Coming to terms with celibacy?

[Rockandahardplaice]

Our sex life is at an end. My wife is no longer comfortable with kissing, intimate touching or sex. She claims she still loves me, and that it is nothing personal - it's just she has no desire at all for intimacy. She still wants to cuddle and hold hands. As a result, we have agreed to no longer try to have sex. I still love her, and very much feel desire for her.

We agonised for a long time over opening the marriage up, but my wife has expressed that, while she would tolerate it, doing so would cause her great distress. I can't do that to her. Her therapist agrees that our marriage would probably not survive being open.

Her therapist also suggested that, given time, I might adapt to a non-sexual marriage, and to appreciate all the good things we have (family time with the children, for a start). I don't see how I can ever truly be happy in a relationship in which my partner is averse to kissing, touching and sex.

But I'm starting to question whether that makes me a bad person. Has anyone any positive experiences about accepting their sex life is over, but nonetheless going on to enjoy their marriage without significant distress?

I just really need to hear it's possible!!

@madcatladyforever

Your husband entered your marriage knowing you were asexual, and didn't like sex...he thought he could cope, he couldn't and left.

The OP entered a marriage with a very healthy sex life which was removed, without (I'm my opinion) a good reason and without seemingly wanting to try and resolve the issues.

If an accident or illness had occurred then you would both need to adapt to the new situation.

But you can't just withdraw sex and expect everyone to be happy about it....

"Her therapist also suggested that, given time, I might adapt to a non-sexual marriage,"

And this seems a very strange thing for a therapist to say. Have you heard this from them directly, is it just something you've heard second hand through your wife (as others have suggested)?

This is what 'don't ask don't tell' is all about

Go on a website like illicit encounters. There are women looking for all different kinds of things there. Find the ones who are in a similar position to you - want to stay married, want sex. Start discreetly meeting up.

No therapist would actually use those words.

OP please can you expand on the therapy part. Has this been continual couples therapy or mostly therapy for your wife? Of which you are told second hand what the therapist has said?

I'm shocked people are suggesting the OP have an affair. Terrible suggestion.

The right thing to do would be to end the marriage if he isn't able or willing to tolerate the lack of intimacy, and I don't blame him for that, but don't cheat.

@Scott72

I didn't hear this directly - my wife said something along these lines (not necessarily in those words), but I'm comfortable that she was genuine.

It may have been a throwaway by the therapist - e.g. my wife might have said something like "if I don't agree to an open marriage he's going to leave me", with the therapist countering with "you don't know that, he may become comfortable with your current celibate relationship in time".

Has she gone through menopause? Is it that she doesn't feel desire at all, or it makes her uncomfortable? Does it disgust/anger her? I ask this as these questions are all relevant. I really recommend you have your own therapy for yourself to work out what's next for you.

How old are you op?

Madcat

I can see how it might come across like that and your experiences sound very painful.

You say you're asexual. So of course you see it as a vagina on legs.

But if you're a sexual person it's not about genitalia or orgasm or sexiness although those are a part. It's more about a drive, "libido" in the widest truest definition, which means a desire to connect with and be intimate with another person. It's an adult version of a baby's need for skin to skin contact with mum.

I don't think you understand this and it's a missing piece of a jigsaw for you.

I wouldn't say you are asexual. I'd say you are very out of touch with your libidinal needs, in fact you don't know about them.

For those who say sex is overrated, I would suggest you have not experienced good sex.
Whatever your own feelings towards sex (and more importantly, physical intimacy and closeness) it is not wrong for a person to want a physical relationship. You can be asexual if that is your preference but you don't have the right to impose celibacy on someone else, especially as in the OP's case, where the original relationship did include sex. Yes, circumstances and feelings change, but the OP is entitled to want a sexual and physical relationship and if his wife doesn't want that, as is her right, she does need to accept that that might be the end of the marriage.
OP - cut your losses, leave and find a partner who loves you whole heartedly including physically. You deserve happiness and you staying with your wife is just going to make you miserable.
I've known quite a few couples in my social circle who've been through similar. The partners being denied sex have found new partners and the non sexual ones are happier by themselves.
Those posters expressing sorrow at LTB being the majority advice are no doubt those like your wife, who see nothing wrong in changing the parameters of a relationship from sexually active to non.
Best of luck

@Dollyrocket

You may be right about the words, I was probably paraphrasing my wife's paraphrasing of what was actually said!

