Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

I found this really upsetting to read - your poor son. I think there are several issues that are concerning. Your partner overreacted by throwing him in the pool. He knew this would upset him but did it anyway. He justifies his behaviour and cannot (properly, genuinely apologise). Honestly, I think you would be wise to remember this. Don't dismiss it as your partner wants you to as you would be letting your son down. If you begin to see a catalogue of similar incidents, or the wider context concerns you (what's he like the rest of the time etc.) I'd question the whole relationship. You were right to defend your son as you did IMO.

@NoMoreDickheads but the cause of death would be ruled “asthma attack”. The cause of death was not due to being thrown in the pool. It would be a causal factor, but the actual death would be because of their core-existing asthma condition.

That is not a crime, whereas say someone thrown in a pool broke their neck & died the death would be be ruled as broken neck acquired due to being pushed.

I am 100% with you that it was a shitty thing to do, knowing he didn’t like water & was done in a nasty way. His behaviour afterwards reaffirms his nasty streak.

I’m only pointing out this wasn’t a crime, not trying to defend his actions or behaviour here. This is in relation to above post suggesting to call the police over this, which I personally think is Mumsnet hysteria & waste of police time.

Anyways I don’t think the OP is calling the cops here... so will stop clogging her thread with my debating semantics (sorry OP for discussion of death here, it was to make an example only)

I feel for you as you are in a difficult position here TBH.Your Son is a young boy who is a little shy and unconfident in the water.Your DP is a "big guy ,hes really strong" in your own words .You can see where this is going and its really not good! If he is putting his DD first and belittling your Son and you.You say you dont like to tell his DD off and he makes you feel bad about it .It is classic control , he is undermining you .The whole set up is not great TBH .He sounds like a stupid Disney Dad who wants to keep his own DD for a Princess ,and treat your boys as second class citizens!The main problem here is that you are pregnant and that is clouding your judgement .It is much harder for you to leave .You say the house is yours though .So you have all your Aces up your sleeve ! Be brave and tell your family what happened .See if you can stay with them or vice versa .You and the new baby will be in a compromised position and a lot of abuse gets worse after children are born .

Of course being thrown into a pool isn't necessarily assault. But fuck me - if you can't see the difference between an angry stepfather bullying a kid who hates water, and fun frolics between friends, then I dont know what planet you're on.

OP it's your house - you don't have to tolerate this.

You can tell him to leave.
The police will help you if you need support, especially when you report yesterday's incident

It sounds like you’ll be so much happier with him out the door. And as you aren’t married you don’t have to go through awful divorce proceedings, and I think you said the house is in your name?
I bet you will feel more secure and close as a family unit just you, your sons and your new baby. Yes you’ll have to see your hopefully soon to be XP, but that will be so much preferable to having to live with a petulant, aggressive, ego-tripping dick who holds onto rages, can’t handle any accountability, can’t communicate like an adult or even parent his own children.
You’ll be able to have a space in your life eventually for a man who does respect and love you and your children. The alternative is what? This dickhead forever? No thanks. You and your family are worth more than that.

OP you're so strong! Ignore the vicious posts. Some people act like it's a soap opera! Well done OP x

I cannot believe the amount of ppl saying phone the police!
And say what? “my kids were carrying in and my DP threw my son in the pool, please arrest him” he didn’t do it to assault or kill the boy it was a spur of the moment daft thing.
Yes it was unpleasant but ffs it’s not a crime.
In reality nobody divorces over the things MN suggest LtB for.

Oh op, I feel terrible for your son. Reading this thread as brought a similar terrifying incident that happen to me when I was 13, I'm 38 now and I still feel the same fear and I'll ever forget it.

Have you managed to speak to the prick yet op, I agree with pp and he is a bully and hes vile and obviously one rule for your kids and another for his, I personally would go pack his bags for him then show him the door. Hope your son feels better today @maria860

I was going to say if it were me he would need to leave for a while as him throwing your child in the pool, KNOWING he is scared and bad at swimming, has asthma etc is sick and cruel and fucking bullying. Something my father would have done, and he’s a bully. Awful.

