Housemate style marriage - join me if this is you

[Dreaming0f]

Can this work?

I know lots of people, especially on here will say it can’t work/ you deserve better etc.

But I’ve resigned myself to a (pretty much) sexless marriage that is based on co-parenting and mutual respect and friendship.

We enjoy family time together and fairly decent conversation and I know I would absolutely HATE being a single parent.

Yet it still niggles that I could be with someone I truly dote on and could have amazing sex with, and who truly wanted me in the same way. I literally dream about this and sometimes get down about not chasing my dreams.

The bottom line is I don’t want to break up the family.

Thoughts?

@Florist1970

Same for me. My ex husband actually told me that he didn’t find me sexually attractive anymore. He couldn’t have been any clearer. I still stayed for another 4 years after that! He then had an affair. I almost needed a reason to leave. It’s pathetic looking back. We didn’t have sex for 7 years. I loved him. He broke my heart.

To be honest leaving wasn’t easy even given that. The next few years were very difficult. An anxious child, money issues, dealing with him moving on. I’ll be frank it was bloody hard mentally.

Dating post split is very very hit and miss. You have to be careful. After years of no sex and affection, you are very vulnerable and some men target this. I had some really bad dating experiences. It has taken me more than 6 years post split to find someone who it may work out with.

Don’t think that just because you “deserve” something, that means you will instantly get what you deserve. What is the alternative though? A lifetime of loneliness?

I think people who choose this route should be really aware that they are only one half of a couple. Who is to say that you will not sacrifice many years of your life for security, only to find that your partner ends the relationship, maybe out of the blue?

Even if you both agree to the deal, the arrangement can be thrown for a loop if one of you meets someone else.

The only real security lies in being happy on your own terms - if you can be happy with your arrangement, even if it could end at any time, then fine. Otherwise, consider the benefit of taking your future into your own hands.

I chose to end such a marriage - and I am single. Being single does not necessarily mean being lonely. It can be a huge relief. While you are filling up your life with people and things to distract you from your marriage, you could be doing that to create a new single life.

If you have mutual care and respect, the end of the marriage does not necessarily mean the 'breaking up' of the family - it can be a re-arranging of it. You will not become a 'single parent' either - unless you already are one in every way but name.

avoid trying to fool yourself into believing you’re not settling...

@vikingwife - the thing is - how does anyone know if they wouldn't be settling as a single person? You could give up friendship, companionship great teamwork, shared expense and effort of running a home just to live a life of deeply unsatisfactory OLD and loneliness. I think we massively undervalue the platonic aspects of a long term marriage in favour of physical desire.

I lived in this kind of marriage and left, because staying just for the kids was killing me. I’ve now met someone else and sex is amazing. I never realised it could be like this.
My advice to people in this situation would always be if it’s not salvageable don’t leave it until the kids are teenagers to leave. Do it while they’re young as it’s so hard when they’re older and have lots of other things to deal with. People seem to limp on until the kids are older and then finally leave when they’re 14 or 15 - which in my opinion is the worst time.

In this situation too. Mid-forties and been married for almost 20 years. Three kids.
Our relationship was never strong on the physical side. We went through at least 2 years of psychotherapy as recently as a year ago which helped while we were doing it but things have slipped since.
We now haven't had sex for 6 months and we sleep in separate beds. There's no affection or intimacy between us but we're civil and usually get on ok. I like him as a person and would like to stay friends because we shared so much but that's pretty much it for me.
I told him we can't live like this forever. I thought the children had no idea but when we had a fight recently I let it slip with my eldest (18 years old) that things weren't great between his parents and he shocked me by saying he'd known for a long time. If we're not even a good role model for our kids what the actual fuck is the point of us staying together? I really must do something about this ASAP. Even being single forever would be better than this.

Kids are very perceptive. My parents had a really unhealthy relationship. I remember saying to my Mum once that if she hated Dad so much why didn’t she split up with him? She looked really shocked and said she loved him! But we knew it wasn’t a healthy relationship.

I’ve calculated my H has drunk 60 units over the weekend (conservative estimate). He has to get up and work in the morning. He seems to think not having to drive to work means it fine. This is not good is it? He’s self-medicating with alcohol. He hides behind it to avoid intimacy.

the thing is - how does anyone know if they wouldn't be settling as a single person? You could give up friendship, companionship great teamwork, shared expense and effort of running a home just to live a life of deeply unsatisfactory OLD and loneliness. I think we massively undervalue the platonic aspects of a long term marriage in favour of physical desire.
This. It feels too much of a gamble - I have low self-esteem. No support system and no income. I have 4 friends who are long-term single and all have grown up/older children so in a better position to get out and meet people.

