DP just basically called me his landlady...AIBU?

[Stressedandnotblessed]

DP moved in with me (after 2 years) last September. I have 3 dcs (that are not his) age 17, 12 and 9. He has no DC's. I am 8 years older than him.

He has been really grumpy this last 2 days as the house has been like piccadilly circus, I admit. DS2 who is 12 doesn't sleep well at all (he is an insomniac, gets it from me) and not being at school and not having a routine has impacted on him. He usually goes for a run/bike ride every day but the weather stopped him yesterday. So last night he was up and down, getting drinks, let the cat out, flushing the toilet, and he is heavy footed and our house is a tiny new build. I bought it on my own and it's all I could afford. DP starts work at 8am but gets up at 6 (because he's a flapper about being on time) so goes to bed at 9/9.30. I feel pressure to get everyone to go to bed or keep quiet and usually with school etc this can be achieved but obviously lockdown has changed that.

He moaned this morning 'that he keeps getting woken up' so I said well the DC's are unsettled and it's not really reasonable to expect deathly silence at 9pm. And he was saying I know but they need to settle into a better routine. Then he started to (in my perception) say that DD (8) and DS2 aren't doing enough homeschooling. At this point I got a bit defensive, I will admit. I'm working FT (at home 3 days, 2 days out in community doing visits) they go to their dads who is furloughed on the two days I'm not at home but are with me the rest of the time. I'm trying to get them to do work every day but only managing 2/3 hours because my caseload has blown up (children's social worker).

So I said to DP this week you have been so unsupportive, I have been physically struggling (got endo and my period has knocked me sick) been struggling with work and struggling with the kids. I do everything in terms of sorting the bills, it's me who keeps getting up to tell the kids to be quiet, I'm sorting out house related stuff most of time (he cooks 4 times a week and does the laundry but that's it really as he does 2/3 12 hour shifts). And he said 'Well it's your house, I basically rent off you, you sort the bills and they are your kids so you ABU'. I feel really hurt by this. I thought we were a partnership. Not a lodger/landlady. AIBU?

@MissAli74 Was just going to say this

Get him some ear plug or tell him to move out! It was your children’s home before it was his.

He's not being reasonable. 9-930 is very early. During lockdown my 12&15 year old go up at 10 and the 15 year old complains about that.
He's not part of your family really is he? Sounds more like an awkward (critical) visitor

He makes food for you all so he is looking after children as his own

@Flyingf1edgelings There's more to being a parent than cooking a meal sometimes.

@Stressedandnotblessed

I don't know the answer.
You have you answer though, OP, in these comments below....
or continue to make the dcs live with someone who potentially resents them?

now I'm questioning what he really thinks/wants from living here. Am I just a cheap, nice, rural place to live?
How have you reached this question? How accurate is that perception do you think?

I have offered to put him on the mortgage
I'm glad you've since decided against this. It's really not a good idea, particularly as you have children, to financially entangle yourself with someone who sounds so disrespectful to you as a person and doesn't seem to like your children.

Perhaps if he moved out again you might be able to recapture how the two of you felt before he moved in with you if you decided you wanted to continue the relationship more at arms length.

Whether or not you remained a couple once he left (albeit with him living elsewhere) you would have the physical and mental space it sounds like you need, and your children also.

He has the funds to "rent off" someone else for somewhere reasonable where he can have things just how he wants them. Good luck.

Since the DC father is furloughed why can't they do all their school work at his for the 5days you are working?

If someone makes a conscious decision that they don't want children (perfectly reasonable and sensible choice) it seems very odd that they then choose to move in with someone who has three young teenagers at home .

Get rid of him, seems totally unfair on your DC to have him living with you all. You can 'date' if you want to ... why the rush to live together ... seems entirely for his convenience. What do you get out of it? You seem to be stuck in the middle between him and your DC, do you ever get time/space to yourself?

I haven't seen anyone else comment on this so here I go... forgetting about your DP a minute. You mention that your children don't have much routine but would benefit from it, and that you and dp are doing all the housework. Early on in lockdown we felt like that so we got our 3 kids 12-17 to draw up a rota including making lunch, dinner, washing dishes twice a day, walking dog twice a day. If they make it they are more likely to stick to it, and if gives a bit of structure to the day. I make the dinner more often because I like to but they each do it once a week. 17 year old has no school so does more lunches and dog walking than the rest of us, etc. Our wifi goes off at certain times helps get the kids out of their bedrooms and to bed at treasonable time.

