Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

I lost it that time too and said if he was nasty again he was out of my life.

He has been - so walk the talk.

I also doubt that was a one off incident. It was probably a more visible one.

Nice people don’t do nasty things.

Often there are other small, subtle and insidious bullying actions that are harder to identify and articulate each time as you feel you are over reacting - this is all deliberate to get these in under the radar - but it’s the pattern over time and if you are left feeling confused or “off” on numerous occasions then that tell you something else is going on. Pay attention to any little stuff.

Please don't ask your son what he wants to happen, that's horribly unfair on him. You are the parent and need to make choices in his best interest.

Throwing a fully clothed person into a freezing cold swimming pool - however competent a swimmer they are - is not only ‘not funny’ but downright dangerous. Adding in the power imbalance that clearly exists in this scenario it is a spiteful act designed to humiliate.

LTB

Sounds to me he doesn't have the best parental skills. He sees his own children on occasion and rather than be a parent he's trying to be the fun guy and gives in to them. He probably sees your children more as they live with him so he treats them differently. I bet when you speak to him it's a mixture of guilt at the fact he's not in his children's lives all the time, a little resentment perhaps, and that he has no clue about what good parenting is. I don't think he's behaving maliciously I think he is behaving like a big kid with no responsibility. And that never works in the long term. You have your work cut out for you! But it can work and you can have a successful family with happy bonds if he is receptive to change

@lunar1 of course she wouldn't ask her son about what he wants to happen for him to make the final decision. But if she's on the fence about forgiving him and decided to go ahead and do that without even talking to him, he will feel lower than low. So she really does need to ask him how he feels.

Your son's confidence is being eroded by this bully. These are the incidents you know about.

He was trying to be flash in front of everyone, being a bully to your child because he splashed him. Get rid of him. He's an idiot and I suspect he's jealous of your relationship with your child. X

All the posts about the son being upset and humiliated are focusing on the wrong thing. I have very mild asthma, but if I'm suddenly immersed in cold water I can't breathe. What your partner did was very dangerous, akin to pushing your son into a road - he could easily have been very seriously hurt, and it's only by luck that he wasn't. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation OP but I really don't think this is forgivable.

I’m sorry but your partner is a brainless moron and a bully. I’m not sure I could forgive him - or even want to. That’s the sort of shit that gets people killed.

Your poor son.

I lost it that time too and said if he was nasty again he was out of my life. So he's done if before.

He had his chance then and he's fucked it up. Please stand up for your boys not just in words but in action too. It's over.

@Vik81 have you actually RTFT?

Why would you minimise the behaviour of someone bullying a child - when the mother is the child has concluded it was spiteful?

I bet when you speak to him it's a mixture of guilt at the fact he's not in his children's lives all the time, a little resentment perhaps, and that he has no clue about what good parenting is. I don't think he's behaving maliciously I think he is behaving like a big kid with no responsibility.

She has been speaking to him for hours. There is no guilt or remorse - just the standard abusive DARVO (defend, attack, reverse victim and offender) tactic of a bully - followed by sulking and stonewalling.

No clue about parenting? What with 2 teenagers of his own and 2 step children who have been in his life for 6 years? And “malicious” - yes that’s exactly what it was.

Gutterton What is this Dario thing ? Can you tell me more please

Google DARVO

There's lots about it.

Sorry. ...thats a horrible thing to do, your son is obviously sensitive...you know what as a mother...if it feels wrong in your gut...it is...stand up for your son x

Oh dear, the incident last year was awful too. Complicates things that you've become pregnant since then, but I think it's all the more reason to LTB as if you stay, once your child is born he will ramp up the favouritism big time and your other children will be totally sidelined by this man, he will I think expect you to put his child first too. Don't make them go through this, it will damage them emotionally forever.

This is such a shocking thread, and God knows the bar is very very high here in awful stories.

That poor child.

20 minutes trying regulate his breathing.

Just unbelievable.

OP, I realise this must be very stressful for you and you are pregnant too, which makes things hard.

But if what happened to your son, happened to a child I knew by his mothers boyfriend, potentially threatening the life of the child, social services and the local police would be involved.

Your boyfriend's nasty behaviour was a deliberate act of aggression against a child.

He knew it.

Your children know it.

He is a very bad man.

Your poor child.

The fear he must have felt, the shock.

You know deep down he is abusive.
You know this isn't a happy relationship in a happy home.

Please reach out to family to support you.

Make NO mistake OP, this is a truly shocking story of a deliberate act of aggression against a small boy that could have cost him his life.

20 minutes to regulate his breathing.

Horrific.

Wishing you strength to do the right thing by your poor children

Fucking hell. Your poor boy. I'm asthmatic and was winded in a pool once in my teens. The terror has never left me and I'm in my 40s now and always been a decent swimmer with no fear of the water. Pregnant or not I'd have kicked him out. He is a nasty, abusive, dangerous excuse for a man and should not be anywhere near your dc. I'd be reporting him for assault too. Your boy could have drowned. How can you ever trust him again either with your dc or the baby once born? Choose your dc. Show them they come first above this vile man and that you out there needs and safety above him. I actually feel sick reading this thread.

