Housemate style marriage - join me if this is you

[Dreaming0f]

Can this work?

I know lots of people, especially on here will say it can’t work/ you deserve better etc.

But I’ve resigned myself to a (pretty much) sexless marriage that is based on co-parenting and mutual respect and friendship.

We enjoy family time together and fairly decent conversation and I know I would absolutely HATE being a single parent.

Yet it still niggles that I could be with someone I truly dote on and could have amazing sex with, and who truly wanted me in the same way. I literally dream about this and sometimes get down about not chasing my dreams.

The bottom line is I don’t want to break up the family.

Thoughts?

So sad reading how many women feel trapped in unfulfilling marriages.
I am too. In fact I think we are less than housemates, more like lodgers.
The thought of it is all consuming and I have a constant inner dialogue running in my head, day and night. It's exhausting. He will never get to hear any of it, not interested in my side of things whenever it comes up.
I want to end the marriage but I just don't know how.

You people are my people. We're housemates and have been so for about nine or ten years now. I honestly wish I'd left nine years ago but I was never brave enough. It's eaten away at me and I'm so angry about it, almost every time he irritates me it comes back to this issue. I always lived in hope that it's get better, if I lost weight, it I tried harder, if we talked about it, if we didn't talk about it and took the pressure off. Turns out I've realised it's not me! And I don't actually want obligation pity sex, I don't even want him to touch me. We get on well on the surface, but underneath is festering anger about the fact he'd have a wank (half the time leaving his semen up the wall/in his car/on his desk) than touch his actual wife. The disrespect is staggering.

Id love to find an exit without plunging myself into poverty and harming my DC but I'm not sure it's possible. Especially given this will be the relationship model by DC see as they grow up.

Yet it still niggles that I could be with someone I truly dote on and could have amazing sex with, and who truly wanted me in the same way.

I guess for me, I sometimes think I should have found a person like that, but realistically, was that likely?

I try not to think too much about what could have been, because it's too easy to think that the next date might have been the one who would have really loved me. It's also possible (and much more likely) I would have been alone forever and never had kids, or settled with someone worse.

For me, being with a nice person who is a good partner (in the housemate sense) is a good achievement. It's much more than many others have.

I’m on my own after being in a relationship like this that totally mirrored my parents.

I would say, that being alone is a lot less lonely in a different way. I could have stayed and I miss some of the daily domesticity. Having someone to cook for. Sometimes it’s lonely coming home to an empty flat.

But I have gained more friends. I make myself do more. I enjoy my own company more. I don’t feel constantly sad. I don’t feel like I’m dying from a thousand cuts. I don’t feel ashamed that I sleep alone.

Yes of course I would like to meet someone to have a great relationship with, but at least I don’t feel constantly sad and rejected. And I am actually friends with my ex. We make better friends.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on MN ,so many people feeling trapped and unhappy .

I'm in a loveless relationship ,it's my own fault as having had the failure of a marriage in which I was hugely emotionally invested ,I deliberately avoided getting involved with anyone I would feel too much for .

We are at least equal in our lack of affection for each other but it's a terrible thought what we are modelling for our son . And I know we bring out the worst in eachother .

A combination of circumstances - surgery and the complete absence of any physical contact or kindness unless sex is wanted - means that I've not slept with him for years .My choice ,not his .

He's a poor housemate ,selfish and lazy ,avoiding all responsibilty for everything .

Finances and lack of courage keep me locked in .

But ,we have to make our own happiness .My relationship with the person I live with may be sterile but it's not wreathed round with alcohol /drugs/poverty or deliberate unkindness.

He lives his own life and I think the answer for me must be to spend more time away ,visiting friends or (glorious thought ) spending a few days on my own .

@peridito

I agree one needs to make ones own happiness. But if the best you can say about your relationship and defending it is that it’s not mired in drugs or poverty then I think you should see a therapist, and I mean that in a kind way. Many people who stay in awful relationships stay because it’s not as bad as XYZ that doesn’t mean it’s not bad enough to leave.

