Would you be annoyed at this what partner did to son

[maria860]

We had a BBQ today stepkids came over and my partner and teenage son were having a water fight my son is 13.
We have a really big swimming pool what is fixed in the garden but the heater isn't working at the moment so it's freezing cold and it's quite deep aswell.
They were water fighting and it was getting out of hand and I tried to intervene at this point. My son is a young 13 very unconfident insecure and has anxiety he isn't a good swimmer and never goes in the pool like the other kids.
So my partner runs over grabs my son and throws my son in fully clothed. My son came up and was literally gasping for breath and had a full on panic attack and was crying and asking for his inhaler as he's got Asthma.
I got my son out the pool and he was beside himself I think it was the shock of it as the water was freezing. I shouted at my partner that he was out of order doing that to him and that I didn't agree with it.
My son was crying his eyes out and having a panic attack and I had to calm him down while my partner said well he was getting me so what did he expect wasn't even bothered I told him what a dick thing it was to do Beens as my son just threw a bit of water over him.
He didn't check he was ok or even apologise till ages after but he did say sorry in the end.
My son was crying in his room after for ages I think it hurt his pride a bit to maybe like I said he's been shy and not confident at all.
Well now we aren't speaking he said I spoke to him like shit and he didn't like it, well I didn't like the whole thing what happened full stop.
I'm willing to forget about it as he said sorry and hope he didn't mean to be an ass but he's refusing to speak to me at the moment and is sat in another room.
What do u guys thinks ? Hope I've posted in the right area

Your update today only makes things worse, OP!

I don't get why this needs discussing with him. You have one choice: your son or your partner. Choose wisely.

@differentnameforthis

Terrifying.

20 minutes of trying to regulate his breath.

Poor child.

Your partner would most definitely have been charged with something if he killed your son last night.

He acted with terrible aggression against a child.

I understand this is overwhelming for you.
But there are 6 pages of horror at what was done to your son by your partner.

You know well that yours is a toxic relationship in a toxic home.

You can stay, and hear and see the truth of the terrible damage your need for a relationship has inflicted on your children, in years to come.

Maybe you will deny it to them and claim you didn't realise how awful it was.

But you sound like a kind woman who does love her boys.

You will hold this guilt and live with it every single day for the rest of your life.

I have absolutely no doubt that whatever confidence issues and anxiety issues your son has, have been massively exacerbated by your relationship and him living with a bully.

You can deny this, but you know it's true.

Your child probably lives on his nerves and has a life of depression and MH issues to look forward to.

Therapy for him in the future will be full of his life in this toxic house and last nights incident.

I appreciate this is hard for you, but dear Lord it is so much harder for your children.

Wishing you strength.

Choose wisely?

There is no choice from what I’m reading.

@AwrightDoreenTakeAFuckinDayOff OP seems tho think there is. I don't see how it's a choice either but so many people seem to struggle to out there dc first.

These people (he and his ex) really ndibt sound like good people to be involved with.

You rightly pulled his daughter up for name calling against your son (the sane one he pushed into the pool?), something nasty based on his appearance by the sounds of it ... And they backed her and attacked you instead of pulling her up on it and trying to reach her to be kind/decent and not bully. You say he also bashed a ball out of one if yours find hands to give to her in the past because she was tantrumming about getting it (even though he'd just won it out if machine and naturally mightnt want UK have it over straight away). He should have reasoned with her and your son to share the ball after a sufficient time.

They are bad parents. They give bad examples, they back up tantrums and bullying. They favour their kids. He's bullied your son partly to look big in front of his kids.

They are shit people to have a blended family with.

It's a pity you're going to have deal with this guy for your daughter but all you can is hope he is disinterested and try to minimise the damage.