I appreciate that we are only getting a snippet of your life here, but it seems beyond a coincidence that your son lives with someone who has a tendency (at best) to occasionally treat him thoughtlessly and cruelly, and (at worst) actually bully him, and that he suffers from low self esteem etc. Perhaps his life with your boyfriend and I imagine the trauma of the estrangement from his dad (even if this is actually in his best interests long term) are taking their toll on his wellbeing.

It also seems very unlikely that the two incidents you have described are the only ones that have occurred. And even if they are, what happened with the pool was unforgivable really. It's not at all dramatic to say that your son could have died. People do die this way. It was dangerous and downright spiteful. I feel heartbroken imagining how hurt, scared and humiliated he must have felt, and I don't even know the kid. And the fact that your boyfriend is now punishing you for "humiliating him" (standing up for your son) is a HUGE red flag. He's not sorry, obviously. He might have said the word but nothing in his behaviour suggests that he is at all remorseful.

Don't be one of those women who prioritises a bloke over their kids. You need to show your son that you will put him first always and model the kind of behaviour that you want him to replicate as an adult. Do you want him to be in a relationship with a bully? Do you want him to be a bully?

This is awful OP, I really would LTB. I don’t say that lightly at all and I think a lot of times you can work through things, but I couldn’t work through this. He sounds like a child wanting to show off in front of his friends, he should be spending his evening apologising and making it up to your DS instead of sulking

Oh and next time your son is struggling to regulate his breathing call 999. 20 minutes to regulate his breathing is far too long. Does he have as asthma plan? Does he have a spacer? Have you sought medical care for him since? He might need to increase his preventer if he has any lasting symptoms. Unbelievable. I was the respiratory lead at the GP practice where I worked and I'd want to check him over and make sure he's ok.

DARVO is an acronym used to describe a common strategy of abusers. The abuser will:
Deny the abuse ever took place, then
Attack the victim for attempting to hold the abuser accountable; then they will lie and claim that they, the abuser, are the real victim in the situation, thus Reversing the
Victim and Offender. This usually involves victim blaming. Some therapists see DARVO as a specific form of gaslighting.

Basically turning it on you.

Sorry the D is Deny not defend. Deny in saying it wasn’t abuse it was “a joke”.

Whenever anyone says it was “a joke”, you are “too sensitive” or “over reacting” - they were bullying you with the first incident/comment because they continued to bully you with the second comment when you dared to express your feelings.

If a nice person inadvertently offended someone and were called on it - they would apologise profusely for upsetting someone they cared about and didn’t want to upset.

If you stay with this man you are betraying your kids and yourself.

Hmmm..... this feels like a bit of an over reaction thread.

OP, I am not saying that what your partner did was ok- definitely something that needs moderated/ corrected....

But it's a little hard to tell from this how truly bad it was.

Certainly if these things were done in uncontrolled anger then that would be terrible. But I also think it's perfectly possible that someone can be rough housing and/or having a less molly-coddling approach to parenting, and misjudgments can be made when adapting to a different parenting style and kids brought up a different way.

OP, It does feel like you and your children are very easily upset. Is it possible you deal with things and protect them in a way that increases anxiety, rather than builds resilience? (Crying for ages, and you crying too, over a 13 year old kid ending up in a swimming pool, surrounded by people who could help him out - (was it even out of his depth?) and a kid, who had repeatedly refused to share, being really upset and getting lots of comfort from you about a ball knocked out of his hands.... just all feels very fragile....).

Realize I am inviting lots of flaming and accusations that my standards are low etc etc.... but what I am really saying is that these things can be nuanced and I feel understanding what is really happening here takes a bit more info than we have.

My DP has children of his own and is actually from a different culture, which has a lot of different attitudes to children and how to bring them up. He tries to be very respectful of my style with my daughter (which to him is mollycoddling). But sometimes there are misteps. Sometimes, this involves me being firm about what I believe is right, and helping them mend slight mishaps. Other times, though, it involves me stepping back, despite something jarring with me, and realizing that he is actually bringing something valuable and different, that over time can help my DD build resilience and confidence. My DD adores him - and has learned so much from him - but they also have fall outs because he approaches her in a way that she doesn't always expect. Eg if she were trying to climb a rope with me, I would hover underneath and the second she expressed being stuck or worried, I would prop up her weight or lift her down. But when he teaches her to climb a rope, he stands back and when she says she is stuck and calls for his help, he stays standing back and tells her not to panic and look around her for something to hold onto etc. she complains that her hands are sore and she was scared. But guess what, next day she is out climbing that rope, brimming with pride, and wanting to teach me that it is all about not panicking, and looking around for the next thing to do, even if you think you are stuck!

That may not be the case for you- it may be that your DP is out of control or not a good person and not good for your children.... but I think being sure of that takes more than the gut reactions of folks on the internet....

Good luck.

I would be showing my children how much they mean to me by removing this bullying prick from their lives.

Pregnant or not.

Your son could have been killed today, 20 minutes to regulate his breathing...no way could I bear to even look at someone who inflicted that on my son.

Your son and you sound lovely,your partner sounds like a complete and utter dick!

I would have struggled not to have swung for him if was my DC,it's bad enough to throw him into the pool when it's freezing cold but to throw him in there when he knew he would be so upset and scared and he's asthmatic!