Regarding therapy, we've had multiple rounds of couples therapy over the years - some with a sex therapist and some with a relationship counsellor. My wife has also had individual therapy on a long term basis. I had a few months of therapy last year/early this year, but I've had to stop as Covid has wiped out most of my income for now, so I can't afford it. My wife's therapist is very kindly seeing her (well, not seeing her - skyping her) for free at the moment.

Very well put @Greenkit

I don't think anyone needs to spend any more money on therapy! Your dw has been honest with you ... she simply doesn't want to have sex with you any more. It happens in LTR all the time, it"s really not uncommon or unusual.

Therapy isn't going to resolve this, because its probably a normal process she's experiencing. In many women, their sexual desire for their partner naturally decreases over time, eventually to the point where they are unable to even touch him without experiencing discomfort - "the ick".

Like I said, it seems to be a natural process many women experience even when neither partner have done nothing seriously wrong. And of course menopause or perimenopause can complicate things further. In any case, there is nothing to be done except to either accept it or separate.

This relationship sounds like it's over. The resentment is going to start. I'd cut your losses and move on.

Whilst obviously none of us have an understanding of the specific nature of the issue, I think that there is a danger of the situation being overcomplicated.

Your wife obviously can make a choice not to have a sexual relationship with you. You have a choice whether to accept that situation. Her therapist may suggest that you can learn to live with a sexless marriage but you don't have to. Sex is a normal part of a relationship for many people and to be deprived of it is a reasonable ground for leaving a marriage. Whether you decide to take that step is your choice but you don't have to live with that kind of setup if you don't want to.

@Macaroni46 I completely disagree, I’ve had a lot of great sex, but I still think it’s over rated, some people just aren’t that interested in it, doesn’t mean they are having sh*t sex, I orgasm every single time with my fiancée, it’s the best sex I’ve ever had, I still think sex is over rated.

Rockandahardplaice you haven’t answered if your wife still finds you attractive.

She will not want to have sex with you if she doesn’t. So no amount of therapy will be able to solve that

@Elsiebear90 and that's fine - your opinion and your experience. The point is that everyone feels differently. If the OP feels it's overrated and can live without it, fine. If not, he has a decision to make as to whether to stay in the marriage.

I could live with a relationship without sex but not without intimacy. And I would be unhappy without sex but it would be a compromise. The intimacy is more important.

I also think something sounds odd about this therapy and that it is being used to keep things unchanging for year after year.

I think your wife has a powerful ability to get people to act and fit in her needs. It is probably not conscious but still.

You are signing up for a lifetime of celibacy and her therapist is seeing her for free. (PS this is not actually a "kindness" - in most cases it is a blurring of boundaries and a failure to truly think about what the patient needs).

@Rockandahardplaice

I also think that the only solution here where you preserve the marriage while not giving up on your sex life is to find someone in the same situation as you and have a discrete arrangement.

Most people aren’t ready/able to deal with it. Total radical honesty and her knowing you are having sex with someone at a particular moment in time - can be unbearable for most people.
However - something discreet where she is unaware is a lot more humane.

You may be able to adjust to living with no sex - and you have already been living like that for 7 years, so it’s possible. It’s up to you whether or not you want to live this way for the rest of your life.
More likely than not - I think you will become increasingly more unhappy and resentful over time.

If sex is truly the only issue in the relationship and everything else works and you’d like it to continue - then you need to accept the situation as it is. And ‘outsource’ it.
She doesn’t want to have sex. And if you do - it can only happen with someone else.

Sorry but if sex was just about genitals then people would be happy to masturbate and feel perfectly fulfilled and never worry about having intercourse with someone else.

@Spillinteas

I don't know for sure if she finds me attractive. She has told me she does, but she's hardly likely to tell me she finds me grotesque!!

It may well be that she is not sexually attracted to me. In fact, I'm pretty sure she isn't.

Maybe once or twice per year (although not every year, and it's been over a year since the last time I think) she will be clearly attracted to me, and then we do end up having some positive intimacy. But it always fades after a few days at most, entering a new phase of months or years of distance.

@Spotsonmyapples couldn’t agree more. Absolutely no affection would be awful. OP sounds like a lovely man.

@Bumpsadaisie

re: therapy, I'm pretty sure it is standard practice for many therapists to offer, on a temporary basis, therapy at a heavily discounted price or for free in the face of financial hardship. I think it usually depends on whether the therapist thinks you can "cope without" or not.