Is there any way forward when the OW is the ExW and they share DC?

[MagicMoments6]

Last year he slept with his ex wife who he has been divorced from for seven years, they have two lovely (pre teen) children together.

There was a breakdown in his relationship with his older DC when this came to light as H and the Ex wife had an enormous falling out which resulted in him not seeing the children for several months. They are both to blame for that.

He is now rebuilding his relationship with DSC (which I've been pushing him to do) but now I'm in the difficult position of trying to rebuild trust whilst coming to terms with the fact that contact between them is inevitable until they're older.

Do I think he would do it again? I don't think so because of the destruction it caused, but he has done it once so who knows.

He seems sincerely remorseful, thankful and grateful that I'm still here and he's getting to rebuild his relationship with his other children so he would be a fool to do it again.. but i now know what he's capable of.

In terms of the ex wife I don't believe she's still interested in him, not really. Alcohol was involved.

I don't want to leave because this aside, I'm happy with my life. I want to move past it and believe it was a one off because I don't want to sacrifice the home I've built for my own DC and the financial security of having two incomes.

Or is there categorically no way this could ever work?

I agree with a pp who said you dont just fall in to bed with someone. There must have been Poor boundaries prior.

He has shown you who he is. Think about where your line in the sand is and what will happening if he crosses it. And whether at that point it would it have been worth staying Now.

I couldn’t stay in that relationship , however much I loved him or security I would lose

I think you’d regret staying in the long run

I agree with other posters that you should be selfish in your resisting and if you want to stay and maintain your lifestyle, that's up to you. Please don't be too swayed by others. It's about considering all of the other parts of the relationship and if you're satisfied with them too. Good luck x

I mean.. the fact he didn’t even come clean in his own, only after he was confronted speaks volumes about how little he cares about you. So if you hadn’t found out, more than likely he would have never told you.

For me, once the trust is gone, I’d be out the door. And the fact that he has to have a continuing relationship with her because of the children would be unbearable for me. I just couldn’t live that way, wondering if it was happening again behind your back

You are worth more than this.

How did the marriage to his ex wife end? Was he unfaithful? I'm wondering if ex w did it for revenge and is not even interested in him.

I can't see that you can ever move forward. He will be connected to her for the rest of his life. Don't stay for two incomes, that's complete bullshit. Aren't you worth more than that? just take the twat to the cleaners

Thank you all for your replies I could certainly do with the outside perspective.

His chileren don't know about him cheating with her mother, all they know is that their parents had fallen out for a short while and weren't on speaking terms.

As far as I'm aware he wasn't unfaithful whilst married to her, but then if you'd of asked me in January whether I thought him capable of something like this I would have said absolutely not.

My DSC are coming here tomorrow as it's the eldests 12th birthday which is bitter sweet as I'm looking forward to seeing them but will spend the morning on edge when he goes to her house to pick them up

Something else that is bothering me is this,

I've been badgering him for the past god knows how many weeks to resume contact with his children but asked him to tell me in advance when he planned to contact her to discuss it, because I wanted to be kept in the loop and able to brace myself if that makes sense.

When it came to him reaching out to the ex, he didn't tell me until he had already done it and had received a response.

I asked why he didn't let me know in advance as agreed and he said because he didn't know how I would react, and didn't know whether she would be receptive anyway.

I find the first part of his reasoning to be bull because I've been the one on his case to resume contact all along, I just wanted to be kept in the loop in regards to his contact with their mum.

That to me shows he's still not capable of complete transparency.

Yeah it's so important for complete transparency in this situation for you to feel comfortable and trust.
My ex would lie if he bumped into her in the street in case I would react or again leave me to find out things after they had been arranged or happened. This never changed and I get that he just didn't respect my needs or feelings at all and was always going to protect himself for getting a bollocking before anything else

Absolutely the same here scots, I know he would always omit to tell me something seemingly minor because he would rather not have to deal with the conversation and my feelings about it.

I'm sorry you can relate on such a personal level. I hope you have found your peace.

It's truly awful. I found it so different to any other kind of infidelity as it never seems to be far from your mind.
I felt like they were both ultimately laughing at me and my lack of self respect for staying after they both had their night of reminiscing or what reason they did it.
I also believed there must still be feelings of some sort there for it even happen in the first place and was not playing second best.
It destroyed my confidence and he was never up front about anything unless it was dragged out of him. It showed me I could never trust him on anything ever again.

Yes to everything you've just said. It really is a much deeper betrayal than a meaningless ONS with a woman from a bar or on holiday somewhere.

I too feel like they're laughing at me, maybe not literally but how could they possibly think of me as anything other than a mug?

I commend you on finding the strength to walk away. When I reach that point it will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do because our lives will change drastically.

He bought me flowers today and I can't help but think it's because he sprung all of this on me the other day, it's a 'thank you' for keeping schtum and going with his flow for the sake of the children.

It went from he and her having no contact and an agreement in place that he would tell me when he was going to reach out, to suddenly "I just want to let you know that me and (ex) have spoke yesterday and I'm going round there today to pick up (the daughters)"

If she hadn't agreed to the girls coming to stay the night he wouldn't have told me they'd been in touch. I know that.

I had less than an hour to come to terms with the fact he was going to be going to her house where it happened, fairly soon after the fact.

He knows I will always put my feelings secondary to the children so he can effectively trample on any boundaries I have because I'll never stand in the way of him being able to spend as much time with them as possible.