The thing is, he makes it sound as if he still loves me and it's all down to me not "wanting" him anymore. I find this a form of perverse manipulation so that he can play the victim in the eyes of our children and our families if we split up.

I don't beleive for one second that he still loves me, or even likes me, romantically. The truth is we are not attracted to each other anymore and none of us is making an effort anymore. I'm prepared to admit it. He's not. That's the only difference between us.

I'm a single mum and happy enough to stay that way for a while. I personally think that staying together for the kids is not great; you are teaching them what love and a healthy married relationship should look like. My parents had a terrible split when I was young which went on for years, which is part of the reason I won't risk another relationship. I don't really understand why two healthy and relatively young people who seem to have both agreed they aren't passionate about each other can't co-parent and explore what else life has to offer. I think sometimes people are scared, which is understandable, but so much better to try than not to and always wonder. Good luck with whatever you do!

user I'm not scared of being single. It's the pretending that kills me. When he's not at home and I'm alone with the children I actually feel happier. I don't mind all the housework and cooking. I'd rather work twice as hard but not having to pretend any or that were a couple. Because I don't think we are anymore.

@user48675 I actually think separating gives people a lot more free time - you get the weekends where they are with the other parent to rediscover your hobbies and socialise. My ex isn't around but my single mum friends who co-parent have a really good balance going on compared to a lot of married friends who do 98% of everything in the home (as long as they are getting maintenance that is!).

As a child from divorced parents, I would agree that it is damaging to children to see no love between parents. However I would also say they if you do split up, you need to be very careful and should not “settle” down into another family life with someone else because that can be equally as damaging. My mother had a number of boyfriends and eventually settled down with an absolute tosser so it made me view her as selfish. Meeting her own needs at the expense of mine and my siblings. I ended up as part of a blended family which i didn’t want just so she was happy. Personally it would be split up and then FWB when kids are at their dads until kids are adults. So many people jump into new relationships when they leave one.

Yep - same here. It’s gone on so long I actually have no feelings for my wife any more. As the kids get older I’m dreading the empty nest stage. She has stolen my life.

@Abi128 I totally agree. I had the same experience as a child and as a result I keep my relationship completely separate from my kids. It’s more than FWB because we love each other, but there’s no way we’re moving in and creating a blended family. It means we miss out, but the kids are more important. I feel like I have the best of both worlds.

Sorry to see others have joined. This thread dropped off my radar. Two things stand out for me:

1. The point about settling as a single person/life being less than satisfactory for their reasons even if we split.

And

1. That DC could be picking up on this breaks my heart and really worries me in terms of their future relationships.

Can anyone say more about what they specifically noticed in their parents or what their DC have noticed? Is it the physical affection? Surely some people just aren’t touchy feely?

Joining this thread - it's been four years since I had sex with my husband. Before that, it only happened a couple of times a year.

He claims that he suffers pain from a hernia op he had several years ago.

He isn't very affectionate at the best of times - kisses and cuddles are rare.

He's a devoted dad to our son and I am loathe to leave and break the family up.

He spends every evening on the Playstation with ds, whilst I sit in another room.

I am in this situation. Been together for 20 years, and I'm not even 40 yet. Should never have stayed together, we were just teenagers, not actually compatible in any way.
First few years was OK, then once we lived together the intimacy died off, because he got a job working nights for 10 years. So we never slept together apart from weekends.
Then children came along and I ended up Co sleeping and he went in another room. That went on for 6 years. And he's still in the other room. This is the main reason we don't have sex. We haven't had sex for 4 years. I don't feel like we will ever again.
Weve both become very over weight over the years and he doesnt look after himself, he wears dirty stained clothes and showers once a week. When I look at him now he repulses me and I'm sure he feels the same about me. People who he works with would have no clue as he wears a suit for work and is very senior in his work place. I just get the scruffy slob side. Not to mention he is a miserable git aswell.

Unfortunately our kids are still young, age 5 and 8. I'm a sahm and I will admit on here I need to stay with him financially at this time. My plan is to seperate from him as the kids get older as I cannot even bare the thought of a life with him without the kids here when they've grown and left. People may judge me for this but I know (especially years ago) that many many women were in this position.