Most people regret wasting their life. No one I ever have know ever regrets leaving a shit marriage.

Ive just read this thread and I can relate so much to it all. Difference with me is me and DP have been together just over 2 years and living together almost 1 year.

I've raised my worries to DP many times about the lack of sex. Once a week if I'm lucky. He only seems to initiate anything when he's had a drink. It all came to a head again this week and I said I don't want to live with a housemate and I feel like we've been together forever. This isn't how a new relationship should be.

I've been sleeping downstairs for weeks because I just can't take the rejection. He knows this and still no change. Last night I got into bed hoping after thrashing it all out again we could maybe connect but nothing. So I ended up coming downstairs to the sofa. I just cannot sleep next to him feeling unwanted.

He is really affectionate and caring and kind in all other ways but I just feel like he doesn't find me desirable. Apparently he does but it doesn't feel like it at all. He is on ADs that I know don't help his libido but I also feel like he isn't bothered about making an effort because everything else is good.

I am just glad I'm not the only one. Me and DH have been like housemates for a few years, no sex, barely even any hugs or touch. But recently it's more like one of those housemates where you don't want to be in the shared kitchen at the same time. But, my kids adore him (mostly because he let's them look at screens all day and buys biscuits). Also I couldn't cope on my own. My mental health is very fragile. I wouldn't have the self confidence to meet anyone else, and I'm sure nobody would be interested in me, but I don't want to be on my own the rest of my life. Financially I don't know what I would do. So I'm stuck.

Interesting thread. My DH moved out of the marital bedroom after 2nd child so he could sleep, returned intermittently for sex but left as the bed was uncomfortable...makes you feel really good. Times passes so quickly..I am of no consequence to my DH - discovered a long back history of flirting with other women, later aided and abetted by the internet. My DH lives his own life...I do the grunt work and try to find time for myself between full time work and domestic stuff. Children now both young adults ...I need to find the energy to change things but tired and over-burdened. Wish he had just left when he had the chance with one of his special friends. Don't see DH as a housemate -implies more sharing of the domestic burden I think. He rarely acts or addresses me in a sexual way ....he knows he has burnt those bridges.

This is a sad thread. I’m in the same boat. Have been with my partner for 11 years. He’s never been very interested in sex (previously I had a very active sex life). Once I was pregnant with dd, now 8, he stopped having sex with me completely - it’s been 8.5 years now. Part of the issue is physical - he has a very tight foreskin but refuses to go to the GP - he’s never enjoyed sea because of this. It drives me crazy that he’s ruined the best years of my life because he won’t get help. I’m 41 now, reasonable attractive, but stuck for financial reasons really. We do have loads of fun, he’s a great dad and a lovely flat mate but I want so much more.

We're kind of in this situation but not intentionally and it's worked out well. In hindsight if we'd been able to get to this same point by talking maturely years ago it would been great. We decided to get divorced last year, catalyst was his affair, but actually sexless/affectionless marriage. Started divorce and house move proceedings. Corona. Still in same house. But, here's the beauty of it. Because we've already split up, we're both getting sex elsewhere. So, we're flat mates, co-parents.
Neither of us fancies the other.
If we'd be able to have a conversation years ago of let's just let be coparenting flat mates, and never have sex again with each other but can with others, it would have been useful.

@arethereanyleftatall

Probably inevitable that one of you would have caught some feelings at some point though.

