Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

[MagicMoments6]

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

I've had children to the wrong person

You're not alone in that.

Have you had a thorough look at how things could be managed financially if you were to separate? I found the cab v good for a quick run down of budget. They might do tel. appointments.

Or you can find it out online from.varioys sources.

It may not be as bad as you think.

You're not married, is that right?

He meant sexually, without a shadow of a doubt

If true to any extent, that makes him selfish, unreasonable, unrealistic, and of course having no loyalty or ntegrity.

But it's also just an excuse for doing what he fancied doing.

Plus no way did his ex decide to have sex with him at the drop of a hat/out of the blue one evening having had totally neutral interaction as exes and co-parents for how long? He has got to have been buttering her up/flirting/engaging emotionally etc with her for quite a while .... It's wholly understandable why you fell out and cut off contact with her but it's a pity because I have a feeling she could have told you a lot about what he was telling her and how he was acting toward her before they slept together. (Also seems unlikely it was just the once).

We are married yes. He has a legal obligation to pay for his children whatever happens, but selfishly I'm angry that if I leave then me and the children are 2K down per month in family money and I'll have to fork out for childcare which would cost almost the same amount.

I will look into the practicalities at some point in the next week.

I know that childcare fees are both parents responsibility but as far as I'm aware not enforcible on the NRP if it's the RP who requires the service to enable them to work.

As per usual nothing changes for the men and it's the women who make all the sacrifices and take a financial hit. It's wrong.

I'll have to fork out for childcare

Single mum should get 85% of childcare paid (for registered childcare facility or childminder).

That's what I was told by can, and by single mum I know from nursery.

We're in NI but England (presuming you're in England) should same I think?

If you're married, starting point for divisio of marital assets is 50-50. Is there any equity etc that your share of could help you buy property?

Some benefits may be considered as income for mortgage by lenders.

I'm in the Midlands yes. I had no idea, thank you for the info.

I will sit down soon and look at the figures. I've been on autopilot this past couple of months and haven't wanted to address anything.

"You may be able to claim up to 85 per cent of your childcare costs if you're eligible for Universal Credit and meet some additional conditions. The amounts you can receive in childcare costs are: a maximum of £646.35 per month for one child. a maximum of £1108.04 per month for 2 or more children."

When I enquired with cab I was working three days a week (10am- 4pm) and getting about 12 quid an hour. I was told if f get (not a big amount) of universal credit, and get the 85% paid.

It looked far more worth working four days than three when I considered earnings and childcare cost/offset, but that may vary. I'd rather not put child into nursery four days but ..

*11 quid

O know the feeling of this type of betrayal OP.

The hurt and mess you are currently facing is no better than the hurt and mess you will face if you split. The only difference is that if you leave, you can hold your head up high and won't feel like everyone is laughing at you.

There is essentially a see-saw between how many hours you work, how well paid you are, and his much universal credit and free childcare you get. I'm not sure how much you'd have to be earning not to get the 85% and his much it would drop beneath the 85%. Cab were v good when I enquired.

*how

Incidentally I think men who use the "you weren't giving me enough attention and sex" line for cheating when their partner's had a baby are at best (if true) selfish, immature, unrealistic, no integrity etc, and at worst just trying to use it as a line/excuse - which is despicable. Getting someone pregnant, seeing them trying to cope with a new baby (which can be like a marathon of sleep deprivation, pain/discomfort with birth recovery and breast feeding, trying to make sure the baby is ok and gaining weight etc., not a minute to yourself) .... and it sounds like you were doing this with another child already too .. instead of supporting them to the best of your ability, you're off schmoozing another woman and cheating on them,band using lack of attention as an excuse. Despicable.

But then his behaviour to his own kids in the aftermath of being caught out in having sex with their mum, is despicable so ..

@MagicMoments6
Why will you need childcare if you split?
Up thread you said you both work different hours so you dont need outside childcare - do you think if you split he wouldnt look after the kids while you work?

Just wanted to give another perspective if he cut his kids off with her because she pissed him off by telling you and they had a arguement. Would it be worth leaving if then he falls out with you and doesn't see your children together. He has shown he has no real feelings for anyone not even his own children. Also he could get back with her and then your children would stay at hers. I'm not saying stay or leave as I don't feel anyone should influence a life changing decision like that. I'm just giving you scenarios that you may not have thought off. You are NOT a mug whatever you decide! He does NOT deserve you! But do what's best for you and your children. Staying you may think you like a mug but there is a old saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer. If your with him in a way as long as you emotionally detach you are actually in a strong position. That's if your dc are nearly adults as otherwise it's too long a game to play. Take care op. He is a bastard!

