Housemate style marriage - join me if this is you

[Dreaming0f]

Can this work?

I know lots of people, especially on here will say it can’t work/ you deserve better etc.

But I’ve resigned myself to a (pretty much) sexless marriage that is based on co-parenting and mutual respect and friendship.

We enjoy family time together and fairly decent conversation and I know I would absolutely HATE being a single parent.

Yet it still niggles that I could be with someone I truly dote on and could have amazing sex with, and who truly wanted me in the same way. I literally dream about this and sometimes get down about not chasing my dreams.

The bottom line is I don’t want to break up the family.

Thoughts?

I'm trying to do this, but it's hard.

In my case I'd very much like an intimate relationship with my wife, but she doesn't feel the same. I'm not sure what your situation is - if you have both lost interest then maybe it is easier.

I was looking up "parenting marriages" the other day - basically a non-romantic marriage set up for the reasons you describe. No sex at all. The problem is that it also seems to assume a "loveless" marriage, which I don't think mine is (not from my side, anyway), so it didn't sit well with me. Still, might be worth a look for you.

So, in summary - I think you'll find it hard to make it work, and you probably do deserve better. But I totally understand your reasons for trying to make it work. Good luck.

Same here. Since lockdown has brought us in closer together proximity in a confined space, I’ve asked myself the question - am I prepared to never have sex again? - and the answer is no.

I’ve asked myself this question before but have mostly managed to distract myself from the answer so not really had to confront it.

I don’t know what I’m going to do though. I feel paralysed tbh. It would be so much easier if I had no sexual desire but I do. . When I look back on our relationship, my DH has always had problems around sex. I’m just not sure it’s fixable.

In addition to lockdown, I think because my DCs are older now - 12 and 16 - it’s made me confront it more now that they are growing in independence. Add to that the panoply of HRT that’s brought great health and wellness benefits, I feel completely stuffed.

I was in this kind of relationship but when I suffered a trauma and I got no support from him I felt even more lonely and I made plans to leave.
In hindsight I was deeply unhappy but putting on a brave face for everyone.
I didn't respect him after that and didn't want to share my life with someone like that.
I hate that the kids are now ferried between houses and find it really sad for them but I hope that in time it becomes easier for them.
Am I happier? I'm struggling at times but I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.

It can be a very lonely place but if you can talk and communicate and find common ground you have a chance imo.

the only people i know who do this don't have kids, and an open relationship. works for them, but certainly not for everyone.

This is my situation to. Just rubbing along together no sex no kissing nothing. We have no young children anymore so I thought things would pick up between seeing as we have more time together as a couple but it just seems to be getting worse. I'm not really sure what to do anymore.

Thanks everyone. It’s made me quite sad to read the responses. Sad for my own situation and for others.

I think we have both lost interest in each other physically (not just sex) so yes that at least makes it kind of equal. But not great that he’s dissatisfied as well.

We did speak before lockdown and said it wasn’t ideal, possibly not sustainable. But clearly neither of us want to discuss further while we are just trying to survive this crazy time.

As little bits of normality come back it’s going to be harder to keep sweeping this under the carpet.

In the same position here. It’s hard to move on though during lockdown.

@Dreaming0f, something to bear in mind is that the relationship you model for your children is the type they might end up with themselves. I certainly ended up marrying someone that didn't fulfil my needs because it seemed 'normal' to me from my own upbringing. As hard as it is, sometimes you have to 'break up the family' to get to a better place for everyone concerned. You also aren't respecting yourself by denying what you actually want/need by staying in this marriage. Perhaps striving for a happy co-parenting in separate households situation would be a better aim?

This is also my relationship at the moment. After a happy 12 years of marriage and 3 children my husband told me that he no longer loved me the way he used to and that he wanted to leave. After 1 and a half years of me trying to get things back to normal, we seem to be stuck at this point of living together, parenting together, getting on well with each other but no sexual connection. I love my husband very much and still very attracted to him. We kiss good morning and good night and when he comes home from work, hold hands in bed but that's it. I'm exhausted from thinking about it all the time. I go from feeling yes I can live with this, everything else in our life is so good to thinking about the closeness we've lost and it's wearing me out.

@Barkingdogs123

I have exactly the same thoughts and feelings going on as you. It is definitely exhausting!

