Massive Advice Needed

[Toedipper]

Hi, first time poster. I’ve been with my fiancé for 14 years, had a bad past 2 years (all down to me) not knowing if I want to get married or have kids with her. We were at a wedding before Xmas and I knew I wasn’t happy and in the new year I told her I’ve been unhappy for a long time (she already knew I wasn’t) and I couldn’t go on any longer. Anyway, we’ve been living together during all this and 4 weeks ago she admitted (after I quizzed her) that she’s been sleeping with someone and confirmed they are an item since March just before lockdown. My world has been turned upside down since this news. I was trying to make amends when lockdown started and was having second thoughts about us splitting up. She has now told this new guy to back off while she decides what she wants (me or him basically) I’m 35 and want to have kids, the thought of her going off with this new guy is making me so low I don’t know if I could carry on. She thinks I’m only having a change of heart down to lockdown and that I was suspecting her with someone else, this partly may be true, but I don’t want to lose her. Also, although she hasn’t cheated on me, the thought this was all done in secret has destroyed me. I’m a total wreck. Please help me

I didn’t know she’d met someone else, she told me this after we sat down and I told her I want to try again and give her everything she wants.

I will bet my bottom dollar you would've subconsciously sensed that she was happier, more self confident at feeling desired and less emotionally reliant on you due to meeting her new partner, which made her desirable to you again. All you've done is make her feel unloved.

You say you were unhappy for a long time. What's suddenly changed? Don't just say you've only just realised what you've lost, when all you've lost is years of unhappiness by your own account?

OP. I stand by my previous post but it sounds like she is considering rekindling so all I can do is ask you to listen.

Give her your all. Properly this time. Work every day to make up for the crap you've given her- worship and cherish her so she can feel as relaxed and complacent as you have been.

Start that family, get married- if thats what she still wants. And go all in. Do it now. No more delays or wasting her time.

But BE SURE. Parenting is fucking hard and it is not ok for you to waste years of her life, finally buck up your ideas only to realise parenting can be pretty shitty sometimes and let her do the lions share- or worse, up and leave her a single mother.

If you are ready to start again, you are denying her the chance to start again with someone willing to give her their all and be a true partnership. Don't let her down

*. All I want to do is put things right and make her happy as she’s been a massive part of my life.
*
OP when will you realise you can't just make a person be happy? Also you cannot make things right for her.

You can put things right for you and make yourself happy but the scenario that works for you doesn't work for her.

And 'been' is past tense she is not your present or your future. I repeat, let her go gracefully

OP, let's try a different tack. You got together when you were (both?) 20 as I'm assuming you are both the same or similar age and then spent 8 years being boyfriend and girlfriend before you asked her to marry you when you were 28/29. So kudos for not rushing into marriage/babies when you were both very young and enjoying your 20s. It seems you got engaged at a decent age but then things stalled.

Can you explain why neither of you set a date and made plans for a wedding?

Before you answer, remember that a registry office doesn't cost a lot of money and many strong, last lasting marriages don't need an expensive wedding at the outset.

From personal experience, a friend of mine met a bloke, got engaged, married, had 2DC and then got divorced all within 6 years so I'm at a bit of a loss as to why an engagement should take the same amount of time.

Whilst an 8 year wait for a proposal means your fiancee has the patience of a saint, a 6 year engagement rings alarm bells

@MinteeFresh

I think you are possible being a bit harsh Mn jury (women AND men)?

It is possible to have an epiphany and realise you've fucked up and genuinely want to do something about it isnt it?

Yes, of course.

But only if the fuckee is willing to go along with it and also desperately wants it to work.

Which doesn't sound like the case here.

Besides 'I haven't been happy for a long time and I'm leaving you' is a pretty final-type of fuck-up. Most women wouldn't want to work on a relationship that had that as a back-note.

@geordiema77

OP, let's try a different tack. You got together when you were (both?) 20 as I'm assuming you are both the same or similar age and then spent 8 years being boyfriend and girlfriend before you asked her to marry you when you were 28/29. So kudos for not rushing into marriage/babies when you were both very young and enjoying your 20s. It seems you got engaged at a decent age but then things stalled.

