Why do I attract sleazy men? Do all women endure this or is there something about me?

[Thebebodays]

Just before lockdown I got chatting to what seemed like a polite man in a bar and we exchanged numbers. We continued to chat via WhatsApp, very normal things such as what our interests are and what we do for a living etc.

He invited me on a date and I accepted, but then he spoilt it for himself by saying I "look sexy from behind" and when we go for a date he's going to be "looking for excuses to touch me" and making continuous comments about how "sexy" I am.

Date cancelled. Blocked.

Another one that I met online the other night who seemed normal to begin with quickly descended into asking me when I last had sex and whether I've had breast surgery (I haven't - I'm not remotely busty)

Also blocked.

Do all women suffer this crap or is there something about me that screams easy?

I want to date, not be used for sex.

[Cherrygirl3]

There do seem to be many sleezy men out there, talking to friends, and friends of friends, all report the same experience. Ugh! Just weed out the sleezebags like you're doing.

[illclapwheniminpressed]

I get it all the time, I think it doesn't sound so gross in their head, or if you were in person with them you may not dislike it as much. Might just see it as flirting but in text is just gross at times.

I notice people with certain jobs did it more, like I spoke to 5 police officer and they were all perverts 🤣 and Gemini's and Leo's are naughty to

[Thebebodays]

I had another one the other month I had to block for the same reason. I gave him the benefit of the doubt initially and said I'd rather he didn't talk like that as it would be extremely awkward for the both of us if he continues and then we met and didn't like one another at all. He apologised then started again the next day. Blocked.

The one who got as far as arranging the date - when I said nothing like that would be happening with somebody I had only just met. He said sorry and that he was "just being a man"

I don't think I want a man anymore then

[madcatladyforever]

Quite honestly I think all the decent men died in WW1 and 11 and just left the scum who have been breeding scum every since.

[GilbertMarkham]

It's online dating.

Obviously it can happen outside old, bit it's particularly rife on old.

Men go on there looking for sexual encounters (probably because there are hardly any women in sexual encounters websites) and inexplicably think women are on there looking for the same.

Be glad you haven't had dick pics.

[GilbertMarkham]

Madcatlady's post made me cringe a d guffaw at the same time, twice.

[Thebebodays]

You may be onto something there madcatlady.

I often think I've been born into the wrong era. I'm 26 and all of the men my age and slightly older seem to be this way. I'm a bit of an old soul.

I'm not attracted to much older men which is a shame because I'd like to hope they're not like this indefinitely?!

[GilbertMarkham]

Fwiw I don't think so, I think they've always been this bad.
Freely available porn's just making them worse.

[Thebebodays]

Be glad you haven't had dick pics I've had those too! Not through OLD but from an ex colleague at work, unwarranted.

You can guess what I did, as above.

[Mimishimi]

Madcatladyforever: I completely agree with you. Whenever someone makes a comment about me marrying an immigrant I think 'Look at the dregs we were left with!!' Our. best men were murdered.

[Thebebodays]

I would love the type of relationship my grandparents had.

Proper dating, flowers, and in a relationship loyalty that lasts 50 years.

All I get are cheats, perverts and chancers.

I'm seriously beginning to think I give off a certain vibe, I just can't put my finger on why.

[GilbertMarkham]

Your experience is common, I doubt it.

Old is particularly bad for this.

A lady I know had a phone call before first meeting, guy asked her if she could have sex with someone she wasn't attracted to and also asked during the conversation of she had her own place (dunno if he was living with parents or not single, this is an older guy). She didn't progress to meeting him but when she told me I 5thight "so he wants a woman who'll have sex with him regardless of his looks/any attraction, with the venue provided ... That's called a brothel, go and find one instead of being on old, you cheap bastard!".

[Fairycake2]

I'm with you OP. Am so fed up of chatting to a guy who seems perfectly nice in the beginning but soon turns sleazy. Some are quicker than others but most get there eventually. It's tiresome and is making me want to quit dating

[Menora]

This is going to sound very wrong and odd but when I was thinner I got it worse. When I let myself get a bit fatter the sleaze did relax. I get it way less now!

[Crystalspider]

As an older lady that dates, I'm sorry to say that alot of men still stay sleazy, really hard to find men that want dates and relationship.

[Scott72]

I don't think its you, I just think a lot of men are this clueless.

[Jennifer2r]

On line dating is the same men as in 'real life', they just feel emboldened by their relative anonymity. There is not some arbitrary split between 'online men' and 'real life men'. Its the same men.

[LadyDoc1]

It's really exhausting, superficially they seem nice enough then it's 'Hey, vid call?'
I've noticed Hinge etc are much quieter, the cynic in me would say that's because

1. a large proportion usually on these sites are in relationships and only looking for sex
   
2. the single ones only want a 'pump and dump' too
   Grim

[Thebebodays]

I'm both reassured and disheartened.

Reassured to hear that it's not just me, so it's not likely to be a vibe I give off.

Disheartened that it's so bloody common.

My last relationship was with a self professed "nice guy" who turned out to be a serial cheat.

I've spent a considerable amount of time on my own and worked hard on my boundaries so I'm very zero tolerance of BS these days. If you met me you'd never get the impression I would tolerate disrespect.. and I still get the weasels.

Doomed

[thenamesarealltaken]

Yes, there are a lot like that, but I do know two women who met their husbands online and they're really good men. Just do what you're doing - filter them out quickly, and if you are keen to have a relationship, use a paid for dating site, that's if you have no other options to meet men.

[Babdoc]

OP, one tip - avoid any online profiles where the man describes himself as a “ nice guy”. If he feels the need to spell it out, then he isn’t one. Genuine nice guys take it for granted - it wouldn’t occur to them that “not nice” was an option!
My DD had a whole list of red flags for online dating before she met her partner. I vaguely recall a list of questions to ask potential dates that quickly picked up sleazebags, sexists and potential abusers.
Phrases to avoid include:
Old fashioned gentleman- sexist shit
Authoritative, dominant, or commanding - bully, prob abusive, poss violent
Open minded, adventurous in bed- prob pervert, prob unfaithful, may want threesomes
Looking for a lady to spoil - sees you as a passive plaything/arm candy.
Sadly, I think the majority of men under thirty have been exposed to online porn to an extent that has warped their response to real life women. You need to find one of the few decent ones or embark on a serious re-education program to salvage one of the least damaged!

[Thebebodays]

Thank you for the tips, I've noted them all

I've decided to avoid the free dating apps from now on and look for a paid website. It figures that people willing to pay for a subscription should be slightly less inclined to waste people's time.

Those phrases to avoid are spot on. Three of them rang a bell immediately, I've come across men spouting similar who turned out to be twats.

[PicsInRed]

@madcatladyforever

Quite honestly I think all the decent men died in WW1 and 11 and just left the scum who have been breeding scum every since.

🤣🤣🤣

[famousforwrongreason]

Op it's definitely not your age. I'm in my 40s and they're still the same. I've had it from older guys too 😭

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I'm nearly 60, plain as all get out, don't date and STILL get men, IRL over the counter at the supermarket where I work telling me I look 'as if I'd be into dirty stuff' wink wink or making lewd assumptions about what I'm going to be doing with my weekend off. It's as if they can't see a single woman without some kind of 'sex switch' being flipped in their brain.

I've perfected the single raised eyebrow. Which, of course, doesn't work online.