I hate to say it, but I wouldn't believe that it only happened once. All those times he was late because he said the children were going to bed late... frankly, I wouldn't believe that at all. I know she admitted to once and think that was because admitting to more would make her look a lot worse.

I'm glad you're going to leave eventually. I wouldn't be able to look at him.

Have you been getting regular STD tests since you found out? He’s proven to be completely untrustworthy, so you can’t take his word for it that he’s has not been porking his ex wife (again) while he’s out and about like a dog with two dicks 🤢 don’t let him infect you.

RE childcare:

Yes its true that I don't believe he will have the children enabling me to continue my current hours. I'm almost certain I will be shelling out for childcare, not helped by him.

When I discovered what he had done I asked him to leave for a few days and he went to his brothers (I was able to confirm this). I took a few days off work as it was all just too much to deal with. During the week he wasn't here I asked him to come and take the children for a few hours so I could get some rest because I hadn't been sleeping due to the stress, he blanked me and turned his phone off. He later had excuses as to why that was but the bottom line was clearly that if he isn't here he isn't dealing with it.

That alongside other things showed me that he cannot be relied upon when excluded from the family home.

I would bet every penny in my bank on the fact that he will be an absent father if I leave him, unless he ends up with somebody who, like me, pushes him to do right by his kids.

I have had an STD check yes, thankfully everything was clear which is a miracle because he doesn't use protection, another blow I had to discover from the ex.

He's being overly generous at the moment.

I had two bunches of flowers yesterday and today he's bought new things for the house which he knows I've been looking at. He's also given me money to "treat myself"

I know what it's all about. He knows I'll be feeling anxious about him being in touch with her and he wants to butter me up.

I really feel for you it's horrible. It's the worst kind of betrayal. The way you describe him is like my ex it's scary! All I can honestly advise is get rid ASAP and move on with your dignity and children even if it's a dip in income for a bit etc. Anything is better than reliving it 24/7.
The hurt staying is worse than the hurt leaving and then stepping back thinking what did I just go through thank god I left them to their grubby lives

I'm almost certain I will be shelling out for childcare, not helped by him.

Unless you're earning a lot hopefully you will get some UC and get a good bit of help with the childcare costs.

So he wouldn't even take his own kids for a few hours when you were devastated on finding out he'd cheated on you and trying to cope with the initial shock, pain etc. Turned his phone off and ignored your plea for help with his own kids.

Op he's just a total fkg c*nt.

And he's cut off his kids from his first marriage because of an argument with their mum around her not lying for him when you discovered he'd cheated on you with her.

I mean ...

Check out your financials with cab and a family law solicitor (some do free first appointment). Hopefully both can offer something over the phone.
At least you'll know and can form a plan.

And I'm sorry because you're clearly a nice person.(too nice) and have formed an attachment with his kids, but never forget they are his kids. He and his ex's. They're not your responsibility when it comes down to it, they couldn't be even if you wanted them to be. If they're old enough, you can tell them your door is always open to them (though it's hard to imagine how to work that when you're in shit terms with their mum due to his (and a lesser extent her) scum-baggy behaviour).

He's clearly beneath you op. They both are.

He's a cheater and a shit father.

She would have sex with another woman's husband, a married man (ex or not) and a woman she knows and who's been good to her kids/looked after her kids on an ongoing basis into the bargain.

He lied to your face about cheating on you and would've continued doing so if you hadn't got concrete proof. She possibly only told you the truth because you had too much information via the third party.

They're scumbags, especially him.

You sound like such a nice, decent, genuine person (your concern for and feelings for his kids really comes through and is do unselfish, bit all its doing is getting you more stuck with this scumbag - trying to protect and do the right thing by these kids who aren'tt yours).
He saw you coming, and he's happily cynically using your good nature and your feelings about his kids (and yours with him) to keep you there. He must have been so smug when you took him back after asking him to leave when you found out he'd cheated with his ex. Business as usual, while you absorb all the pain. And act as the conciliator and parent while he whinges but dues fck all and doesn't really care. He sounds like he, when it comes down to it, doesn't give a fuck about the kids he's brought into this world.

*Not saying he showed how smug he was, but he must've been thinking "fk, I've gotten away with it, she's still here, and still acting conciliator".