DP just basically called me his landlady...AIBU?

[Stressedandnotblessed]

DP moved in with me (after 2 years) last September. I have 3 dcs (that are not his) age 17, 12 and 9. He has no DC's. I am 8 years older than him.

He has been really grumpy this last 2 days as the house has been like piccadilly circus, I admit. DS2 who is 12 doesn't sleep well at all (he is an insomniac, gets it from me) and not being at school and not having a routine has impacted on him. He usually goes for a run/bike ride every day but the weather stopped him yesterday. So last night he was up and down, getting drinks, let the cat out, flushing the toilet, and he is heavy footed and our house is a tiny new build. I bought it on my own and it's all I could afford. DP starts work at 8am but gets up at 6 (because he's a flapper about being on time) so goes to bed at 9/9.30. I feel pressure to get everyone to go to bed or keep quiet and usually with school etc this can be achieved but obviously lockdown has changed that.

He moaned this morning 'that he keeps getting woken up' so I said well the DC's are unsettled and it's not really reasonable to expect deathly silence at 9pm. And he was saying I know but they need to settle into a better routine. Then he started to (in my perception) say that DD (8) and DS2 aren't doing enough homeschooling. At this point I got a bit defensive, I will admit. I'm working FT (at home 3 days, 2 days out in community doing visits) they go to their dads who is furloughed on the two days I'm not at home but are with me the rest of the time. I'm trying to get them to do work every day but only managing 2/3 hours because my caseload has blown up (children's social worker).

So I said to DP this week you have been so unsupportive, I have been physically struggling (got endo and my period has knocked me sick) been struggling with work and struggling with the kids. I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

Doesn’t sound like he contributes much.

YANBU.

I can’t believe how early he goes to bed!!! I get up at 6 and usually go to bed at 10.30 without an issue. Anyway that’s off the point, in your position I would sit him down and be very straight with how you’re feeling about his comments. He’s either in a partnership or he’s not. If not, just get rid honestly you have three children in that house and that’s enough to be looking after!

You’re right, don’t apologise! What do you get out of the relationship?

That’s a cheeky thing for him to say. You said your house is small as it is, sounds like it’d be a bit more comfortable and roomy if he left!

Why isn't the DC's dad doing the schooling during the whole week as he is furloughed?

It could just be lockdown/teething problems but how do I work that out? Just give it time and see if we can come to some kind of understanding between us or continue to make the dcs live with someone who potentially resents them? I don't know the answer.

Also, I don't know why but that comment about him 'renting' off me has really stung. I thought our relationship was more than just 'an arrangement' I feel hurt that he said that and now I'm questioning what he really thinks/wants from living here. Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?

You use a great phrase there "in my perception". Think about it...

@Stressedandnotblessed

I feel hurt that he said that and now I'm questioning what he really thinks/wants from living here. Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?

You will never find out until you talk to him and ask directly

Chuckle don't even get me started on the DC's dad. That is a pandora box and I have no say in that situation.

Mmm.
He doesn't want to be part of the family does he? It's a hard line to find but it sounds like he has told you.
Would the house not be better with the 4 of you in it?

Footy This is the thing, am I perceiving it wrong because I'm stressed? I don't know!

Seems he sees you as another house share. He intended to hurt you with that comment, because he was annoyed. Grown man going to bed at nine ish isn’t normal if there are no underlying issues. And he doesn’t need to get up at six either to start work at eight.

Suspect he goes to bed because he wants his own space, and gets up early for the same reason. To be honest I’m not sure it’s working for you both. It is likely time to reassess.

To that text I would be replying that's not what you said and I font think us living together full time is working out

He doesn't seem to value you at all. A comment like that would really upset me. I know it's a cliché here, but you should probably think about what he adds to your life and family. Don't apologise to him.

Honestly op - how did you ever think this was going to work out? 3 children 2 adults and a cat in a tiny new build??

Probably best if he moves out for a bit until the dc are a bit older, don't force them to fit into his (slightly ridiculous) routine. He starts work at 8 - 8.30 but gets up at 6, unnecessarily?? Has to be in bed at 9pm because of this?? I get up at 6 (and absolutely need to) but would still go to bed 10.30 - 11pm... I mean, I appreciate that everyone is different but he doesn't seem to be showing the tolerance and flexibility that you need to have in order to deal with family life.

Send him back to live on his own and keep your home for your family. You can't ever really be a unit when you're parenting 3 kids and you'd both enjoy the relationship a lot more if you stopped trying. Why couples always feel they need to live together is beyond me! If you're a woman with kids then that's your family. A man is a nice extra but doesn't need to join the 'unit'.

Dont put pressure on yourself on the homeschooling, you're working full time in a stressful job and homeschooling children on top is very, very hard. I recommend having g a conversation with your ex partner so he can take on the home schooling as hes furloughed. The 12 year old is also old enough to take responsibility for his own school work.

I do agree with your partner about being quite at 9, it's important to teach children to be considerate about others. If your partner is constantly being woken up by your child waking around loudly that is disrespectful. I get not being a good sleeper he should still be respectful and not walk around, he can read or play quietly in his room.

Also, having step children is very very hard and if you do not have that experience you cant know how hard it is. I have my own child and step children and I do feel like I can discipline/talk to my step children the same way as my child.

Not getting much sleep is just what it’s like with kids in the house. Not sure if you’re being over sensitive to criticism or not but it should become clearer as time goes on. Re the noise at night, has he offered any solution except the kids not making noise?

You both might be a lot happier if you don't live together. I don't know why it's considered the gold standard tbh - living apart would give everyone their own space, be nicer for the DC and possibly maintain romance in the relationship if you are not bickering about the realities of everyday life. He doesn't want to be a dad to your dc so there's little value for your children in him living there.

Your stock phrase to him criticising the way you do anything should be “so what are you going to do to help me?”

Failing that, get rid. He isn’t worth the extra stress.

You are all right. Living together isn't working for any of us. I feel really unhappy and uve been kidding myself. We tried, 8 months is long enough to tell. Thanks all.

Well done OP. I think you'll be relieved. And I can almost guarantee your kids will be. I remember that feeling of there being a random adult in the house, making it so you can never quite feel relaxed and comfortable. Hiding in your bedroom and then only sneaking out once they've gone to bed, so you don't have to deal with them. And as they get older it would only get worse.

Well done OP. I think all of you will feel relieved if he moves out.

You’ll feel so much better, as well your DC when you ask him to leave...

Re your comment:-

"Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?"

To him, yes. Do get this man out of your life permanently now and asap by telling him to move out. This is not working and he is a crap example of a potential stepfather to your children as well. He resents them and you also for that matter; he is the root cause of your current unhappiness. Put your own self and your kids first now.

Well that's basically what he is, a lodger, you haven't bought a house together and I expect it's demotivating him to do anything other than provide money.
Also three children that are not his - it's an awful lot to take on, I only had one and my ex husband and him never really got on. At least my son had left home when we got married.
Personally I would expect quiet after 9pm for the sake of my neighbours at least, I live in a row of terraces and would not appreciate hearing a load of elephants clattering about next door.
Have you discussed getting a house together? Getting married?
It sounds to me as though he feels pushed out.
At least he isn't the usual cocklodger that attaches itself to single mums and he works hard so that's a good base to be going on with.