Coming to terms with celibacy?

[Rockandahardplaice]

Our sex life is at an end. My wife is no longer comfortable with kissing, intimate touching or sex. She claims she still loves me, and that it is nothing personal - it's just she has no desire at all for intimacy. She still wants to cuddle and hold hands. As a result, we have agreed to no longer try to have sex. I still love her, and very much feel desire for her.

We agonised for a long time over opening the marriage up, but my wife has expressed that, while she would tolerate it, doing so would cause her great distress. I can't do that to her. Her therapist agrees that our marriage would probably not survive being open.

Her therapist also suggested that, given time, I might adapt to a non-sexual marriage, and to appreciate all the good things we have (family time with the children, for a start). I don't see how I can ever truly be happy in a relationship in which my partner is averse to kissing, touching and sex.

But I'm starting to question whether that makes me a bad person. Has anyone any positive experiences about accepting their sex life is over, but nonetheless going on to enjoy their marriage without significant distress?

I just really need to hear it's possible!!

@MonaChopsis

Our youngest child is now 10, oldest 15. We had sex life problems after the first was born, but life was insane with more and more children until the youngest was about 3, which is why it wasn't until 7 years ago that we had therapy regarding the matter.

@vikingwife

The open relationship has only been discussed for the past few months - before that we were still pinning our hopes on our sex life resurrecting (probably ridiculous with hindsight - but wishful thinking and all that). So she hasn't been stringing me along with that possibility, and since we started talking about it she has wavered in both directions.

If I'm honest, I'm not greatly keen on an open relationship myself - I'd far rather just have sex and intimacy with my wife.

She’s not attracted to you anymore and probably won’t admit it because it will be the death toll on your relationship and doesn’t want to lose financially security or the trappings that come with married life.

This is now a marriage of convenience.

Is she still in love with you?

How old are you both?

I was with my husband for 29yrs, when I stopped having sex or it became sporadic, over 10yrs, it was because I no longer loved or wanted him.

I left and I'm now with a new partner, sex is 5 times a week.

I think you will find it very hard to live a life without sex, you will spot someone and a relationship will flourish and you will either have an affair or leave your wife for the other lady.

Do it now

Time will tell if you can cope. I managed ok, exh simply wasn't interested (wasn't never just very infrequent) he then left me - I've remembered what I was missing dp is in the same boat, long affectionless marriage

Exactly what spillinteas said. She just doesn't fancy you but doesn't want to end the marriage. A lot of people would discretely look to open up the marriage rather than go through 7 years of therapy. However finding a FWB is much much harder for men than women. I assume that's why a lot of men pay...

It’s quite lovely you would prefer to not be open, but really want the intimacy only with your wife. However from what you say it’s now off the table permanently. So realistically that leaves you with celibacy. Only you know if you can learn to accept this & be content with the other benefits of family life. Because sex & intimacy is a personal thing.

I personally would think after 7 years of therapy we were just “making it work” rather than it actually you know, just working.

I’m in the same boat. I’m not yet 50, I’ve lost lots of weight and work hard to keep myself looking good but my DH just doesn’t seem into me anymore. If I literally shove myself in his face then it might happen but it’s just soul destroying. It feels like he’s just switched off and that translates into not fancying me. It’s broken my self confidence and self esteem and I just feel sad and lonely all the time. He doesn’t want to sleep in the same bed as me either so I’m on my own all the time. I love sex and I love being snuggly with somebody. I’m very touchy feely but I’ve just given up. It makes me feel ugly and not at all interesting. If we didn’t have young kids who I adore, I’d be gone. It’s shit and I sympathise OP. I just want a good old roll in the bed! It shouldn’t be this hard!!

You say ‘we were pinning our hopes’, are you still convinced of that? Is she as upset as you?

There’s no prize waiting for you at the pearly gates for living your life in an unhappy, tormented and increasingly resentful marriage. It’s just over and you don’t get a second try.

Think about it from her point of view also. Odds are that a few years down the line you’d both be far happier. It sounds like you’re in a good position to be amicable over things.

Divorce is this big scary chasm of a thought but nobody dies. There are much worse things that happen to people every day.

I’d start a very discreet affair if I were you OP.

It sounds like you have a great “partnership” with your wife. But not a marriage. And the financial ramifications of a divorce for both of you + DC would be huge.

Find a married woman in the same boat as you. Make it clear you won’t leave your wife, find someone who doesn’t want to leave their husband. Keep it discreet, always use protection, don’t engage in a romantic relationship.

I know a number of people who have been doing this very successfully for a number of years. One for 10 years. They are very happy.

I think this idea that your wife has a problem that you need to get to the bottom of is a red herring.

She needs to take responsibility. Love is an action not a feeling. In a long standing relationship you can't sit around all day waiting to feel super erotic or for a therapist to magically give you an answer and make it all alright and somehow your desire return.

In an argument when you are enraged you can't just wait to feel all ok again. You have to make an effort to make love, or to apologise and rebuild/make up.

That marriage involves intimacy and making love. If she doesn't want that with you then that is her right but she needs to choose that.

I think you need to assert your needs much more. Not in a "have sex with me now!" manner but to say that physical intimacy is very important to you and it is not possible for you to go on like this.

The irony is she'll probably desire you more if you do set a boundary and challenges her right to be completely passive about this and expectation that a solution will be presented to her on a velvet cushion.

I don't think there are a wide range of issues. She needs to make an effort and be a bit open to going a bit outside an immediate comfort zone inn aid of your marriage. I mean there is plenty at stake here worth a bit of a anxiety surely!

If she has totally got the ick and you are actually repulsive to her then that is fine. No one should have to have sex they find disgusting.

