Massive Advice Needed

[Toedipper]

Hi, first time poster. I’ve been with my fiancé for 14 years, had a bad past 2 years (all down to me) not knowing if I want to get married or have kids with her. We were at a wedding before Xmas and I knew I wasn’t happy and in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer. Anyway, we’ve been living together during all this and 4 weeks ago she admitted (after I quizzed her) that she’s been sleeping with someone and confirmed they are an item since March just before lockdown. My world has been turned upside down since this news. I was trying to make amends when lockdown started and was having second thoughts about us splitting up. She has now told this new guy to back off while she decides what she wants (me or him basically) I’m 35 and want to have kids, the thought of her going off with this new guy is making me so low I don’t know if I could carry on. She thinks I’m only having a change of heart down to lockdown and that I was suspecting her with someone else, this partly may be true, but I don’t want to lose her. Also, although she hasn’t cheated on me, the thought this was all done in secret has destroyed me. I’m a total wreck. Please help me

OP,

This from a mans point of view.You f@cked her around,how do you think she felt when you said you don’t want her anymore.
Her biological Clock was ticking and she couldn’t wait or waste anymore years.
TBH she sounds like a saint for hanging around that long and it can’t have been easy for her.
You need to own your shit,it’s all about you from your posts.
I really don’t think you want her,let the woman be happy.
If I’ve learnt one thing about love is that the woman’s happiness above all else is what matters.
You’ll find someone else but let her try with someone who might be better for fir her than you.
Your still 35 plenty of time but I don’t think you actually love her as how could you have treated her this way fir so long

@Sunshinedu

OP,

This from a mans point of view.You f@cked her around,how do you think she felt when you said you don’t want her anymore.
Her biological Clock was ticking and she couldn’t wait or waste anymore years.
TBH she sounds like a saint for hanging around that long and it can’t have been easy for her.
You need to own your shit,it’s all about you from your posts.
I really don’t think you want her,let the woman be happy.
If I’ve learnt one thing about love is that the woman’s happiness above all else is what matters.
You’ll find someone else but let her try with someone who might be better for fir her than you.
Your still 35 plenty of time but I don’t think you actually love her as how could you have treated her this way fir so long

I totally agree about the woman’s happiness is what matters and I’ve always said this to her. I’ve always loved her and known she loves me, worships me Infact, but im always asking her if she’s happy and she says yes. Because all I want is for her to be happy

Nice to see the men haters on the thread

I didn't have much sympathy in the first place. This is where the shred that there was left. You are a selfish git who thinks that by dangling something she wants in front of her you can continue to control and manipulate her. You don't want to make her happy. You want to make you happy. The problem is that nothing will make you happy. You've had someone dangling, being everything you wanted them to be for fourteen years. And now that they have woken up to the fact that you don't make them happy, you are trying to put the genie back in the bottle. I really hope she doesn't fall for this crap.

Because all I want is for her to be happy

Apart from the last two years, and when you broke it off with her

The trouble is that you might now be saying 'I've always loved you, I want to marry you and have babies with you,' but what she is hearing - and will carry on hearing in the back of her head like an echo, every time something goes wrong is 'I haven't been happy for a long time and can't go on any longer.'

That sort of thing sticks in the memory. You can't take it back. Even if she does agree to try again, those words will ring like a bell whenever you have the smallest disagreement.

It's broken. You can't fix it, however much you want to. Let her go.

Sorry OP I think your lying to yourself and her,your afraid to lose her but don’t love her as if you did you would have been married in 2015 and most likely with child by now.
The fact you say she worships you is worrying,this is a controlling red flag.There should be mutual respect and love not worshipping by any party.
It’s tough on you man,you need to own the fact your decisions caused this and she’s been great to hang with you this long.
Sometimes people come into our lives as visitors,friends or to stay.
Take from this tough lesson,griene the relationship is over and move on.
At least you know u want a child and marriage but it should not be with this lady.
Be honest with her and let her go

then love her enough to let her go

@sunshinedu I totally agree. Everything is about the OP. I wasn't happy, I've changed my mind, I want a baby and to marry her, i don't know how I'll live without her, I've always loved her, me me me.

He didn't think he loved her in January when he dumped her, but sudden he does again and is rewriting the past by saying he 'always' has.

