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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend flirting with my husband

122 replies

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 06:35

My friend has been going through a tough time in her marriage lately and has told me how she doesn’t feel loved/wanted by her husband anymore. I’v been there for her and comforting her etc and she’s asked is my husband is attentive to me. I told her he was and is very effectionate towards me and we have a good marriage. I now feel like she has started to flirt with my husband because she thinks he’s a good option for her instead of her own husband. She has started texting him asking for his advice about stuff in her home that he is qualified in, she even asked him over to connect something in her house (she lives a few doors down). He actually felt uncomfortable about the text and instead of responding asked me to respond on his behalf.

Then last weekend she asked us over for a BBQ and when we arrived at 8pm at night she was in her bikini 😡 neither myself or husband new where to look. Eventually she got so cold she threw on a hoodie over herself but her arse was still bare 🙈

now to be fair I was a little jealous cause her figure is better than mine and her boobs are bigger but without sounding nasty she hasn’t got the looks. I was actually so angry at her but she made herself look stupid and desperate, even her husband commented could she not go out some clothes on in front of our guests, she just ignored him. She has now asked us over for drinks tomorrow evening and I just know she will be in the same attire. I really like this girl and we have been good friends to each other over the years but I really feel she either fancies my husband now or she wants him to fancy her in order to give her a confidence boost.

advice please, how do I tackle this without much embarrassment on either side? My husband is now afraid to be in her company incase I think he is looking at her or something.

OP posts:

Persiaclementine · 30/05/2020 06:41

If shes that good of a friend I'd just ask her out right do you fancy my husband ? See what she says, I would be able to ask a good friend that, it might knock some sence into her. Or you could go round in something as equally revealing and see if she ups her game.

slipperywhensparticus · 30/05/2020 06:48

When she texts him he should reply ask your husband it's a bit pointed but it should get through

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2020 06:54

Don't go over for a while
Ask your husband to block her number and consider doing the same.
She's not a good friend to you

Original poster

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 07:06

@Persiaclementine I feel if I ask her straight out she’ll think I’m jealous which might actually make her more flirty with him. Does that make sense?? She might get smug and think cause I’m jealous I actually have something to worry about where my husband is concerned.

@slipperywhensparticus my husband is an electrician and she only ever asks him about electrical stuff in the texts, her husband works in a supermarket so that reply wouldn’t really work.

@shoxfordian thanks for reply. I know this is true that she’s not being a good friend right now but i still don’t want to lose her friendship. It would be a very different story if I thought my husband fancies her back but I genuinely know he doesn’t. I am definitely going to ask him to block her number though, I think that’s the most appropriate thing to do.

OP posts:

CuppaZa · 30/05/2020 07:10

Tell your husband to ignore her texts. She’ll get the hint.

Not much you can do about the clothes she chooses to wear in her own home. No point getting jealous

needhandhold · 30/05/2020 07:15

You could reply “thanks we’d love to come for drinks but only if you’re not in your bikini again! Sorry but we’re both a bit prudish and bikinis make us uncomfortable” be straight. See how she reacts. To be honest, I used to go visit a friend without a bra on. No malice intended I just don’t like wearing bras. I didn’t realise it was making my friend uncomfortable because she felt I was displaying too much nipple in front of her husband. She text to say “you can only come over if you wear a bra” it made me feel a bit oh...but then it made me realise that I should be a bit more thoughtful what I wear in front of other people’s husbands. So try the direct approach but with slight humour.

AnyFucker · 30/05/2020 07:18

Are you in the UK ? I can't get past the casual flouting of lockdown, tbh.

Kittykat93 · 30/05/2020 07:18

I had a friend like this. One night her and her husband were at mine and my (now ex) partners house, she disappeared upstairs to get changed and my boyfriend had gone up after to grab some speakers or something.

I went up the stairs and my friend had gone and asked my boyfriend to undo her bra for her as she couldn't manage it! I was absolutely fuming! I asked what the hell was going on and she looked sheepish.

Cut this friend out your life, you'll feel better for it. She would also walk round with her boobs pretty much out every time we went round, it was just uncomfortable.

Original poster

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 07:22

@CuppaZa he hasn’t replied to her texts yet and I know there’s no actually point in me getting jealous but it’s just one of them human emotions we feel sometimes so I can’t help it.