But your update?! Inviting his sister round to slag you off? Sending you to Coventry? HE IS A HUGE FUCKING BULLY! My goodness ask him to leave today! I’m so sorry for you going through this

He really didn't like being shouted at in front of his kids, did he? It probably was humiliating for him, but he had just humiliated your son. Bullies never do like a taste of their own medicine.

@Gimmeashake

I found this really upsetting to read - your poor son. I think there are several issues that are concerning. Your partner overreacted by throwing him in the pool. He knew this would upset him but did it anyway. He justifies his behaviour and cannot (properly, genuinely apologise). Honestly, I think you would be wise to remember this. Don't dismiss it as your partner wants you to as you would be letting your son down. If you begin to see a catalogue of similar incidents, or the wider context concerns you (what's he like the rest of the time etc.) I'd question the whole relationship. You were right to defend your son as you did IMO.

Completely agree with all of this. Your poor son.

if your boys try anything with him he will put them in their place because he is the top dog.

This is how it is. And also he has to be top dog with you, so you can't tell his kids off even when justified, but he can put yours in their place and hates being challenged on it.

I know it's hard OP but I would tell him he has to leave and stay with his sister or whoever, while you think over what you want for the future.

I think you're a strong woman and yes you're pregnant and it's not an ideal situation but you can do this.

It's child abuse and your son could have drowned. Leave him.

@differentnameforthis

I can't think about what happened anymore I feel like it gives me the worse feeling ever seeing my sons face I feel so upset when I think about it I honestly do.

Then imagine how your son feels.

@Vik81 Let the dust settle a little ... If he refuses and doesn't see, then I would suggest some counselling ... My partner and I have fights exactly like this, it's horrible we say horrible things but the day after we are both reflective and work it out.

This WAS NOT a fight between 2 adults! This was an adult, strong male overpowering an anxious teen and causing him a great deal of distress. With all due respect, the two are NOT the same.

One act is not being a bully.
These things are rarely isolated incidents.

Sounds like your partner needs some training
Stop it. He's not a dog. He's a grown arse man who should know you don't bully one child in order to appease another.

You have your work cut out for you
Seriously? Why does she? Isn't her responsibility to "train" her partner into being a dad.

Your posts are full of excuses for a man who is being horrible - at best - to a child, and putting the onus on the op to "fix" this horrible man.

@maria860 I will speak to my son tomorrow and see what he says about it all once we have all slept on it
Your son will tell you what you want to hear...

@lunar1 - Please don't ask your son what he wants to happen, that's horribly unfair on him. You are the parent and need to make choices in his best interest.
This!

@BraveGoldie OP, It does feel like you and your children are very easily upset.
Nice victim blaming.

@onyxrose But I’ll be honest, you need to stop wrapping your son in cotton wool. Life is going to be really hard for him
And some more victim blaming. Do you know how hard it is for people with anxiety? It's got f all to do with "wrapping them in cotton wool"

I have asthma falling in a pool doesn’t make it worse?
He didn't fall, he was thrown in! And your triggers will be different to his.

@Fairybatman Op is QUITE clear it is NOT a paddling pool.

maria860 Sat 30-May-20 20:39:39 (opening post)
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.

and again:

maria860 Sun 31-May-20 02:03:45
It isn't a paddling pool it's a proper deep pool that was freezing cold

I'm just quoting this because it is an excellent post and should be read again. Completely fed up with the posters defending an abuser and blaming the victim.

Op I hope your son is ok

@NoMoreDickheads but the cause of death would be ruled “asthma attack

@vikingwife Ah ok I thought you meant in general if someone died from being thrown in a pool, drowning or hitting the bottom or whatever.

which I personally think is Mumsnet hysteria & waste of police time.

