Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

Watch out for secondary drowning, op.

Can happen up to 48hrs after the incident.

Dry drowning and secondary drowning are both the result of injuries that happen underwater. Dry drowning sets in less than an hour after inhaling water. But secondary drowning, which is also rare, can happen up to 48 hours ... Secondary drowning is caused by water that accumulates in the lungs. It’s more similar to what we think of as “real” drowning because it involves your lungs filling up with water. The water then causes breathing difficulties. Both dry drowning and secondary drowning are serious health conditions that can be fatal.

This guys got more red flags than a May Day parade are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone who hurts your son for fun

The bullying will only get worse once the new baby arrives

What makes it abusive

Your partner knows your son is unconfident
He put your sons safety at risk to prove a point

He didn't apologise or even jump in the pool and get him out when he realised things had gone wrong smats of deliberately letting him struggle

Toxic masculinity and bullying will not help grow yours sons confidence

The lack of apology or contrition

I live in a country where being chucked in pools is considered a rite of passage. We also have more awareness that playing around the vicinity of pools is dangerous. We all know it’s fun & games till someone loses an eye.

The problem here to me isn’t your partner chucking him in the pool with his clothes - It’s that his immediate instinct wasn’t to help the boy, or show concern. A person with empathy towards your boy would have been saying sorry repeatedly in the immediate moment.

He wasn’t upset the game of “playing silly buggars” as we call it had gone too far. His priority was for you to not humiliate him in front of his kids. His pride was more important than his actions setting off your son’s asthma attack.

You mention his girls are not over much & he is different around them, they always get their way. This screams of a Disney Dad, those men are not good parents. They want the fun bits, but not the responsibility.

It sounds like he has an attitude that boys should be tough & that if your boys try anything with him he will put them in their place because he is the top dog.

You’re in a hard position being pregnant with him, assuming this is your first child together which complicates the matter.

If you genuinely feel he has a cruel streak (the ball incident was quite nasty as you describe) then you will need to weigh up whether it’s best for you & your kids to stay or leave.

What do you think his ex wife would say about him ?

Also I can see why another poster mentioned the cotton wool comment - but I think you’re hovering around your son providing comfort because deep down you desperately want him to feel ok after this incident, because if he doesn’t & is now upset with your partner it’s putting you in a hard position of having to choose between them. Especially with you being pregnant, it’s a decision you can’t really fathom. So you’re wrapping him in cotton wool (as someone else phrased it) because you’re trying to make it all better & go away. Because the only other option (ie leaving) is scary + unknown.

I speak from experience having been in a very similar situation to you. Please put your boys first or you and them will suffer years of heartache. It's not easy I know but don't live with those regrets. Show your children (including the one that you're carrying) that we can change things and are strong. Watch that 12 year old grow in confidence when he knows he's important enough to take priority x

You need to kick this man out.

I think you're even more vulnerable now you're pregnant. If you can leave this man you should.

Your ds is young enough to get over this guy if you stay only resentment and bad feelings will develop. Or worse your ds suffers mentally as well from the bullying. It's quite clear your dp has one rule for his family and another for his own. This will be highlighted even further in your current dc faces when your new baby arrives. Do you really think that he is going to blend your family together successfully?

Get out now when you don't have the issue of a newborn to deal with as well. Pregnancy is hard but to deal with this after the baby is here will be much much harder.

What was the other thing that happened yesterday op? Does it show a pattern of behaviour?

Hope you and your son are ok today.

@maria860 how deep was the water?

I’m not excusing for a second what your partner has done, but I can see how there could be a perception issue here.

You keep saying it’s a deep pool, does that mean a swimming pool, or one of those rigid sided and temperature of the two would also be very different in this weather.

I think that throwing someone in any body of water is despicable, but I can see a difference between picking someone up out of nowhere and throwing them in a pool that requires you to swim, and wrestling them into what is actually just a big paddling pool during a water fight.

If your son’s asthma is really well controlled and your partner has never seen asthma he may not have even remembered that he has it.

You also didn’t see the build up to the incident, you said you were in the kitchen and you can’t remember what you said to your partner in the aftermath.

I’m sure you also said that your partner has been in to your son to talk to him and apologise.

I’m not saying what he did was right, especially the way he behaved after, but was he reacting to you attacking him?

I’m just saying that the whole thing could look very different from two different sides.

OP did he get the inhaler for your son, or do anything at all to help?

Referring to the other incident you can't tell us about, and the ball incident, I think you know really that this is over.

He may feel the need to prove to his children that he loves them more, that they are his priority. But he can't do that at the expense of your kids.

I can't think about what happened anymore I feel like it gives me the worse feeling ever seeing my sons face I feel so upset when I think about it I honestly do.

Then imagine how your son feels.

@Vik81 Let the dust settle a little ... If he refuses and doesn't see, then I would suggest some counselling ... My partner and I have fights exactly like this, it's horrible we say horrible things but the day after we are both reflective and work it out.

This WAS NOT a fight between 2 adults! This was an adult, strong male overpowering an anxious teen and causing him a great deal of distress. With all due respect, the two are NOT the same.

One act is not being a bully.
These things are rarely isolated incidents.

Sounds like your partner needs some training
Stop it. He's not a dog. He's a grown arse man who should know you don't bully one child in order to appease another.

You have your work cut out for you
Seriously? Why does she? Isn't her responsibility to "train" her partner into being a dad.

Your posts are full of excuses for a man who is being horrible - at best - to a child, and putting the onus on the op to "fix" this horrible man.

@maria860 I will speak to my son tomorrow and see what he says about it all once we have all slept on it
Your son will tell you what you want to hear...

@lunar1 - Please don't ask your son what he wants to happen, that's horribly unfair on him. You are the parent and need to make choices in his best interest.
This!

