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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Overreaction and confusion

112 replies

Chewbaccaswife · 28/05/2020 16:17

I would like to know if I'm ridiculous for getting upset, Because I'm feeling really confused.

Things havent been great during lockdown,I've never been enough for my husband sexually,hes always had a higher drive than me and I've never been able to meet his expectations. But lockdown has made it worse,nearly every word out his mouth is to do with sex or some sort innuendo. I cant walk past him or be putting washing on,cooking the tea or doing the dishes without him touching me sexually in some way. He wants sex all the time.
We talked and communicated and it got better.

Then something happened recently which has been playing on my mind.
Hes always liked to sort of play fight,tickle me etc,which he knows I dont like. That might make me boring and not fun ,but I just dont like it.

He started to try to initiate sex,I didn't want to,so he started to mess around play fighting and pinned me to the bed. I kept asking him to get off and that it wasnt funny and the more I struggled and got upset the harder he pinned me down, he didnt really do anything else and eventually I stopped struggling and he got up and we carried on with the day. He says he was only joking and it was just a bit of fun,but it really upset me. Am I overreacting????? I feel like an idiot for being upset.

OP posts:

Comtesse · 28/05/2020 17:53

You are not overreacting. It sounds very disturbing. He is pushing boundaries very hard, sounds dangerous. Trust your reactions not what this asshole is telling you - your reactions won’t lie but he will.

ThePathToHealing · 28/05/2020 21:36

That sounds really awful. Trust is really important in relationships which includes not pushing things too far and actively listening to your partner. I would be quite shaken up if it were me.

Have you spoken to him about it? What do you think he would say? Is your husband affectionate in a non-sexual way?

Original poster

Chewbaccaswife · 28/05/2020 21:50

No we havent really talked about ,he could see it upset me and kept saying afterwards you know I was only messing around dont you. I just agreed.

If upset he might be give me hug,but generally not really affectionate unless it's in a sexual way or leading to sex.

OP posts:

Smellbellina · 28/05/2020 21:52

If it upset you then you’re not overreacting

Dery · 29/05/2020 00:46

I say this to my DCs and it's a shame when you have to say it to another adult really but - it's only fun if everyone is having fun.

And actually using his physical strength to dominate you is really sinister. He needs to understand - nearly all women are at a physical disadvantage as against their male partners and are taking on trust that their male partners will not use their greater strength against them. In doing what he did, he broke that trust. That is really scary for you and you are not overreacting.

You also say:
"I've never been enough for my husband sexually,hes always had a higher drive than me and I've never been able to meet his expectations. But lockdown has made it worse,nearly every word out his mouth is to do with sex or some sort innuendo. I cant walk past him or be putting washing on,cooking the tea or doing the dishes without him touching me sexually in some way. He wants sex all the time."

And

"If upset he might be give me hug,but generally not really affectionate unless it's in a sexual way or leading to sex."

These things are totally not okay. My DH had a considerably higher sex drive than me for the first 10-15 years of our relationship - it's petered off somewhat now he's a bit older. He did NOT pester me for sex and he showed me physical affection without it having to lead to sex.

And really your DH shouldn't have 'expectations' - it's not your job to service him irrespective of your own needs. I'm assuming you had a sexual relationship before you got married (my DH and I lived together for several years before marriage), and that your DH therefore knew that his drive was stronger than yours, just as my DH did. His 'expectations' should be based on that.

My DH and I have basically met half-way on our sexual appetites - I don't always wait to feel lust-filled before having sex, but have affection-based sex with my DH because I am happy to do that and enjoy it, and he appreciates it.

You mention that you talked before and things got better. Sounds like it's time for another talk but it's difficult if he's inclined to minimise and also difficult if he doesn't show you affection except as a prelude to sex. That behaviour in itself is likely to put you off him and sex, not make you want it more.

If this issue is becoming a particular problem, and it sounds like it is, you might want to try some counselling around the issue and see if that helps. Is that something he would agree to, do you think?

EKGEMS · 29/05/2020 01:43

If any man I'm in a relationship with who pulled that shit they'd be an ex and maybe sporting a black eye and some missing teeth

Apple222 · 29/05/2020 07:41

This would upset me dreadfully. You are not overreacting OP.

AnnaNimmity · 29/05/2020 09:33

He sounds awful OP. I'd be more than upset and he'd be an ex.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/05/2020 09:53

You're not "being ridiculous to be upset".

You are living with a man who isn't affectionate to you except as a prelude to sex. He makes crass innuendos and continually turns the conversation to sex - that is your main function in his eyes.

