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Original poster

Massive Advice Needed

127 replies

Toedipper · 31/05/2020 23:41

Hi, first time poster. I’ve been with my fiancé for 14 years, had a bad past 2 years (all down to me) not knowing if I want to get married or have kids with her. We were at a wedding before Xmas and I knew I wasn’t happy and in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer. Anyway, we’ve been living together during all this and 4 weeks ago she admitted (after I quizzed her) that she’s been sleeping with someone and confirmed they are an item since March just before lockdown. My world has been turned upside down since this news. I was trying to make amends when lockdown started and was having second thoughts about us splitting up. She has now told this new guy to back off while she decides what she wants (me or him basically) I’m 35 and want to have kids, the thought of her going off with this new guy is making me so low I don’t know if I could carry on. She thinks I’m only having a change of heart down to lockdown and that I was suspecting her with someone else, this partly may be true, but I don’t want to lose her. Also, although she hasn’t cheated on me, the thought this was all done in secret has destroyed me. I’m a total wreck. Please help me

OP posts:
Onthemaintrunkline · 01/06/2020 04:03

Sounds to me as though she could just have a point. Engaged 14 years...14 years!! Crickey Charlie, you’re not Mr spontaneous are you and now she’s met someone else after, yr words a.... (bad past 2 years) you’re now realising what you stand to lose. Truly, is your desire to continue in this relationship based on the fact you’ve got competition?

Be honest with your fiancé, I’ve a feeling there’s fences to be mended here.

CuppaZa · 01/06/2020 04:07

I think you lost her when you told her you didn’t want her any more. You don’t want her. You don’t want anyone else to have her. After 14 years, let her be with a grown up. You’re childish

IWantT0BreakFree · 01/06/2020 04:57

14 years? This poor woman has wasted enough time on you. If you wanted to get married and have kids with her, you've had plenty of time to get on with it and she has waited around longer than most people would. The minute she moves on with someone who might actually want the same things as her and be mature enough to settle down, you decide that actually you are ready after all Hmm Sounds like you're just jealous and don't want anyone else to have her. Don't let her throw away a chance at happiness just to stroke your ego. I'm guessing she's also mid thirties, in which case you may well rob her of her last fertile years and chance at a family by messing her around. Only pursue this relationship if you are absolutely certain that you genuinely want to be with her forever, and want the same things on the same timeline.

needhandhold · 01/06/2020 05:56

The Beyoncé song mate “if you like it then you should have put a ring on it”. You took her for granted and thought you were in the driving seat here. She’s cutting her losses and gone out and found somebody who does want her. Sorry but it’s your loss. Time to stop now. Stop guilting her. Wish her well and let her move on. Let this be a lesson to you. If you jerk somebody around then you’ll end up losing them. It’s sad because I’m guessing you stopped trying and stopped respecting her. I don’t think it’s fair that you try and get her to change her mind. You only want her because she’s no longer yours.

ACNH · 01/06/2020 05:59

It’s time for you to go your separate ways.

AlwaysCheddar · 01/06/2020 06:01

Separate ways.... relationship is over. Trust gone on both sides.

CharmerLlama · 01/06/2020 06:36

What everyone else is saying. You had your chance and you blew it. Now she's found someone new and you're jealous. Think about the reasons you were unhappy and why you previously didn't want to marry her or have children with her. Why have those things changed?

I think you should let this woman go without guilting her so that she can find real love with someone who respects her. If you make her give up her new man and then decide 'oh I was right, it's not working' then that would be the worst thing ever.

Justyouraveragehuman · 01/06/2020 06:46

If you care about her, leave her and let her be happy. 14 years is a long time to wait for all of those things to happen. You also don’t truly want to be with her, you are just feeling this way as you have found out she has been with someone else.

Takingontheworld · 01/06/2020 06:59

Are you kidding? You kept her hanging on for FOURTEEN years... admitted you've given her a shitty couple of years leading up to this and then YOU were having second thoughts about splitting? You just don't want anyone else to have her do you? Happy to keep her hanging on forever while you make your mind up with no consideration for the years of her life you've wasted.
What if she now struggles to conceive having waited for you so long?

You sound extremely selfish and I hope she finds someone who actually cherishes her, not controls the relationship.

Toomboom · 01/06/2020 07:00

To me it sounds like you don't want her, but expect her to to wait around while you decide.
Now that she has found someone else who does want to be with her you are having second thoughts!