So I'm in the house and his sister just come over he's took her out the back making her drinks etc I'm in the kitchen I can see him telling her what happened and his face is all angry while he's telling her the story of his version of events I can see him clearly telling her as he talks with his hands. Then he did a crying gesture so I'm in the kitchen I've got the actual shakes while he's telling her a diluted truth of what actually happened and she's replying obvs on his side like always.
Their in my fucking house in my garden talking about me. My garden is huge so he comes in makes a drink and shuts the door I purposely went and sat on the patio closer to the house to make it uncomfortable so they couldn't speak any longer. I've come in now and their both still there. I'm upstairs just shaking with absolute rage right now. I'm going to tell him to fuck off today wish I wasn't pregnant dealing with this situation.

Oh my god. Just tell the vile bully to leave.

I'm so fuming I have the shakes and feel sick that I'm being slagged off outside and I don't want to say anything with his family here but it's so beyond rude.

I would’ve burst straight out the back door and told her EXACTLY what went on! Then told him to get his bags packed!

Your poor son. Ok so partner had bad judgement, but he should at least go and apologise to your son and check he's ok.

Has he ever been violent to you OP? Can you get some family over while you ask him to leave?

With his family there is the perfect time. They can take him away for you!

I know and I want to do that I'm just not good with confrontation and he's prob telling her his jokey side of what happened to make it all look ok I know how it is.

I'm going to go out now to the park with the kids and to get out for a bit. Will reply later

He's an utter wanker. If you get rid of him you'll be doing the right thing.

He's being wilfully blind to the impact of what he did. I bet he'd see it differently if a grown man had done that to his son at the same age. He does know he's done wrong, which is why he's telling his sister a lighter version to get her to back him up. Unfortunately he doesn't seem mature enough to say he got it wrong and try to make amends- he wants to make it all your fault.

I know exactly what you mean about confrontation. Maybe you could say that a few incidents, including yesterday's, have made you realise he's not the person you thought he was and that you need to put your children first, then say you'd like some time apart to figure all this out. He'll say you're overreacting, plus pregnancy hormones etc, but try not to rise to that.

At least you can get him gone OP.

Have you anyone who can come round to be with you later?

And yes to sheer’s last paragraph.

Haven’t read the whole thread, just the first page and last, so just seen your update (was going to ask if your DP knew about your son’s anxiety/ fear of water, etc. but reading your update it seems he’s unrepentant about upsetting your son and disrespectful towards you about it all).

So sorry to hear he spoke about you like that with his family in YOUR home. That must have been absolutely horrible to see, sounds like a good idea to get out for a walk and wait till they’re out the way. Well done for keeping your calm (outwardly!)

Do you have friends or family nearby that you can get support from?

Sending moral support!!

Non of my family live by me anymore it's shit.

That’s a shame there’s no family close by, is there anyone supportive you can lean on over the phone? How are you feeling OP? Keep talking to us here. X

I'm seething for you and your children reading these posts. I know it's difficult because you're pregnant but I honestly would tell him to pack his bags and get the fuck out. He has showed no remorse and is now slagging you and your child off in your own home about it! I couldn't forgive this and I suspect your children will have more to tell you about him and their feelings towards him once he's gone and they feel safe to express them.

The thing is, if a bully gets away with an incident like this, essentially passing it off as a joke, they see it as permission to escalate their behaviour. They slowly erode your boundaries until you’re left doubting yourself. They gaslight you, and those around you, (just like he did with his sister) into believing that you’re the problem. And as a pp said, abuse very often begins or escalates during pregnancy.

I come from a culture where we play around in cold water A LOT: every child in my family for generations back has been encouraged to do wild swimming, to swim in the dark, to dive deep down, to jump from rocks and boats; they have all taken badges which involve swimming with their clothes on in a cold sea. But there is one thing they have all been taught, at their first swimming lesson, and that is that you NEVER throw anyone in unawares. The last time that happened in my family, the culprit was a 3yo and he was taken straight home from the beach and not allowed out for the rest of the day just so he would be sure to remember not to do that again.