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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just basically called me his landlady...AIBU?

130 replies

Stressedandnotblessed · 04/06/2020 08:00

DP moved in with me (after 2 years) last September. I have 3 dcs (that are not his) age 17, 12 and 9. He has no DC's. I am 8 years older than him.

He has been really grumpy this last 2 days as the house has been like piccadilly circus, I admit. DS2 who is 12 doesn't sleep well at all (he is an insomniac, gets it from me) and not being at school and not having a routine has impacted on him. He usually goes for a run/bike ride every day but the weather stopped him yesterday. So last night he was up and down, getting drinks, let the cat out, flushing the toilet, and he is heavy footed and our house is a tiny new build. I bought it on my own and it's all I could afford. DP starts work at 8am but gets up at 6 (because he's a flapper about being on time) so goes to bed at 9/9.30. I feel pressure to get everyone to go to bed or keep quiet and usually with school etc this can be achieved but obviously lockdown has changed that.

He moaned this morning 'that he keeps getting woken up' so I said well the DC's are unsettled and it's not really reasonable to expect deathly silence at 9pm. And he was saying I know but they need to settle into a better routine. Then he started to (in my perception) say that DD (8) and DS2 aren't doing enough homeschooling. At this point I got a bit defensive, I will admit. I'm working FT (at home 3 days, 2 days out in community doing visits) they go to their dads who is furloughed on the two days I'm not at home but are with me the rest of the time. I'm trying to get them to do work every day but only managing 2/3 hours because my caseload has blown up (children's social worker).

So I said to DP this week you have been so unsupportive, I have been physically struggling (got endo and my period has knocked me sick) been struggling with work and struggling with the kids. I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Stressedandnotblessed · 04/06/2020 14:11

gamerchick that's all I feel I can do. If he moves out we will end the relationship though as I can't see it recovering as I feel really pissed off.

OP posts:

billy1966 · 04/06/2020 14:14

OP,

This is your children's home.
They sound like good, considerate, reasonable kids.

Families are noisy, even if they are not noisy.
Life and living in a small house, there will be just normal noise level.

Beware making your children feel bad in their home for normal noise levels.

KylieKoKo · 04/06/2020 14:19

Op I would wait until you are both less angry before making any decisions about what to do next.

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 04/06/2020 14:29

Why exactly would you give away sole ownership of the house your children live in? To someone you've only known for two years?

Fine to be reckless when you have no responsibilities, but you do. And your children are trusting you to make decisions that will keep them safe, and with a roof over their heads.

Please think with your head ...

Flyingf1edgelings · 04/06/2020 14:29

He doesnt sound like a bad man. He makes food for you all so he is looking after children as his own and doing their laundry.
I think what he said was wrong but I dont think he meant it nasty or thought it through.

I understand him being annoyed being woken alot but if he was the kids father I'm sure he would feel the same so I dont think its personal.

He just has to get used to the noise or move out if it doesnt suit him. But I wouldn't make any decisions yet to you are calmed.

Original poster

Stressedandnotblessed · 04/06/2020 14:30

billy I know, and I think that's why I'm annoyed and angry because he had plenty of time to get to know my children (and I warned him and he knew DS2 is a night owl) and now he is finding it hard. Right when life is hard fir everyone?

But then I know that's also unfair because if you are a light sleeper and you need lots of sleep it must be annoying to be disturbed. Family life isn't compatible with how he wants to live his life and that's fine. He actively chose not to have children so he needs to live his life how he chose it. I didn't see him for a couple of months after our first date for exactly this reason. But he persued it and even said he wanted a relationship with someone with responsibility and grounding because he was sick of dating flighty arty type girls who wanted to fly off round the world and can't commit to a job or a home or a relationship. I feel like I've been had, because that's exactly the relationship he needs obviously.

OP posts:

PerditaProvokesEnmity · 04/06/2020 14:32

I have offered to put him on the mortgage as he has 10k ish (not totally sure of the figure)

is what I was referring to.

Do not do this.

Original poster

Stressedandnotblessed · 04/06/2020 14:33

Perdita there will be no joint ownership now, believe me. If he can see living here as 'renting' he obviously isn't as committed as I thought.

OP posts:

growinggreyer · 04/06/2020 14:35

Ask him to find new accommodation. You are not breaking up with him, just asking for space during this unusual time. Give it some time. If in future he turns out to be a genuine partner to you then you can buy a larger house together. But don't put him on your mortgage while things are strained and he is wanting to rule the roost. He already thinks he owns the place.

Original poster

Stressedandnotblessed · 04/06/2020 14:36

Flying he isn't a bad man, at all.

OP posts:

C0RA · 04/06/2020 14:37

@PerditaProvokesEnmity

Why exactly would you give away sole ownership of the house your children live in? To someone you've only known for two years?

Fine to be reckless when you have no responsibilities, but you do. And your children are trusting you to make decisions that will keep them safe, and with a roof over their heads.

Please think with your head ...

This. You must have been desperate for him to move in, to offer up your children’s security.

Wouldn’t it be better for your kids for him to move out and you can just date him, if you still want to?

I’m sorry, but I find it hard to have sympathy for a SW who puts their children second to a man.

1forAll74 · 04/06/2020 14:42

You have got enough on your plate already, It sounds as though your partner is not suitable for life within your family, He is a kind of misfit in your home,as you and your children have all had a different lifestyle to his over the years.

