Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

[MagicMoments6]

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

Why did your H and his ex fallout over the sex so badly she stopped him seeeing the kids? Did one of them want to get back together? Did they blame each other for it happening?Was he not that bothered about seeing his children? (as you say you have pushed for it)

It's digusting he was probably flirting and sitting all comfy back at his old nest for weeks, feeling titillation and excitement all week waiting to go back under pretence of spending extra time with his kids hoping to get his end away and prove he was still King Dong. He has taken your precious, precious love and your own family's stability and shat all over it.

Will he want to see your DC if you split or will he need coercion from another good woman who takes him on? He's not a good father and he's not your friend. He is a coward and a cheat.

This would be the end for me, mainly because he lied to your face and only admitted it when he absolutely had to. My trust in him would be broken forever

He still has a massive sense of entitlement to control the narrative and stomp on your boundaries.

First he chose infidelity and lying. Now he breaches your agreement on transparency. If he were truly remorseful, he would have honored what you need for healing and trust.

It’s still really all about him, isn’t it?

The reason I'm posting about it now is because they've just resumed contact yes. Well, as far as I'm aware anyway.

The reason he stopped seeing the children was because he blamed her for telling me it was true which she didn't appreciate and told him where to go. Big argument and then no contact.

Given the fact I've been pushing him to resume contact with the children for the sake of both theirs and ours, I am concerned that if I were to leave then he might just not bother with ours because that's easier than him having to deal with an ex when things aren't rosy.

That is unfortunately the type of person he is and that worries me because my DD couldn't be more attatched to him.

No. And why would you even want it to? You get one precious life, don't waste it playing a game you can't win and that leads to nowhere other than you feeling like shit.

Perhaps they sense his love is conditional (upon pleasing behavior, adulation etc) but know yours is unconditional and stable so are more likely to act up with you or not declare their adoration so publicly for you.

DD could possibly be closer to him....as time goes on it's only going to get harder I'd say

He sounds worse with every post. No sort of father at all. You can't respect him surely?

Staying because he might drop the kids otherwise indicates he is controlling to some extent. Do you want to be hanging on like this in ten years. And his DC will come to their own conclusion. It is unlikely to be positive.

They weren't laughing at you, OP, because you didn't cross their minds. They were pissed and randy and an old connection exists because they were in love once. (That's better from the ExW point of view but pretty damned callous of your DH)

Take your time and think. There's no rush. And staying for the lifestyle isn't reprehensible - when a dear friend's marriage hit a crisis she said "I'm not going to leave you because I'll be the one in poverty raising children alone. Fuck that. You're in the spare room and we live separate lives from now on."
He thought she was bluffing. She wasn't.
He went to therapy and couples counselling and they eventually were much happier than they had been before.

I'm not saying 'stay with him' by any means. Just that LTB isn't the only acceptable route. Take your time, make your choices on what's best for you.

You need to talk to your friends and get some RL support... don't be ashamed he's the one that has behaved horribly...
The fact he denied and then fell out with his ex and didn't see his children because she told you is horrible... and unfortunately shows him to be a nasty piece of work. He doesn't really care about what he did just that he got found out and chucked his kids under the bus as well....
Not good -and not something to come back from ....

I think you need to be honest with yourself why you’re not leaving and why you’re worried now. It seems very clear it’s about the fact they’ve resumed contact and he wasn’t honest about the fact he spoke to her.

If it was about the kids you’d have been writing this thread when he originally got back with her.

You’re feeling insecure and I guess jealous. Worried it’s going to happen again, because clearly the attraction between them still exists and they are moving back to be on good terms.

So when they weren’t talking, you felt safe. Now you don’t.

Do they think you’re a mug, I doubt it very much, they won’t be thinking like that I’m not sure either one has a lot of respect for you though, I’m sorry.

She won’t, because she knows you stayed and took it, And he doesn’t, because he already didn’t tell you they were speaking, even though he knew how important it was for you. He only told you because he had to and it was a day later. He didn’t even tell you straight after. He waited a day, which means there was more than just the call, and I think you know this.

Oh gosh OP. The thought of that situation made me wince 😖 I absolutely could not stay. I think the fact if was his ex and she's always going to be around would add a whole new level of humiliation.

You're worth more than this. What would you advise DD to do if it were here? Lead by the example you'd want your kids to follow.

He doesn’t think you’re a mug because he doesn’t have the self-awareness to think of other people. My ex in a moment of honesty told me he had never thought of me when he was having an affair because he simply removed me from the equation. And like your guy, he never thought I would find out, and his rage and punitive behaviour when I did was directed at everyone except himself.

