication, it's a problem of him not giving a shit what your opinion is as he thinks his is automatically better than yours. So there's no use trying to improve communication, because he's not interested in what you think.

I think the way he treats you is more important than the views he holds op.
He literally told you that you are wrong to have the values you do. He doesn't feel feminism is important, so it's not important, end of. Total lack of respect and empathy for someone he is meant to love.

Meanwhile you bend over backwards to understand and respect his perspective.

One of you is behaving lovingly and one isn't. That's before you even start on the name calling and insults.

You don't deserve this OP.

Calling your partner a cunt is absolutely abusive. He is supposed to love you. It’s not normal. It would be unthinkable for my husband to speak to me like that. It also shows just how ducking stupid he is if that’s his response to a rational discussion. How can you stand to share your life with, to sleep with, someone that hates women and clearly doesn’t love you. It’s disgusting