DP just basically called me his landlady...AIBU?

[Stressedandnotblessed]

DP moved in with me (after 2 years) last September. I have 3 dcs (that are not his) age 17, 12 and 9. He has no DC's. I am 8 years older than him.

He has been really grumpy this last 2 days as the house has been like piccadilly circus, I admit. DS2 who is 12 doesn't sleep well at all (he is an insomniac, gets it from me) and not being at school and not having a routine has impacted on him. He usually goes for a run/bike ride every day but the weather stopped him yesterday. So last night he was up and down, getting drinks, let the cat out, flushing the toilet, and he is heavy footed and our house is a tiny new build. I bought it on my own and it's all I could afford. DP starts work at 8am but gets up at 6 (because he's a flapper about being on time) so goes to bed at 9/9.30. I feel pressure to get everyone to go to bed or keep quiet and usually with school etc this can be achieved but obviously lockdown has changed that.

He moaned this morning 'that he keeps getting woken up' so I said well the DC's are unsettled and it's not really reasonable to expect deathly silence at 9pm. And he was saying I know but they need to settle into a better routine. Then he started to (in my perception) say that DD (8) and DS2 aren't doing enough homeschooling. At this point I got a bit defensive, I will admit. I'm working FT (at home 3 days, 2 days out in community doing visits) they go to their dads who is furloughed on the two days I'm not at home but are with me the rest of the time. I'm trying to get them to do work every day but only managing 2/3 hours because my caseload has blown up (children's social worker).

So I said to DP this week you have been so unsupportive, I have been physically struggling (got endo and my period has knocked me sick) been struggling with work and struggling with the kids. I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

OP, I find it interesting that you’re a social worker. I wonder if your pattern of behaviour is to try and help others, solve their problems, shoulder their burdens etc?
Maybe you have done everything to make life nice for your partner, moved him in to your home, tiptoed round his ridiculously early bedtime, tried to shush your DC for him, etc.
It’s time to consider your own needs and ask yourself what is in this arrangement for you - if anything.
I would certainly get him to move out, and see how much more relaxed life at home becomes without him.

Living with someone else's teenage children can be bloody hard. I found it hard when my DDs came back from Uni and they were my own!!!
Maybe he just feels like he is a lodger. It's your home, he's moved in, he's got a lot to get used to as he's got to get used to 4 people, whereas you and your dc have only had to get used to him. My DH felt like he wasn't able to say anything to me about my dd1 when we moved in together because he was afraid I'd throw him out. It was a year before he admitted this to me. TBH, I'd be annoyed if my dc were up and down all night, I just wouldn't be able to settle.
I think it's time to sit down with him and have a frank conversation. How does he really feel about living with you and your dc? Does he feel like he can't say anything negative about them? Does he feel like the lodger? Have you considered the possibility of getting a place together and renting out your own house? He does sound like a decent man, he sounds like he does his bit round the house.
I would suggest earplugs though, my DH goes to bed at 8 because he gets up so early, and when I worked I went to bed at 9 for a 6am get up or else I'd be knackered the next day!

I've also noticed you're a key worker, so why aren't your dc going to school?

I wouldn't take that one comment too much at face value. After all it is your house and I suppose he feels on the outside of you and your family.
However, it's not reasonable to expect quiet at that time of night and he needs to realise that. He has to fit in with a functioning family and whilst he should expect small adjustments , he can't just come in and expect everyone to mould around him and his needs and disrupt your whole family.

Suggest ear plugs if this is the only real major issue, but time for all to take stock and see if this whole thing is likely to work. Time for re evaluation, now you've seen the reality of what life is like.

Why was a man of his age living in a shared house?

Sounds a little like he's never quite grown up.

This definitely isn't working and you'd be much happier on your own with your children.

