Coming to terms with celibacy?

[Rockandahardplaice]

Our sex life is at an end. My wife is no longer comfortable with kissing, intimate touching or sex. She claims she still loves me, and that it is nothing personal - it's just she has no desire at all for intimacy. She still wants to cuddle and hold hands. As a result, we have agreed to no longer try to have sex. I still love her, and very much feel desire for her.

We agonised for a long time over opening the marriage up, but my wife has expressed that, while she would tolerate it, doing so would cause her great distress. I can't do that to her. Her therapist agrees that our marriage would probably not survive being open.

Her therapist also suggested that, given time, I might adapt to a non-sexual marriage, and to appreciate all the good things we have (family time with the children, for a start). I don't see how I can ever truly be happy in a relationship in which my partner is averse to kissing, touching and sex.

But I'm starting to question whether that makes me a bad person. Has anyone any positive experiences about accepting their sex life is over, but nonetheless going on to enjoy their marriage without significant distress?

I just really need to hear it's possible!!

The reason why a string of therapists has not been able to help your wife pinpoint why she feels the way she does is because she has probably not been honest with them, is not being honest with you and is probably not being honest with herself.

As you don't have a reason I think it is a fair assume to treat this as a "staying together for the kids" deal. That is a bad deal.

I'd suggest you agree to divorce amicably so that you can move on and be happy. You can still co-parent the kids. Just prepare yourself for the fact that her sex drive is likely to come roaring back and a new man (or woman) will be on the scene eventually.

Divorce and coparent.

Personally I found it was a lot less about me finding my DP attractive and a lot more about how I felt about myself. So when I put on weight I shut down sexually. If I lose weight I start to feel like a sexual being again. Could it be similar with your wife OP?

Offering free therapy is very far from standard practice, OP.

It is something that has to be thought about very carefully indeed. Is it really the case that your wife can not afford even say £5 a session?

It smacks to me of something that has really not been worked through.

It is not in your wife's interest either as it is colluding with her in her deeper difficulties of needing everything to fit in with her rather than helping her to face these and gain the strength to tolerate discomfort.

Perhaps this is the pattern overall too.

Anyway I don't have the full picture so feel free to ignore. But these are my thoughts in case they are helpful.

OP, based on my experience (I’m a woman in her 50s) I’d say that your wife is no longer attracted to you & no longer in love with you. You are a friend/acquaintance- that’s it. The body doesn’t lie.

Staying in a dead relationship may well be less threatening than leaving it (and more convenient); but leaving would enable you to find a loving relationship where joy and passion can be expressed through physical intimacy. (It may well enable your wife to do the same!)

If you try to cut off this side of your needs, the wish for sexual intimacy, you’ll effectively be mutilating your personality. It will cause misery & resentment.

Don’t have an affair. It is likely to cause great sadness to all parties involved.

OP, whilst it is interesting and eye-opening to understand other people's experiences, you are the only person that can understand their own physical and emotional needs. Can you live with a sexless marriage? It's clearly something that you have been getting to grips with for some time. Are you considering whether to leave the marriage or just how you are going to adjust to celibacy?

I’m going to get abuse for this but I think your wife is being so selfish ! There’s nothing bad about you or she wouldn’t want to cuddle you and hold hands Therefore she could do the sexual side of thingS just for you you because she should understand that it is important to your well being. Marriage is about give and take and meeting each others needs just as I’m sure you meet hers. What she’s doing isn’t fair

This is going to sound bad, bad as a female who loved sex, if my partner didn’t want anything intimate it would be a)open relationship and let me get it else where or b) it would have to end. I love sex, I have it at least once a day (thankfully my partner does too), and I would be devastated if I didn’t have it. Sorry but your own hands and toys are not the same lol. Kudos to you for trying to work it out, many men would have walked. But everyone is different, some can go without, but others like me, need that level of intimacy for a successful relationship.

Note: this is just my opinion, I may be in the minority!!

I don't even need it every week and yet I'd be devastated at the loss of that intimacy.

It's a whole other level of closeness for most of us. I don't want a brother, I don't want a roommate.

Would it be a deal breaker for me? Probably not at first, no.

But after 7 years of therapy and getting nowhere? After realising I would never EVER experience that closeness again? Then yeah...I would be deeply unhappy and very depressed. Then it might be a deal breaker. Especially if the kids were getting older.

Rock she doesn’t find you attractive. And those very rare instances where she will be intimate it’s to satisfy her needs.

I think you will find if you split up she will have sexual relationships with other people Because her desire isn’t dead.

I’ve been in her position.

It’s not nice to think your partner doesnt find you sexually attractive anymore but it happens it can happen due to -

The other person letting themselves go

Having no respect for the other person

Unresolved resentments towards the other person.

Feeling like the other person doesn’t meet your needs

Very very poor sleep due to children and not being fully supported by partner.

It doesn’t matter who’s to blame but neither of you are happy clearly - she wouldn’t be having years of therapy Is she was and it just might be down to you. You need to consider that.