The one day he took the opportunity to overpower you physically and ignore your distress. He says it was a joke, but actually it was a threat - he was reminding you, subconsciously, that he is stronger than you, that he is getting impatient waiting for sex, and he could just force you if he wanted to. So maybe you should put out a bit more, if you'd rather it didn't come to that. Then afterwards he badgered you to say it was fine, just a joke. But it wasn't.

This man is not a good guy. I think you should think hard about the relationship.

TwentyViginti · 29/05/2020 09:59

He sees you as a sex appliance to service him. Ugh.

Dollyrocket · 29/05/2020 10:05

You know this isn’t right OP, he has crossed a line and you’ll always know it now.

The question is, what are you going to do about it.

Personally I would find it incredibly draining to feel the relentless pressure to have sex, to give in to sex if you will.

Sparklfairy · 29/05/2020 10:11

He says it was a joke, but actually it was a threat - he was reminding you, subconsciously, that he is stronger than you, that he is getting impatient waiting for sex, and he could just force you if he wanted to.

This. I'd even go as far as to say he's testing your boundaries and he'll do it again to push them further, so that he can get what he wants when he wants.

Original poster

Chewbaccaswife · 29/05/2020 13:58

Thank you for all your comments its giving me lots to think about.

The poster who said "He says it was a joke, but actually it was a threat - he was reminding you, subconsciously, that he is stronger than you, that he is getting impatient waiting for sex, and he could just force you if he wanted to"
Has hit the nail on the head, it might have been a joke he might have only been messing around,but it just didnt feel right and I'm left feeling like I know he didnt do anything,but he made sure I was in no doubt he could if he wanted too.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 29/05/2020 14:12

I think I'd be saying to him, 'no, I don't think you were just messing around. I think you were skating very close to the edge of just taking what you want, regardless of the fact that you knew I didn't want it. And just to be clear, if you ever force me to have sex with you, rape within marriage is illegal, and I'd be pressing charges against you so fast your head would goddamned spin.'

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 29/05/2020 18:34

I think if you've feel you have to remind your partner not to rape you, then you need to get the hell away from that person.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, OP. Its not your fault and I don't think it's something you can negotiate your way back to "normal" with this guy. I think he is dangerous to me you, and I don't think that stern warnings about how rape is illegal are going to fix it.

mbosnz · 29/05/2020 18:36

@FineWordsForAPorcupine Absolutely fair and true.

Original poster

Chewbaccaswife · 30/05/2020 08:37

Its not that I feel I have to remind him not to do that. But more talk and discuss/remind him that sometimes I dont want sex as much as he does and the constant need for it to be the only he ,talks,thinks about can be too much for me,it can feel suffocating at times.

It just feels like I overreacted,because he never actually did anything, I feel like it's my issue for being melodramatic about it.

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 30/05/2020 13:41

I think he’s pushing very hard and was very close to raping you. I’d seriously be considering the future, OP. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?

category12 · 30/05/2020 13:56

This.

Don't wait for him to rape you.

category12 · 30/05/2020 14:07

If you're going to stay, you need to revisit the conversation.

He says he was only joking and it was just a bit of fun,but it really upset me. You need to tell him, "No more playfighting - I don't enjoy it and last time, you scared me. Don't tell me I'm overreacting or can't take a joke, it scared me / upset me / made me feel small, and you don't have the right to tell me how I should feel about it in your opinion. How I feel is how I feel. No more of it, or I walk."

category12 · 30/05/2020 14:15

he could see it upset me and kept saying afterwards you know I was only messing around dont you. I just agreed.

That was guilt/fear on his part, he knew he'd gone too far and was trying to get you to pretend what he did was OK really. You both know deep down what was going on.

redwoodmazza · 30/05/2020 14:29

That's horrible and making me feel very uncomfortable just reading it.

Original poster

Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 09:55

Thank you all for the comments,I'm reading them all.

Its been really helpful to be able to talk about it on here ,I realised if I hadn't been able to talk about it on here,I had nobody I could talk to about this.
I have friends and family I'm close too,who care about me. But I realised theres so much I dont tell them,the need to protect my husband and the perfect image of our relationship,makes me feel incredibly lonely sometimes.

OP posts:

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 31/05/2020 10:03

The fact that he didn't stop pinning you down until you'd stopped struggling is what disturbs me. It's a really clear message that he is in charge and you need to submit to that and know your place. Once your body language acknowledged that, he permitted you to get up.

I hate to say this, but your struggling probably excited him and turned him on as a reminder to him of his own power.

Original poster

Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 10:06

That thought ran through my mind too,but I almost didnt trust my gut feeling about this,I know how it made me feel and I didnt like it,But felt so stupid trying to explain why.

OP posts:

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