Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

@BraveGoldie I'm
Not easily upset at all my son has severe anxiety and has a fear of water which my partner knows about. Not all kids are the same and my younger son would not of been bothered like I said but even so it was cruel when my sons couldn't even get his daughters hair wet today without him shouting at them so it's double standards.

The more you speak the worse it sounds. Are you able to leave him financially while pregnant?

If that is the case, then I agree you have a serious problem.

I'm on furlough and will be on mat pay soon I will struggle for sure. I can't sleep a wink it's awful

I keep checking my son to make sure he's ok so can't sleep.

he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it,

Well then he shouldn't have done that to your son. You didn't talk to him like shit, you spoke to him like he had just done something to your son that wasn't ok- which he had.

It's bullying- it's like when Zoe threw me in the pond! Even worse as he isn't just a few years older, he's an adult, and your son is vulnerable.

You need to be firm with how he acts towards your son in future- well done for responding the way you did. If anything you could have then spent more time with your son if that's what your son wanted.

Your partner needed to know that bullying, especially of someone with mental health problems or vulnerabilities which effectively is what this is, is not ok. Causing a child to have a panic attack is horrible.

Did he have the 'excuse' of being drunk or anything?

He is in a position of power and this could easily be the start of abusing it. Especially, as you said, with the double standards.

I think you responded well. Sorry this happened to you and your son. xxx

Hi OP , your partner may have been joking but the fact that he doesn't acknowledge how dangerous the joke was is a very big problem. As upset as you are and quite rightly so , don't make a permanent decision on the say so of strangers on the internet who in their own way consciously or unconsciously are bullying into doing what they want right there right now . You know your situation and everyone involved better than anyone so whatever you decide, make sure it is what you really want. Sleep on it and once you have had a clear head , you can decide what to do .
Good luck

My husband could swim quite well and still accidentally drowned a few years ago. Reading this post made me feel physically sick. Anything could have happened. Hope your son is ok

you need to stop wrapping your son in cotton wool. Life is going to be really hard for him. - esp with adults throwing him in pools. Are you on glue @onyxrose? The boy doesn't have asthma for giggles FFS

I don't wrap him in cotton wool but he has a fear of water and and anxiety aswell. I've had it done to me it's awful. Like I said it did trigger off his asthma and he was crying. It isn't a paddling pool it's a proper deep pool that was freezing cold.

People with asthma have different triggers. I'm surprised anyone could be asthmatic and unaware of that. Mine gets triggered by sudden temperature changes plus common allergens, other people's can be triggered by stress or anxiety, chemicals such as chlorine, exertion, among others. I can easily see how being thrown into a cold pool could set someone off wheezing.

My comment was in reply to onyxrose, btw

What a nasty thing to do! Of course people throw each other in the pool in fun, but in this instance your partner knew that DS would hate it and be upset so he shouldn't have even thought about doing it. What an insensitive bully - why are you with this man?

I wouldn't forgive something like that in a hurry and I am considered to be quite a liberal, forgiving person. You seriously need to reconsider your relatonship.

@maria860 I’m glad you’ve been checking on your son. If he is at all unwell or is coughing more than usual or seems to have “worse” breathing in any way please call 111 and mention the pool incident. Drowning doesn’t always happen in an instant.
And get rid of the pool. You shouldn’t have one in your garden with a child who is not water confident. Also get rid of the partner.

• obviously call 999 if he was struggling to breathe at all!!

Adults who expect children to be twice as mature as they are are pathetic self centred twats. He thinks you should apologise as he felt humiliated because you ... said something to him? But HE doesn’t have to apologise for THROWING your child who doesn’t like water in a cold pool so he had a dangerous asthma attack and cried? You can’t have a healthy adult relationship with someone who thinks those double standards are ok, you shouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who cant have a healthy adult relationship and you can’t put someone like that in a position of authority to your kids. Which he is by living there. I’m sorry.

I'm sad this has happened to your son - and to you OP. I'm sorry but it seems like your partner IS a bully - it's not the first time he's acted towards your children like this and both times he has behaved like a bully, that you've mentioned, his own children have been there. What is he trying to prove to either his children or yours?

The sad thing is he doesn't seem to care about the consequences of his actions.

1. Instead of hurrying to the pool to pull your son out again, and profusely apologising, he stands back and lets his pregnant partner do so;

1. He seems to care more about how you "humiliated" him in front of his children than the fact your own child was in trouble. You said of your son: I heard his chest go funny right away and he needed his inhaler and

my son he could barely breath after took me a good twenty minutes to get his breathing stable.

What was your partner doing in those 20 minutes?

1. He treats your children differently (less kindly) than he treats his own children.

1. He's blaming YOU for his own poor judgment and lack of emotional intelligence.

1. I'm glad he's spoken with your son now, but that is the very least he should do - and he's still behaving badly to you as he's not accepting responsibility for his actions.

You are in a tough spot as you are soon go on maternity leave and the timing is reminiscent of what happened with your children's partner but you really can't let this go, I'm afraid.

At the very least I think you should ask him to leave for a few days and give all of you, but especially your son, some breathing space away from him. You will all be in eggshells anyway.

I'm sure you will be careful when you speak with your son but please reassure him that he is not to blame in any way for what happened before, or what happens between you and your partner from this point.

You say you have some family support? Are they located close by and able to meet up with you/your children during a socially distanced walk/picnic etc and generally keep an eye on you all, and especially support you?

BTW you sound like a strong woman. You got through bad times before and made a good life for yourself and your family. With some family support maybe? you can do it again.

The best thing is your children will know you are 100% on their side.

Best wishes and good luck with all this OP. You have my sympathy. 🌹

Your son could have died because of the actions of your partner. A partner who knows your son is scared of water. He sounds a really unpleasant man. What he did to your younger son with the ball was also very nasty. Then there's the other nasty incident that you don't want to mention.

That he's now turned it back on you only makes the whole thing worse.

I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass

You should not be willing to forget. Your poor son won't forget. He's a twat and a bully. Get rid.

Your partner is a shit. It happened to me as a kid too, must have been around 12-13 also, family friends had a swimming pool. I was in my costume though but wasn't able to swim and was just dipping in a bit from time to time. All the grown ups were drunk and thought it was funny to push me in. I was shocked, had a lung full of water and felt dreadful after with all the coughing and just the shock really. I remember it now, 35 years later!

This man harmed your son.

He violated and hurt your vulnerable child to impress his children. He ‘wasn’t even bothered’ about your boy’s obvious physical and emotional trauma.

He downplayed and justified his abuse, and expected you to STFU so he could save face. He then shifted the blame to you.

Last year he bullied your younger child to indulge and impress his daughter. You warned him that if he was nasty again he was out of your life.

This brute still feels entitled to throw his weight around and dominate you and your boys when it suits him.

Are you going to follow through and kick him to the curb?

Please ignore the few people saying to minimise this stuff or talking about cotton wool (wtf). It matters. Your son is clearly vulnerable and your partner doesn't like him, and this is all about his own ego. That's horrible. Also be aware that you will be trying to minimise it in your head by now, because thats what we do after traumas.