Can you explain why neither of you set a date and made plans for a wedding?

Before you answer, remember that a registry office doesn't cost a lot of money and many strong, last lasting marriages don't need an expensive wedding at the outset.

From personal experience, a friend of mine met a bloke, got engaged, married, had 2DC and then got divorced all within 6 years so I'm at a bit of a loss as to why an engagement should take the same amount of time.

Whilst an 8 year wait for a proposal means your fiancee has the patience of a saint, a 6 year engagement rings alarm bells

Bang on with a lot of it. Theres a few reasons the wedding hasn’t happened which I won’t go into now, but it’s nothing to do with my love for her. I’ve said now that I want us to do it and then start a family. She does have the patience of a saint, and also she said to me she wasn’t bothered about a wedding, or kids! But now she is, which is what I want.

I do desperately want to sort it out. I’ve repeatedly stated this. And maybe she knows more about me than anyone else and knows I regret everything that has happened and the issues I’ve had in my life (not fully blaming this btw)

OP, you haven't answered my direct question about setting a date and planning for a wedding. You've deflected attention away from it.

We are judging you, rightly or wrongly, on your actions or lack of. If you have proposed then what stopped you from organising your wedding?

Why did you propose in the first place? Was she wavering about leaving you 6 years ago so you did it because that's what you thought you should do?

Is she on Mumsnet, op ?

@Toedipper

I do desperately want to sort it out. I’ve repeatedly stated this. And maybe she knows more about me than anyone else and knows I regret everything that has happened and the issues I’ve had in my life (not fully blaming this btw)

But that's just it. YOU desperately want to sort it out.

If she doesn't, then there's nothing you can do. You can't hypnotise her into wanting to stay with you. If she's out, she's out, no matter how much you WANT things to be different.

Basic upshot is, it's not all about you.

@geordiema77

OP, you haven't answered my direct question about setting a date and planning for a wedding. You've deflected attention away from it.

We are judging you, rightly or wrongly, on your actions or lack of. If you have proposed then what stopped you from organising your wedding?

Why did you propose in the first place? Was she wavering about leaving you 6 years ago so you did it because that's what you thought you should do?

We just both wernt bothered about it, she said she didn’t want a big fuss and it just got forgot about really. We used to talk about doing it one day but it was never a big deal for us, we get on so well and never fall out really so it genuinely wasn’t an issue.

No she isn’t on here, I’ve only just joined last night.

Yes, I want to sort it out because it’s ME who’s fucked everything up. If she doesn’t want me anymore then fair enough I can’t change that.

You have been together for a very long time. If you have been living together it has been like a marriage. Speak to her, be honest about your feelings and give her space to think about it all. She may be excited to be with someone new but she may be still love you. She probably was ok not having kids but now the biological clock may be ticking. Be kind and honour your words if she decides to be with you.

I wish you both the best.

What on earth made you think you had the right to 'quiz her' about whether or not she's in a relationship?

They're still living together as a couple aren't they?

This has probably already been said but you e been with her for 14 years and engaged for 6 and you told her you didn't want her anymore? I'd be long gone. You're wasting her life.
Are you sure the only reason you want her back now isn't because she's met someone else?

@Notejode

You have been together for a very long time. If you have been living together it has been like a marriage. Speak to her, be honest about your feelings and give her space to think about it all. She may be excited to be with someone new but she may be still love you. She probably was ok not having kids but now the biological clock may be ticking. Be kind and honour your words if she decides to be with you.

I wish you both the best.

Thanks. We’ve spoke a lot, even before she told me about the new relationship which floored me, I had no idea. she’s admitted her body clock was worrying her, something she has never spoke to me about before until now. Which is why I want to give it another go so much

@RadishesAndLentils

What on earth made you think you had the right to 'quiz her' about whether or not she's in a relationship?

They're still living together as a couple aren't they?

Yeah, this is what hurts me most about it, she hasn’t cheated but it’s all been behind my back.

@PainintheholeSIL

This has probably already been said but you e been with her for 14 years and engaged for 6 and you told her you didn't want her anymore? I'd be long gone. You're wasting her life. Are you sure the only reason you want her back now isn't because she's met someone else?