You need to let her go to be happy. Fourteen years is a very long time to wait around for you to decide what you want.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 01/06/2020 07:10

She should leave you. You're only interested because she found someone else. Let her go and be happy. You don't deserve her.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 07:13

We have been together for 14 years, engaged since 2014.

I knew the general response would be that it is because someone else is on the scene, and maybe that’s partly true, but I do and always have loved her. I’ve had a lot of issues myself mentally the past 3/4 years that have massively clouded my judgement on a lot of things in my life, and I’ve paid the ultimate price in her meeting someone else.

I want nothing more than to have a family with her and start again. We never fall out or argue, have always got on so well with each other and so have our families. I don’t want to waste all of that.

OP posts:
nannytothequeen · 01/06/2020 07:16

And yet you told her you didn't want her? She acted on that and certainly can't be accused of doing the pick me dance. I suspect if she had you still wouldn't be interested. Too late sunshine. Give that woman a medal!

Justyouraveragehuman · 01/06/2020 07:16

OP as I said before, if you care for this woman then let her be happy and let her go. You are being selfish. I’m sorry to hear you have struggled with your mental health.

PepeSkunk · 01/06/2020 07:20

You've told her at the beginning of the year that you didn't want to be with her any more and so she's moved on.

Six years is a long time for a couple to be engaged, especially as you've been together for so long before that too. There must be a reason that you didn't marry a year or two after the engagement.then you've had a bad couple of years as well.

It's just not working.

I imagine that she thinks that you are just saying you want her now because you can't have her anymore.

needhandhold · 01/06/2020 07:22

Why did you think you didn’t want her though? Have you got to the bottom of that?

Moondust001 · 01/06/2020 07:24

This isn't up to you. It's her decision to make. But you are incredibly selfish and have always wanted the relationship on your terms. You still do. This has got nothing to do with you loving her - you don't or you would never have been so selfish in the past. This is about you loving yourself and what you want more than you love her. You've been playing her and you don't deserve her.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 07:26

I tried to patch things up and suggested trying again before I knew someone else was on the scene, (we still live together) but as I was trying I sensed something was up and 2/3 weeks later she admitted everything to me.

We are really good together, always have been really, for some reason we’ve just never got married or had a baby as of yet, which now I really want to do. A Counsellor I’ve spoken to for a few weeks recently has told me I’ve had/having a mid life crisis for a while, (don’t know what to make of that) and now I feel I’m ready to grow up and have a family with her.

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 01/06/2020 07:28

You thought someone better might come along, that's why you didn't marry her. Well someone better came along, for her!

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 07:29

@Moondust001

This isn't up to you. It's her decision to make. But you are incredibly selfish and have always wanted the relationship on your terms. You still do. This has got nothing to do with you loving her - you don't or you would never have been so selfish in the past. This is about you loving yourself and what you want more than you love her. You've been playing her and you don't deserve her.
I agree I’ve took her for granted at times and this is her decision, and I don’t deserve her. But I want nothing more to have a baby with her and make her happy. I’ve had issues with being selfish, ignorant and I’m changing, she knows this too. Like I’ve said I’ve had issues myself that I’m getting help with. I want to change and be a better person and make her happier than she could ever be.
OP posts:
PepeSkunk · 01/06/2020 07:44

Well, I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who was selfish and ignorant and who had taken me for granted and told me he didn't want to be with me after going to a wedding and who got engaged after eight years and then still didn't marry me 'for some reason' and who I had had a bad couple of years with prior to this Christmas dumping and who had had clouded judgement for 3/4 years.

category12 · 01/06/2020 07:45

This is basically you being the dog in the manger.

You didn't want her, but you don't want anyone else to have her either. That's all.

As soon as you secure her, you'll be all "I don't know what I waaaant" and shit again. I'd recommend she ditch you.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 07:51

@PepeSkunk

Well, I wouldn't want to have a baby with someone who was selfish and ignorant and who had taken me for granted and told me he didn't want to be with me after going to a wedding and who got engaged after eight years and then still didn't marry me 'for some reason' and who I had had a bad couple of years with prior to this Christmas dumping and who had had clouded judgement for 3/4 years.
Yes after 8 years, but we were very young have been together since we were 20.

True I’ve not been the best person to be around for a while but we do love each other and I know I can change things from today, I can’t do anything about the past.

OP posts:
Dollyrocket · 01/06/2020 07:51

OP it doesn’t really sound like you’re accepting any of he advice given here...

Buggedandconfused · 01/06/2020 07:54

Too little too late. Sorry, you’ve lost her.