Our kids have all done their own laundry since they were about 6 - that means getting it into the machine and starting it - adults oversee that it gets hung/brought in (we realised sorting out people's laundry was the slow bit so eliminated that). Yours are old enough to be doing this too.

It's not unreasonable to have a conversation with the kids to be quiet after 9pm - that's just consideration - not silence obviously - and not unreasonable for DP to wear earplugs to help him block out noise - again that's just consideration.

I guess I'm saying, don't jump straight to ltb, if he's an otherwise decent bloke. It's not easy living with my 3 kids and I've been here all their life. Landlord comments can happen in heat of argument, but you should be able to tell him how much that hurt, he should be able to apologise/show his apology.

You sound exhausted and guilty though, so maybe thinking about it from a 'how do I give my kids more structure and get them to pull their weight a bit' point of view would help them all. We figure the skills the 17yo is gaining at the moment will make for a better housesharing experience in the future. And don't imagine it's idyllic in our house, far from it! Family life is hard.

Family life is hard.
So he either joins in as the family or he doesn't. He seems separate to it all.
Sounds like you don't need the stress and he sounds like he doesn't want to live with someone elses family.

The kids need to be quiet after 9pm, that’s not too much to ask. He works 12 hour shifts, they’re exhausting, my dad used to work shifts and we would have to be quiet in the afternoon sometimes so he could sleep. It’s irrelevant that your son doesn’t sleep well, he can make a drink without making so much noise. I’m on your partner’s side with this tbh as I don’t think people are understanding how exhausting working three twelve hour shifts is and how frustrating it would be to be repeatedly woken up all night.

Is your 12 year old making noise throughout the whole night or just between 9pm and say 10pm? That makes a big difference to me.

I don't think I would have expected that moving in with kids of these ages would involve a lot of noise at night.

Have a good think what lessons you are reaching your children here. You work in children's social care so don't let me patronise you any further.

1)The whole family has to tiptoe around one person.
2)The man of the house makes the rules and women/children have to fall into line
3) Men are not expected to pull their weight in family life
4) Men are allowed to absent themselves from the shitwork. Nobody needs sleep or even "quiet time" from 9pm to 6am. My alarm goes off at 5:45 and I don't expect quiet until 11pm on weekdays

Doesn't look good, does it ?

Just dump all his stuff in the street, change the locks and be done with it. Put your kids first. This guy is beyond a twat. He can go back to mummy.

Also i love quiet time from 9pm-6am and even beyond...but I have accepted and embraced that given my attachment to peace I will most likely die alone lolllllooohhh namna

You don’t sound compatible in your home environment and given that he thinks you’re his landlady I’d kick him out. Your kids should feel free to be themselves at home and he sounds like a fun sponge.

You managed before him, you'll manage after him. 9pm is really early for the whole house to be quiet - has he always gone to bed then ?

My mum was a social worker and yet she let my dad behave very unpleasantly towards us all as she dislikes confrontation.

She cared for his mental health and well being far more than ours. We ended up as anxious people, plus I do not know how to assert myself if I think what someone's doing isn't ok.

AnyFucker is right- put your children first. They are your top priority.

Some of the others made some good points too. Maybe it'd be one thing if he was their dad, as @Elsiebear90 said then perhaps they could be tiptoeing around- but it seems a pretty major change for children to be expected to handle for a random bloke.

Thingdoer's ideas are also good but maybe a lot to expect all of a sudden and at the same time as a bloke moving in.

I don’t understand why it’s so outrageous to expect people to be quiet while others are sleeping? If I get up earlier than my fiancée I am quiet so I don’t wake her, if she goes to bed before me because she’s tired I am quiet so she can sleep. This is just common decency. The 12 year old does not need to be loudly stomping around the house all night while people are trying to sleep, it’s selfish and inconsiderate. Whether her DP goes to bed at 9 to wake at 6 is irrelevant, he works long shifts and is being woken up frequently throughout the night from the sounds of, 9 hours sleep is not massively excessive under those circumstances, I used to sleep for 9 hours when I worked long shifts because I was that exhausted. I don’t think he’s being unreasonable expecting people to be quiet at night so he can sleep.

