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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To those who have stayed after sexting...

302 replies

Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 11:24

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

The background is that he does have a past of addiction. He was addicted to porn and sex chats. Before that he was a recreational drug user, but on the verge of addiction too. I've always known this. I never had an issue with it. I know he has some compulsion/instant gratification issues too. I'm a sociologist so I know a bit about human behaviour.

The pint is that before this incident he was the perfect man. In every single way. We just had a baby in October, had juat bought and moved to our new house and we're starting to plan our wedding. Apart from some minor lockdown related niggles we lived a blissful life.

I don't see this incident equal to cheating I see it closer to porn, but the trust issue (he could have told me, I wouldn't had been mad as I know his past) is what for the most part breaks my heart. Yes, he should have stopped, but having seen addictions and compulsive behaviours (me included) I understand how hard that can be.

Anywho, for those who moved on and stayed together, how did you survive the initial mood swings? I go from empathy/sympathy to sadness and anger. He says he'll do anything I ask. He'll do rehab again (he did in the past for the porn). He's remorseful I can tell and he wants to get sorted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 08:48

No, they're not promiscuous at all they like to banter with younger men and use double entendres all the time. My mum had acquaintances that were that way. They would go to chippendale clubs and the like. I do remember them.

OP posts:
vikingwife · 02/06/2020 08:50

His sexting is just “banter” & it would be very “uncool girl” to make a thing of it.

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 08:51

No, they're not promiscuous at all they like to banter with younger men and use double entendres all the time. My mum had acquaintances that were that way. They would go to chippendale clubs and the like. I do remember them.

Yes and apparently they are the type of women your partner is aroused by, as proven by his sexting her.

You seem to have a superiority complex when it comes to intellect, your relationship (perfect / blissful but actually not) and now the "type" of woman you are ie not like those ones.

But those ones are the type your partner risked your relationship for. Can't you see that?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 08:52

Yes, he's going to therapy after we speak with the couple therapist. He stopped eating and was crying and has been open to talk about his past.

He's said that he's been asking himself why he did it. He knows that he felt disgust after he did it. He has like threw different theories of why he did it. Not getting caught, compliment fishing, brain going blank...

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/06/2020 08:53

So if by your own admission she’s not promiscuous what does that tell you about the fact her and your partner are basically having an affair.?

Is she single.?

NoHardSell · 02/06/2020 08:54

Ok. I think it might be useful to start talking to family and friends in real life about this, and about your thoughts. It's great that you have a therapist but maybe running some of this past your GP as well might be helpful? Outside perspectives from people who know you, and your partner, as friends might be useful. Therapists and internet friends only see one part of the picture.

Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 08:55

Fucks sake OP it's like you deliberately don't want to listen. He did it because he wanted to, it was exciting it was new and she was forbidden fruit. She's not promiscuous by the way, easy to blame the OW. He will do it again because he enjoyed it. It's not an addiction, he wants something a little more exciting than walking the dogs and falling asleep on the couch together. All the degrees in the world won't help, he's a dog and you're being a doormat. You literally won't listen to anyone telling you that so you've made your own bed, please lay down.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 08:57

Yes, I get that. But isn't the point that as long as people work hard and want to save the relationship they can recover after cheating? I don't even see it 100% as cheating, it's more of a trust issue. They're completely related but I'm almost certain he didn't/is having an affair.

OP posts:
Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 08:57

You don't see it as cheating? Then what's the problem, let him crack on.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:02

When did I blame her? She owes me nothing. He should have said no, not her. Her morals are up to her they have no relevance to me. And yes she's married, but again, why does that matter? Completely irrelevant to me.

My GP only wants me in anti depressants. But the psychiatrist and a few psychologists have said that definitely wouldn't help.

Friends who know me and I have spoken to have said it's worth saving. Both even said that I could still get married considering it is next year there's time to cancel.

My mom gave me a oat on the back for rationalising.

OP posts:
Countryboy1 · 02/06/2020 09:03

Whilst you are analysing his reasons for wanking over the net to some random stranger, he'll keep on doing what he's doing, .....and can then use the excuse that his "mind goes blank"???...seriously what does that even mean. Sorry OP there is no dream lover here...just a guy that wants and gets as he pleases. He's playing you. You might wanna get a grip on reality.

Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 09:04

In sorry but your mum and your friends are wrong. They aren't looking out for your best interests. You don't even acknowledge that this man was having a sexual conversation with someone else behind your back. I hope you're ready for many many years of this because you've basically told him it's okay

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:05

*pat

It has similarities with cheating, but no, to me it isn't cheating.

There's two issues at hand a) he could have/should have stopped but didn't. Why didn't he is up to him to figure it out.

B) he could have told me and his honesty would have made a massive difference. But he chose not to.

OP posts:
Mumoblue · 02/06/2020 09:06

I'd be wary of any psychiatrist who told me antidepressants "definitely wouldn't help".

