Coming to terms with celibacy?

[Rockandahardplaice]

Our sex life is at an end. My wife is no longer comfortable with kissing, intimate touching or sex. She claims she still loves me, and that it is nothing personal - it's just she has no desire at all for intimacy. She still wants to cuddle and hold hands. As a result, we have agreed to no longer try to have sex. I still love her, and very much feel desire for her.

We agonised for a long time over opening the marriage up, but my wife has expressed that, while she would tolerate it, doing so would cause her great distress. I can't do that to her. Her therapist agrees that our marriage would probably not survive being open.

Her therapist also suggested that, given time, I might adapt to a non-sexual marriage, and to appreciate all the good things we have (family time with the children, for a start). I don't see how I can ever truly be happy in a relationship in which my partner is averse to kissing, touching and sex.

But I'm starting to question whether that makes me a bad person. Has anyone any positive experiences about accepting their sex life is over, but nonetheless going on to enjoy their marriage without significant distress?

I just really need to hear it's possible!!

Sex is a hugely important part of most functional relationships. You're not a bad person for needing it in a partnership.

I'd be interested to know what's going on with your wife. Is she on any medications? Health issues? Mental health issues? Did she ever enjoy sex?

Personally, i don't see how this relationship could survive. Its very sad, and no one is really at fault - she shouldn't have to have sex she doesn't want, and you shouldn't have to be in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, but this does mean you're no longer compatible.

My husband's sex drive has always been far, far lower than mine. It's a bit of a miracle we ever had our child! A couple of years ago, I told him that I wouldn't be trying it on with him again because a) I was sick of the rejection and b) I didn't want him to feel pressurised in to sex. We've dtd 2 or 3 times since then.

I just make the most of the nice times we have as a family and take care of my other needs myself, if you know what I mean.

This doesn't seem fair to you. I think you need to consider leaving the marriage or opening it up anyways.

Desire is a key component of the connection in relationships. That's what I think. Desire for each other rather than actually DTD. Due to illness it has been a while since me and oh were intimate but that inner desire for one another, the flame of connection is as strong as ever.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow

The "reasons" are far from clear. We've had loads of sex therapy over the past 7 years, and no one has ever been able to get to the bottom of it. I doubt there is any mileage in trying to get our sex life back on track now.

@KellyHall

It sounds like you are able to not take it personally that your husband doesn't want sex with you much. Is that right? I guess my differences are that we did used to have a decent sex life, and that for various reasons I find it impossible not to take personally. Are you intimate in other ways - do you kiss for example? We don't do anything beyond holding hands and cuddling.

Unless there is a medical reason why your wife has stopped wanting sex, I would predict she enjoys the lifestyle you lead & does not want that to end. Fair enough but you can’t then veto opening up the relationship because that would cause her distress. You also have distress at the thought you will never experience romantic intimacy again for the rest of your life. Doesn’t your distress count too?

The therapist sounds like a loon, were they religious based ?? what kind of professional would try to counsel someone to accept that for life? (Again not withstanding a diagnosable medical problem or side effect of medication). But even then I doubt that is the case because she doesn’t even want to kiss you or be physically close with you.

I predict she loves you as you would an old friend. She really probably loves the house / lifestyle you provide.

I may sound harsh but you don’t get to just Unilaterally decide all forms of romantic intimacy are off the table because you aren’t in love with your husband & expect them to remain celibate for life because “marriage vows”.

You describe a lonely sad existence. Likely what will happen is you will find someone else to love & end up leaving her for them down the track, because you’re craving love & will feel touch starved. Someone else will turn your head in time, it’s unrealistic to expect otherwise.

The marriage is dying a slow death. I dare say you will grow to resent her selfishness sooner or later. You sound kind to put her needs first but one day you’re going to realise your need for love is important too.

You've been going through this for 7 years and nothing has changed. I'd cut your losses and move on.

I'm in the same position as @KellyHall. I try not to take it personally but it has had a profound impact on my confidence and even my confidence at work. I have forgotten what a normal relationship with sex is like. We kiss on the lips and cheek and occasionally I get a massage but he is reluctant to do that.

There are solutions to this, eg to find a FWB or to spend time pleasing yourself.

Cut your losses and move on, you don’t need a sibling you need a partner. You can still have a relationship with your children, this set up sounds miserable. You have given her long enough.

If my DH had a medical condition that meant we couldn't have sex (or for sake of argument be intimate) I would not consider leaving him for one moment.
If it was a complete loss of drive I would have to be reassured it wasn't a reflection of something missing in our connection/relationship and than I think I'd be pretty accepting of it because we love each other deeply and our connection as people is great. I would miss the bonding and the pleasure and be aware of societal pressure for married couples to be having sex but I think personally, everything else we had would be more than enough for me to stay and be happy. I'd never consider an open relationship.
If we'd gone through seven years of sex therapy and I was unable to not take his position personally and we'd been round the houses discussing open relationships and things then I think that's a different situation.
Back to your question - I believe I personally could be happy in a sexless marriage, it doesn't sound like you can be while you have the feelings you do about it, which are legitimate feelings to have no matter what your wife's therapist says. If you don't feel you can accept it I think you need to be clear on that, as it sounds like that's what your wife is banking on.

