Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

Also I feel really dizzy and have all day

Can you get your bp checked tomorrow @maria860?

OP I hope you can sleep tonight, I think most posters have taken this very seriously and so have you, I can imagine how scared and miserable you are tonight. Plan to get some advice once he's gone out tomorrow, decide on a course of action and how to get help and support. I've used this helpline before it was brilliant:

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

You could be dehydrated, plus of course don't underestimate the stress you've been feeling for a long time. Take care xx

Thanks I'm going to try and sleep now goodnight x

Yes, take action tomorrow to safeguard all of you. He is aggressive, controlling and manipulative. Not only did he put your child in danger and treat you with contempt, he previously blocked your reasonable attempts to correct his daughter when she belittled your son. He believes that both he and his daughter have the right to bully you and your children with no repercussions or consequences.

Good luck today op. You don’t want him in your and your children’s life, it’s not safe and he doesn’t love or care for you. He must think the baby you are having means he doesn’t have to bother anymore.

Good luck today OP. Keep talking to us, we'll support you.

Also I feel really dizzy and have all day
How are you feeling this morning @maria860 ?

Hope all goes smoothly today. 🌷

Suddenly being plunged into cold water, especially when the weather is hot is VERY dangerous. Many years ago I had a classmate who died doing this.

Here is an article about the dangers -

www.heart.co.uk/southcoast/news/local/heart-attack-warning-over-cold-water/

Good luck today

What a terrible situation to find yourself in maria860 you must feel like he has ruined everything.

Good luck today. I know it is a horrible situation but think about how much happier your children will be without that bully in their lives.

Don’t be frightened, ask for help and show this awful man that he can’t hurt you and your kids.

I was still thinking about this when I woke up in the night! He sounds awful and you have my heartfelt sympathy .If you are feeling dizzy maybe see your Midwife /GP for a BP check .You have had lots of good advice on here so I hope that helps you Sending virtual hugs to you xx

@DBML I guess what I’m saying is, that this could easily have ended up something to laugh and joke about, rather than something clearly so distressing, which would be better for your son.

Except the son was distressed as he hates water. Are you suggesting that op should have laughed at him, so he laughed too? Have you ever laughed at a distressed child? It does NOTHING to ease that distress.

The lad was treated this way as a means to stop him, and humiliate him. By an adult. This is NOT ok.

@differentnameforthis

When my son was little, like most children he would take a lot of tumbles.

When he fell he would start to cry. I dealt with this by cheering him and clapping “Hooray! That was a wonderful fall! Look at what a big boy you are!”
He’d stop crying immediately, sometimes with confusion as to why I was clapping and so happy...but he soon would get up, clap himself and run to me proud. Might not have been the right move, but he was a happy child.

I’m not saying op shouldn’t be upset with her partner, or sympathetic to her son. But I do believe that parents behaving hysterically can make kids behave hysterically and o don’t see any benefit of this for the children.

I would have laughed it off, insisted on DS getting to throw DP in, or chasing him to do it my self (joining DS’s team). And if I felt cross, I would have mentioned it later.

I’m sorry if you disagree, but I think the word abuse is thrown around without any real evidence and I think getting all hysterical and shouting is ridiculous.

The son is fine. If he can’t swim, I’d rethink having a pool in my garden.

DBML I'm not sure everyone agrees that teaching boys to ignore their feelings of fear and humiliation, to learn to 'dish it out' instead, and be a 'top lad' treating everything as a 'laff' is the way to raise the men we need

OP I have RTFT and I am so sorry for you and your son! Sometimes people go OTT in the heat of the moment but would feel horrendous afterwards - which he clearly does not! Not only the fear of water, but cold water brings on asthma attacks so that is just appalling.

Just wanted to say I am sorry for what you're going through, I think if you weren't pregnant this would be a lot easier. The fact they were slagging you off in the garden made me so mad! Thinking of you

@candycane222

Then we’ll have to agree to disagree.

And incidentally, if I’d had a daughter, I would have been exactly the same.

Cold water shock is a real thing. He may have thought the pool was heated so it wouldn't be so bad, but I think it was the coldness of the water that would be a big problem. Just thinking ahead, it would be worth you child proofing the area as you have a new toddler coming into the world

DBML you sound unhinged.

You won’t find one childcare professional who agrees with your emotional repression strategy.

And, @DBML, you are ignoring the fact that OP's son is asthmatic and that the sudden shock of being thrown into cold water could have had really bad consequences for him.

OP, l hope you are feeling ok today and resolute about showing your son that you have his best interests at heart, even if your DP doesn't.

I somehow don't think that a calm chat with DP is going to work. He can't change who he is, but you can protect your son from him.

Good luck!

I can't help but think DBML is being deliberately obtuse, but the more we @ them the more they will come back and explain their superior parenting method of trivialising a child's distress. They no doubt see themselves as some sort of Voice of Reason character

OP needs lots of support today and going forward, lets concentrate on that.

Some poor woman/man might get lumbered with DBML's darling boy one day.

Just imagine.