Housemate style marriage - join me if this is you

[Dreaming0f]

Can this work?

I know lots of people, especially on here will say it can’t work/ you deserve better etc.

But I’ve resigned myself to a (pretty much) sexless marriage that is based on co-parenting and mutual respect and friendship.

We enjoy family time together and fairly decent conversation and I know I would absolutely HATE being a single parent.

Yet it still niggles that I could be with someone I truly dote on and could have amazing sex with, and who truly wanted me in the same way. I literally dream about this and sometimes get down about not chasing my dreams.

The bottom line is I don’t want to break up the family.

Thoughts?

I'm a housemate too. I haven't been on MN for a while, I only come on when I'm at work and I've (ironically) got a bit of time to myself. Being at home so much while on furlough and while dh is working from home is just so draining. But at the same time, he seems to act as if everything is ok, even though we have talked about our situation a lot. He knows I'm not happy, I've told him we'll never ever have sex again (it's been 9 years) and that I realise it's a part of life that I need but don't have. As you said, @AngryFeminist he is quite prepared to live the rest of his life without that as he says he's so used to doing without, as long as we all stay together as a family. So therefore it's me being the bad guy, causing an atmosphere, making the kids unhappy etc etc. And I feel maybe I am selfish for wanting someone to love and adore me, and make me feel like a woman. He says he feels insulted that I use the word 'housemate' or 'friend' but what else is it??? And even then, we're not that good friends anyway! We disagree on absolutely everything, and almost every evening I go up to bed annoyed whispering f off to him after yet another comment on the news, politics etc.
But, and there's always a but, I feel as if there's nothing bad enough to warrant breaking up my family. He says himself that I should be happy as I've got a good life and lovely children, a nice home etc, and I do appreciate all that. But I'm also a woman with needs, and I feel broken inside. I'm just living to look after everyone, and all I want is to lay my head on someone's chest on an evening, to feel them pull me close and yes, to f me senseless. Is that a crime????
It just seems too hard to let myself out of the open prison. I'm so sorry that loads of you feel the same. In a way I wish I hadn't come on here, it's all so sad. I hope some of you manage to find a way out xx

@Jsku
Do you mind saying what that forum is? Now is not the right time for me but maybe later this year. Thank you

I left a housemate marriage after 8 years and no kids.So much happier now have a dh I fancy and a ds.

@NotABeliever

I used Illicit Encounters.

@Jsku thank you

In same situation. Been together for 20 years, married for just over half of that and 2 kids.
Quite a few life events have shown weaknesses in marriage but the common thread has been the complete lack of emoitional support. It's so lonely. We are good friends on the whole but don't speak about much and he never asks about how I am. There have been quite big things where he has either betrayed me or treated me quite badly and over the years it's all added to change the anger to a feeling of disappointment which is actually so much worse. He on the other hand seems to still be totally in love and is trying hard to be kinder and better. He would like a physical relationship. The thought of it is now repulsive to me. I feel totally trapped in this set up as I also don't want to break up the family because of the children who are still fairly young.
Even worse is that I have recently found myself attracted to another woman which has thrown up serious questions for me. It was much easier living a life thinking no other man could offer me much better over long term, once initial excitement wore off of new relationship and resigned to what I have now. Now it's opened up possibility that actually I could perhaps be happier in an alternative reality but at the same time, I have no idea how I can justify this much change to DC lives. I also know that this attraction might be because there are issues in my own marriage which has left a gap in my life. Sometimes I feel like I'm too old to dream of any kind of new life and other times I feel that I'm giving up on myself when there's so much of life left. In my early 40's.

My relationship of over 20 years ended last year when my husband left saying he didn’t ‘love me in that way anymore’.

We have a young child and I was terrified of being a single parent - and a single person. But since he’s gone I’ve realised he was right. I don’t love him ‘like that’ anymore either. We were just best friends.

And I’ve also realised I was deeply unhappy with the situation and like you I’d do anything to distract myself and just not think about it. If I did I felt absolute panic. I’m scared of change so really I’m grateful he took the plunge as I never would have.

Wow. This has been an interesting read. And incredibly helpful for me as well. It's actually made me realise my own situation isn't anywhere near as bad as what some people are going through.

My desire has always been lower than my husbands and I've always been worried about that. I wish I would find him more attractive and crave sex more. Its made me question our marriage many times.

People say sex is very important, but when your partner ticks so many other boxes and you've invested so much, it makes me question how important it really is. On paper we have the perfect life, and if I chose to walk away from this on the chance I might get a higher desire and sex with another person, I'd be throwing away a huge amount for the sake of something that might never happen or will take years and years to find. And even then, would it be worth the huge upheaval and heartbreak?

Financial security, comfort, being well set up and good companionship is also important in my eyes. It's alot to throw away. If i left, I'd have to effectively give away my 8 month old daughter half the week which would destroy me, lose our house, comfortable lifestyle, friends and great family all ripped apart.