I can see how some could see it that way, but on the other hand I can also seen that it is abuse and OP (or another woman in her position) could well've chosen to call the police to stop her partner doing it again or demonstrate to all concerned that it's not ok. It can also be useful to have these things logged in case of any custody or other battles.

'Hysteria' is a sexist term BTW.

“my kids were carrying in and my DP threw my son in the pool, please arrest him” he didn’t do it to assault or kill the boy it was a spur of the moment daft thing.

@OtterBe4 We don't know his motives and he has form for being a nasty wanker.

@maria860 His slagging you all off to his sister shows that he has complete and utter disrespect for you all.

Hi op 👋

Granted it’s not the nicest thing to do and your partners refusal to apologise immediately afterwards tells me he’s a little on the mature side. But in the grand scheme of things, I don’t think it’s a huge deal.

When I was growing up, my family had a swimming pool. Outdoors. Not heated. Very big and at the deepest point, around 4.5ft.
It was installed when I was about 2.

Over the years I fell in that pool no end of times!

Sometimes in my best party clothes; sometimes the dog knocked me in; sometimes my gramps or dad threw me in fully clothed for a laugh! They’d let me push them in too. Sometimes I’d just forget the edge was there and just fall right in. Bloody cold!!

Whenever it happened, I felt shock but seeing my whole family laughing and grabbing the towels would soon have me laughing along too.

I’m not sure if my mother ever had cross words with my dad or her dad about the whole ‘family joke’ but I imagine she did (purely because of the sheer amount of wrecked shoes and dresses). If she did though, I never witnessed or heard anything, so it was never made into a big deal.

I guess what I’m saying is, that this could easily have ended up something to laugh and joke about, rather than something clearly so distressing, which would be better for your son. You can have your words with your partner on the side and let him know how you really feel. But children pick up on our emotions and if we’re panicking and getting upset, they will too.

That should say he’s on the immature side. Autocorrect 🙄

When he's got over blaming and sulking and minimising, you could tell him again - clearly and calmly - that he acted wrongly, and you are thinking long and hard about what kind of father he will make to the expected child as well as being sadly disappointed at his showing as a stepfather. If he wants a happy life and a good relationship with you, he will need to mend some fences with your DS and begin to build trust and warmth in their relationship. This is not about spoiling or spending money; it's about spending time getting to know the boy and understanding how he ticks. Your DP is the adult here and should not be using his superior physical strength to manhandle and frighten a child. If it was a game that went too far, he can stop sulking, tell your DS he's sorry and start working on that relationship. If he persists in thinking he's done nothing wrong, you need to consider whether you want put your DS, yourself and the expected DC through what the next years will bring.

Seriously DBML did you RTFFT!!

Honestly Op I wouldn't bother having a conversation, I'd just say "Pack your bags." Calmly and firmly, and nothing else, no matter what he came out with. He harmed your son and now he is devaluing and mocking you to his family, he is the complete prick.

For those saying the Police would not be interested because it doesn't constitute child abuse you are wrong. The Metropolitan Police website says abuse includes "throwing and drowning", it lists emotional abuse as "bullying, being made to feel inadequate, being made to feel in danger". In fact it reads like a list of what the OP's partner does to her son. She should call the Police, have him removed and get therapy for her son and herself. The child IS being abused and it's been going on for a while yet she seems either unable or unwilling to do anything about it.

I guess what I’m saying is, that this could easily have ended up something to laugh and joke about, rather than something clearly so distressing, which would be better for your son.

"Remember when your stepdad threw you in the pool because you're scared of water and he wanted to punish you, which made you had a panic attack and need 20 minutes of help to get your breathing under control, coughing up water and crying for your inhaler because of your asthma. Lolz what larks."

If your son was bigger and stronger than your dick head of a boyfriend and he’d picked him up against his will and thrown him in a freezing cold pool - how would he react?

That’s right - he’d hate it.

To do that to a step child opens up all sorts of questions.