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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Massive Advice Needed

127 replies

Toedipper · 31/05/2020 23:41

Hi, first time poster. I’ve been with my fiancé for 14 years, had a bad past 2 years (all down to me) not knowing if I want to get married or have kids with her. We were at a wedding before Xmas and I knew I wasn’t happy and in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer. Anyway, we’ve been living together during all this and 4 weeks ago she admitted (after I quizzed her) that she’s been sleeping with someone and confirmed they are an item since March just before lockdown. My world has been turned upside down since this news. I was trying to make amends when lockdown started and was having second thoughts about us splitting up. She has now told this new guy to back off while she decides what she wants (me or him basically) I’m 35 and want to have kids, the thought of her going off with this new guy is making me so low I don’t know if I could carry on. She thinks I’m only having a change of heart down to lockdown and that I was suspecting her with someone else, this partly may be true, but I don’t want to lose her. Also, although she hasn’t cheated on me, the thought this was all done in secret has destroyed me. I’m a total wreck. Please help me

OP posts:

PepeSkunk · 01/06/2020 07:54

Well, you aren’t young any more.

Bananasplitlady · 01/06/2020 07:56

She has no reason to believe anything would change, if you wanted to change that badly, you would have done so before. You have kept her dangling for over a decade and now she has a chance of being happy with someone else, you claim will up your game. You had your chance and totally fucked it up (at some great length).

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 01/06/2020 07:59

I wouldn't want to marry you after all that. Seems it's been all about you for years and she's finally had enough. Now she's making her own future you are trying to drag her back into what sounds like a very one sided relationship.

Let her go with some grace. You owe her that.

CatandtheFiddle · 01/06/2020 08:02

in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer

You are a dog in the manger. Piss or get off the pot.

After fourteen years you told her you wanted to break up. She started seeing someone else. You now want her back.

Coward.

Original poster

Toedipper · 01/06/2020 08:03

@Dollyrocket

OP it doesn’t really sound like you’re accepting any of he advice given here...

It’s hard to read. I accept a lot of it, a lot of it is harsh as nobody knows me/us personally, but I knew this would be the general reaction.

I can’t make up for the past, I’ve always tried to make her happy. She did say to me in the past she wasn’t bothered about marriage and kids, as long as she had me. Then it turns out she really does want a kid, she didn’t tell me this though until recently, and I’d love nothing more for us to have one now.

All I can do is make things right from today.

OP posts:

Original poster

Toedipper · 01/06/2020 08:05

@CatandtheFiddle

in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer

You are a dog in the manger. Piss or get off the pot.

After fourteen years you told her you wanted to break up. She started seeing someone else. You now want her back.

Coward.

I didn’t know she was with someone else when I “decided I wanted her back”

Thanks for the coward insult though.

OP posts:

category12 · 01/06/2020 08:10

But it's only because she's got someone else, and you haven't, that you want all this.

Your safety net of her loving you and being there for you has been taken away.

But if you really loved her, you wouldn't have ended things and dicked her around. You'll find you're back to where you were, if you get her back.

Find someone you're genuinely in love with and sure about to have children and marriage.

It's cruel to mess this woman about out of your own fear and ego. And it won't make you happy.

Don't be a dick. Be brave and let her go.

TinyPigeon · 01/06/2020 08:10

Make things right from today

Mate, if you wanted to change you'd have done it already. You're lying to yourself, and her, about what it is you are capable of.

WannaBeMonica · 01/06/2020 08:13

Why do you suddenly want to "have a kid" so badly? The last thing any child needs is a father who is too selfish to put his own needs before anyone else's. Stop trying to reel her back in and give the poor woman a chance to be happy.

Bertyb7 · 01/06/2020 08:14

To be honest, forgetting that she has moved on now, I wouldn't be able to marry someone who told me that they had been unhappy for a while and couldn't go on anymore without giving specific reasons and then changed their mind. I was with my husband for 14 years in total before we got married too and I think if he had said something like that it would have totally changed the secure and caring bond we had/have and put a dark cloud over our wedding and our lives. They are serious words which have serious consequences. Sounds like you had a lot of making up/ back peddling to do if you wanted to keep her and didn't make the effort for a while so she has rightly moved on. She isn't an object you can just pick up and put down when you feel like it. No harm in trying to back peddle now if you are sure that you were wrong when you thought you didn't want her before and will give her the non game playing life she deserves because you really do love her (with or without kids because that won't fix everything!)