Now he's changed his mind he's confused as to why she's not jumping on board with the sudden marraige and babies idea.

I suspect he realised she was pulling away when she meet the other guy, even if he wasn't aware of the reason. And pow he wants her back. Interesting to know if his marraige and baby idea appeared before or after finding out about other guy.

Very little about him breaking her heart, how she felt about it, how she's felt living with her ex for months, how's she's dealing with the sudden 180. Just his bewilderment that she's not jumping into his arms with joy at his decision that he's changed his mind and his huge romantic gestures and promises of undying love.

@Moondust001

Nice to see the men haters on the thread

I didn't have much sympathy in the first place. This is where the shred that there was left. You are a selfish git who thinks that by dangling something she wants in front of her you can continue to control and manipulate her. You don't want to make her happy. You want to make you happy. The problem is that nothing will make you happy. You've had someone dangling, being everything you wanted them to be for fourteen years. And now that they have woken up to the fact that you don't make them happy, you are trying to put the genie back in the bottle. I really hope she doesn't fall for this crap.

Yes 14 years, a lot of this time we were kids in our 20’s having fun and going on holiday, festivals etc. I have never controlled or manipulated her actually, far from it, you don’t know me personally so don’t accuse me of that.

I’ve come here for help and advice as I’ve messed up the relationship I’ve been in all my adult life and want to fix it for both of us.

@thingsdogetbetter. You are right on point,I think when you’ve got a good woman like that you don’t do this to them.
She seems to be in the background without a say and it’s all about the OP,sorry man but I believe this to be the assumption from your posts.
If you love her set her free it’s that simple.
How could you break her heart,string her along for years and the moment she is happy again you want to take that from her.
It’s very selfish IMO and this time should be best spent to figure out who you are and let her have a chance without someone who genuinely wants her.

I think the day this poor woman met you was probably the most disastrous in her life.

You selfishly only want her when someone else does. If she stayed with you you would revert to type as soon as the threat of someone else was gone.

Twice in this thread you have alluded to not being able to live without her. Seem to me you're thinking of guilting her in to staying because otherwise you'll have to do yourself in. Dont you fucking dare.

Go get yourself a decent therapist and find out why you've treated someone you supposedly love with such disrespect. For FOURTEEN fucking years.

I’ve messed up the relationship I’ve been in all my adult life and want to fix it for both of us

You can't. It's too late. You can't fix it for both of you, both of you could fix it for both of you, but she doesn't want to. She's moved on.

Time for you to move on too.

You haven't been happy for a long time. You haven't been sure of you want to marry her or have children with her. She knows how you feel. Someone is now showing an interest in her which will feel nice for her. I think the relationship might have over run its course.

now I feel I’m ready to grow up and have a family with her

Unfortunately it's too late isn't it? Nobody owes anyone a relationship, and whatever the reasons you've been struggling she's clearly decided she no longer wants you

FWIW I think she was wrong to get involved with someone else while still with you - it would have been better to make the break first - but the end result's the same. A mad rush would be equally unwise, but in future relationship's it's worth remembering that few women will hang around for 15 years, waiting for the "prize" of you making your mind up

not knowing if I want to get married or have kids with her

Kids are really hard work...and really hard on a relationship. Even the strongest couples end up hating each other a little bit. I get on well with my husband, but looking back it was unfortunate that the man I married was/is a complete workaholic who spent the first two years of our son's life getting home between 11pm and 2am and far too tired to help with night feeds/wakings, even when I was screaming at him, baby in hand, to just "give me a #$&@$# break for 5 minutes!" Eventually, our son started sleeping through the night and things became easier. Although we're contemplating number two, but at least forewarned is forearmed....

I wasn't a very nice person at that time. Neither was my husband. There were many times when we disliked each other intensely and sleep deprivation turned us into quite unpleasant people. However, our issues aside (and we do still have a few - I still blame him for not being there for me, although I'm trying to get past this), we were and are absolutely committed to us as a family and to supporting our child and any future children. There has never been anyone else in the picture for either of us.

Don't have children with this poor woman. You don't sound committed enough to her to deal with and share equally the messiness and stress that is parenting. There is a good chance you will get bored/fed up during the first few difficult years and leave her an impoverished single mum trying to deal with the fallout.

