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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Massive Advice Needed

127 replies

Toedipper · 31/05/2020 23:41

Hi, first time poster. I’ve been with my fiancé for 14 years, had a bad past 2 years (all down to me) not knowing if I want to get married or have kids with her. We were at a wedding before Xmas and I knew I wasn’t happy and in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer. Anyway, we’ve been living together during all this and 4 weeks ago she admitted (after I quizzed her) that she’s been sleeping with someone and confirmed they are an item since March just before lockdown. My world has been turned upside down since this news. I was trying to make amends when lockdown started and was having second thoughts about us splitting up. She has now told this new guy to back off while she decides what she wants (me or him basically) I’m 35 and want to have kids, the thought of her going off with this new guy is making me so low I don’t know if I could carry on. She thinks I’m only having a change of heart down to lockdown and that I was suspecting her with someone else, this partly may be true, but I don’t want to lose her. Also, although she hasn’t cheated on me, the thought this was all done in secret has destroyed me. I’m a total wreck. Please help me

OP posts:
JumpingAtJackdaws · 01/06/2020 09:14

You said yourself you hadn't been happy for a long time. You went to a wedding and it cemented that marriage wasn't something you wanted. You told her you didn't want her. The only thing that's changed since then is she's found someone else. Why were you so unhappy with the relationship? Be honest with yourself. Is fear of being alone driving your emotions now? And having a baby to save a poor relationship never works. Yes you get to be excited about trying for one, discussing names, planning a future etc but the reality is a baby tests the best of relationships. Any weaknesses are magnified x10.

To me it sounds like your relationship has run its course. Sad and scary after such a long time, but dragging it out would be a mistake, and unfair on your partner.

0hforfoxsake · 01/06/2020 09:15

Your love isn’t enough to make a successful marriage. Not on its own.

It’s over, let it go.

saraclara · 01/06/2020 09:15

It sounds to me that you have swung a complete 180 degrees from not being sure and not being happy, to wanting to have a family & settle down.

Yep. No wonder she's confused.

And by the way, every single post so far is about how YOU feel, and what YOU want. Apparently she should be thrilled that now you want to marry her and have babies. After years of dithering, including two years of making life miserable for her. Maybe you should be trying to see her point of view, rather than assuming that everything will be roses for her if you marry her.

Ughmaybenot · 01/06/2020 09:16

You’ve really wasted her time haven’t you? To be honest this just sounds like you don’t want her, but you don’t want anyone else to have her either. Stop being cruel. You’ve been messing with her head for years, let her go and let her be happy.

WhotheWhat · 01/06/2020 09:16

Is no body else thinking that a baby won't fix this?!

@bigfootfred everybody is thinking this.

PrimeroseHillAnnie · 01/06/2020 09:21

It’s time for you to go your separate ways.. This, move on.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 09:23

In response to a couple of points...

I suggested getting married before having a baby to prove it’s not a knee jerk reaction and I do want to be married to her. She seemed to think this was to delay having a baby (she said this tongue in cheek btw) I stressed it wasn’t and I’d do it in any order she wanted, I’d just like to commit myself to her first.

I don’t expect her to come rushing back and she certainly isn’t, she keeps saying she doesn’t think I can get over what has happened this year and I need to prove to her I can and will as it’s her who I want, we’ve been together a long time as I’ve said.

Again, I didn’t know she’d met someone else, she told me this after we sat down and I told her I want to try again and give her everything she wants.

The ball is in her court and have to accept it if she doesn’t want to try again. I just have no idea how I’ll cope to live without her. The problems I’ve had in the past 2 years have had nothing to do with her yet it’s cost me my relationship

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 01/06/2020 09:26

She seemed to think this was to delay having a baby (she said this tongue in cheek btw)

Behind every jest is an element of truth.

You've dicked her around for too long. Now you're fucking with her head even more by dangling the thing she's wanted for years and making her gamble her chance at happiness on a losing horse.

You've admitted you're selfish and trying to change. But this is the most selfish thing you can do.

category12 · 01/06/2020 09:27

You cost you your relationship. Not some nebulous "it" outside of yourself - own it.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 09:28

Yes I agree with this, and I’ve admitted this repeatedly to her and blamed myself

OP posts:
AllsortsofAwkward · 01/06/2020 09:31

You like the idea of her because she was with someone else. It's the old saying when you cant have her you want her. But you dont love the reality of her otherwise by your admission you wouldn't have treated badly for years and being incisive. Will you change your mind again if she has kids with you? Do her a favour and cut her loose so she can find someone who's really wants to be with her.