@needhandhold I’m sure i’v done the same by not wearing a bra to my friends houses at times but never thought anything of it 🤷‍♀️ I don’t think I would mind the bikini at all if it wasn’t 8 o clock at night and actually very chilly out so I feel she was wearing it for a reason. Also the fact that her texting him had started to bother me beforehand. We have been on hols with other friends and all women big boobed and small wore bikinis all day everyday and that didn’t bother me in the slightest, it was the normal thing to do on hols!!

OP posts:

evrey · 30/05/2020 07:22

I would have a one to one chat with her and make it perfectly clear that friends do not hit on other friends husbands, that you can see what is going on and that you are a bit embarrassed for her.

if after this chat she is still behaving in the same way then you need to put some distance between you both.

Onthemaintrunkline · 30/05/2020 07:24

I think we’d definitely be busy doing something else, anything, than accepting that invitation. She seems to be more of an embarrassment than a good friend.

Original poster

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 07:25

@AnyFucker no we are in Ireland and on phase 2 of returning to ‘normal’ life. For us that means we can now meet up with a group of friends outdoors while still maintaining social distancing and that’s what we have been doing since last week only.

@Kittykat93 OMG 😮 that’s all I can say to that 🙈

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 30/05/2020 07:28

Why do you want to stay friends with someone so disrespectful?

rowrowrowyaboat · 30/05/2020 07:29

Shes not your friend op.

Shouldershrugger · 30/05/2020 07:30

Honestly, I think your dh should tell her that her behaviour is inappropriate and attention is unwanted and disrespectful to you and him. Especially you. I worry that she'd be one of those people that won't back down unless being told straight by the actual person and if you were to say something you'd be the cockblock in her head.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 30/05/2020 07:31

Yeah, she’s no friend OP.

Keep @AnyFucker happy by socially distancing her to infinity and beyond

Original poster

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 07:32

@shoxfordian I don’t know to be honest. Maybe I feel sorry for her or maybe it’s because she has been a good friend in the past 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:

AngelaScandal · 30/05/2020 07:33

Ah here @ckdf1234 she’s hardly a friend is she. She’s either blatantly making a play for your husband or using you to make herself feel better. I’d be putting some serious social distance there.

Shouldershrugger · 30/05/2020 07:33

Also op, this woman is not your friend. A friend would love you enough not to disrespect you in this way.

Teacher12345 · 30/05/2020 07:39

I would say you will only go round if she covers up. That last time you felt she was dressing for your husbands attention and he wasn't comfortable.

emilybrontescorsett · 30/05/2020 07:41

I'd reply to her invite "no thanks."
Leave it at that for now.

Original poster

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 07:41

I know you’re all right but before all this she has been a good friend. I think her recent issues in her marriage have done something to her self esteem (no infidelity) but that is no excuse really. She shouldn’t be using me or my husband to try get some sort of confidence boost. Even if she just wants a flirt and would never go further, she’s hurting me in the process and if it continues it will end up causing problems in my own marriage.

OP posts:

Sugartitss · 30/05/2020 07:43

You’ll kick yourself when they start shagging op.

Stop being polite, tell her to fuck off.

One of my neighbours used to always come over ten minutes before my boyfriend was due home then a big heya when he came in. I ran her.

Another friend I marched out of my house.

I’m in Ireland also, another lovely day here op.

Original poster

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 07:50

@sugartitss loving the username btw 🤣 another fab day here, perfect day for bikini wearing 😜 seriously though the more replies I read the more pissed off im getting with my friend. I actually trust my hubby 100%, we’ve been together 19 years but I’m no fool either. Iv seen enough affairs through friends and family members that I know anything is possible so I want this nipped in the bud ASAP before my husband who is a man at the end of the day, gets intrigued by her flirtyness and ends up wanting more 😳

OP posts:

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/05/2020 08:01

You say you guys are good friends, so can you have an honest chat with her?

Something along the lines of "is everything OK with you? You've been behaving really differently recently - wearing that bikini all night even though it was cold, messaging my husband a lot more. To be honest, it's made him really uncomfortable. Are you going through something right now?"

This will (hopefully) achieve a couple of things:

remind her that you are her friend and a real human being, not her love rival
let her know that her actions are not subtle
snap her out of any weird fantasy story she may be telling herself about how it's harmless or (conversely) about some weird charged undercurrent between her and your husband
bring this out into the open so you can fix it. Sunlight is the best disinfectant for things like this.

Presumably, your ideal outcome is that she knocks this shit off, concentrates on fixing whatever is missing in her life to make her behave like this, and you can all go back to being friends?

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