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Original poster

Friend flirting with my husband

122 replies

ckdf1234 · 30/05/2020 06:35

My friend has been going through a tough time in her marriage lately and has told me how she doesn’t feel loved/wanted by her husband anymore. I’v been there for her and comforting her etc and she’s asked is my husband is attentive to me. I told her he was and is very effectionate towards me and we have a good marriage. I now feel like she has started to flirt with my husband because she thinks he’s a good option for her instead of her own husband. She has started texting him asking for his advice about stuff in her home that he is qualified in, she even asked him over to connect something in her house (she lives a few doors down). He actually felt uncomfortable about the text and instead of responding asked me to respond on his behalf.

Then last weekend she asked us over for a BBQ and when we arrived at 8pm at night she was in her bikini 😡 neither myself or husband new where to look. Eventually she got so cold she threw on a hoodie over herself but her arse was still bare 🙈

now to be fair I was a little jealous cause her figure is better than mine and her boobs are bigger but without sounding nasty she hasn’t got the looks. I was actually so angry at her but she made herself look stupid and desperate, even her husband commented could she not go out some clothes on in front of our guests, she just ignored him. She has now asked us over for drinks tomorrow evening and I just know she will be in the same attire. I really like this girl and we have been good friends to each other over the years but I really feel she either fancies my husband now or she wants him to fancy her in order to give her a confidence boost.

advice please, how do I tackle this without much embarrassment on either side? My husband is now afraid to be in her company incase I think he is looking at her or something.

OP posts:

Rollergirl11 · 30/05/2020 10:03

As someone else said you are keen not to hurt her feelings and keep your friendship but she isn’t affording the same to you.

I would speak to her face to face, say that you understand she’s having a tough time with her DH but both you and your DH can see what she’s doing and are embarrassed for her. It’s embarrassing. Tell her to stop before it has an impact on your friendship, which you don’t want to lose, but ultimately will knock on the head if she doesn’t stop with the cringey behaviour.

Tigersneeze · 30/05/2020 10:04

she is not your friend if she is hitting on your DH

Whaleoilbeefhookedagain · 30/05/2020 10:14

You all sound like nice people . Times are a stressful at the moment and she probably is looking for a little ego boost ,not worth upsetting a good friend .

SandyY2K · 30/05/2020 10:20

she probably is looking for a little ego boost ,not worth upsetting a good friend

An ego boost from her friend's husband, is not a sign of a good friend.

There is something called appropriate boundaries and that's not happening here.

In all the time you've known her, it seems strange she's suddenly started having electrical problems... and between her and her DH, why can't they do what everybody else does and call an electrician and pay them.

It's taking advantage of friends when you use their professional knowledge with such frequency.

I text my friends who are doctors for medical advice occasionally, but I'm very careful not to overdo this, because it's not fair.

NoMoreDickheads · 30/05/2020 10:25

I had a 'friend' like this. A very nasty attention wh*re. Her attention seeking messed with my life and relationship in numerous ways. And yes she would invite my OH to 'come round and fix her computer' and it was really obvious from her body language etc what she was offering him- other people were commenting on it.

She would also phone him behind my back. I believe they did sleep together in the end TBH.

The 'conquest' is an ego boost to these women and also they don't like to see other people's lives happier or more stable than their own.

She would also try and get us to go out on the pull with her separately, it was like she still wanted to live like she was in her teens/early 20s really.

I hope that your friend is just having a flakey moment rather than it being her enduring personality.

SnoozyLou · 30/05/2020 10:33

It sounds like she craves attention.
By kicking up a fuss, she gets it, deflecting her insecurities on to you I’m the process (she’s got the hump because I wore a bikini, texted her husband, etc.).

I would go with a simple no thanks to everything, and as your husband says, if she texts him, respond on his behalf. She doesn’t sound like much of a friend to me.

SnoozyLou · 30/05/2020 10:38

Are you in the UK ? I can't get past the casual flouting of lockdown, tbh.

Have you not turned on the news for the past week?

Sleephead1 · 30/05/2020 10:39

Maybe I'm missing something but if she is texting him about things to do with his job why would she txt you? Or why would it be suspicious? Say your a solicitor would you think your husbands friend who you also know was hitting on you if he txt you legal questions? The bikini thing in my opinion is fine it's a bikini its boiling hot and you admit you were jealous as in your opinion she has a better figure. Is this not a little over the top on your part ? If she is a good friend and always has been and has known your husband all this time is it likely that she would suddenly start to want to steal your husband? Maybe she was wearing a bikini because it's hot and she wanted too, maybe she wanted her husband to think she looked good ? Saying all this I pulled my dress up on the beach and was wearing bikini bottoms and had the dress up like a t shirt my cousin told me it made her husband feel awkward so I apologised and wouldnt do it again ( even though I think its silly) could you mention it to her if you are really upset by it? I understand some people are quiet awkward about this type of thing and can feel uncomfortable but in my opinion any of my friends being in a bikini is pretty normal

Helpusout · 30/05/2020 10:48

What laidback said. I think she's trying to get her husband jealous or make him realise she could go elsewhere and is still desirable. That or wants an ego boost

rainbowstardrops · 30/05/2020 10:51

I agree. I'd guess that she was hoping your DH would flirt back/comment, to make her partner take note. I don't necessarily think she's after your husband, more that she wants hers to notice her.

Noconceptofnormal · 30/05/2020 10:52

I don't think this needs to be escalated, I'd just both give her a wide berth for a while, I exoect she'll get it.