This scenario is my worst nightmare.
No way could I stay.
So sorry op.

No he didn't confess, somebody else dropped him in it

So one of them decided to tell somebody else about sleeping together.

He doesn’t think you’re a mug because he doesn’t have the self-awareness to think of other people

I think I only partly agree. He won’t be thinking of thr op when he is going after his ex sure, but he will be aware of her otherwise and thinking of her actions, and I doubt he is feeling respect because she stayed,because I doubt if she’d been fucking her ex he would have.

The issue here is the ex has probably become a more exciting proposition now. She’s stood up to him, and has become a challenge, thr forbidden fruit. Whereas the op stayed and took it when he likely wouldn’t have.

This is so far from a typical ow situation because they need to stay in contact and will be alone together, will talk on the phone, see each other, and clearly they still find each other physically attractive.

The mere fact he was speaking to her without telling the op until he had to, tells the op all she needs to know. He’s prioritising the ex and his contact with her, over the op.

He cheated, then lied when caught.

His ex/ow will always have a feeling of the upper hand because he went back to her.

Alcohol is no excuse

I would never be able to move past this and suspect it would be the cause of many rows

Who told you about them sleeping together and how did they know? When you confronted his ex wife, was she embarrassed/ remorseful? Do you think she had hoped to reunite with him?

The reason he stopped seeing the children was because he blamed her for telling me it was true which she didn't appreciate and told him where to go. Big argument and then no contact.

He made his own children suffer be sure his ex wife told you the truth about him shagging her/cheating in you with her.

On top of cheating on you.

That is utterly disgraceful.

He's a cheater and a shit father.

"When it came to him reaching out to the ex, he didn't tell me until he had already done it and had received a response.
*
I asked why he didn't let me know in advance as agreed and he said because he didn't know how I would react, and didn't know whether she would be receptive anyway.*"

he is testing your boundaries.
he has found out that you will accept cheating,
so he is testing where else he can get away with going against agreements.

*because

Given the fact I've been pushing him to resume contact with the children for the sake of both theirs and ours

He's made his children suffer for his immoral behaviour (because their mother wouldn't go along with deceiving you) and you are the one who's had to push and push him to return to seeing them.

Not their father, not the man who hand created them, who the man who was most likely present when they were born, not he man who was around them (and should have been helping to card for them) full-time from that day until he and their mother split, after which should have still been heavily involved in their lives .... Not him, but a woman he's been in a relationship with, that's who's pushing for those kids to see him again.

That is absolutely morally reprehensible, and I cant believe (totally aside from.the cheating) that you've been staying with and doing that with a man who's cut his own kids off because he got caught with his trousers down and blamed their mother for not lying to his partner about that.

What sort of person would behave like that towards his own flesh and blood? Why are you stepping in to provide a conscience and a soul for someone who apparently is lacking one.

So he stopped seeing his children to punish his ex wife for not lying to his current wife about them sleeping together? It wasn’t actually do to with “ poor communication” .

Ah, now I can see why you are worried that he will stop seeing your children to punish you, if you leave him. And why you say you are worried that your DC will not see their half siblings.

You think he will stop all contact with all his children, to punish all his disobedient wives.

I’m sorry but he sounds like a terrible father, to treat his children in such a cruel and vindictive way.

You need legal advice OP, to see what you are entitled to and if you could stay in your house. Do you work FT or PT and could you increase your hours ?

It's not only the deceit I'd have a problem with it's the lying to your face when asked and then punishing his children for his ex telling you the truth

He was in the wrong for cheating, he was in the wrong for messing with his ex (and I doubt somehow that they just decided out of the blue, randomly to have sex .. with no buildup or background, he was clearly interacting with her in a totally inappropriate way for a man who was in a serious relationship, with kids with another woman, for some time to get to the point of having sex), and he had no right to expect he'd to lie to cover up for him when he got caught out .... Yeh that's exactly what he expected and punished her for, and my much worse punished his kids for.

He could not have been in the wrong on any more fronts yet, instead of holding his hands up and saying "I've fucked up, you've told he'd the truth, ok, it's caused shit fir me but it's my own fault, let's put out personal issues aside for the kids sake etc" and continued seeing them, he just pissed off and made them suffer.
How has he even not been upset and uncomfortable himself about not seeing his own children?? Noone could do that who's a decent person .. he could do the same to your children with him, you know.