The fact is, he’s a grown up and has choices and can live elsewhere. Your 12 year old can’t. Your first priority is to your kid. Lockdown is extremely hard on kids and your responsibility is to keep a calm and happy homelife for your kids. So what if he’s up and down all night? Lots of them are because they’re stressed, not getting enough exercise, missing their mates...last thing anyone needs is some random bloke moaning off about it all. Nobody needs that in their life right now and especially kids. If blokes can’t deal right now then they need to F off somewhere else and keep their mouths shut until all this is over and let us sort everything out (as per usual). If he can’t deal and keep his opinions to himself, tell him to go elsewhere for a few months. No way should you be stressing about keeping a quiet house at 9pm, do you really want this being your kids memory of childhood?

I honestly don’t know why anybody lives with a bloke? Make them live on their own and just use them for the good/fun bits! Date them and make them do their own housework and moan off to somebody else. There is very little benefit these days to having to put up with a bloke permanently

@Stressedandnotblessed

It could just be lockdown/teething problems but how do I work that out? Just give it time and see if we can come to some kind of understanding between us or continue to make the dcs live with someone who potentially resents them? I don't know the answer.

Also, I don't know why but that comment about him 'renting' off me has really stung. I thought our relationship was more than just 'an arrangement' I feel hurt that he said that and now I'm questioning what he really thinks/wants from living here. Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?

I would think your suspicions are correct with regards his opinion of your setup.

I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

In your shoes, I'm afraid that I wouldn't be coming back from this. You should be a unit. You're clearly not. Think if your children. They don't need this around them.

Honestly I'd send him back to his old house share. Given your profession you know the affect having a critical and controlling man in the house has in family life (this isn't a criticism, I worked as a children's worker in a woman's refuge for several years prior to meeting my exp and it took me 4 years after having dc to leave despite his extreme and awful behaviour- it's harder to see when your in the situation). My dc are 10 and 7 and there's no way currently I'd have them quiet by 9. The weather has been lovely so they've been playing outside to gone 9 some nights then still need to come in, chill a bit and bed time routine. He goes to bed really early for an adult anyway - 6 isn't especially early to get up. If he's living in your home he should be a member if the family and taking on some of the load rather than just moaning at you that you aren't doing enough. Don't tolerate, it will likely only get worse as he gets his feet under the table

Tell him to pack his bags and go and rent off someone else.

I'd text him back.

In hindsight, you moving in to a house full of active children was a bad idea. I think it's best that you find somewhere else to live and we can see each other how we used to.'

In hindsight, you moving in to a house full of active children was a bad idea. I think it's best that you find somewhere else to live and we can see each other how we used to.

This is perfect and you can then have a think about whether you want to continue the relationship. Sorry OP I know it's disappointing.

I think it’s unrealistic of him to go to bed at 9pm and expect quiet from a small house full of children during lockdown. What did he expect when he moved in with you all? Especially with his routine? I don’t see how that would fit into family life.

Did he always go to bed at nine for a six a m start? Or did he start doing that when he moved it - to avoid spending the evening with you and the children?

You are better off with him out of the house, OP, and I'm glad you've reached that conclusion. Men moving in with young teenagers in the house rarely works out as smoothly as everyone thinks and hopes it will.

FWIW I think it's probably very hard to live with 3 kids you're not related to, especially in lockdown. I'm struggling with my DS and I love the bones of him. But this dude isn't really bringing much to the party, is he? I'd bin him off OP. Maybe go back to dating if that was making you happy and he agrees, but he's not able to be in a parental role with your kids.

In hindsight, you moving in to a house full of active children was a bad idea. I think it's best that you find somewhere else to live and we can see each other how we used to.'
This.
Go back to how you used to be with him and see if there's any sparkle left.

Why was a man of his age living in a shared house?

You know ... While I agree that the current arrangement between the OP and her DP isn't working well, I do wonder why I keep seeing the sentence above in MN posts.

