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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

151 replies

MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 22:51

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

OP posts:
lavenderlove · 04/06/2020 23:24

Also on your recent update I'm sure he will try to have all the children staying with him at the same time so he can free up more time alone. So they will see their siblings

Mama05 · 04/06/2020 23:24

Personally I wouldn’t bother.

From an outsiders point of view you look a bit like a mug for taking him back and like you say you now know what he’s capable of.

I’d put him in the bin and find someone who isn’t going to treat you like shit!

Ohnoherewego62 · 04/06/2020 23:26

No way!

He cheated, denied and lied when confronted and only admitted when the other guilty party dropped him in it.

Why do this to yourself???

user1481840227 · 04/06/2020 23:27

I could never get past this.
It would be ruined forever for me.
That wouldn't be the right environment for the kids to grow up in!

Original poster
MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:27

It's a daunting prospect having to start afresh but I agree staying for the children is only going to have a negative influence later on.

I've been brushing it under the carpet as a maladaptive way of protecting myself but now I'm having to face it it head on and I'm not comfortable at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:29

Thank you for the reality check, I needed to hear this.

OP posts:
Mutedgrey · 04/06/2020 23:32

Hi OP.
Sorry to read about what you’ve been through and facing. All of this hurt, to you, his kids, etc for one quick drunken shag? What an utter waste.

It’s a difficult choice to have to make, especially if he is a good father. But I suppose what would the cost be to you and what is there that could be salvaged.

TinaTurnoff · 04/06/2020 23:36

How recently did you find this out? Did you know it was why he didn’t see the children for several months? He does not sound like a good bet on several fronts.

Original poster
MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:40

It's a very messy and painful situation which I will need to face head on and face facts Sad

I'll miss the DSC who I adore and mine will miss them too. I genuinely believe separating will have a negative impact on the children at least for a while. Having seen that he is able to go for months without seeing his children I'm afraid that he will do the same again to ours which will break my DD's heart as he is her favourite person and they have a strong bond.

The reason he is rebuilding his relationship with DSC now is because I've pushed and pushed him to swallow his pride and approach ExW.

There are selfish elements too of course such as I'll miss being comfortably off in a nice home where DC are settled. I'll miss the companionship of having somebody there to share my life with. I'll miss being able to work the hours that I do currently because they wrap around his perfectly. I'll be worse off having to pay for childcare which at the moment I don't have to do.

Is all of that worth my self respect? I really don't know. Probably not.

OP posts:
Original poster
MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:45

I've known for a few months and yes I was aware of that being the reason he hadn't seen the other children. I strongly disagreed with that and have been pushing him to see them regardless of what happened.

OP posts:
ballsdeep · 04/06/2020 23:51

What is your relationship like with the exw? Is she likely to cause more problems?
I coukd never ever trust him again. He's always going to to linked to her, always have a reason to phone or text her. Ergh what a snake! I'm couldnt trust him and I think, even for a comfortable life, I couldn't myself through that for the rest of my life

Raella50 · 04/06/2020 23:51

OP Inreally feel for you, what an utter shitbag that man is! You are stronger and more capable than you feel right now. If you never leave, you’ll definitely never meet anyone else or have a better life than this. If you do, it’ll be hard at first but numerous future possibilities open up to you. I know what I would do.

lavenderlove · 04/06/2020 23:52

Such an awful situation Sad I understand how difficult it will be to leave your life as it is behind. Could you maybe give yourself some time to get things in to place to make it less scary? Start putting money away, find out what you will be entitled from him, look at properties you could afford etc

GabsAlot · 04/06/2020 23:54

wow he cheated with his ex then lied to you about it

i cant think of anything more humiliating-it must be daunting but please try to find a way of leaving

Original poster
MagicMoments6 · 04/06/2020 23:55

I don't have a relationship with the ex wife anymore because of what happened, prior to that we were on good terms believe it or not. I can't see myself wanting anything more to do with her not even for peace of mind.

I will take some time to consider my options and one of them will be to leave. I haven't thought about that until now but I will.

OP posts:
IchbineinBerlinner · 05/06/2020 00:03

Give yourself a year to get things together. Organise your finances etc. Then make your move xxx

scotsllb · 05/06/2020 00:15

I've been in this position and it was the most horrible experience of my life.
I found out and I stayed for another 3 years. I regretted it but it knocked my confidence so badly and I made every excuse I could think to justify it to myself but at the end of the day it didn't go away as you are always reminded.
The fact that it is with the ex partner is even worse than a random. They are in your face all the time in little ways as they are in their lives due to the kids.
I think I was seen as an absolute fool.
He also lied and lied as did she until it all came out when she decided to tell me when they fell out. He denied and denied until he had to come clean.
I don't even know if the lying was worse than the actual act.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing but honestly in your shoes I would run for the hills

ChipsyChopsy · 05/06/2020 00:29

If you both want to move past it, you can move past it.

MiddlesexGirl · 05/06/2020 00:40

Don't make any hasty decisions.
Live with it for a while and see how it feels.
While you're doing that, do the MN getting your ducks in a row (whilst not letting OH know).
It is possible to stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of your children but it's important that you and OH are still friends if this is to work.
And it's easier to do if your children are older. I suspect yours are quite young still.
But just give yourself a bit of time and breathing space. You don't have to make the decision right now. 6 months or so down the line you will have a lot more clarity.

SandyY2K · 05/06/2020 00:55

Is he remorseful?

If so, how has he shown this?

What has he done or been doing to try and build the trust back?

He messed up, so he should be doing the heavy lifting.
If you saw real remorse, it would still be hard with the Ex in the background, but his actions would make a difference.

Is he open and transparent with you? Is he grateful that you haven't left him?

PixelatedLunchbox · 05/06/2020 00:58

Don't make any hasty decisions, but be selfish in doing what you need to do - and by that, I mean IF you decide that works best for YOU is staying for the money and the comfortable lifestyle, then do it! Make the decisions for your life based on what you want / need right now. Be practical, be smart, and get yourself set up for the future.

Lynda07 · 05/06/2020 01:10

It's a great pity his eldest found out, kids don't know what to make of such things when one or more of their parents have moved on and remarried. When they are adult they realise things just happen sometimes.

I've know loads of people who split up but still sleep together on occasions, especially if they were together a long time and had children. You know your husband, we don't, only you can tell whether or not it is likely to happen again. I suggest they both stay off the booze if they are going to be alone together.

Stillfunny · 05/06/2020 04:38

I understand your dilemma. It is easy for everyone to say that you should leave. But you are the one that has to deal with the reality of it. Take your time , protect yourself financially first.
I am so sorry that he has done this to you . Selfish prick .

MsDogLady · 05/06/2020 05:34

OP, this is terrible. I couldn’t move forward with a man who would choose to so deeply humiliate me.

He cheated with his Ex, made a fool of you, and then lied so that you had to ask the OW for the truth.

There is no respect or trust left here. Is this the relationship model that you want to teach your children?

CuppaZa · 05/06/2020 05:47

Good grief, no way in hell could I even begin to process that kind of betrayal. His ex wife?? I feel like that makes it even worse in a way. She is always there. They share children. It would be the complete and utter end for me.
@MagicMoments6 you sound like an intelligent and lovely person. You deserve more than you’ve got from him.