It's food for thought.

@disneyblue I don’t believe it’s about sex. It’s about an intimate relationship. If you’re constantly cuddling and holding hands and being loving and doing things romantic lovers do then many people could probably do without actual sex. But when all of that goes because they’re simply your best friend it takes something away from you and make you deeply unhappy. Well I found that anyway

I know it's not the same as many posts but I went off sex with my ex-H when he started shagging around, he'd become very successful very quickly and it all went to his head. I think he expected me to just take it. No way, it was the ultimate turn-off. I want my partner to want me, is that too much to ask?

But then I don't understand paying for sex either, the whole point of sex/the high point for me, is the mutual attraction, not even love necessarily but just wanting each other - that's the best.

Disneyblue what you describe makes me think that your marriage isn't over for you. There's still hope you might rekindle your love for your husband.

I used to think exactly the same lines as you a few years ago. Things weren't great between us but leaving on the off chance someone might cone along and prove a better fit for me seemed like a teenage fantasy. It's not about that anymore. It's about hating what I have with my husband so much now and feeling so lonely in my marriage that I just can't stay.

The thing is disney are you both happy with no/little sex? If you are then it can work but if not it’s a lot to ask the other to live without.

I’m just bumping this thread back up as I spoke to DH about the lack of sex/affection/intimacy in our marriage. I posted on the first page.

It didn’t go well and he has shown no sign of wanting to do anything about it . I raised it gently one morning and all cheerful-like said, do you fancy having sex? He looked terrified! He said, what, now? I said yes why not let’s just crack on with it and see what happens you know, make the effort, it’s a step in the right direction. That kind of thing. He said he couldn’t because the DC might hear. I pointed out that they were teens and would sleep till the afternoon.

I said that we had to sort it out as it was no marriage and we were living like housemates and that we need to be connected. I said we needed to have something between just us, a bond, so we could have a good marriage when the DCs left home.

I also said that if he didn’t ever want to have sex with me then he needs to tell me as it wasn’t fair for him to impose celibacy on me.

He kind of took that on the chin or so I thought. I suggested therapy, the doctors, viagra but all on deaf ears.

But the thing that’s really bothering me the most is that at the end of the conversation, he said ‘it’s not right for you to say that I’m withholding sex’. Here’s the thing, I never said that. No where near. Didn’t even imply it as it had never crossed my mind that he was withholding sex.

I said to him but I didn’t say that; why are you using the words withholding sex? I just reiterated the imposing celibacy bit.

I suppose I’m just venting. I have spoken to some friends irl and it’s been a huge relief as I felt such shame. They were so shocked which just made it all seem even more real. But it’s like the huge elephant in the room now.

Any thoughts, advice, perspective gratefully received. Any male view as well. Is it possible that actually his words have betrayed him and he is withholding sex? If so that’s surely a whole other level of fucked up?

No advice in afraid Deux, but I have found that any conversation about it, no matter how it is framed is interpreted as "pressure". Even when it is simply expressing an opinionnor explaining my own feelings. I don't know why this is, but can only interpret it as a means of closing the dialogue down.

My partner has got what they want, zero communication about it.

I'm sorry that your talk wasn't a success. That's really interesting about him saying "with holding sex" . I have often wondered if like the "silent treatment" it can be a form of punishment and/or a type of control, especially if they know you still want to have sex.

Bit reluctant to post on this thread because I know what Mumsnet is like but I was pursued by a man in a relationship like this and have ended up embroiled in a relationship with a married man. It's been horrendous. So whatever you all decide to do, please don't cheat. I know we've been hurting his wife and I cannot forget that she exists (even though he appears to be able to compartmentalise his life with her and his affair with me) but I want a fulfilling relationship too and he's ended up being in two unfulfilling ones and it's so, so painful.

Please don't abuse me. We're now both depressed and trying to keep apart so I can move on and he does what... goes back to a sexless but otherwise ok but unfulfilling relationship.

I was in a shell of a marriage, some of it was that we got together far too young and hugely grew apart and partly his drinking problems. After DS2 was born, we only had sex twice before splitting up when he was 5. I imagined myself in years to come telling my children that I’d stayed in the marriage for their benefit (an imaginary conversation, I never would have actually said it!) and them saying “why did you do that?!”

My own parents (mum and stepdad but together since I was very little) have a cold and sexless marriage. It has absolutely affected all of us (four girls) and the biggest way in which it impacted me is that growing up in an environment where we all had to pretend that everything was fine - when it clearly wasn’t - primed me for a life of codependency with an alcoholic. I felt an exaggerated sense of responsibility for other people and had an inability to communicate in any healthy way about my emotions.

I think the way we think and talk about relationships is a big factor in why people stay - words like “fail” “broken” “ripping apart” - they are very powerful messages and it’s difficult to overcome that blockage.