To be honest I think I would leave if it weren't for the children (although even then it would be hard, because I do still love my wife), but I can't bring myself to break the family up.

I guess it is a prison cell, but there's no guard at the door, and I've got the key in my hand if I want to use it!

I am in exactly this situation.

Been with DH almost 20 years, married 16. I've never even glanced at another bloke in all that time. Two early/mid-teen children. DH was never terribly interested in a physical relationship and it would be once a month at most, but it’s gradually petered out and it must be at least 5 years now since we had sex. I might get the odd quick shoulder-hug as he walks past now and again, but there’s no kissing or snuggling or anything. We get along very well, genuinely like one another, like spending time together but we’re really just ‘good friends who are flatmates’.

In my case DH has ED but refuses to seek help – I managed to get him to go to the GP once, a few years ago, she ran basic blood tests which came back normal and that was that, he refused to go back and just shuts down and starts to get angry if I even try to suggest seeking counselling or anything at all.

For years I’ve just focussed on keeping the family together and getting the kids through school and basically just tried not to think about it. But I am slowly beginning to resent him for it now. Like PP, I’ve realised I’m just not ready to give up on ever having sex again – I’m not even 50 years old and there’s life in me yet! I tried to talk to him about it about a month ago and he just said he knew it was unfair that he was essentially making the decision for me (by refusing to seek help) but there was nothing he could do about it. I ended up bawling like a baby and he just looked at me in complete astonishment.

I don’t know what the answer is. I love sex, and I really miss that level of closeness. I don’t know that I can wait several more years until the kids fly the nest. I have been toying with the idea of asking him to open up the relationship so I can go get what I need without breaking up the household, but I fear that even suggesting it will case untold damage to the relationship.

@Rockandahardplaice
You have described it well, like an open prison and not being able to leave. I feel like he has caused this whole upset in our marriage but has left it down to me to break up the family or not which is really unfair. I see our family as a unit of 5 and if he leaves it will never be the same.

We are from very traditional background and broken marriages are pretty rare. We do a lot of community work in our area and I know our family, friends and neighbours would be shocked if they knew, our lives seem pretty idyllic. I cannot imagine the pain of spending the weekend on my own, knowing my kids and him were off having fun without me. I cannot imagine the pain of seeing him with another woman. But most of all, I still love him, think he is a good person who is going through some sort of a crisis.

@Xandersmom2
That is also a difficult situation for you, such a pity he won't seek help as it probably could be easily rectified.

However, at least you can blame a medical condition, in my case it feels so personal, the man who used to be mad about me and had so many plans with doesn't see a future with me anymore.

@Barkingdogs123

I wouldn't worry about what other people think - marriages are allowed to fail. The only views which count are those of yourself, and those of your husband. Even your children's views are not relevant really - although of course you need to factor their wellbeing into any decision to leave or stay.

When you say "traditional", do you mean religious?

I know what you mean about the idea of weekends on your own. The "good" bits of my life now are the times spent as a family (its only when the kids disappear off to bed that I get really depressed) - and throwing away that good family time feels like a high price to pay.

I'm not honestly that bothered (if we split up) of seeing my wife with other people. Once it's over, it's over.

Me too, it’s so lonely.

I’m heading for an affair, I need sex.

My relationship with my late husband was like this. Sex simply wasn’t important to him, I think he had issues which stemmed from his childhood sex was always functional, I never got to know him properly sexually and in time he had ED and lost all interest. He said it was my fault for never being up for it. That wasn’t true, I Just felt so horrible that he wasn’t interested in satisfying me, didn’t like foreplay much and could rarely finish

BUT he was my best friend, was had a great relationship in all other respects. We had shared interests, the same values, agreed on all aspects of parenting and every other way we loved our lives. There was simply no reason to leave my marriage. However, he had a long illness and died and in that time it occurred to me that as my sexual grew if he was going to get better I was going to have to make a hard decision and I’m not sure I could have lived the rest of my life in a sexless relationship even though I loved him very very much

I am now in a relationship with another widow. I don’t know if it will be permanent or not but our relationship is very sexual. We can’t keep our hands off each other, I never don’t want it and we are hugely sexually compatible. Having someone who I fancy insanely and who wants me as a sexual partner and cares about my sexual needs is incredibly empowering. It has confirmed to me that sex is a massively important part of a relationship and to live without it isn’t something I could contemplate again.