@BraveGoldie OP, It does feel like you and your children are very easily upset.
Nice victim blaming.

@onyxrose But I’ll be honest, you need to stop wrapping your son in cotton wool. Life is going to be really hard for him
And some more victim blaming. Do you know how hard it is for people with anxiety? It's got f all to do with "wrapping them in cotton wool"

I have asthma falling in a pool doesn’t make it worse?
He didn't fall, he was thrown in! And your triggers will be different to his.

@Fairybatman Op is QUITE clear it is NOT a paddling pool.

maria860 Sat 30-May-20 20:39:39 (opening post)
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.

and again:

maria860 Sun 31-May-20 02:03:45
It isn't a paddling pool it's a proper deep pool that was freezing cold

Have you got people who can support you in real life? If I witnessed this behaviour I would be waiting for your call to support you out of the situation. At the very least you need to empty the pool and get rid of it but really you need to remove this very dangerous and bullying man out of your son's life. He will make his life a misery and it doesn't have to be that way. Your son can thrive under better, safer, healthier conditions

He's an immature bully.
Sulking and silent treatment towards you is ridiculous. He's supposed to be an adult??
He should be checking on the boy some and actually showing he cares as well as making it up to you for being so nasty.

His DD getting him with water and it was funny but your DS trying to do the same but he turned nasty says everything. A normal SD would have just got him back a little with some water. Just back and forth play. Like put some water in their bucket hats and stick em on each others heads. Silly like that but not pick him up and throw him in a deep ice cold pool.

I doubt your DC will be completely honest about him because they know you like him and they'll say they like him just to please you.

He's also a bit immature in having teenagers and leaving birth control up to you. He could have had the snip ages ago.

It's your decision but from what you've said he is a mean bully and a sulker when he doesn't get his way. That doesn't make for a good relationship.

Not the most pressing thing right now but later on, it would be good if you got your DS back into therapy. It could be the influence of your DP contributing to his anxiety.

It doesn't help giving the label anxious and low self esteem to him as if it is fixed in stone and there's nothing that can be done about it.
With therapy he can overcome anxiety and improve his self esteem.

The one on one swimming lessons when you're able would be good. He'd feel pretty pleased and confident overcoming his fears and becoming a decent swimmer.

Therapy can help him build better social skills too so he'll be able to make friends which will also boost his confidence.

Martial arts is great for building self esteem in children. My son went as part of his rehab after a brain injury, and it helped so much.

Anyway, best wishes.

Well I'm up now I've read all your replies and thank you for taking time to reply to me everyone. Now I've got to decide what to do from here.

Ask yourself would he treat his own children with this degree of callousness? If not, then he shouldn't be in your poor son's life.

How is your DS this morning OP? Is his breathing ok now?

I can understand you're in an awful position, but I have to say that I grew up with a stepfather exactly like your partner and it only got worse. It's left me needing years of therapy, did permanent damage to my relationship with my mother (she chose him every time despite him making my life a living hell) and very probably played a part in me rushing into getting married too young to someone who turned out to be a controlling arse. Please don't underestimate the damage this could do to your son. However hard it'll be if you leave him, if you stay it'll be worse.

People will help you. There's support out there, including Women's Aid. Hell, if you live anywhere near me I'd help you myself. Be strong for your children. x

If a stranger did that to your child, what would you do? And how much worse is it that someone who should care for him is doing that?

He needs to leave, to give you all space to recover from the shock, and you can take things from there. But he sounds like a nasty piece of work, who will alienate you from your children and damage them in many ways. FFS he only sees the injury to himself, not the damage he did.

And I second talking to Woman's Aid. You've already talked about other nasty incidents; you need to keep your children safe.

Kick the motherfucker bully to the curb.Now. You say your son isn't bullied but this is bullying 100%

OP I know you’ll be finding this really tough but please stick up for your son. What your DP did was cruel and dangerous. The incident with your other son and the ball is also a horrible thing to do to a child.

You said if he was nasty to your children again, he would have to go.

He’s trying to excuse his behaviour and make you feel guilty for protecting your child. Your children have tried to tell you how they feel (that he treats his children differently). How can you ever trust him with your children again?

I know you must love your DP and you are having a baby together. I know it is an awful situation, but your duty is to your existing children right now.

Please don’t ask them what they want to happen, they will say what they feel will make you happy. Be their mum, protect them.

Your poor son. How can you trust your husband again. This would be the end of the relationship for me.

Yes my son is ok we're going to the park in a bit so they can play football and I'm going to speak to him then when we're out the house and alone.
My partner is up but made a drink and went back upstairs and hasn't said a word to me still about it so he still thinks I'm the problem clearly.
I've been thinking what would happen if this was me that made his daughter cry and he would have me over hot coals as she called my son names before and I told her she spiteful and not to do that in my house. I don't let my kids call each other names picking on their appearance I'm really against it so I won't let any of the kids do it. Well she started crying ran upstairs and had a full on tantrum and I never heard the end of it I had the mom on phone saying I was nasty to her DD and she didn't wanna come over so my partner laid into me about it and said I had no rights telling her off well I treat all the kids the same and no matter who's child it was I would say the same and do it again.
So since then I can't discipline them and haven't so I'm always on the back foot so if this was the other way I can only imagine what would happen.
So in that respect I'm still fuming about it.

I think it’s fairly obvious what you do from here, but that’s for you to decide

This relationship is never going to work out OP. He blatantly favours his own children over yours which is expected but its to the detriment of your kids which is unacceptable and to actually bully your child to impress his own is unbelievably nasty. Then to go in a huff and try to actually blame you for the situation is downright disgraceful. I would be telling him to fuck right off.

What's the point of talking to him about it?

You know where you and your family stand in regards to him and his family.

The point is: What will you do about it?

Your husband is an arsehole