DP just basically called me his landlady...AIBU?

[Stressedandnotblessed]

DP moved in with me (after 2 years) last September. I have 3 dcs (that are not his) age 17, 12 and 9. He has no DC's. I am 8 years older than him.

He has been really grumpy this last 2 days as the house has been like piccadilly circus, I admit. DS2 who is 12 doesn't sleep well at all (he is an insomniac, gets it from me) and not being at school and not having a routine has impacted on him. He usually goes for a run/bike ride every day but the weather stopped him yesterday. So last night he was up and down, getting drinks, let the cat out, flushing the toilet, and he is heavy footed and our house is a tiny new build. I bought it on my own and it's all I could afford. DP starts work at 8am but gets up at 6 (because he's a flapper about being on time) so goes to bed at 9/9.30. I feel pressure to get everyone to go to bed or keep quiet and usually with school etc this can be achieved but obviously lockdown has changed that.

He moaned this morning 'that he keeps getting woken up' so I said well the DC's are unsettled and it's not really reasonable to expect deathly silence at 9pm. And he was saying I know but they need to settle into a better routine. Then he started to (in my perception) say that DD (8) and DS2 aren't doing enough homeschooling. At this point I got a bit defensive, I will admit. I'm working FT (at home 3 days, 2 days out in community doing visits) they go to their dads who is furloughed on the two days I'm not at home but are with me the rest of the time. I'm trying to get them to do work every day but only managing 2/3 hours because my caseload has blown up (children's social worker).

So I said to DP this week you have been so unsupportive, I have been physically struggling (got endo and my period has knocked me sick) been struggling with work and struggling with the kids. I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

Well done.

I resent people saying 'put your kids first'. I did that by leaving their abusive dad and being single for years

No-one was meaning you never put your kids first in the past, we were talking about the situation that was currently happening.

The younger ones are not old enough that you can say 'right, I've done my bit putting them first now, I can put my own fun first.' (I'm not saying you're doing that, but some people do. Maybe fair enough if all their kids are settled in their own homes or something.)

Great work leaving your previous abusive relationship. It is an ongoing process of avoiding/ditching abusive/unpleasant men for all women of course, just because we've got rid of one doesn't mean we're out of the woods.

I also think a decent, mature guy would accept the effects of your past and try and help you overcome it and/or he'd work with it, not say he 'can't handle it.' And I don't think that was a very nice thing to say.

I don't need to hear the 'you are a terrible mother' when I know I am not.

I don't think anyone was saying that. It's clear you love your kids, any/many of us can end up with a bloke who's not ideal or playing up.

The Freedom Programme is something a lot of women do several times BTW- you could somehow go over it again or watch some youtubes etc. I'm not being patronizing saying that, I'm doing ithe FP myself. There is always/often more to learn, and implement more quickly if issues turn up.

I resent people saying 'put your kids first'. I did that by leaving their abusive dad and being single for years. I wasn't 'desperate' for him to move in so waited 2 years but even then I was cautious. He didn't meet them for a year. I was sure about him and he hasn't up to this point showed any sign of being controlling. I don't think he is controlling but he can't handle family life.

Good call on ending his living with you, OP, but surely you can see what people are saying about prioritising your children? You moved in a man who didn't want children, previously lived in a houseshare with adults and had no experience of family life into a small family house with a 17, 12 and 9 year old, and, unsurprisingly, it didn't work out and had a measurable negative impact on their quality of life (and yours -- it sounds hugely stressful). Only one person in the house was (theoretically) having a better time because of his presence, and that person was you. In theory.

I have a friend who took it even more slowly and married her partner, who only then came to live with her and her three teenage children, and it should have been a better bet because he had previously been married and had a child from whom he was now estranged. But it didn't work. They were in love, but he simply couldn't live with her children. They divorced, and she was heartbroken.

No one is suggesting you should live a celibate existence, but it's perfectly possible to have a relationship without cohabiting. I hope your relationship survives this and becomes much happier and more fulfilling.

Thank you for your update.

“we tried living together, it hasn’t worked. No one is at fault”.

I think that sums up the situation, and you have maturely come to this conclusion. I hope you and him can remain friends.

Good luck for the future. Wishing you and your family, and him well.

Well done OP.
It wasn't working and you relsoved that.
Kids are noisy. If someone can't take that, with or without shifts, then they're not the person for you.
If it wasn't him needing quiet, it would have been something else further down the line he didn't like and I think you know that.

I wonder if - given the much older previous partner - he was somehow hoping that he would integrate into your family more as 'one of the kids' than as an equal partner? That he thought you would somehow 'mummy' him, as you were already doing for your children?

I've had it before with previous partners who were younger than me; they saw me not so much as an equal, but someone who would take over from mother.

It may have had a part to play in his wanting to move in in the first place, and not being able to cope with your past (which, presumably he knew all about before moving in).

Glad you are sorting things to your own satisfaction.