Look, clearly you want to stay. Not what I would do, but to each their own.
But for your own sanity you should stop over analysing it.
Why did he do it? Because he wanted to and thought he could get away with it.
How can you trust him again? You can't, probably. Or you just stick your head in the sand and go la la la and hope he's not going to do it again.
Or apparently give him permission.

Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 09:07

He chose not to tell you, which he will do again. How do you know it was just sexting? He's not the most honest is he?

Just wondering will you be teaching your son that treating women like a doormat is wrong or will you just let him watch this situation as he grows up and let him turn into his dad

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 09:07

I'm still undecided about what to do. My heart says leave but my brain says stay.

These are the first two sentences of your post.

You are absolutely kidding yourself.

As I said, he knows you won't leave him so there's no real motivation to put you and your relationship first.

You've batted away every suggestion / opinion people have shared.

When you read your posts back, do you see how they come across as desperate? I'm asking that seriously because it's really sad to read and just comes across like you'll accept any behaviour as long as you don't lose him.

But the him you have put on a pedestal isn't him. The relationship you've romanticised in your head isn't real.

He's being a dick and you're being a mug. Don't waste your life on someone who I think you know deep down wants to have secret sexual interactions with other people - not an open relationship, but illicit thrill seeking behaviour behind your back. Can you see that?

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:09

If he wants to have explicit conversations with people online, I'm ok with. It's the going behind my back. It could be the going behind my back that gives him the "high". That I wouldn't know either. That only he knows. If he gets his fix from breaking my trust that's a completely different matter. But I don't think anybody knows but him (because sometimes you don't even know).

OP posts:
Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 09:11

If he wants to have explicit conversations with people online, I'm ok with.

Jesus Christ OP, why don't you hold the camera for him so he can get better shots of his dick to send to other women?

This is the biggest waste of time ever, I'm out.

backseatcookers · 02/06/2020 09:11

But that's the point! You won't ever know. So can you live with that, or not?

thenamesarealltaken · 02/06/2020 09:13

OP, I have an MA and MSc, but nothing comes close to real world practical experience, especially involving your own emotions. We can all see more clearly when looking in from the outside, but not everyone can step outside of themselves and look in. I've read this whole thread and you are no different to anyone else, with or without academic qualifications in dealing with this. In fact, despite knowing the details, you're text book in defending and trying to convince yourself that you're accepting, for most of your responses. But, in your original post, you're questioning what to do and stating it makes you unhappy.

I've heard all kinds of words used as excuses for poor behaviour. In the case of this thread you're using mental health and addiction. But, do you know how many husbands do what your husband is doing? My pal, not really friend, poses as a married woman on all kinds of sites, and there are 100's and 100's of local men wanting to do extreme sexting and have affairs - she has her pick. This woman I know, just loves the attention, she's not married, very much single, but the men feel safer as they just want affairs. The guys continually slate their partners/wives to her, but say they prefer to stay with them as they dont want to lose anything, like their home, children, etc. These men have no respect for their wives and many believe their wives have no idea what they're up to. So, no, he's just like 1000's of other guys, it's unlikely to be an addiction or MH. The more you try to categorise him or allocate him an illness, the more he gets the open relationship he's manipulating you into accepting. Well at least you get to decide. Thousands of women right now have no idea what their man gets up to. Reality is, like 1000's of other men, he's gap filling as he's not getting everything he wants from you. Maybe that's acceptable to you. If it is, ok. I guess it should proceed as a private arrangement.

MarthasGinYard · 02/06/2020 09:15

So is the 13 year old dc yours?

LunaNorth · 02/06/2020 09:17

You’ve caught him sexting, and suddenly you’re thinking of ways to make him better, and you have to go the counselling with him?

Haven’t you got enough to do, with a child, job, life, etc?

He’s got you good and proper with his little boy lost routine, hasn’t he? Cheeky bastard.

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:19

You might laugj about it, but I'm sure there's people out there who get off by being dick photographers for their partners (similarly to the ones who like their partners being done by someone else).

The answer is that I don't know if I can live with it or not. I've never dealt well with uncertainty so that makes me think that I wouldn't. But right now, I don't wonder if he's doing it or not. I hope he's not. The ball is on his court, it's down to his moral compass. I'm not here to police him.

All I know is that after this "reset" if he ever does it again now that the rules have been explicitly explained and after our couples therapy , I'll have zero tolerance to any of this behaviour.

OP posts:
Runningmyfeetoff · 02/06/2020 09:20

I think you secretly like being the victim and feeling you have power over him because he's got to make it up to you. You two seem very well suited

Original poster
Purplesndteal · 02/06/2020 09:22

Yes I have a friend who does exactly the same as you. He even has a "dick pic collection". Most of the time she's in her PJs having popcorn. She just does it for the giggles.

He's not convincing me to have an open relationship, I've been fairly open to them before I've met him. I've never been in one but like with swingers I can see what's attractive about them.

OP posts: