Coming to terms with celibacy?

[Rockandahardplaice]

Our sex life is at an end. My wife is no longer comfortable with kissing, intimate touching or sex. She claims she still loves me, and that it is nothing personal - it's just she has no desire at all for intimacy. She still wants to cuddle and hold hands. As a result, we have agreed to no longer try to have sex. I still love her, and very much feel desire for her.

We agonised for a long time over opening the marriage up, but my wife has expressed that, while she would tolerate it, doing so would cause her great distress. I can't do that to her. Her therapist agrees that our marriage would probably not survive being open.

Her therapist also suggested that, given time, I might adapt to a non-sexual marriage, and to appreciate all the good things we have (family time with the children, for a start). I don't see how I can ever truly be happy in a relationship in which my partner is averse to kissing, touching and sex.

But I'm starting to question whether that makes me a bad person. Has anyone any positive experiences about accepting their sex life is over, but nonetheless going on to enjoy their marriage without significant distress?

I just really need to hear it's possible!!

@nomoredickheads

I think satisfying your partner is always a positive for a relationship. This does not mean, of course, that sex should be available on demand but I regard satisfying my DW as absolutely crucial, partly because I want her to have the same attitude to me but also because it boosts my ego and demonstrates my skill as a lover. I don't think I would ever describe the process as unpleasant.

Divorce.
The only viable solution.

But how does one have sex s/he doesn’t want?
I mean just reading this thread my anxiety has sky rocketed (my own fault for reading), i just don’t understand how one does it.
And surely the other person would notice (if they cared), their partner wasn’t feeling it.

And also what kind of person wants to have sex with a person who doesn’t want to?
Does that person even love their partner?

@You can stay

Ok this is what often happens with us. We are very busy in the week usually with very early starts for Dh. 4 nights a week he goes to bed before me.

At the weekend we go to bed together. Sex is on the table. Sometimes on a Friday night one of us or both of us is tired and not really feeling in the mood. But we know sex always puts us in a good place together for the weekend.

So I might say I'm not really in the mood I'm tired but ... I might get in the mood ... and I think to myself let's give it a go. 9 times out of 10 I get in the mood and it's great. And the more you have the more you want.

Sometimes DH is not in the mood but he winks and says what the hell I'll take a viagra anyway, then we get down to it and he gets into it.

But we do have a shared presumption that all things being equal we will go for it twice or so over the weekend. Because it makes us happy and is good for us.

If I'm really totally not in the in the mood I will say no but if he is frustrated I will do something nice for him. Half the time that gets me going anyway

A bit like exercise. No one wants to get up at 6.30 and go for a run. But it's good for you and you feel great if you do. So when that alarm goes off you say well I just need to give it a roll and see how it goes. If I get out there and I feel I'm dying I'll walk back home.

You might say what if I have zero sex drive whatsoever, like no amount of giving it a go works. It is still not just "it" forever. But you probably need some good psychoanalytic therapy to recover that part of you that you have lost to such an extent that you are no longer even conscious of it.

Nothing is fixed forever in our sex lives. When my children were small I was not unlike the DW in this post. But my DH did assert his needs without being pushy and I also had some very challenging psychoanalytic therapy which changed and continues to change my life. Bloody hard work and painful though at times.

We are having the best sex of our lives now in fact DH is the one trying to keep up with me. It is like being in love again.

This thread story sounds very familiar .... hmm ...

@bumpsadasie

Exactly. You have to work at your sex life just as you have to work at other aspects of your relationship. And why would you not want to satisfy your DP? I love giving my DW an orgasm and I know she feels the same about me - if she's really not in the mood she will tell me to rub one out rather than leave me frustrated and I usually take up the offer. And sometimes the sight of me getting down to it leads her to change her mind and join in 😉

Take heart, you’re certainly not alone with this dilemma and there’s clearly no easy answer because if there was we wouldn’t be having these discussions and so rather than offer up any prescriptive advice, I’ll just tell you how I went about tackling it and maybe that might be instructive.

We’ve been together for the vast majority of our adult lives, but about 10 years ago in our late thirties, we just stopped being intimate - no touching, kissing or sex. I think it all stems from us having kids relatively early and as a consequence of living far away from our parents, we had very little childcare which put a strain on our relationship, but ironically that very lack of external support was what kept us together - there simply wasn’t an option for either of us to throw in the towel so we just put our backs into it and toiled away like a couple of inmates at a forced labour camp. Superficially it’s paid off and we now have a pretty comfortable life and two lovely grownup kids, but it’s an empty shell marriage.

Anyway, cutting to the chase, the lack of intimacy wasn’t too big a deal for the first few years, we’d still sleep in the same bed, but that was as close as we’d ever get. We’d had some counselling prior to celibacy and had tried to revitalise things, but all the romance had been wrung out of us and any attempts at intimacy just seemed forced, weird and pointless so the tacit agreement was that we’d just give up on that side of the relationship and focus on the kids and work.

It wasn’t so much the lack of sex which got to me, it was the loneliness, the lack of love and romance which just kept gnawing away at me. Cutting a long story short, after about 4 years of being a machine, I thought fuck it and went and met someone online in a not dissimilar situation to myself and had a 7 year affair. We’d only meet up once every other month, but it was enough and wonderful and I felt human again.

This thread demonstrates so wonderfully that actually affairs really aren't as black and white as MN would think

I haven't read all the thread sorry but if I was you I would try and figure out was her desire has gone, it maybe because she no longer fancies you, young children/being exhusted or she is very insecure about body
if it's you then leave you deserve more, other reasons can be worked on but she has try.

You really don't have any option but to end it op.
For the record I think the people blaming your wife are being really harsh. It's possible that having kids has triggered something in your wife she doesn't really understand, or has impacted her hormonally.

The thought of sex absolutely repulsed me for three years after having my daughter. With the benefit of hindsight I believe it was psychological (traumatic birth, abusive partner who left when I was pregnant) but I didn't think it was at the time. I just felt repulsed. She can't help how she feels, but I definitely would leave

Unless the therapy was free, I'd be looking to get my money back after 7 years. You're supposed to progress through therapy.

A partner can't absolve themselves from their responsibilities in a relationship. No one can be forced to have sex but a mutually beneficial and fulfilling sex life is not an unreasonable expectation. You're wife is taking the piss completely.
If she wants to be celebrate that's her business, she effectively saying she wants the marriage to end. A nice house and holidays does not a marriage make.

You have a number of choices. None of them particularly positive for you in the short term.
I'd move out of the family home if that's a possibility. Work on yourself and let that be your focus (apart from child rearing responsibility).

I think ultimately OP, and it might sound simplistic and easy for me to say, but it’s important to remember that you only get ONE lifetime. ONE! Is this how you are happy to live your one life (and end your days)? You have to be happy with what you have. What you have is half a life, if you crave that intimacy. These feelings will not just go away.

I couldn’t live like it.

You won’t get another chance. Are you actually willing to accept that you will NEVER have sex again? Never experience intimate touch or passionate kisses? Never is never OP.

You’re a long time dead.

I'm currently celibate because I'm single and have a lot of stuff to get over before I put myself 'out there' again. Plus lockdown obviously.
If I were in a relationship I'd be very unhappy havi g celibacy foisted upon me unless my partner had physical or mental health issues which prevented us from having sex.
I ended my marriage because my husband didn't want sex with me. It really ruined my self esteem.
Transpired he was a porn addict.
It's heartbreaking and left me quite vulnerable to sleazy types afterwards as I was craving physical and sexual contact. Some of that won't apply to you as men on the whole don't tend to be vulnerable to predatory types but you have to decide if your ego/ self esteem can handle the imposed celibacy