This has been mentioned a lot, and part of it may be true, you don’t know what you’ve lost till it’s gone. But I didn’t know about the new relationship until recently, after I said I wanted to try again and give her everything she wants

I can pick up my favourite mug then drop it on the floor where it smashes into many pieces.

I can be gutted, ever so sorry, wish I had been more careful, wish I had appreciated my favourite mug. Tough. It is still broken.

That's the trust in your relationship.

When you dumped her you smashed it to smithereens. Nothing can bring it back.

If you love her, make it as easy as possible to break up. Don't put it on her shoulders to do all the emotional work of dumping you. That's extra selfish of you. Pack up and ship out.

after I said I wanted to try again and give her everything she wants

But really, is it what you want? Why so suddenly do you want to do all this? After 14 years of dithering.

My ex was desperate to keep me and suggested we have (another in our case) baby, as he knew I'd wanted another. But he didn't really want to, he was just saying anything to try to hold onto me. (Fortunately things were too far gone for me to agree to that).

I think it's a huge mistake for everybody if you don't genuinely want children with her.

Haha do her a favour and give her new relationship your blessing. Good luck to her.

OP you keep contradicting yourself. You said neither of you were bothered about marriage or kids but apparently she was. What kind of relationship do you think you had where the woman you've been with for all your adult life cannot tell you that she wants one of the most important things in life?

I tell you what kind of relationship and that's one where she has never been sure of your feelings and hasn't wanted to scare you off. Except when you dropped that bombshell that confirmed her suspicions and probably her feelings switched off and she swiftly found someone else.

And ftr I am not a man hater and told a good friend of mine to piss or get off the pot about a guy that absolutely adores her but who she knows she doesn't have those feelings for. It isn't fair to play with someone's feelings and especially not in a way that stops them being available to someone who will make them happy and want them.

So, please, you're a grown up now so you need to stop being so pathetic.

OP I think you need to have a long think about this.

Your ex gave you the most fertile & marriageable years of her life. She will find it a challenge to re-couple and start a family - it's the sort of thing a woman needs to have a supportive and non-dickish parter to do - in her late 20s early 30s. You pretty much stole part of her youth.

You need to take responsibility for your decision and your feelings. You told her in January you wanted to end things. Stop whining, and grow up.

It makes me angry to read the way that men weasel around like this. Then women get the blame for being "selfish", for not getting on with having children when they can, for seeking to try to get pregnant "too late."

Very few people look at the men who put women in this position - the spoilt Peter Pans who don't own their feelings, or are too immature (in their mid-30s!!!!) to really be brave & make a commitment.

To call you a coward is not an insult - it's a description.

I totally agree about the woman’s happiness is what matters and I’ve always said this to her. I’ve always loved her and known she loves me, worships me Infact, but im always asking her if she’s happy and she says yes. Because all I want is for her to be happy

I think if you're really honest with yourself (and us) you knew she "worshipped" you and so you never thought she would be the one to end it.

You ended it then I assume the reason you wanted to "quiz" her about her seeing other people was because she had managed to emotionally distance herself from you and become more self confident after you broke up with her.

So when you decided you wanted her back, you were floored that she didn't go back to worshipping you and jump into your arms.

It's just too little, too late.

Sometimes love isn't enough.

If you love her let her go and learn from this that making everything about you and wanting everything on your terms doesn't work out in the end.

You say "all I want is for her to be happy" but this seems to be a revelation you've had since 2/3 months ago (when you found out she was moving on). Why would she (or anyone) be able to believe your words of 2/3 months versus your actions of 14 years?

Stop being selfish and let her go. If she wanted to get back together she would, she's trying to be kind and probably feels bad because you're making out you won't be able to cope without her etc.

Stop all that. She knows how you feel. Telling her over and over is unnecessary pressure and it's unfair. She knows. She just doesn't feel the same.

Yeah, this is what hurts me most about it, she hasn’t cheated but it’s all been behind my back

Boo hoo. Maybe his duck is bigger.

You were planning to leave her behind her back. For two years.

She got together with someone else after you dumped her. That she didn't give you a blow by blow account is normal for people who have split up.

You don't have a leg to stand on with talk of her doing stuff behind your back.