Housemate style marriage - join me if this is you

[Dreaming0f]

Can this work?

I know lots of people, especially on here will say it can’t work/ you deserve better etc.

But I’ve resigned myself to a (pretty much) sexless marriage that is based on co-parenting and mutual respect and friendship.

We enjoy family time together and fairly decent conversation and I know I would absolutely HATE being a single parent.

Yet it still niggles that I could be with someone I truly dote on and could have amazing sex with, and who truly wanted me in the same way. I literally dream about this and sometimes get down about not chasing my dreams.

The bottom line is I don’t want to break up the family.

Thoughts?

Another one joining. Together 27 years, 4 children.
There is no intimacy at all, and hasn't been for a long time. I miss it, but I'm resigned to this being my life. We get along well, but I don't think either of us is really happy.

Ugh, it’s so depressing isn’t it. Sorry to hear of others in the same boat. I’ve realised that if I dwell on it I’m really unhappy and there is a danger of getting quite low about it.

So my strategy seems to be to not think about it and just get on with parenting, work, hobbies, exercise etc and stuff that’s enjoyable. I have a very nice life apart from this aspect.

I don’t think it will go away though, I think the “noise” this makes in my mind and life will only get louder as kids get older

Yes, this is my current situation. I am seeking therapy shortly and hopefully, it can be reversed. I have a lot of other things to sort out in my life too - like creating more of a social circle/organising a part-time job and I don't have much extended family/really close friends to lean on. Anxiety and depression and peri/menopause is kicking in, so I'm waiting to see how much of this is contributing. My dcs are my ray of sunshine at the moment, I can't bear the thought of upheaval right now, particularly as one of my dcs is fairly young and has challenging behaviour and at least my dh supports me with their care/support around the house. It is a sad situation. I need to create a bit more of a life for myself (this feels like an uphill battle). Sorry to see others in the same situation, thought it is reassuring to hear that I am not alone.

Hah I literally just started a new thread on this, should have joined this one. Love my DH, we are best mates, we laugh, we have same interests, we agree on money and parenting, I can’t imagine life without him. But I’m trying not to think about living with this little sex for the rest of my life, and desperately hoping menopause will switch me off and I can be happy as flat mates, because I’m not sure there’s another option, I have tried for several years to talk and fix, but I think he doesn’t see a problem.

We have been together 17 years. Supposedly Engaged for 8 of them. A proposal that was only done because his brother was Proposing to his gf of a year and he thought I might Be upset so proposed, looked at venues let me try on wedding dresses then said actually I don’t want to get married. I no longer wear my ring. It caused a massive chasm between us.
We are friends and we get on well but I am no longer in love with him. He has never had a high sex drive ( I do. ) we have sex maybe once every 5 months but it’s very perfunctory he doesn’t want to kiss me, minimal foreplay and only cares about him getting off. Our kids absolutely adore him which is only reason I’m still here.
I met someone else and I would have been with him in a heartbeat but couldn’t do it to my kids. I’m in my early 30s and think is this really my life now 😔

Some people do but I dont think you should if you want love in marriage.
I thought we were in same boat when youngest was a baby we had sex once a month and it felt too planned. Now the baby is bit older we have went back to how we were when we 1st met 10 years ago and the attraction and desire is back. It can come back.

@xandersmom2 we sound to be in quite similar situations. Are you staying? I’m not ready to walk away, not sure I will ever be. I love him and we get on so well. I want to grow old with him. If I could just flick a switch and dial my libido down to his level we’d be sorted, hence me hoping on another thread that menopause might be the solution. By the time the kids have left, I’ll know... in the meantime, just keep pottering along I guess.

Thank you OP, your situation resonates with me. I feel very alone in my marriage and have always wondered if the grass was greener... even before our marriage. We have been together 17 years and I am great friends with him but not sure that I have ever been in love. I had a lot of trouble coming to terms with my identity and mental health probs in my 20s, after moving from another country on my own, seeking familiarity and support when we first got together. He was a great supportive person and felt very familiar. I wonder whether this was an artificial reason for being in a relationship and due to my poor self esteem.

Fast forward a few years, we nearly broke up because of an amazing blossoming relationship with a coworker, but I ended up leaving my job as a result to avoid cheating.
We got married and now have 1 child at school, there are many happy times together, as a family. We mostly coparent well, but do have disagreements.
The stress for us which has been testing is we had a traumatic time with a second pregnancy and terminating the pregnancy a few years ago, which I still regret and feel distraught about. I felt like I had to choose between the baby and my DH / family. Separate issue but it adds complexity to my problems!

I don't feel like I love him anymore, but still do get very occasional flickers of love, we haven't had sex for 5 months and manage probably a few times a year. I know he wants to but he doesn't initiate sex and I can't bring myself to have sex with him although I want it very badly.

I suppose my common thread with you OP is that I also feel like I deserve a more intimate love life.

The question is... is true crazy love really possible, can a "housemate" kind of relationship get better with therapy? I don't want to split up our family unit either, our child would be so sad, but should that be enough to keep two people together in a loveless marriage?

I grew up as a child of a loveless marriage. They didn't argue but there was no affection. They stayed together for us kids and split when we left college/uni.

Turned out my dad was gay but that's by the by.

I carry a huge amount of guilt that my mother lived a life with no affection and she did it for me and my siblings. Not only do all of us have major problems building lasting relationships, but we all feel extremely guilty that mom put her happiness aside for us.

What I'm saying is stay, or go, but don't do it for the children because they know more than you think

If it works it works. Many creature comforts to enjoy!

But would avoid trying to fool yourself into believing you’re not settling...

Been there done that and left. Best thing I did was leaving.