TwentyViginti · 01/06/2020 08:16

You now want a child with her to mark your territory.

Igtg · 01/06/2020 08:20

You can change from today yes but on your own. I don’t think it’s fair for you to try to win her back and convince her to be with you. You have treated her cruelly.

Original poster

Toedipper · 01/06/2020 08:39

Again I agree with a lot of what is being said, but I’ve always loved her and still do, so why not make us both happy and get married and have a family? Believe it or not but trust is still very much there from both parties, it always has been.

This isn’t a toxic, controlling relationship that is being made out by some posters.

OP posts:

Techway · 01/06/2020 08:39

You can love someone but that doesn't mean it is right.

I think if it was the right relationship you and her would have made a commitment sond years ago.

She is ahead of you in the break up and probadly had her heartache several months ago. You will feel sad, have a bruised ego and miss her but I don't think this is right for you.

I suspect if you stayed together you will be having regrets in a few years.

IndieTara · 01/06/2020 08:39

OP everybody on here is telling you the truth and giving you the advice you asked for. You might not like it but that doesn't make everybody wrong and you right.
Do the right thing and let her go gracefully

AnyFucker · 01/06/2020 08:47

Suck it up, buttercup

bigfootfred · 01/06/2020 08:50

Is no body else thinking that a baby won't fix this?!

I had a friend who's husband told her he didn't love her anymore and they muddled along split up twice she kept feeling guilty cause they have kids and tried again but if it's only for the kids it won't work. They are now getting a divorce.

I think maybe some time on your own to reflect on things and sort yourself out is in order. You're lucky she stayed around as long as she did after you told her you weren't happy and didn't think you wanted to get married

Daisydoesnt · 01/06/2020 08:52

You now want a child with her to mark your territory.

OP - being totally honest - is there any truth in the above statement from a previous poster?

It sounds to me that you have swung a complete 180 degrees from not being sure and not being happy, to wanting to have a family & settle down. Your ex must be thinking, why now, after 14 years are you suddenly so keen?!

It sounds very much to me like you are holding out the offer to have a baby as some kind of prize to woo her back.

I suspect your ex is a lot more switched than you think and can see your about-face for what it is: sweet words to win her back but not words that can be trusted.

dottiedodah · 01/06/2020 08:55

Well if you had been together for 14 years, and not felt the need to marry her or have DC together ,then I dont think this is the right relationship for either of you .Relationships usually have to go somewhere ,and waiting around for 14 years is plainly not on .If she is a similar age, then she is probably aware of her biological clock ticking away . I would let her go to this guy and start afresh .

sammylady37 · 01/06/2020 08:58

To answer your question op, apparently you loving her wasn’t enough for you to decide you wanted to marry her and have a child with her all these years, so why should it suddenly be enough now?

I don’t blame her for one second.

category12 · 01/06/2020 09:00

I’ve always loved her and still do, so why not make us both happy and get married and have a family?

Because a couple of months ago, you were all I don't know what I want, I'm not happy, we're breaking up, blah blah.

Nothing has changed except she demonstrated she can move on without you. Whatever problems you have, are still there.

If you're serious, marry her first before trying to get her up the duff, because if you're just after getting her pregnant, that's about trying to trap her. And more selfishness from you.

ObserverH · 01/06/2020 09:03

Has anybody mentioned the fact he calls himself toedipper? Sounds as if he is reluctant to commit.

Sparklfairy · 01/06/2020 09:09

It sounds to me that you have swung a complete 180 degrees from not being sure and not being happy, to wanting to have a family & settle down

This. Sounds very like you only want a baby to tie her to you forever. Children are not pawns to be used to manipulate and control people.

Neveranynamesleft · 01/06/2020 09:10

You keep saying you can make things right from today. That comes across as you know you have messed up big time, you will change be a nicer person and suddenly everything in the world will be rosy.
Well your world will only be rosy if she wants it to be and comes back to you. Trying to convince us you are sorry and you will change and everything will be different to how it was before isnt going to make her change her mind. Only she can do that.
You told her you didnt want her, she goes and finds someone else then you say well actually I've changed my mind so come back now. You seem to be questioning why she hasnt come rushing back into your open arms. Shes moved on and you dont like it.
As the saying goes ' you dont know what you've got till it's gone '.

Sparklfairy · 01/06/2020 09:11

And for someone who admits they're selfish, in her shoes I would have no doubt you would up and leave her as a single mum when the going gets tough.

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