Place marking

I know that this is a bit of a dead thread, but just wanted to add my bit.
Together 30 years, married 25, children.
Hubby worked away a lot and I adored him, sex good when he was here.
Alcohol was big when socialising at work, and he drank at home.
Fast forward many years and he had anxiety which forced him off work. Eventually went on antidepressants and went back to work, still drinking.
He has never been great with money but has always sorted it out, I don’t like debt and credit cards. If you’ve not got the money don’t buy it is my philosophy.
I found out he was telling little lies, Nothing big, but I hate lies. Lies that avoid confrontation.
Then he took early retirement.
Now I’m left with a man who is overweight, takes antidepressants, drinks a bottle of wine every day, stays up late and gets up late, and is turning into an old man.
We have had sex three times earlier this year, none since about April.
I no longer fancy him, I don’t want him to touch me, I’m resentful of things that have happened, I don’t think I love him and I hate it when he calls me love.
I dream of being in this house on my own, being in charge of my own money and having stuff done in the house that I want but he can’t be arsed to do ( like simple decorating hasn’t been done for 20 years, and he said he would do it when he retired).
If he lost some weight, cut down the drinking and made a bit of effort in bed I might be tempted, but I know if I spoke to him he might make the effort for a short time then go back. But at the moment I don’t want sex with him.
It’s easier to stay and be house mates. He has a good income ( mine is part time ), he cooks tea a couple of nights a week, mows the lawn, has the kids if they’re off school and I’m working, and if he died I’d get everything.
I’m not worried about being alone, I wouldn’t be looking for a partner as I don’t want to be this trapped again.
It’s constantly going around in my head, should I leave or should I go ?It’s driving me mad.
Is it a feeling of discontentment due to peri menopause and will it settle, or do I need to go ?

@Dreaming0f

I’m sorry to hear you are unhappy in your marriage. I was in a housemate marriage — lost all interest in sex with H due to the damage done by the relationship. I couldn’t be vulnerable around him again & I never will be able to. In fact, it’ll take a lot for me to be physically vulnerable around any man.

But leaving was so hard. We’ve no DC which I know is easier in ways but also harder be because he was my last chance to have them. I gave my childbearing years to a sexless marriage! Even I wonder how that happened!

It’s a process. See a good therapist. I never would have left if I hadn’t been in therapy.

@FippertyGibbett

I know that this is a bit of a dead thread, but just wanted to add my bit. Together 30 years, married 25, children. Hubby worked away a lot and I adored him, sex good when he was here. Alcohol was big when socialising at work, and he drank at home. Fast forward many years and he had anxiety which forced him off work. Eventually went on antidepressants and went back to work, still drinking. He has never been great with money but has always sorted it out, I don’t like debt and credit cards. If you’ve not got the money don’t buy it is my philosophy. I found out he was telling little lies, Nothing big, but I hate lies. Lies that avoid confrontation. Then he took early retirement. Now I’m left with a man who is overweight, takes antidepressants, drinks a bottle of wine every day, stays up late and gets up late, and is turning into an old man. We have had sex three times earlier this year, none since about April. I no longer fancy him, I don’t want him to touch me, I’m resentful of things that have happened, I don’t think I love him and I hate it when he calls me love. I dream of being in this house on my own, being in charge of my own money and having stuff done in the house that I want but he can’t be arsed to do ( like simple decorating hasn’t been done for 20 years, and he said he would do it when he retired). If he lost some weight, cut down the drinking and made a bit of effort in bed I might be tempted, but I know if I spoke to him he might make the effort for a short time then go back. But at the moment I don’t want sex with him. It’s easier to stay and be house mates. He has a good income ( mine is part time ), he cooks tea a couple of nights a week, mows the lawn, has the kids if they’re off school and I’m working, and if he died I’d get everything. I’m not worried about being alone, I wouldn’t be looking for a partner as I don’t want to be this trapped again. It’s constantly going around in my head, should I leave or should I go ?It’s driving me mad. Is it a feeling of discontentment due to peri menopause and will it settle, or do I need to go ?

You sound like someone I know except she is I would guess about 15 years older than you . I think she is hoping her H will just drop dead on one of his drinking binges .

This is no way to live . I was there as well minus the alcohol but with the depression and everything else and it was always my fault . Honestly you do not know how much misery you are in and how it sucks the life out of you until you are no longer with them . Are you ready for another 20 years of this ?