Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

@ the previous four posters.

I’m terribly sorry that I’ve got a different view on this and that I don’t jump on the ‘he’s an abusive wanker, dump him train’.

I can’t see how hysterics helps a situation, but hey, perhaps I’m wrong.

Very low @iften to saying something about my child though don’t you think? Especially when you don’t know him or us from Adam.
I think I’ve just realised the type of person I’m dealing with here.

Ah yes, I'd forgotten that you can treat asthma attacks with a cheery round of clapping. If only all those people who'd died of asthma could have known. Maybe that was what was wrong with Tinkerbell too.

Ah yes, I'd forgotten that you can treat asthma attacks with a cheery round of clapping.
It's cost me a hell of a lot less money if that worked!

Please contact the police, your ds was assaulted.

You really do need to address this issue op.

He will escalate his abuse towards your children.

You have to keep them safe, this is a safeguarding issue.

@Oxyiz

www.asthma.org.uk/advice/triggers/emotions/

Better to try in some way, to keep the situation calm as opposed to create ‘over emotion’ or hysterics I would have though after reading this? (And having asthma myself)

Yes that’s what the Thursday claps were for - all of those people in ITU - “stuff and nonsense, up you pop, back on your feet, man up”

OP: How would he have reacted if:

YOU picked up his fully clothed daughter and threw her into a deep, freezing cold pool - knowing she was very socially anxious, had a significant health condition and was a poor swimmer.

When his daughter was physically and mentally distraught and he was frantic trying to help her out of the water YOU sat back did nothing of practical help showed no remorse but continued to mock and bully him and his daughter.

Then YOU continued to bully him for days - telling him he was over reacting, you sulked, you stropped and stonewalled and then you conducting a proactive DARVO smear campaign against him in his own house in full view of him.

I bet that you can’t even mentally summon up those images.

No need to go on & on at the OP, she knows, she gets it, she’s waiting until he has gone to work.

Your son did get bullied whatever you've written.

@DBML

The lad was THROWN in a COLD pool, by a strong man
The lad has asthma, this triggered an attack
The lad doesn't like water, and isn't a confident swimmer, so was scared
He was GASPING for breath
He has ANXIETY
He was having a panic attack IN A POOL

And you think that compares to a toddler falling over, do you? A little kid, falling a VERY small distance to the ground, and NOT having anxiety, or a panic attack, or a fear of the ground, or asthma triggered by falling a very small distance to the ground.

You're being deliberately obtuse!

@Oxyiz I'd forgotten that you can treat asthma attacks with a cheery round of clapping

I did not know this ... might try it with my dd who has anxiety attacks. (sarcasm)

@differentnameforthis

You may need to read back through my responses. I wasn’t suggested anything of the sort. I was merely illustrating that a hysterical response can escalate a situation unnecessarily. I stand by that.

Yes a horrible thing to do to your son. Some men think things like this are funny and think that all children will think it's fun also.But not so, it could make a child fear the water for a long time afterwards. Your partner has a bad attitude it seems, and doesn't like being reprimanded,so not so good at all.

@DBML 'Hysterical?' C'mon, you know better than this.

I can see the many reasons OP acted like she did. If nothing else, because she didn't want her child to think some random bloke's whims are more important to her than her son.

I also think (as most people would) that OP's demonstrating caring for him, being with him etc, would have calmed him down. Yes, she told her OH it wasn't ok, but that wasn't all she was doing, she was also spending time comforting her son. That does help someone (esp. a child) if they're having a panic attack.

• When he fell he would start to cry. I dealt with this by cheering him and clapping “Hooray! That was a wonderful fall! Look at what a big boy you are!” He’d stop crying immediately, sometimes with confusion as to why I was clapping and so happy...but he soon would get up, clap himself and run to me proud. Might not have been the right move, but he was a happy child.*

WTAF?!

Men like this get my goat.
He feels stupid for what he did, and his pride has been dented. Rather than show concern for your son, he has tried to blame your son.
Good, empathetic people would instantly feel a sense of horror at what they had done and would be incredibly remorseful and apologetic.
Unfortunately, your husband is too selfish to consider anybody else's hurt or upset before his own pride and ego, too worried about appearing weak to care about your sons feelings.
Sod that for a game of soldiers.

