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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

151 replies

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 22:51

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 10:38

And you're the one pushing for him to see them again?!!

If you ever have to push a father to see his own kids, that's a sign you're with a c*nt.

And that's in normal circumstances, let alone when he stopped seeing them because he fell out with their mother because she refused to lie to his partner about him having sex with her.

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 10:44

You said you've built a home for them there - but a home is not really the place, that exact location, that particular collection of bricks and mortar .. it's wherever you, their mum, make a home for them.

You could make a home for them somewhere else, it may be more modest but at least it wouldnt be dependent on this specimen.

Their step siblings could continue to visit/spend time with them. That would be between you and their mother, he couldn't stop that even if he wanted to. She's been honest with you about what happened at her own expense, and you could be on civil terms.

Have you sat down and worked out exactly what you would have to work with financially. The cab could help (might be by phone). There's lots on info online entitled to etc.

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 10:52

And why you say you are worried that your DC will not see their half siblings.

Am i right in thinking he couldn't do anything to stop op and his ex wife from making their own arrangements for the step siblings to spend time together?

What court would stop two mums from facilitatingg a relationship between their step siblings kids, even if he went that route?

His only power would be for him to stop seeing either or both sets of kids, but sure he's an immoral bastsrd who could do that at any time any way (and has done).

C0RA · 06/06/2020 10:57

I’m guessing the Op doesnt want to have an ongoing cooperation with the ex, if she can possibly avoid it.

Also it gets very complicated if the dad is seeing one set of children but not the other, but the kids see each other.

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 11:05

I agree with others here about his behaviour toward the children has been unforgivable, and yes that is a present concern of mine which is contributing to me not wanting to leave.

Throughout the period of time when he wasn't seeing his oldest girls he would say how upset he was and how he missed them, but he didn't do anything about it.

It took me raising my voice and telling him he has to do something about it, many times, for him to finally "get there" and extend an olive branch.

I also believe the only reason he took the leap so to speak was because I said enough is enough I will approach ex wife myself with a view to sorting things out for the children.

He made it seem like she was the driving force behind him not seeing the children which I now don't believe at all.

He's a hands on parent when he's with them but he has proven to both me and his ex wife that if things aren't rosy between the adults then he prioritises his want to feel comfortable and just not have to deal with the other parent.

His ex and i are not on speaking terms and have each other blocked on social media. I deleted her number out of anger when I found out what had happened. I don't want to know her and she doesn't want to know me. When I leave, if I do, then it will be down to DH to facilitate contact between the children and I have zero faith that he will make the effort.

This is not a sustainable situation and I realise that.

OP posts:

C0RA · 06/06/2020 11:41

When I leave, if I do, then it will be down to DH to facilitate contact between the children and I have zero faith that he will make the effort

Although I guess that if he has your kids EOW and her kids EOW it will cramp his style. So he might decide to have them all on the same weekend.

Unless he goes back to her of course, but from what you say that’s unlikely.

Sorry this is so awful for you. Once the scales have fallen from your eyes you know you will never feel the same way about him again .

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 11:47

They already have

I'm not staying because I'm in love, the feelings I have are there only because we share children. I'm staying for the time being for my own sake (financial and convenience) and because of the fears I've outlined above in regards to the children.

I'm under no illusion that this is sustainable and eventually something has got to give.

OP posts:

Frankola · 06/06/2020 11:50

Can I ask why he slept with his ex wife? What caused it to happen?

Did you have a falling out or something or did he just do it?

C0RA · 06/06/2020 11:59

What a ridiculous victim blaming question @Frankola!

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 12:04

There was no falling out that lead to him cheating, he expressed feeling "unwanted" in the lead up but that was because my attention was on a newborn.

It's just a cop out. He did it because it was exciting and he wanted to.

OP posts:

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 12:07

He's insecure in himself is one of the reasons he gave, wanted to feel wanted.

He has never been able to justify his actions because I point blank refuse to take any responsibility for him deciding to cheat

My self esteem has been eroded but I'm still able to see with complete clarity that none of it is my fault.

OP posts:

Frankola · 06/06/2020 12:44

@C0RA
What a bitchy, pathetic and presumptuous response...

I have in absolutely no way blamed OP.

I asked if there was a catalyst for her partners behaviour in his mind. I in no way meant that OP was to blame for any of this. Of course she isnt.

Grow up and go burn your bra somewhere else.

Frankola · 06/06/2020 12:56

@MagicMoments6 please do not believe (as @C0RA ignorantly does) that I asked that question in order to in some way blame you for this situation.

I merely asked to see if he had tried to justify his behaviour.

Regardless of his reasons, to which he has none, you cannot hold together a family based on a broken foundation.

You're honorable for trying to protect your children but you wont in the long run

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:06

Fair enough.

Though at least she told you the truth, unlike him.

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:07

Do you think she told you the truth for entirely malicious reasons or what?

Even if she did, at least it meant you know the truth

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:15

*Throughout the period of time when he wasn't seeing his oldest girls he would say how upset he was and how he missed them, but he didn't do anything about it.

It took me raising my voice and telling him he has to do something about it, many times, for him to finally "get there" and extend an olive branch.

I also believe the only reason he took the leap so to speak was because I said enough is enough I will approach ex wife myself with a view to sorting things out for the children.*

He's a shit father, and a shot person.

And talk is cheap.
He sounds selfish, self indulgent, full of shit, whingey, irresponsible etc.

Stop trying to make him be a decent person, he's not.

You're taking on his responsibilities, his obligations .. you shouldn't.

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 13:16

I think she only confirmed it because she couldn't call the source a liar.

She confided in a third party and it was them who told me.

I asked DH first and he denied it so then I asked her, she is the more honest of the two but I still think she's a shit.

She isn't as bad as him but she's not a particularly nice person either.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:16

*shit

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:18

They sound like a charming pair but your partner is by far the worse of the two ... Which says a lot.

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 13:20

You're taking on his responsibilities, his obligations .. you shouldn't

I agree. I appreciate that his eldest aren't my responsibility but i couldn't bare the thought of them being cast aside so have been appealing to his better nature and encouraging him to do the right thing.

I do believe (and have good reason to) that if I take myself out of the equation then he's not going to make the effort with ours because there will be nobody telling him to.

I've had children to the wrong person

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:20

There was no falling out that lead to him cheating, he expressed feeling "unwanted" in the lead up but that was because my attention was on a newborn.

Oh FFS.

As you said, he did it because he wanted to ; and at a time when you were most vulnerable and most dependant, even he should have been pushing the boat out to support you, to be present, make an effort and above all be loyal to his partner and family.

He had no integrity.

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:21

*has no integrity

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 13:25

I agree with everything you have said.

I know exactly who and what he is and neither are good. I'm not disillusioned, just fearful of having to start again from nothing and having to deal with the shit that will come from him not being the father i used to believe that he was.

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 06/06/2020 13:26

one of the reasons he gave, wanted to feel wanted.

How much more wanted can you be than someone bring in a monogamous, committed partnership with you, gotten pregnant by you, and having just had you baby?

Or does he conveniently mean sexually - so he can't even give his partner leeway from normal sex for a period during pregnancy and soon after giving birth to a baby or he's off shagging another woman

(And sex tends to drop away from the list filled, super enthusiastic, honeymoon period thing in a long-term, steady relationship anyway .. without even bringing pregnancy, birth and caring for a small baby into it).

Original poster

MagicMoments6 · 06/06/2020 13:28

He meant sexually, without a shadow of a doubt.

OP posts:

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