Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

Bullies!

Well done @maria860 A hard day on you and I can only imagine how you are feeling. You've done the right thing.

I had a conversation with my father today about my recent ex and he spoke about my mother too when he said, "The thing is it always happens again. They apologise and they're nice for a while but you can't trust the good times because you know that's in them and it's coming again."

The bullying doesn't have to be every day for it to have an impact. I really feel for you because it's a terribly hard situation, especially when pregnant. What you did takes strength.

He's agreed to leave if only to put some space between the situation for now.
I'm glad you are getting some space OP - I hope he's gone now so you can have a more peaceful atmosphere in your home. You need this and do your children. Don't be pressured into having him back if that's not what you and your children really want.

Also you've had some really emotional times recently so do please take care of your own physical and mental health. Don't hesitate to speak with your GP if you need to - especially after feeling fuzzy yesterday.

Go hug your kids and relax a little now. You all deserve some peace. 🌹

That’s a good outcome. Well done for achieving that - it can’t have been easy - it’s taken almost 3 days. This will be an emotional rocket boost for your boys.

Be very proud of yourself.

Time, space and distance will help everyone recover and find some clarity.

Please rest up and pay close attention to your own mental and physical health right now for the next few days and call your GP if the dizziness comes back.

I hope that calm and peace has been restored to your home.

That would be a massive issue for me. He wouldn't be staying in the house for a while and I would be firmly & publicly siding with my son.

Im angry on your behalf, your son needs to know he's the innocent party and that you have his back, without question.

Thanks everyone I feel better in myself and not dizzy tonight thankfully. X

Well done OP - can’t have been easy. Have an early night and do your best to rest/sleep. I’m sure your son will really appreciate you supporting him and his feelings. These moments are what make an excellent parent, I think.

OP,
So delighted that you are having space.
Make NO mistake, you are a very brave woman in a very stressful and upsetting situation.

As a fellow mother, I would advise you to take this time to watch your son, very very carefully.

Watch how they are behave.
Observe them..
For several days..

Then ask them how they feel with him gone..

This will definitely help guide you going forward.

I know this is not easy as you are pregnant and it might not be what you want to hear but i would say this man has to go - he is a bully who has destroyed any trust your son might have had in him, and he will never feel safe or secure around him again, always wondering what he's going to do next time. Despite you saying you have been together a good while, he even forgot the boy has asthma ffs!! I guarantee you this guy is a factor in your son's anxiety and if he went, i'll bet the anxiety would reduce and his confidence improve. It's up to you to have your boy's back - think about what message it sends to him if you don't.

Well done. Please make sure he follows through and leaves, and don't have him back. xxxx

I think this incident will traumatise your son for a while and that would worry me.

I nearly drowned as a child and 40 years on, I've never forgotten it and never will. It was petrifying. If someone had thrown me in, that person would be a trigger.

Your DP was more angry about how you spoke to him, than your sons welfare....my concern is what would have happened if you weren't there. For me, that trust just wouldn't be there anymore.

He would have to do some very serious apologising and grovelling, while demonstrating he was wrong and he should have known better to make this right. If he can't do that, then he really doesn’t get it.

Any hint of him saying you're overreacting, would just make it clear he isn't really sorry. It's not about how he felt, the most important thing was your son's safety and his ego was his priority in such a scary situation for your DS.

It's a tough one...especially with your pregnancy.

My ex was an arse like yours, only I didn't know until he threatened my oldest ds. I had a terrified child cowering beside me in the kitchen, while I was cooking. From that moment on I defended my son.
When he was abusive to our ds I told him I would call the police myself if he ever did it again. Not long after I left him.
There are systems out there that can help you. I bitterly regret not doing so. Dont be me.

@DBML you were suggesting that op caused the escalation with her reaction, and that she should have cheered hm up, laughing at his predicament, blaming op for her son's reaction.

Stop trying to double back...

DBML is just running true to form. Take no notice.

@differentnameforthis

Absolutely I was suggesting that I personally wouldn’t have escalated the situation in front of my son and all of our family. I would have spoken to my partner later about it, had I felt that the act was malicious rather than fun.

You clearly disagree with me and that’s fine. You are entitled to do things your own way. Personally this didn’t sound like a ‘call the police, your partner is an abuser’ situation to me.

It might be worth adding that I could never imagine myself shouting at anyone in public, let alone my partner. I tend to discuss behind closed doors. But each to their own.

@BurtonHouse

Translates to ‘DBML has a different opinion, so don’t listen to her. I’d rather the thread be filled entirely with one opinion, my opinion’.

Please stop using the @ with DBML they are loving the attention they've taken up so much space in the OP's thread about a serious and worrying situation so much so that during one reply the OP felt they had to take up most of their reply defending themselves to DBML

I would have spoken to my partner later about it, had I felt that the act was malicious rather than fun.

@DBML The problem with that is then a child doesn't know that their mum has defended them- as far as they know she thinks the behaviour is ok.

Also, given her son's temperament, health and predictable reaction, I imagine the OP was shocked, reacted immediately, and felt she had to say something.

@DishingOutDone

Oh yes, I’m loving it. It’s up there with Christmas.

Seriously, I admired the fact the OP was open to hearing more than just the one point of view. Even if she doesn’t agree with me, she listened, thought about a variety of opinions and then responded. I respect that.

I don’t respect people who try to bully or engineer others with a different view off a public forum thread, simply because there is a difference of opinions.

@NoMoreDickheads

I understand what you are saying. But the child doesn’t need to hear the argument. You can speak to them later and explain you ‘have their back’ and that they don’t have to worry.

As I said, this is just my view and a point perhaps for op to consider. If she feels I’m way off base or that my way of doing things doesn’t fit her family, she can simply forget what I’ve said. A variety of views is healthy though.

I just remembered those childhood years when one friend would say to another

“Don’t tell Judy about my birthday party. I don’t want her to come. She’s nasty”.

I think it's sad that a lot of the OP's response was directed at DBML, even though she's dealing with a very sad and stressful situation. I think you've derailed this thread quite a bit. You have a clear lack of empathy and understanding.