@Rainbowsparkle I could have written your post word for word. I'm early 30s too, engaged but not engaged, and just don't know what to do for the best.

Another who’d like to join in please.

My OH and I have been together since very young and so it was never really love. We’re now only together for our children and because neither of us have anyone else.

We have a happy life and no reason to split up. In my eyes the kids happiness and family life is more important than me being with someone I fancy.

It’s really hard isn’t it. Lockdown has just highlighted it even more. I’m really struggling with it. Sounds really naive but I just want to be loved and wanted.

This is us. Married 9 years together for 14. Our son will be 5 this year. We haven't had sex for 2 years. My husband is not interested in sex. He is embarrassed by it. He has ED. Sex would often be abandoned as he can't always maintain an erection. It had to be in the dark, missionary only and I wasn't allowed to move in case he lost his erection. No kissing with tongues, no foreplay. He has depression and anxiety and is now taking meds but refuses to continue with CBT. I wonder if I'm wasting my life living as housemates because I crave sexual intimacy. I don't miss sex with my husband because it was always a disappointment and was all about my husband and him trying to get an erection and then trying to maintain it. It's all very sad.because I do love him but now I'm no longer infatuated with him as my focus is on our son I am questioning it more.

Yup, this is me. No sex for 6 months, not much last year. No intimacy, physical contact or affection. He said recently he's got no interest at all in sex, in a pretty bitter message, and doesn't want to talk about it. It made me realise I don't want to have sex with him any more either - I've always fancied him and have never felt this way before. I don't think I love him any more tbh, I just haven't got the guts up to talk about separating. I think our kids (11 and 7) would be better of with us apart too. It's such a sad, lonely situation to be in.

This was me. I have found the most amazing man. He’s sexy, kind and clever. He tells me that he adores me and shows me every day. I had no idea that sex could feel like this. It’s a leap of faith and I had no intention of meeting someone else, but my ‘friendship marriage’ was breaking my spirit so I ended it. Then I found him quite by accident.

I just haven't got the guts up to talk about separating

This. Yes, I totally get the friendship marriage breaking your spirit Bath and I'm pleased things have improved for you. But, I have young children and things are complicated. So, I am where I am. I don't work, I don't have a great support network. So I've taken the route of something is better than nothing. I lack confidence in all areas of my life unfortunately.

My wife recently revealed that currently she's not in love with me, and currently doesn't feel attracted to me. There's some other crush she is thinking about and it's interfering with her feelings for me.

We both love each other, very much enjoy our time together with our one year old daughter, and both really want to make it work, as in rekindle things. We've had sex once a month or so since our daughter was a month or two old, we find it hard to find the time or energy more than that!

Do you think it's possible to rekindle or are we kidding ourselves? The willingness is there on both sides but you can't force feelings. Lockdown has given her time to think about this more and bring it up.

I can't imagine leaving our home and having separate households and sharing our daughter, it's too horrible to think about. And financially too I don't even see how it's possible.

I've just replied to another similar thread where the OP signposted me here. So much of what's being said resonates with me. Will type out details another time but basically, sex has always been a problem for him. Recently we talked about things and he is making an effort but it's made me realise I don't fancy him at the moment. The issues of the past have eroded my confidence. I find myself longing for an affair. Everything else is good and I would never leave for the kids and for the life we can have now. I'm looking into counselling. I resent him a bit now. It's so exhausting. I hope this thread remains active. We all need the support.

Read every single post on here this thread, as I'm in the same situation. Trying to work out whether it will get better or not.

Have had sex once in 18 months. I've tried to initiate it but get rebuffed so have given up. We've had a tough time this last 3 years with our finances with redundancies and other unfortunate incidents. Decisions have been made which in hindsight may not have been the right ones, husband uses me as a convenient scapegoat to blame, rather than taking joint responsibility. Think the withholding of sex and affection is his way of punishing me, his little bit of power.

He's always telling me he's unhappy but doesn't actually try and make things better.

Have already decided than I'm not going to stay in the marriage if he doesn't make an effort to improve things. Whilst it will be bloody hard, I have read that divorce is actually easier on kids when they're younger so I feel that I'd be doing the best by them to make a big change whilst they're still young enough to not really remember their former life, especially the youngest two.

I'd love to know about anyone who was like this and did manage to turn things around. I still love him, I'm still attracted to him, but he doesn't reciprocate.

Joining because I’m in the same boat. We’ve been married for 11 years. Things were fine to start with but infertility and health problems have taken its toll. He has health problems which have caused a lack of sex drive. It had been petering then suddenly stopped. It’s been 9 months now. It’s not helped that we moved to separate beds when I had health problems. He also drinks a lot and most weekend nights (we rarely did it in the week before it stopped) he’s fallen asleep post beer before even the thought of anything could happen.
It’s not just the sex but a lack of affection in general. Sometimes I wonder if he even likes me let alone loves me. Separating would cause a huge amount of heartache and I think he’d be really shocked if I said about separating. We don’t really talk about the lack of sex. It just doesn’t happen and we have been in separate beds for over a year.

Not ready to type much, but im in a similar situation. Breaks your soul and spirit doesnt it

I think the reasons for being in this state are important. If you'd both like more sex with each other but are so knackered or DC are always around, never asleep etc, then it could get better as circumstances change. Or if you really feel like you or your partner has almost entirely lost their sex drive, but when you do finally get down to it, you both enjoy it - that's also a good sign.

I think a lot of marriages, maybe even most, go through stages of being housemate-like. Just as when people are single, it's not non-stop parties and dates, it's often slobbing at home watching reruns of Friends wondering when something exciting will happen. Life isn't always shiny, with or without a partner.