But she needs to end the marriage and deal with the consequences if so.

I find it so depressing that people will just leave their partner when they don't want sex any more or they don't get enough sex or the "right" sex. Whatever kind of sex it is it is never enough.
Its saying unless you can swing from the chandeliers for me we can't be together. I'm only with you for your vagina, without that I'm not interested in you as a person and don't value our children and our life together.
I've had a lifetime of being asexual, I feel I'm more than just a vagina - I am a person. A loving, caring, giving person.
At menopause I went from just being asexual to being sex repulsed.
It would be agony for me me to have sex mentally.
My husband of 20 years married me knowing I was 100% asexual and didn't care if I hated sex. had it with me anyway then left after 20 years when I became sex repulsed for someone else.
Didn't stay in touch just walked, never contacted me again.
I'd done so much for him all of that time, no thanks for that just left.
I'll never be with another man again.
I am convinced men just see us as a vagina on legs, and they don't hear anything that comes out of our mouths or understand that we have a brain and needs of our own.
Sex is overated, I don't get why it is such a big deal - it's messy and undignified. You can be more intimate without it.

7 years of therapy is a lot. I think its being used not to do the work that needs doing but to maintain the status quo.

@madcatladyforever but OP isn't asexual. Mutually enjoyable sex is important to him as part of a close, loving relationship, as it is for most people.

Sex defines a relationship, if you are not having it and do not intend to do in future then you are not really in a relationship, you are close friends sharing the same house. In my view it's wrong to deprive your partner of sexual satisfaction on a permanent basis. And arousal is not a requirement, there are other ways. Providing satisfaction is a demonstration of love and commitment to each other and by denying it the OPs DW is completely undermining their relationship.

Agree also that the therapist sounds nuts - they are supposed to get your sex life back on track, not tell you it's over.

I disagree about an affair.

Because affair always always = being the bad guy.

Yes the marriage is living on borrowed time (sorry OP but it really is gasping it's last breath, you are desperately unhappy underneath your stoicism) but that doesn't mean an affair.

If 2 people break up amicably, with no one else involved, it's a one week wonder. "oh I always thought they were happy, guess things weren't as rosy as we thought, eh? "

If he has an exit affair, it's " THE DIRTY BASTARD! After all she did for him! Gave him 3 beautiful kids and this is how he repays her!"

There have been numerous examples on this board. Like the long running saga of The Bastard who fell in love with the OW and left, and I think lived next door or very nearby and they had a business together or something? And so the poor OP had to tolerate all this proximity and ooohhh the handholding on thread after thread (and the demonizing of his every move) went on for months. Everyone seemed to forget that she had ended their sexual relationship 5 years before. Instead he was a cunt who had pulled the rug out from under her. Out of the blue! And had the audacity to be happy and fulfilled with the OW! THE BASTARD!

He actually seemed fairly normal to me. He was a regular guy trying to navigate a post breakup landscape. I suspect he was basically just like you in those 5 years. But she wasn't about to tell their mutual friends about that was she? In her mind it was already irrelevant. Because sex had become irrelevant to her years ago.

So yeah, affairs are never a good idea for anyone, even if one person has unilaterally changed the terms of the marriage. You can end it cleanly, or messily.

I have found this to be very hard reading. Most saying LTB. That doesn't sit well with me.

@Oblomov20 he's deeply unhappy and his needs arent being met, with no prospect for any of that changing. I think leaving is the only chance he has for a happy future, to be honest.

@madcatladyforever

I'm sorry you had such awful experiences.

Of course there is nothing wrong with being asexual. But equally there is nothing wrong with being sexual - I think you are wrong that men see women as vaginas on legs. There may be some men like that, but I honestly think it's the minority.

For those who are not asexual, physical intimacy (not just sexual intercourse per se) is something you have a biological drive for, something which you particularly feel a desire to do with someone you are close to, and something which brings you closer to that person. I don't see that as a bad thing. But unless both parties have that view, it's probably going to be problematic.

You say sex is overrated, and I'm sure you know your own mind and that that's true for you - and as a result you shouldn't be having it. But to generalise the statement as true for everyone else in the world too doesn't seem reasonable - and in fact is demonstrably false.

@madcatladyforever I just want to say thank you for writing that.
I feel exactly the same way.
This thread has been so disheartening to read.

@madcatladyforever

Sex is overated, I don't get why it is such a big deal - it's messy and undignified. You can be more intimate without it.

That's your option. But it's complete BS for me.
In theory when someone has the love glasses on it could be easy to promise the world. But I couldn't ever live without sex.

My husband is not 'just' a penis.
He is an outstanding father, a perfect companion and the best team mate I could've ever hoped for.

But at not yet 30 there is no hope in hell of me going without sex for the rest of my life.
We've both weathered the dry patches when pregnant, or had babies. And now that our last is finally sleeping more we are getting back to it.

It's a need. One that I will not forfeit.

YANBU OP. I would leave.
As PP said. There's no prize for living a miserable life.

I don’t think an affair or an open marriage would work OP, sorry. I think you would very quickly fall in love with anybody you had intimacy with or anyone who showed you sexual interest, this is a real risk. You are very literally starved of affection. It’s kinder to end it.

You need to leave and find someone else to be happy with. If she is happy living an asexual life then surely she’d be happy to be friends and still have family time. Or whatever!! Have a clean break up with no affairs. It will be much fairer all round.

I'm sure you've discussed separation and ultimately divorce. This is probably the best option. And I wouldn't be so sure your wife is asexual. She's lost all sexual desire for you, she's probably got what is called here the "ick" for you. But its possible she could discover desire with a different man.