If she asks for your husband's help I don't think he should reply, and if she texts you then tell her that he needs to prioritise paid work and can't keep doing freebies for friends.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 30/05/2020 10:58

I’d be busy
For the foreseeable future !
Whatever her intentions are she has made you feel off
Life is too short for a friend that does this wierd shit

I’d truly back off for quite a while and focus on nicer family and friends

Whaleoilbeefhookedagain · 30/05/2020 10:59

@rainbowstardrops

I agree. I'd guess that she was hoping your DH would flirt back/comment, to make her partner take note. I don't necessarily think she's after your husband, more that she wants hers to notice her.

Nailed it

nolovelost · 30/05/2020 11:10

I wouldn't give it the attention and don't say anything other than a plain "sorry we're busy" or "caught up in...." (doing some painting plastering etc). She's definitely wanting the attention, either to make her husband notice her and react (as things haven't been good), and make other people notice her (like to say "see I am attractive, look at me, people WILL look at me etc). I you say something about the whole thing it will draw attention to it and she'll crave it even more.

Pretend it's not an issue. Don't give her the satisfaction, that's what she wanted, to feel wanted by her husband and to show that she's attractive to other people but she's gone about it in the wrong way.

She will only think that your husband fancies her in her bikini body if you bring it up, not that you both think it's inappropriate.

Continue to be her support if you want but don't go to hers whilst it's hot!!!! Leave a gap until next contact / messages and ask her if things are better, I would defnitely distance a bit.

Happynow001 · 30/05/2020 11:28

Even if she just wants a flirt and would never go further, she’s hurting me in the process and if it continues it will end up causing problems in my own marriage.
Then put your husband first, OP. Whatever reason she's behaving this way she's not being a friend to YOU and is also being disrespectful to her own husband. What does HE think about his wife's behaviour, I wonder - particularly after the bikini wearing at the evening BBQ?

I'd ask your husband to block her (and mute her on social media if she's on his pages). If she asks you why then be straight to her and tell her how she's being an embarrassment. It may hurt her but maybe she all start behaving in a kinder and more mature manner.

Truthpact · 30/05/2020 11:34

I think she wants her husband to notice her and think that other men want her. Unfortunately shes using your husband to try and get that. Not much of a friend really, she should just talk to her husband.

dottiedodah · 30/05/2020 11:38

I would simply say to her :Look Susie , Thanks for your offer ,but me and DH like our nights in really. Lockdown has given us both a boost! If she protests ,just tell her that you and DH have also got to get up early for work Monday .If DH blocks her then she should get the message loud and clear .!

billy1966 · 30/05/2020 13:22

Ask your husband to block.

I'd be mortified for her.

I wouldn't get into it.

I would just step back.

Friends don't behave like that IMO.

vikingwife · 30/05/2020 13:29

If you wanted to play it passive aggressive you could say you’re concerned as noticed a change in her lately & you + husband are worried about her mental well-being, as she seems to be a little unhinged.

Crystalspider · 30/05/2020 13:32

It's a shame she was a good friend but she no longer is, such embarrassing behaviour on her part. I would ask your husband to block her to give her a huge hint. I would rather have less friends that a crazy mare like that.

copycopypaste · 30/05/2020 13:54

I think your husband needs to set his stall out. He needs to text back and ask her to text you instead and not to text him directly.

If you want to go round for drinks reply with 'love to come over for drinks, but ffs put some bloody clothes on this time, you looked freezing ' if she's there again in a bikini just laugh and tell her to put some clothes on.

Bonzabaybee · 30/05/2020 14:14

Sorry, I don’t understand any of this post at all. You think your ‘friend‘ dressed in a bikini to catch your husband’s attention and is making moves on him and flirting with him? And you still want to all hang out? And not lose her ‘friendship’?

Being extremely generous, maybe she has completely lost her fucking mind and has become totally unhinged as a result of her own marital difficulties. But really, she seems to know exactly what she’s doing.

It seems a shame that you don’t feel you have better options in terms of who you spend time with. Maybe that’s the issue you should focus your attention on.

Arrange other things to do that don’t involve her. Laugh it off with your husband (he sounds like a good egg) and keep this creep at arms length. I’m not sure I’d bother having it out with her as she sounds malicious and self-interested, so wouldn’t be surprised if telling her
to back off spurred her on.

wasnotwasweregood · 30/05/2020 17:07

You sound like a brilliant friend OP and she's lucky to have you. But, you're being a much better friend to her than she is to you. You're tying yourself into a mental pretzel trying to puzzle out what she might be up to and how you can support her.
If I were you I'd back off a bit and not go round for drinks, not least because you said her text made your DH feel uncomfortable? I think your absence and some distance will say more to someone who is clearly self-conscious but not very self-aware than trying to talk to her about what she's up to. Basically her need for validation and attention seems to be overriding what should be her respect for her friend's feelings and marriage.

TheSecondMrsAshwell · 30/05/2020 18:02

Your DH needs to text her back and tell her that blue is live and brown is neutral, that'll sort things out.*

Seriously, suggest your DH just block her and ignore her. What's she going to do? Ring the house phone and when you answer ask to speak to your DH? Don't go for drinks - she's trying to make her husband jealous by flirting in front of him. Ten to a penny he's already noticed what she's up to and doesn't give a flying one.

*Yes, I'm joking.

Sugartitss · 30/05/2020 18:02

She’s not your friend op, she is dangerous.

Keep her at arms length. Actually just get rid of her.

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