It took me a long time to walk away and I really did try and put it behind me but I found it impossible.
How could I trust them alone in her house together? How could I trust either of them? It worse me down and made me feel ill and I became very resentful.
I just couldn't bear the thought of being this person forever more and the relationship was tainted beyond repair.
I had visions of reasons they would need to be alone together, all the possibilities such as future weddings, parents nights, kids getting sick or in hospital and I just couldn't bear it.
The lack of respect they both showed me was unreal by doing what they did and to think I would then continue to play step mum was a joke.
Nothing to do with the children they were so lovely and I really cared for them but they were there the night it happened and they both got the kids to lie to me to cover it too until it came out.

It's appalling that they would have the children lie to cover their tracks, it just goes to show that they have no respect for them either. I can't imagine ever putting my DC in that position and telling them to lie.

His daughters were also in the home when it happened. It wasn't unusual of him to drop round after work depending on what shift he was on and it didn't bother me one bit because I trusted him implicitly. There were a handful of times he was there until late, like on a weekend when the children stayed up considerably later than usual.

I would like to hope they were asleep at the time and had no idea what was happening, he says they were.

I'm feeling a bit sick today having forced myself to face it and think about it because brushing it under the carpet has only delayed me dealing with it.

@MagicMoments6

It's appalling that they would have the children lie to cover their tracks, it just goes to show that they have no respect for them either. I can't imagine ever putting my DC in that position and telling them to lie.

His daughters were also in the home when it happened. It wasn't unusual of him to drop round after work depending on what shift he was on and it didn't bother me one bit because I trusted him implicitly. There were a handful of times he was there until late, like on a weekend when the children stayed up considerably later than usual.

I would like to hope they were asleep at the time and had no idea what was happening, he says they were.

I'm feeling a bit sick today having forced myself to face it and think about it because brushing it under the carpet has only delayed me dealing with it.

Op it seems like things have been going on in plain sight! He's been going over there, spending time with her etc. I couldn't trust this. They'll do it again

Yes it makes me question if it happened before too or at least something simmering away.
I too swept it under the carpet and tried to ignore it all and focus on the future.
I focused on daily life and the parts of the relationship I enjoyed but it was a false security and I was kidding myself.
I wished I ripped the plaster off instead of the slow painful years it took me

It's got to end hasn't it

Fucking bastard. He has spoilt everything. It can only continue at my expense as I'm the only one who continues to suffer.

No repercussions for him and the ex wife, the children are oblivious, it's just me hurting.

That's how I saw it 😢 no one else bears the hurt but you. No one else is inconvenienced and sitting wondering about trust or lies or betrayal.
It's awful and I feel so sorry for you.
But whatever you decide you will rise up from it and find your strength again.

Only you know you your relationship and what you can and cannot tolerate or move beyond.
My ex's ex hated me from the word go and set out to make my life a misery so for him to betray me with her was even worse I thought and there was just no way round it.
If you and the ex wife had a decent enough relationship prior maybe you can all sit down and work out what happened together with complete honesty etc but only you know what is best for you.
Either way don't feel you should stay just for an easy life as it really isn't easy

Thank you scots and everybody else. It is therapeutic being able to discuss it here as I don't mention it to my RL friends because I'm too ashamed, even though the shame isn't mine.

I'm going to muddle on for the next six months or so and put some money aside and look into my options. It's not feasible to leave immediately but I'm not ruling it out. Whatever I do will hurt.

I often find myself looking at him and thinking you are a disgusting human being, I'm definitely not over it by a long shot.

Respect is gone. Trust is gone. Relationship is gone. The fact that he didn't come clean plus that he denied it at first. The fact he still fancies his ex after 7 years is not a good sign. And alcohol is not an excuse. This is bad new all over. I am sorry op

Am so sorry for you . I am engaged to a divorcee and if he ever did this to me I couldn’t continue the relationship. Absolutely no way .

So awful - feel sick for you (

I tried to stay with my, now, exh for three years following his infidelity, but I just couldn't rebuild the trust or relationship. I wish I'd ripped the plaster off there and then and left when I found out.

You poor thing, you sound fucking lovely as well and patient. He's a fool.

The fact it's with his ex wife is double awful, the fact they did it with the kids in the house is triple awful.

You have to leave him my love, this will erode your confidence.

Never be with someone who would rather ask forgiveness than permission when it comes to doing something that they know full well will hurt you.

Telling you about speaking to her was his first test of trust and not being a coward since you found out. He failed that test.

Poor you, you really do sound lovely and obviously very capable. I'm sure you'll be ok

How much money can you realistically put aside in 6 months? Will it be worth the extra upset as the children are older and have more understanding of the situation.

I'd go ASAP with my head held high. Leave them to it

This is very sad, but ultimately you know you’re staying with him for the life style. This is going to eat you up inside and spit you out a wreck, you’re constantly going to be wondering if they are at it again.

Is that what’s really happening?

This was last year it happened, so why are you posting now, is it because they are back in touch with one another?

Is what I said above true, it’s the fear they will go back to one another, it’s why you needed to know when he was going to contact her and the fact he hid it from you indicates he’s not up for being open about his relationship with her to you?

Are you really sure he’s not interested in her? The fact he’s hiding texting her, you know means they could be in touch frequently, it’s just this time he had to tell you.

Is that your fear deep down? I’m not sure I believe you intend to leave op, I’m just concerned that the fear here is he’s going to do it again.