These stories are so sad. I feel sorry for us all.

There’s actually a whole subreddit dedicated to this subject www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/

Hi. This is very much my situation

• in fact I posted about 10 days ago on relationships (Would you stay in this marriage?)

The consensus was pretty clear I’m afraid.

I’ve struggled hugely with the idea that it’s “not bad enough” and that the effects on my children will be so bad etc - also the financial impact on all of us.

HOWEVER, even since I started my own thread I’ve got so much greater clarity. I have a wonderful therapist who asks insightful questions. She is not directing me to leave or to stay. But she did say to me - what would change could my DH affect that would make me now want to stay. And the answer is now nothing. It’s like it’s too late - that even if my husband suddenly COULD be physically or emotionally intimate I wouldn’t want it iyswim.

There is no toxic atmosphere in our house atm. Tbh as I’ve grown in my inner decision to put my own needs and happiness above others for the first time - I’ve been much less angry & irritable. DH and I are about to start marriage therapy but tbh for me i am fairly sure that it will be about bringing about a recognition that the marriage is complete and hopefully about managing a non toxic separation (tho I need to brace myself for some significant fall out from DH as I am
Much further ahead in coming to terms with this than him)
Good luck to all. It’s a cliche but life is bloody short. Keeping a family in tact at all costs might just be too high a cost. It’s what my mum did and she died aged 57 - and could have had some happy loving years

Yes

I don't think I'm 'in love' and tbh wonder what it would be like to experience that again. But on the other hand I would feel cruel leaving and turning everyone's lives upside down

Joining you op. I stay partly for the family, partly because I've been in love before and it doesn't bring out the best in me. This way I'm very laid back because the emotional stakes aren't there.

Yes, 4 children, together 19 years, married 15. He’s just not interested in sex, on the rare occasion we have dtd he never “finishes” which just makes me feel rubbish about myself. We hardly communicate, have no common goals and very rarely do things as couple. We never kiss, cuddle, hold hands. It seems so unnatural now. I miss the intimacy but I’m afraid to leave. Having 4 children makes it very difficult. We split up 12 months ago when I asked him to leave. My oldest child was an emotional wreck so I relented and took him back. Wish I’d stuck to my guns as i had a genuine reason to finish it. Now I just feel lonely and stuck.

Another one here. 33 years married. It gets very lonely.No physical contact. We just co exist. I suppose we will until one of us dies.

Another one for the club here. We used to have the most amazing relationship, then dh got diagnosed with a longterm health condition. Fast forward a couple of years, sex has disappeared as he is no longer capable, no hugging, kissing or touching which I suppose I miss the most. He has completely got wrapped up in his own health issues & doesn't see the impact it's having on me or the kids. I stay strong for our kids because they are the thing that keeps me sane. Never thought I'd feel this lonely in a marriage.

Hi, just wanted to add this I my life at the moment, together 22 years, two kids now 18 23, survived and I say this sarcasm his affair six years ago. We decided to try again, at the time he said he "didn't see me that way" or a sexual partner. I preserved, I did the hysterical bonding, I tried and tried myself up in knots to preserve the family. Can I just tell you guys, it Doesn't work, it takes two people trying, if you are trying to get your long term partner interested in you by buying sexy underwear, lighting candles then I can honestly say you are on to a loser,
. They have made thier minds up ages ago, they don't fancy you, they don't see you anything but a caregiver, for themselves and the kids.
What can you do?
Reclaim your identity, your self before you met them.
Building friends, groups of people who you love, stop thinking just because they don't find you attractive nobody else will. We live in a massive world!!!

I'm currently building friends, building work career opportunities, putting the little things in place that will enable me to leave the fucking insensitive fuck that I live with xx

And can I also say, it works both ways, when my long term partner said "I don't see you that way" I was mortified!
Did all the hysterical bonding shite!
Then, then I woke up!
Actually I'm pretty fit, I love my body, yes it has wobbly bits but how dare you say that our relationship/ family isn't working because you " love me but just not that way"
Surely , because I didn't care about your bad breath, your bit of a fat gut that I would never have communicated on until now, because you are human and I appreciate that.