Also you don’t have to live like this either.

Skyla2005 are you my nan?

She always used to say ‘if one shop shuts another shop will open’...

Thankfully the days of just grin and bare it when some one is grinding on you is long gone.

@Macaroni46 Asexuality is not a **preference.
Personally speaking, i would never choose to be asexual, but i am.
Nothing i can do about it, and it certainly isin’t a preference.

As with anything to do with relationships it is lack of honesty and unreasonable expectations that cause damage. Whatever has happened in the past and whatever OP or his wife have done, she is likely not being honest and has unreasonable expectation of him. That will just lead to more pain and damage as it goes on.

Why are you flogging this dead horse OP? I think this thread will end up another flogged horse. Round and round.

Asking "does she find him attractive" seems to imply that he can somehow make himself attractive again in her eyes. But she's probably just lost interest in him at a fundamental level. There is nothing he can do, even if he completely remakes himself, that would cause her to find him sexually attractive gain.

OP your choice is clear. Accept celibacy or separate.

Which are you leaning towards the most?

Ok point accepted @Youcanstay But don't then spout on about sex being overrated. Show the same respect to those of us who desire sex to those who don't. OP's desire and need for sex and intimacy is as valid as your asexuality.

Seems like you have tried everything,you have really gone the extra million miles.You are too nice and are being treated like a doormat. Even the therapists are taking the piss, sorry. Did she ever enjoy sex ? Does she masturbate? if she does maybe there is some hope.. Good luck with this .

@Whaleoilbeefhookedagain - I agree OP does sound too nice & doormat like. Which, if we want to be simplistic & primitive about it, he is not an “alpha” male.

Women are drawn to confidence & assertiveness. The OP gives the vibe of being so compliant and meek mannered. Way too nice for his own good unfortunately.
I predict his wife is used to walking all over him while she navel gazes for 7 years in therapy about her issues, none of which are clear after almost a decade of therapy!

what would happen if he stood up for himself? Tell her he wasn’t prepared to live a celibate life & put himself first for a change ? She does not want to lose him, if she thinks she will I predict a little bit of sex will happen, just enough to to entice him to stay.

I know personally ‘wet’ people like the OP do not hold my sexual attraction for long. It’s good to be nice, but not at the expense of martyring yourself.

It sounds like the wife has the OP wrapped around her finger & his dick + balls in a jar on the top shelf, to gather dust forever.

she does not have a history of a sexuality from what is said by OP. If he left she would Very likely enter into a sexual relationship with someone new, or at least the average bloke who does not identify as asexual just wouldn’t buy what she’s selling & she knows this.

It’s so selfish to say you would tolerate the open relationship but it would deeply distress you - knowing that your doormat husband would never knowingly cause you distress. So she gets to not be the bad guy who vetoed the open relationship - she has manipulated him into believing it’s his decision! She does not care about her husband’s distress.

OP the only thing I can suggest is getting a “flesh light” / male sex toys you can use solo to enhance your solo sex life. Sensation wise that might be an ok compromise. It’s not the intimacy of a loving wife, but it’s something... I worked in a sex shop & they’re really popular. Also flashlight is a brand, It’s like saying kleenex so there are many on the market. Some look futuristic (tenga brand) and you wouldn’t even know what it was at a glance !

She does not want to lose him, if she thinks she will I predict a little bit of sex will happen, just enough to to entice him to stay.

I don't think either of them want that rather concerning scenario.

What reason has your wife said that you can't have an open relationship? I personally wouldn't want to say just have an open relationship and I wouldn't recommend an affair because there's a risk of creating an emotional intimacy and connection with someone. If that's her fear and would she consider you joining a swinging club. At least everyone is there for just sex without an emotional connection?

Personally, I feel for you and I couldn't live like you currently are.

7 years of therapy and the only result is that you should accept a sexless marriage ....

I'm sorry but I think you should end it and find a partner who wants sexual relationship too.

Most people do, you wouldn't be looking for a unicorn.

In fact the country is full of single women who'd hugely appreciate a clearly decent guy who doesn't cheat and isn't an addict of some sort (porn, drink, whatever). These boards are chock full of them, trying to sift through the rubbish on online dating. You'd be snapped up very quickly.

What you wife (and therapist!) wants is unfair and unreasonable.

As to the poster who said;
"Vagina on legs" ... Does a woman who wants a sex life see a man as a penis on legs?

Just because they're asexual doesn't mean everyone else is. Sex is an important part of relationships for many people, if there are no medical reasons their partner can't have sex, it's reasonable to expect a sex life.

And arousal is not a requirement, there are other ways

@Anothernick Doing any sort of sexual act when you're not in the mood isn't pleasant, though.

@ElspethFlashman
While it might not affect your opinions, that thread turned out to be complete fiction by the OP. She even took in some Mumsnetters in real life before being found out.

Move on op, how lonely a life would that be.

I love sex, it’s so important in a relationship.

Be brave.