One thing I know for sure, I never ever want another relationship as long as I live.

Yes this my situation as well. We’ve been married for 20 years. The open prison is something I can relate to. I dread the times when the children aren’t around because I just don’t know what to talk about but I can’t bring myself to split the family up.

Dreading two weeks in August when we'll be alone without the kids. I find the lack of conversation and common interests unbearable. I also dread that he might try to have sex with me when we've been strangers for months (and very little intimacy for years before complete celibacy). It just doesn't work like that for me.
Luckily I'm working from home at the moment so I can go and stay with my brother who lives in another town for two weeks. I might have to do that.

Joining this thread because I am in a similar situation. My husband and I havent had sex for over 6 years, have been together for 12 years. I am 33 and he is 40. We got married 12 months ago....I think because we felt it was 'about time.' We both want a family and have spoken now and then about our lack of sex but nothing ever changes, I am now not convinced I really love him any more, and to be honest I cant imagine having sex with him ever again. Everything else is perfect, we have loads in common, spend lots of time together, we have a laugh...but there is no intimacy, spark or love. We dont cuddle, we dont kiss, we dont hold hands. We are essentially friends. When he proposed (which I imagine was the least romantic proposal on earth) I remember wondering whether I'd done the right thing saying yes because it was like saying yes to my best friend, not lover. Its painful thinking of leaving him though, he is an amazing man in every other way. But I want to feel wanted, desired, attractive and loved. Breaks my heart that so many people are in the same/similar situation to me xx

@ChristmasFluff
"The only real security lies in being happy on your own terms"

This.
How very well put. I agree with your entire post for this one.

I'm here too - started a thread a while back and like a pp had the fairly unanimous reaction that it can't last.

I said at the beginning of lockdown that I was broken by 4 years of no sex, minimal affection and no romance. That we were exactly as you describe- housemates with love and respect but no longer lovers. We are currently in psychosexual counselling. I have given it a year to try and if it isn't better by then I will leave. It scares the fuck out of me because I really don't want to break up the family, but I know it will lead to huge resentment which our son will pick up on and I don't want him to suffer the same relationship as this in his own life. A 50/50, positive co parenting relationship would be the next best thing to parents together in a loving marriage in think.

It's so hard. I fantasise about a life where I am free 50% of the time, in my own space and having a relationship that doesn't involve living with a man. DH said outright last week in counselling that he could go the rest of his life without sex but as it was a deal breaker for me he felt he had to try
this just made me feel miserable - I don't want to live the rest of my life having duty sex. Meanwhile, there is someone at work who I know if we were both single we would be together: there's no chance we can be, but it's a constant reminder that I am unfulfilled and deserve better.

Hi Angry how are you finding psychosexual counselling? I think that’s the only thing we have left to try really.

The point about “it can’t last”. I am fairly accepting of that, but at the moment just thinking I’d like it to last til the kids leave home.

Still interested to hear from anyone who knew their parents marriage was lacking in affection.

My biggest fear is ruining things (either by staying or splitting) for the DC.

angryfeminist I could have written your post two years ago when we started psychosexual therapy (except for the end bit about your colleague - I don't even fantasise about anyone else anymore unfortunately).

We had a brilliant therapist and it brought us together for the time we were in therapy. A little miracle in my opinion. DH never saw it that way and doesn't even giver her credit for the massive improvements we'd made.

Since ending the therapy, everything has gone back to how it was. I don't thibk there's anything more that I'm prepared to do to make this work.

I was in a similar boat a few years ago. Except I have lost any desire for my H over the years because of how he treated me.
I just could not have sex with someone who didn’t respect me and treated me as a servant.
Yet I wasn’t dead inside and craved human connection. But - kids were small and I wanted to wait until they grew up a bit. And separation also scared me financially.

So I did what most here on MN won’t agree with. But it was right for me at the time and let me keep sane for a few years and let my kids have a family for a bit longer.
I went on a website where others like me - and many of you - meet. There are so many unhappy men and women in this situation, who don’t want to break their families but also want to have intimacy.
It works. It helps people. Especially people who have OK marriages with just the physical side missing.
(In my case - it just gave me time to get ready for the next phase of my life)
IE was the right place for me then, I am happy I found it. Interestingly, I still keep in touch with some people I met there - as friends really.

I feel bad for many of you living in that dark place. Intimacy, being desired, sex - are all important parts of life and no one should give up on that before they are ready.