To be fair to him it doesn't seem as if he's insisting on 9-6 quiet time so I think that's a red herring. There's the usual frothing of LTB because he's tired and grumpy after your DS running around all night

What he's asking for is that your insomniac DS doesn't stomp around the house flush toilet etc at all hours and has suggested that a more consistent daily routine and sleep hygiene habits might actually help your DS.

None of that is unreasonable.
You're also knackered and stressed and so have reacted a bit sensitively to this. Yes you are juggling a lot but I think you both need a calm conversation.

The landlady comment could be taken one of two ways

1. That he doesn't value your relationship - sees you as his landlady OR
2. That he feels disempowered and overlooked and at the bottom of the pecking order with no input into the household because you're so busy with everything else.

I personally think 2. Is more likely. If your relationship is generally ok, I suspect he's feeling like a lodger, not that he sees you as a landlady.

Oh come on OP, as a social worker you know exactly what happens in families when the mother doesn't put her children first. Move the fucker out.

We have had a long conversation last night and this morning and we have decided he is moving out. He has gone out (not working today) and I think he will be looking for rooms. He wanted to go anyway as he feels like he doesn't fit in at my house and I don't want to live in a relationship where I feel uneasy, as I had physical abuse in my marriage. He also said he wasn't strong enough to deal with my past trauma (I was raped as a child and had the serious DV). So it's best I'm not in a relationship with anyone anymore I think.

I resent people saying 'put your kids first'. I did that by leaving their abusive dad and being single for years. I wasn't 'desperate' for him to move in so waited 2 years but even then I was cautious. He didn't meet them for a year. I was sure about him and he hasn't up to this point showed any sign of being controlling. I don't think he is controlling but he can't handle family life. I have done the freedom project etc. We tried living together, it hasn't worked. Nobody is at fault, we weren't to know that we were incompatible in this way. Nobody has lost out financially. I was upset and hurt yesterday because I knew this was the end and life is stressful and I knew I would be dealing with a break up. None of my DC's are disrespectful, the house is small, sounds are amplified, I explained that.

Thanks for all the practical suggestions- particularly about the dcs having a routine in lockdown with chores etc. I will put that in place. I won't be posting again because it is resolved and I don't need to hear the 'you are a terrible mother' when I know I am not.

Thanks to everyone who was kind and helpful

Well done @stressedandnotblessed. Sounds like he had already emotionally detached as he knew it was not working.

This relationship hasn't worked out. Sounds to me like you did all the right things, taking it slowly etc. It just hasn't worked. It takes guts to acknowledge this.

I'm sure when he leaves you will feel a sense of relief.

Don't assign yourself to be single forever. The right person will come along when the time is right. Each relationship ending is a way to learn what you cannot and should not put up with - making for better choices next time.

In the meantime enjoy the time with just you and the kids at home.

It is hard when it doesn't work out the way you had hoped, if you close the door on this relationship, then you can open the door to a much happier relationship.

That’s a good decision , I hope it works out well for you and your children.

And as a reflective practitioner, I’m sure you will, in time, reflect on your own actions and your reaction to others advising you to put your children first. I’m sure this will help you be more compassionate and effective in your work with clients / service users.

Not all men are rigid, controlling, self centred people

Send him on his way to his "quiet" life and eventually, if you want to of course, you will meet a bloke that wants to live a true family life

You come as a package with your kids. Anyone that can't live with that has to go

Good result OP, though disappointing.

Honestly I can't imagine anyone childless finding moving into a house with 3 teenagers easy.

Even good kids like yours.

Mine are generally great kids, but the music, the PS4 shouting and laughing, the music practice, the constant snacking, the cooking of fried egg sandwiches 🙄, the going to bed much later than usual....you'd have to have given birth to them.

My husband and I head up to be and leave them to it.
Thank God the house is large and solid but still we can hear them!

Your children sound great and you sound like a great Mum.

Be kind to yourself👍