I am in this situation too. I think neither of us really fancy the other any more. Husband much less bothered than I am by the situation. We generally get on OK but do have blow ups every few months. I think a lot down to my own resentment of the situation. At the start of lockdown I did an experiment of really just thinking of him as a housemate and we got on a lot better. Am wondering if its viable for us to split as a romantic couple but continue living together (in separate rooms) and coparenting. Has anyone tried this? I'm worried it is wishful thinking and could confuse the children (5 and 3). But it's pretty much how we are now anyway. They witness very little affection between us as it is so nothing much will change.

I'm in this situation at the moment. Been together 10 years, married 4 with 1 dc. My husband isn't an awful man but he can be very selfish and thoughtless and hasn't supported me through a couple of medical problems I've had.
I suppose we've just grown apart too, I don't find him funny or interesting anymore and I don't find him sexually attractive whatsoever. I'm just constantly irritated by him. We separated for a few weeks and it was bliss for me, I felt free, but I agreed to him coming back as my DS(5) was taking the separation terribly.
My husband makes it clear he still finds me attractive and wants our marriage to work but this just makes me feel so guilty. I think it would be easier if he felt the same way I do. I would live as a 'housemate' style marriage for my sons sake as he loves his dad but I can't carry on for much longer being pestered for sex by someone I feel nothing for.
I think it can work if both of you are agreed there is nothing romantic between you anymore and you don't want there to be but if one party is still romantically interested then I don't think it will ever work. The atmosphere will always be awful... well, it is in my situation anyway.

Thanks for all the comments. Sorry to hear about more of us in this situation.

We do get on quite well otherwise. My friends I told know us as a couple and we’ve socialised and they said they were so shocked because there was no hint of anything wrong when they’ve seen us together.

But what’s happened is that DH has been happy to ignore it and it’s suited me too I suppose to not dwell on it too much. I kept thinking it would get better and it seems he hasn’t even been thinking about it at all.

I don’t think he’s got any desire at all. I don’t think he even masturbates. Lockdown has stripped away all the distractions that have allowed me to ignore it.

He’s gained a lot of weight and I don’t really fancy him from the neck down . I’ve got better abs than him . He makes lots of effort with his appearance for work and for randoms but doesn’t bother at home or for me. He’ll bother if we go out somewhere. He often doesn’t shower, wears stained clothes and never cleans his teeth at night. I realise this sounds grim.

It feels like he made loads of effort before we married but now just cba for me. I don’t think he really likes me very much.

I’ve been running our sex life through back from the beginning and there’s more red flags than a circus. He refused to have sex when I was pregnant and breast feeding and actually said ewww/yuck to my pg body. . I really don’t think it’s just me. I do think he’s got major hang ups.

Next conversation I’m going to ask him if he’s gay or asexual.

@Deux

I think you are flogging a dead horse to be honest.

The withholding sex bit is not good. He probably is.

I see a lot of posts on this and women often will look for reasons - Low testosterone, ED, Depression etc. I’m sure that sometimes it is this.

However, The biggest reason will be that they simply don’t fancy you anymore. They will never admit it and it’s something you don’t want to hear or face. It would also leave them looking the bad guy and when you have kids, they don’t want to do that.

It’s amazing how many men who are like this go on to find a new GF very quickly after a split and unless the new GF is asexual, They are probably having lots of sex!

@deux

I think you may have hit the nail on the head when you said he looked "terrified" at your suggestion of sex. Terrified that he could not perform I would think. He probably grew up at a time when sexual problems, especially in men, could not be discussed and any hint that a man was unable to perform like a porn star could lead to his peers accusing him of being gay. Only a few decades ago such an accusation would have horrified most men and could easily have led to them being disowned by their family and friends. So an inability to perform sexually was something to be kept very quiet and not admitted to anyone.

This probably where your DH is, he has lost the ability to perform but cannot admit it even to himself - he probably believes that you are no longer interested and he is just responding to your wish in not coming on to you. He is clearly letting himself go - weight gain, not washing etc suggests laziness and a retreat into himself which is not a good sign for the future.

My parents had this kind of relationship. It was so blindingly obvious. You would go to other people’s houses and the whole atmosphere felt lighter. Their parents actually smiled at each other, randomly touched each other and were affectionate.

You could always tells the homes that were like mine and the homes that were really full of love, and all of us young teenagers gravitated to the happy homes, they were just nice to be in. Funny, I look back now and I was right, even though I didn’t understand it. Every single one of my friends with happy parents are happy themselves and they’re still together!!

None of my siblings either have children or a happy relationship with anyone.

I agree Flying

My parents had this relationship too. My mum slept on the sofa for years on the pretence of needing to be near the dogs in the night. You could cut the atmosphere with a knife, except when they were arguing.

I've struggled in relationships since. Decided very young that I never wanted to marry. In my model of relationships, marriage equalled being incessantly criticised and who would want that?

I wanted my parents to separate but they never did. Still together now.