Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

I can't think about what happened anymore I feel like it gives me the worse feeling ever seeing my sons face I feel so upset when I think about it I honestly do. He's got so little confidence anyway I felt like it broke him a little more and it broke my heart. To some it may seem trivial in a way but it hurt me so much.
I need to decide what I will do now.

This is hard for you op. It's a horrible situation to be in. But its good to see you have your ds back.

Did your son have anxiety, lack confidence and have low self esteem before this guy came into your lives?

I won't argue anyway with the boys here it's not fair on them. Thankyou for listening and replying to me anyway it's helped.

@villamariavintrapp he's always had confidence problems before he's very shy only has on friend that kind of child always been a bit of a loner. He's close to us and my family but he has no social circle really nice lad never any trouble just sometimes a bit lazy and messy but that's it. I'm wondering and going over things wondering if my partner has done or said things to make it worse maybe in the past or present.

Cold water can cause sudden reactions in the body. Not at all funny. I really hope he's realised now how big z deal it is and makes a proper genuine apology to you both tomorrow.

Is your son getting any treatment for the anxiety? I do t mean meds, talking therapy, cbt etc? I Would start there. I’m sure you will all get over this but bullying father figures can have awful impacts on mental health and confidence throughout life. Maybe this is a wake up call for you all that the dynamics need to change. Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy

I would be going absolutely freaking mental. The throwing in could be a joke, fine, the problem is the way he reacted after. As soon as he saw your son was upset he should have run in and apologised and helped. He was cruel in the face of suffering and I don't think I'd ever feel the same about him again to be honest.

Your child is shy and under confident.
Your DP knows this.

Your child is asthmatic and a poor swimmer. Your DP knows this.

Your DP physically overpowered a child and inflicted an emotionally humiliating and life threatening act on him.

Your child was emotionally and physically distraught.

Your DP saw this and chose to add a further level of humiliation and abuse by claiming it was a “joke” implying that your child was being a wuss.

He did not attempt to rescue, soothe, calm or apologise to your child for his “joke” - instead he turned it all around and attacked you adding another level of emotional trauma.

Your DP is a thug.

His actions are indefensible.

Your child already has had a v tough start in life by being rejected by his own father - he needs extra nurturing (as evidenced by his confidence levels) - he does not need this thug in his life.

He needs his mother to protect him.

How long has this guy been in your child’s life. How has their relationship been to date?

Clue - nothing less than kind, respectful, encouraging and supportive is good enough.

I strongly suspect he was posturing in front of his own children making sure they saw him as top dog. You calling him out on his behaviour threatened the position he demands in the family. I base this on his refusal to apologise/and his instance on saying you were in the wrong.

Yeah people can get too much into the spirit of a game and do something stupid - it is how they react after that matters. I would have expected him to jump in, grab you son, say omg I 'm so sorry - don't know what I was thinking, so so sorry, are you alright - and help you calm him down. Not double down on what he did - not a good look.

This is only going to get worse in the teen years. honestly.

I would seriously ask him to leave for the moment (presuming he lives with you) and tell him you can all evaluate the relationship when things are less stressful.

It’s not a joke if no one else is laughing

Yes he was having therapy in year 7 got bullied a lot I worry about him the most out of the kids. He had about three months of treatment and was discharged I felt it was to soon but guess that's the system for you.
I do feel my partner was showing off and when I stood up to him infront of all the kids he didn't like it his kids were staring at me like I was the mad one their both teenagers and that I was over reacting too but they didn't laugh or anything at my son.
But I did feel like I was blowing it up when no one else said anything if you see what I mean.
He hasn't spoke to me since we had a click and collect shop he went to get that then dumped all the bags in the kitchen whilst telling me I humiliated him infront of everyone and that it was a joke.
The boys are asleep now not sure what is going to happen tomorrow now.

It's been six years they sometimes get along well sometimes they don't. He doesn't really get involved in my sons day to day life I do most of the discipline etc

How long has he been living with you?

@maria860

Well I just spoke to my two sons about it as were all upstairs and they said when his daughter was shouting the water at him he was laughing and didn't say anything but when my son did it he didn't like it that's what my other son said and said he treated them differently.

They are really telling you how they feel here. You have done nothing wrong so far but as hard as it is you need to show them you are 100% on their side and tell him to leave.

He moved in about 18 months after we met.

Such a mean thing to do- not at all funny or fun, and not someone I'd want around my son

In fact just thinking about it makes my blood boil, if anyone humiliated or upset my son like that they would be out of the door.

Does he like your children? Show them affection? Help them if they need help? Does he make any effort with them?
Or is he just their mother’s boyfriend who happens to be living in their home?

I know I feel the same I can't do anything tonight and he didn't come back from the shop till 8pm with the shopping so it kind of got left after that so nothing could be done earlier. I'm pregnant aswell and I was pregnant when I found out about my husband and at the same stage I am now and my son was born early with problems from the stress I was under and I can't do that to this baby. I have to try not to work myself up.

That was an incredibly dangerous thing to do. The shock could have caused your son to drown. You need to make that clear to him.

@LovingLola I think he likes them he gets on better with the younger one he isn't a affectionate kind of person really I've seen him hug them a few times not many. If my son has problems at school or is upset he does talk to them at those times and shows support. He can be really good in that way or with encouragement of the boys.
Don't know what else to say regarding that really maybe it's not enough

Get him back in therapy until you see a change in him

One incidence of stress won’t affect your baby. But you partner needs to step up now and eat some humble pie.

I wouldn't be happy with him at all!
Something similar happened to me when I was about the same age and I have a great fear of deep water now, the thought of the sea terrifies me... would you consider maybe have him doing 1-1 swimming lessons to give him a little confidence boost? (Obvs when all this is over)
Sending you a hug, sounds like he's put you in a bit of a predicament, last thing you need when your pregnant too

whilst telling me I humiliated him infront of everyone and that it was a joke.

So he gets to pout and sulk and not talk to you over his percieved "humiliation" but your son - and you - were supposed to think being thrown fully clothed in a cold pool by a grown man wasn't humiliating at all but just a joke.

I suggest you look at him very coldly and say "I didn't humiliate you. It was just a joke" and then get him to move out until you can sort this out. I'll tell you honestly that I am a woman with a very strong sense of how I and my children should be treated (thanks to my wonderful dad) and this would be raising all sorts of red flags for me.