Op how did you manage to drag an engagement on for 6years.
I am shocked she didn’t leave you before and really think you got comfortable,lazy and the relationship was all about you and your happiness.
Man up here and take responsibility.None of us are perfect,you should ha e seen this coming but just didn’t care enough to make it right,now you do when she’s left you and slept with another guy.
Don’t keep her waiting to choose,make the fucking decision fir her and tell her you e ducked up but fir her to move on and your grateful she put up with your mind games for so long.
I really feel sorry for her and I know your hurting but yours is an ego dent not a soul crush she has felt.

Nice to see the men haters on the thread

😂 no just honest women that don't put up with shit like your poor "fiancée"

Think yourself lucky she stayed so long because you're no catch clearly

If she "chooses" you, the novelty of you "winning" will soon wear off. Whatever was missing before will be missing still, and the cycle will start all over again.

You'd be denying both of you the chance to move on & find a better, functioning relationships. Stop wasting both your time, and call it quits.

If she "chooses" you, the novelty of you "winning" will soon wear off. Whatever was missing before will be missing still, and the cycle will start all over again

Yes, that's a very valid point. It's noticeable that all this frantic worry about "losing her" is very recent and obviously didn't matter when OP was comfortable with dragging things out endlessly

And if she was foolish enough to continue the relationship, it would probably cease to matter again

If someone hurts a person by saying they don't want to be with them, even if the rejecter later backtracks, the person who's been rejected can sometimes to some extent start to feel detached from the situation/person that hurt them.

You had told her you didn't want to be with her effectively, so she acted accordingly and tried to move on with her life.

Also with the 14 years with no marriage you had already proven a timewaster. Then came the cherry on the cake of you rejecting her after all that time.

I'm not saying that you should marry her now- that'd obviously be a mistake as you often aren't sure about it.

Luckily for you, there's less of a 'deadline' for men to start a family, though their fertility declines with age.

Next time if you're into someone then show it, if you're not then get out and stop wasting their time. She has wasted her youth on someone who then rejected her. That's very sad.

4 weeks ago she admitted (after I quizzed her) that she’s been sleeping with someone and confirmed they are an item since March just before lockdown.

What on earth made you think you had the right to 'quiz her' about whether or not she's in a relationship? Her private life has absolutely nothing to do with you.

She's moved on and you should do the same. Perhaps continuing to live together is not such a good idea.

I think you are possible being a bit harsh Mn jury (women AND men)?

It is possible to have an epiphany and realise you've fucked up and genuinely want to do something about it isnt it?

I’ve always loved her and still do

Erm, you dumped her.

Believe it or not but trust is still very much there from both parties, it always has been.

She would be a fool to trust you when you've proven you wanted to keep your options open all this time, and even dumped her.

Nice to see the men haters on the thread

If you have this attitude you should've posted on some sort of men's forum as you aren't open to women's perspectives.

I totally agree about the woman’s happiness is what matters and I’ve always said this to her.

Erm, no, you didn't, you dumped her.

I’ve always loved her

No, you dumped her.

Because all I want is for her to be happy

That is just a complete and utter lie. It's fine that you have your own wishes and needs- we aren't made just for the purpose of making another person to be happy. You wanted something else, you had your own wants and needs that you didn't feel were being met. That was unpleasant enough for her, but don't lie to us and say that making her happy is your only goal in life.

I don't think you believe that I think it's a blatant lie to try and impress us, but if you really do think you only have her happiness at heart, there's something really wrong with you as you're so clearly out for your own happiness at least some of the time (which is fine, just don't pretend otherwise to others or yourself.)

If she was my friend I’d be telling her to run for the hills. A flaky man-child with mental issues is not a good bet, especially if he’s only decided he wants you because someone else does.

I feel like because she worshipped you so much, you mistakenly assumed she would always be there for you to go back to. At the very least it’s shocked you she could move on already.

You keep saying things like how you’ve always loved her & want her to be happy etc... they are just words, platitudes... you broke up with her, so at that time you were no longer in love or ‘lived for her happiness’....

I get the feeling you broke up to see what was out there & have now realised dating/being single is not as fun as expected & missing being ‘worshipped’.

To say she worshipped you sounds like you thought you were irreplaceable. Turns out you’re not.