@NoMoreDickheads

Each to their own really. But personally it’s not the way I would have reacted.

I think it’s vital that op hears the wide range of views of many. She might not want to have her partner arrested and may indeed want to stay with him. And if she decides to stay, the last thing she needs is to feel as though in some ways she’s being a terrible mother and enabling an abuser. Which is how a lot of these posts might be making her feel.

Sometimes we have an over-emotional reaction to things. It’s natural, but I’m offering op another way of looking at things. 🤷‍♀️

I honestly think this type of behaviour is a good indicator of his personality.
Smacks of bullying to me.

@maria860 How are you feeling today? Sorry that your thread seems to have been somewhat derailed... Keep talking to us, we're mostly all here for you

Hope you’re ok OP

@DBML a child needing an inhaler and struggling to breathe is very, very different to a child falling and scraping a knee. Personally I think applauding a child who fell is horrible. You don't have to overdo it but acknowledging a child's hurt or fright is a basic thing, I think. A human thing, a kind thing.

What happened to the OP's son is very, very different. I posted upthread about my mother's cousin pushing me into an outdoor pool fully clothed when I was 12 and didn't want to go in because I had my period, my second ever period. I was pissed off and embarrassed but luckily not short of breath and I am asthmatic too. It would have been even worse if someone had laughed. Some empathy for the OP and her son would be appropriate here and, if you can't manage that, then please stop banging the drama/hysterical reaction drum. It isn't going to help. The OP's son WAS distressed, the OP is upset about it. That's the situation that she's dealing with, including a very imbalanced approach by her partner to her children versus his own.

Guys I'm sorry I haven't updated I've just read all the replies now. Thankyou for everyone's comments and people are entitled to their opinion.
@DBML I've taken on board some of what you have said and I am not a molly coddle parent I love my kids and my son has very bad anxiety it's hard to explain to someone who does not suffer it themself but he is not a rough boy like my other son. He's very quiet and shy and just because he's a boy doesn't mean he has to man up like your suggesting everyone is different regardless of their gender I don't like how people think boys can't cry or not be macho because some people are just not made like that.
He's very placid and always has been he gets panic attacks which I've had to take him the doctors for. My son can swim actually he just isn't confident in the water more down to his own nerves than the fact he can't swim he could swim if he had to. I learnt the kids to swim from a young age my youngest could swim at three.
Anyway like I said if he did it to my younger son who had been in the pool all day he wouldn't of been bothered but he doesn't have asthma and the cold can trigger an attack which it did he can't help that.
I've spoken to my partner today in depth about what happened I know People think he bullies my son but in general day to day he doesn't bully my sons. I love my kids more then anything and would not allow that in my house they always come first and he knows that he's known that since day one. He's agreed to leave if only to put some space between the situation for now.
So that's where it stands at the moment. I've had a really awful emotional day with everything and trying to decide what is best for us.
I have not slept in two days going over this situation it's not a good position to be in at all.

I sincerely hope this man has now left. This relationship is over really in all but name.

There will be a next time too; you have already cited other incidents re him (and one against you that you have not alluded to in any detail) that have really shown him behaving around your children in a poor light.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What do you want to teach your children about relationships?

Put your own self along with your kids properly and first now, show them that this sort of behaviour from anyone, let alone someone who is supposed to be your partner, is not at all tolerated in your home. Talk to Womens Aid going forward and look at their Freedom Programme both online and in person going forward.

I cannot help but feel you were targeted byt his man in the first place because he saw you as a single mother and a, "strong person who takes no crap". To some abusive types this particular sort of woman is an attractive proposition because this gives him more of a challenge to further take them down with him.

I would also consider giving your as yet unborn child your surname now rather than his.

OP, I think that's a very good decision. I read your up-date thinking you would say 'my children come first' and go on to say you were going to stay with him.

You are strong and making good choices that will protect your children. I hope you can get some real life support. I'm in awe of your boundaries; you know this isn't right.

OP, I appreciate this is very difficult.

Don't pay any attention to his words.

His actions have been that of a bully.

He bully's you and he bully's your son.

Do NOT let him back into your home.
Do NOT give your child his name.

Protect yourself and your children.

Reach out to those who care for you for support.