Do we really all have to live in the one accepted format of couple + two point whatever children in a forever house? Why not share accommodation with friends/acquaintances if that works for you? It need not signal irresponsible man-child. And in fact I can hardly think of a better arrangement than well organised communal co-habitation, particularly if single. I see no evidence that people are invariably ecstatic in their tiny nuclear bubbles ...

I would agree with reply that that wasn't all he said (it wasn't.)

Remind him what he said about renting and suggest he find somewhere else to rent.

Nanny0gg is right about him having been living in a shared house at an unusually supposedly mature age.

Perdita- I get what you mean but it's usually in threads about blokes who've been a bit crap; it can be a bad sign.

I go to sleep at 9pm as I get up at six and need lots of sleep. I do not expect DD aged 19 and 20 or DH to tiptoe about. It is their house too, and 9pm is weirdly early. Earplugs. Your boyfriend sounds a bit spoilt.

@Tappering

I'd text him back.

In hindsight, you moving in to a house full of active children was a bad idea. I think it's best that you find somewhere else to live and we can see each other how we used to.'

Yes, 100% this. It's not working. I don't think it's fair or feasible that someone expects the house to be quiet at 9 p.m. because they choose to go to bed then, and to be up at 6 a.m - again their own choice. Very hurtful remark. Give him notice, given that he sees you as a landlady.

“ Why was a man of his age living in a shared house?”

That thought crossed my mind as well.

It may be circumstances and houses are expensive. However,it does scream at me that he has never fully matured, taken on the responsibility if adulthood fully, And is used to living as a single man. He’s not adapting to family life as an adult.

Give him notice, given that he sees you as a landlady.

@CharityDingle Lol, good point.

t may be circumstances and houses are expensive

I don't buy that when people say it. A flat/bedsit isn't that much more expensive in a way rent-wise. You just tend to have to pay your own bills on top.

Most people over 27, 30 or whatever manage it.

In London a 1 bed flat is normally around £1500 a month. Even if you can afford it I can see why someone might prefer to share and save to buy a place.

To be honest I think it sounds like am argument brought on by the stress of lockdown. From his perspective he has moved into a house he has little say over and is paying you rent which is helping you to maintain your asset while not building security for him. Women in his situation are often advised not to pay rent in his situation as they will end up with nothing if the relationship ends. You are his landlady. It is a fact.

Look, just tell him that it's been a good chance to see if living together is compatible and now you've done it you can see that it isn't.

So he should move out and put living together on the back burner while it's the year of the plague.

You've got enough on your plate without adding to it. He should be helping clear that plate a little bit.

He lived with his (much much older) ex partner for 12 years, then lived alone, then in a house share before he moved in with me. He is 33.

I have offered to put him on the mortgage as he has 10k ish (not totally sure of the figure) his ex paid him for the house they bought together but he doesn't seem keen and wanted to wait and see how living together went , which is fair. He was about to buy a flat last summer but it fell through due to the leasehold, so it was he who suggested not buying his own flat and moving in together. I agreed because I thought our relationship was great, the DC's really like him and after 2 years I was confident I knew him well enough.

I think lockdown is highlighting the cracks, I'm stressed because I'm trying to work and do the DC stuff (there are reasons why they aren't in school taking a keyworker place) and feel a bit powerless about how I'm meant to change the situation re the DC's making noise. It's not that they are being hugely disrespectful tbh. DS1 always turns his music off as DD goes to bed at same time as us, once she's asleep nothing wakes her and DS2 will turn down the TV - it's just the house is so small that if they walk upstairs, go into the bathroom, open the door etc it's all heard as the downstairs is open plan and there's only doors in the bedrooms so all the noise from the living space floats upstairs. What can I do about that apart from either 1. Piss off DP by allowing DS1&2 to continue staying up or 2. Come down on DS1&2 and insist they go onto their bedroom at the time we go to bed. Either way I'm pissing someone off.

And the other thing is the landlady thing. That wasn't what I wanted but it seems to be what we have fallen into and I am gutted about it.