In my opinion your wife is being selfish. She doesn't want to be intimate for whatever reasons, fair enough. But she also doesn't want you to have an open marriage.
So she gets to call the shots on everything? How is that fair to you? You have needs too.
I think, as a previous poster said, she loves your lifestyle and set up but sadly, not you because she is not caring about or considering your needs as all. She likes the benefits of being married without putting any effort in for you.
I think you have a frank discussion with her where you explain that you don't want to be celibate for the rest of your life. You then present her with a choice - she seeks help or she agrees to an open marriage or you leave. Marriage is give and take and from what you've described she's doing all the taking.
Lots of love to you OP. Not an easy position for you to be in because effectively she has forced your hand.

I think the no kissing part may actually be worse of all. That's so sad.

Surely there's no right or wrong way forwards here. You're not unreasonable for wanting sex, she's not unreasonable for not wanting it. After 7 years of sex therapy that's unlikely to change. She's clearly decided she'd rather split up than have sex, so you have 2 choices: split up or live without sex. Neither choice is wrong. It's very sad that that's the choice before you, you're entitled to be sad and wish things were different. But they aren't. Do you want sex or your marriage more?

Have you sought your own individual counselling on the matter?

Her counsellors will always suggest "she's right" in some way, shape, or form because she is the one paying them so they are looking out for her interests.

If you sought your own to discuss this matter you may find you feel less guilty for your own very natural and valid feelings.
You can talk through your options with someone outside the marriage who is putting your well being first.

After all this time trying, you deserve to be heard and to have your feelings taken seriously and to plan for the future accordingly.

I agree with other pps, she likes the status quo. She has probably got the 'ick' but likes the lifestyle. You deserve more.

I don't believe you've had 7 years of therapy and still don't know what her side of the story is.

As for benefits to the marriage for you, no doubt she cooks and cleans for you? @Macaroni46 "puts no effort in"

Just divorce her already OP.

In 7 years of therapy, she must have given some reasons or clues. What are they?

You’re not a bad person. But your sex drives are incompatible. There is post after post on here with mismatched sex drives causing years of misery and crushed self-esteem.

Why is her distress at opening up the marriage more important than your distress in celibacy? I guess age and history may be a factor- if you’ve had two or three decades of compatibility before things wane, and a history of all the shared life that goes with that, it may be that you’re okay with sacrificing intimacy now for comfort and continuity. But if you’re not, that’s okay too. 7 years of sex therapy sounds like you’ve tried really hard to salvage things. Are you sure you still want to be in this marriage?

You are not a bad person based on what you have told us, but your self-worth and agency in your marriage are plummeting. Your wife’s therapist said you ‘might’ adapt. I’d suggest it’s not something you want to adapt to, it sounds as though it makes you feel unloved and perhaps a bit ashamed?
I’m also questioning her commitment to intensive sex therapy that lead nowhere, no breakthroughs at all?
You sound as though you are sad about this loss of an important part of your life and I think your wife should recognise that. She has every right to never have sex again if that’s what she chooses, but she doesn’t have the right to a marriage with you on those terms.

Her hypothetical distress > your actual ongoing distress?

Fuck that.

@LivingThatLockdownLife

Her side of the story isn't static for a start, and there are a wide range of issues which may (or may not) be contributing. We've seen multiple therapists, and none of them has been able to pinpoint one particular issue. The best anyone can do is say "it's probably one or more of... X...Y...Z".

Not sure where the cooking/cleaning thing has come from. She probably does most of the cleaning now (although we had a cleaner before Covid, which we've ditched due to me losing most of my income for now) but I do most of the cooking. And neither of us do it "for the other", we do it because we are a partnership and work together to do what needs doing.

Get your own therapist. Hers is never going to have your interests at heart and you can't expect them to.

Also, do you even know if her therapist said exactly that, or is it second hand information from her?

During what proportion of those seven years (if any!) did you have young children? I ask because I found I got 'touched out' as a parent of infants/toddlers, and our sex life was sporadic a best for a couple of years. It wasn't until the baby was about 2 that my own libido returned, so if you've have three kids say and they are all still young then there's still a chance things will gradually change. Otherwise I think would leave... I prefer being single to being in a marriage where I feel alone.

I also think it’s rather manipulative to allowing you engage in conversation for years about whether or not to have an open relationship (ie keeping the idea of the possibility on the table) and saying you would tolerate it, but how deeply it would hurt you. It’s like some kind of guilt trip.

I’m wondering how years of “agonising” conversations go when she clearly doesn’t want you to be open & you are so clearly putting her needs before your own. How did the conversation even go on for so long unless she was dangling the possibility of it over your head, presumably in order to ensure you wouldn’t leave? You’re less likely to pull the pin if you thought you could eventually resolve to have an open relationship with rules you both agree on.

It sounds to me like she has led you on to keep the meal ticket / gravy train going for so long. Surely someone who knows an open relationship would cause them “great distress” would allow the conversation to keep going for years. That is cruel. She knows she is being unfair but her wants come before yours. It’s clear from your posts you are a loving & devoted husband because your intention of the post is to hear happy celibate stories. She is playing on your kind nature & being quite unkind herself IMO.

@Bythebeach

We've been married 16 years, together 18. Sex life was fine before marriage, problematic after (which also coincided with having kids - we've got three). Things got really bad around 7 years ago, which is when we started therapy. We've had therapy on and off ever since.

I agree with Elspeth, also saying ‘my therapist said’ isn’t genuine - it gives her a secondary role as if she’s just reporting back on something. Is it what she feels? Then she should say it.