I am thinking that you are brave, it would all be too hectic for me !

2bazookas · 04/06/2020 14:42

I'd give that cocklodger notice to quit.

midsummabreak · 04/06/2020 14:51

He doesn't care to understand your children, or care to be flexible about your needs during lockdown as he thinks his needs trump everone elses. I would never sign the family home to this person; please keep your assets safe for your children and your future You deserve better. I dont blame you for being hurt and disappointed in him.

midsummabreak · 04/06/2020 14:52

What 2bazookas said

Sunshineandflipflops · 04/06/2020 15:12

I think if you choose to go to bed at 9pm then you choose to probably be disturbed in a house with children!

My bf was with me and my 2 dc when lockdown was announced (he lives an hour away) so he has now been here almost 3 months. He could probably have gone home by now but he lives in a house share and we don't feel it is very safe under the circumstances so while he has been here he's found a flat of his own to rent and will be moving in at the end of this month.

It's been fine him being here but I have to admit, I am ready to have my house back for me and my dc now. He has his own habits that don't really align with mine and I have missed that time with the kids on my own. We will go back to seeing each other every other weekend and maybe a night in the week (once we can of course).

It's more difficult for you as your dp actually moved in with you so to go backwards in your relationship could be tricky but I guess that depends on how much you want to be together, just not living together. Plenty of people do it.

Bibidy · 04/06/2020 15:23

OP, I don't think you should necessarily think that he's not committed or serious about things because of what he said.

Lockdown is hard for everyone. My partner has 2 children and they are only with us EOW and that has been stressful enough for me during lockdown. It's not easy living with kids that aren't your own, no matter how fond of them you are, how well you know them or how much you were told about them before moving in. I can only imagine how amplified that is if it's 24/7 and no one can really go out.

12hr shifts are hard work and it's probably just getting on top of your DP that there isn't much downtime at the moment.

As for your OH getting woken...when is this? If it's before, say, 10pm then I do think he's being a bit unreasonable, but if he's talking about all through the night then I do think maybe your kids could try and be a bit more aware of the noise they are making. EG, tread more lightly, don't flush the loo during the night....just little bits like that.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/06/2020 15:41

Not a bad man but a slightly selfish immature one.

I think it sounds like you're done.

JacobReesMogadishu · 04/06/2020 15:44

@Stressedandnotblessed

It could just be lockdown/teething problems but how do I work that out? Just give it time and see if we can come to some kind of understanding between us or continue to make the dcs live with someone who potentially resents them? I don't know the answer.

Also, I don't know why but that comment about him 'renting' off me has really stung. I thought our relationship was more than just 'an arrangement' I feel hurt that he said that and now I'm questioning what he really thinks/wants from living here. Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?

Have you told him this?

frazzledasarock · 04/06/2020 15:46

But he persued it and even said he wanted a relationship with someone with responsibility and grounding because he was sick of dating flighty arty type girls who wanted to fly off round the world and can't commit to a job or a home or a relationship. I feel like I've been had

Yeah I bet that’s what he wanted.

The more you describe him the more he sounds like a cocklodger.

He wanted a woman who could provide him with living accommodations whilst he hangs on to his savings and money. I bet his financial contribution to your household is less than he paid for is house-share.

And laundry and cooking four days a week is hardly a lot of work, putting clothes in a washing machine and hanging them out to dry is not a great deal of work.

When DP and I decided to pool our assets together we bought a house together contributing fifty/fifty towards the new house. No way on earth was I about to put him on the deeds of the house I had without his contribution. And I love DP, but I’m not giving up my own financial stability and independence for how I feel right now.

Bibidy · 04/06/2020 16:12

Also, I don't know why but that comment about him 'renting' off me has really stung. I thought our relationship was more than just 'an arrangement' sad I feel hurt that he said that and now I'm questioning what he really thinks/wants from living here. Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?

It reads to me like he said that as a snap back to you saying he's making things hard and not helping out with things at home. I think he's just said it out of anger, and also saying he's 'renting' off you might have been a passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't feel like he's got much power in the house if he's being woken up through the night and can't do anything about it?

KylieKoKo · 04/06/2020 16:55

@Stressedandnotblessed he is renting because you are charging him rent. I'm a bit confused as to why this is an issue for you.
If he is paying you rent and has no say in how the house is run then you are treating him like a lodger. I think perhaps he doesn't feel like it's his home.

When you are calmer I think you need to have an open honest conversation with him.

TwentyViginti · 04/06/2020 17:13

Do not put randoms on your mortgage!!!! please learn from this. It's your DC's home. Keep it secure for them. Men come and go, or do not live up to expectations, as you've found out.

user1481840227 · 04/06/2020 17:33

Insomnia is mental torture, far worse than being a light sleeper who needs that much sleep.

Insomniacs are supposed to use their room for sleeping not tv etc..and they're not supposed to stay lying there for hours tossing and turning, they are supposed to take breaks out of bed and go into another room for a bit.

This man could try earplugs if he wanted to and that should work for him. Insomnia is far more difficult to treat. I wouldn't be surprised if living with this man makes your insomnia worse, that just gives you an extra reason to stress about the evening time because you're so worried about someone waking up your moany partner.

MissAli74 · 04/06/2020 17:48

Perhaps buy him some ear plugs!

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