Neveranynamesleft · 01/06/2020 09:34

You will cope, you are a big boy now ! You will just have to accept that things are different and move on. In time you will meet someone else, although at the moment you wont be able to see or accept that.
Maybe you just dont like change, unfortunately that is not not always something that we can do anything about and you will just have to ride with it.
Who knows what waits around the corner. You could be in a much better place in 6 months / a year / 3 years time. Who knows.

PepeSkunk · 01/06/2020 09:37

Is no body else thinking that a baby won't fix this?!

Not a single person has said go ahead, have a baby, everything will be fine.

Onone · 01/06/2020 09:38

Sorry but you told her you was unhappy an couldn’t go on so she has moved on

JumpingAtJackdaws · 01/06/2020 09:44

Again, I didn’t know she’d met someone else, she told me this after we sat down and I told her I want to try again and give her everything she wants. Well it would have been pretty obvious her focus was no longer on her relationship with you, and you panicked when you realised you were no longer in the driving seat. Be honest.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 09:45

You snooze you lose.

I suspect you want a child for the wrong reasons - ie having a legacy, visualising soccer games at the park & someone to take care of you when you’re old.

madcatladyforever · 01/06/2020 09:52

Quite honestly if I'd been dangled at the end of a rope for 14 years I'd have been off long before that!
Now you've decided you want her after all after she's found someone else.
She wants marriage and children and unless you stop messing around and come up with the goods she will leave.
I think it's really wicked to make someone put their life on hold in this way for so long while you enjoy the relationship without any committment on your part.
i hope she leaves you because you don't deserve her. not many women would have put up with this for so long.
You only want her back because it looks like she has a really good chance of being happy with someone else. You should be ashamed of yourself.

madcatladyforever · 01/06/2020 09:56

I don’t expect her to come rushing back and she certainly isn’t, she keeps saying she doesn’t think I can get over what has happened this year and I need to prove to her I can and will as it’s her who I want, we’ve been together a long time as I’ve said.

What this actually means when women say it is that they don't want to come back. Despite everything she is trying to let you down gently. She won't come back. It's too late.

Musti · 01/06/2020 10:01

Let me tell you something. You don't mess around someone you love the way you have done with her. If you do love her tou will let her go without anymore of your over dramatic, pathetic, selfish navel gazing bollocks you're so keen on doing.

I hope she has an amazing life with a man who deserves and wants her. I'm angry with idiots like you because I have a few friends who lost the chance to become mothers because they were unlucky enough to be with men like you.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 10:10

Nice to see the men haters on the thread when I’m opening up and taking full responsibility about messing up my relationship.

I am ashamed of myself with how I’ve handled stuff as we all make mistakes. All I want to do is put things right and make her happy as she’s been a massive part of my life.

Thanks for the general hatred though ladies (not all posters)

OP posts:
MinteeFresh · 01/06/2020 10:15

They're judging your behaviour as described by you - not men in general

Ughmaybenot · 01/06/2020 10:26

Men haters Hmm

OP I’m sorry that the answers haven’t been what you wanted, and I am sorry you’re hurting, but if you were being completely honest with yourself, I think you’d see what we are all saying; you don’t really truly love and want her and a family, or you’d have made it happen already. It wasn’t enough for you before, nothing has changed. It would be kindest on both of you to let it go and move on.

Sparklfairy · 01/06/2020 10:29

Nice to see the men haters on the thread

You're new here aren't you... Honesty here is not just reserved for men.

You say all I want is to make her happy. Again making it about you, and you deciding what makes her happy (i.e. you being with her and making babies).

Seriously. Let her go.

Original poster
Toedipper · 01/06/2020 10:32

@Sparklfairy

Nice to see the men haters on the thread

You're new here aren't you... Honesty here is not just reserved for men.

You say all I want is to make her happy. Again making it about you, and you deciding what makes her happy (i.e. you being with her and making babies).

Seriously. Let her go.

Yes and sorry if I’ve overacted. I’m all over the place at the moment. I thought I was bad last year but it’s nothing on this right now.

Yeah I agree it sounds like it’s all about me, but she only told me not long ago she definitely DOES want a baby, she NEVER told me this before, she said she’d happily not have one and stay with me. Now I know it is exactly what SHE wants, I want that so much too

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/06/2020 10:32

Yes let her go - I dont think this is right for either of you. You have been together so long I think you are both scared of being apart but if you were meant to be it wouldnt be this hard

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