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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overreaction and confusion

112 replies

Chewbaccaswife · 28/05/2020 16:17

I would like to know if I'm ridiculous for getting upset, Because I'm feeling really confused.

Things havent been great during lockdown,I've never been enough for my husband sexually,hes always had a higher drive than me and I've never been able to meet his expectations. But lockdown has made it worse,nearly every word out his mouth is to do with sex or some sort innuendo. I cant walk past him or be putting washing on,cooking the tea or doing the dishes without him touching me sexually in some way. He wants sex all the time.
We talked and communicated and it got better.

Then something happened recently which has been playing on my mind.
Hes always liked to sort of play fight,tickle me etc,which he knows I dont like. That might make me boring and not fun ,but I just dont like it.

He started to try to initiate sex,I didn't want to,so he started to mess around play fighting and pinned me to the bed. I kept asking him to get off and that it wasnt funny and the more I struggled and got upset the harder he pinned me down, he didnt really do anything else and eventually I stopped struggling and he got up and we carried on with the day. He says he was only joking and it was just a bit of fun,but it really upset me. Am I overreacting????? I feel like an idiot for being upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 12:09

Vikingwife I dont think I could have written it any better,you have pretty much written exactly how Im feeling

OP posts:
vikingwife · 01/06/2020 12:10

Sorry to answer my own question here - when he tickled you & you stopped struggling to me that sounds like you possibly going either numb - or freezing which is a normal response (ie flight / fight / freeze)

You stopped resisting & struggling & went still. You froze in an attempt to just let it be over with. Your response was a classic reaction to a rapey situation where you had absolutely no control over being touched in a way you clearly didn’t want! Telling him no, struggling, that didn’t work. So you froze. When he was done having fun & touching you stopped being fun, he stopped tickling you.

You do sound young or worn down.

WinterAndRoughWeather · 01/06/2020 12:11

Who would it hurt and affect for you to leave? Why should their hurt trump yours? Does everyone deserve to be happy except you?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 12:14

Not that young at all!!!......probably more worn down.

We have children,wider extended family we have responsibilities too. It would hurt them and him.

It shouldn't trump mine,but I need to work on getting my head round that.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 12:15

Who would be hurt by you leaving?

TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 12:16

Oops x post.

Why/how would it hurt those people?

Extended family might feel a bit sad for you like if you broke your leg.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 12:17

I’m sorry you’re going through this & you sound like a really nice person. I hope you are able to be kind to yourself too because your needs & feelings are important. All the best 💓

Quartz2208 · 01/06/2020 12:17

OP definitely get some counselling (I have a feeling I recommended earlier) as a starting point of finding yourself. Learn that it is on him to accept your compromise and say what you want. If you dont want to do something say no.

He has a choice he can leave - what that be so bad?

And be wary though he just made a power move of asserting his dominance tread carefully with that

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 12:19

His family are very intertwined in our lives they wouldn't take it well.

I worry about damaging my children, taking them away from a stable ,secure ,happy life.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 12:20

You say he is not aggressive. I doubt it.

What if you told him his behaviour had shaken you, your libido has taken a nose dive and you need a full calendar month without sex / sexual touching / sex talk to reset yourself?

That would be a normal reaction. A normal male reaction would be to be sad, disappointed they made it happen, give you the distance you want and go full on in other ways to be nice like doing more housework, complimenting you, listening to you, little acts of kindness.

TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 12:21

If he does progress to raping you would you leave?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 12:22

I'm not going to do anything rash,But finding a counsellor to talk through this with is probably were I need to start.
Hopefully then I will gain the strength to make further steps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 12:22

Yes if he did something as overt as that I would be out the door.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 01/06/2020 12:24

Yes I think that is a good start and work on making your prioritise your needs and stop thinking of things as your fault.

You can make changes OP within this relationship and then it is up to him as to whether he agrees with them

Comtesse · 01/06/2020 12:28

You are not a sex bot. You are enough. He decides to behave like this - it’s not your fault.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 12:32

He doesn’t have to rape the OP because she is already compliant. We tend to picture rape as being violent. I have come to realise rape in a relationship can be achieved without all that - using coercion, manipulation, guilt, silent treatment to get you to comply. It’s the kind of rape you can’t report because where are your injuries? Hell maybe you had an orgasm during a rape.

Eg agreeing to have sex, but the sex doesn’t stop & you are done, they know you’re done, yet continue to drag out sex for as long as possible for their pleasure ? For me that was rape.

Someone in a loving healthy relationship won’t get it, because of course sex isn’t always about orgasming together at the same time, many times one person is finished before the other.

Rape in a relationship is often more subtle & they’ve trained you to lay back & think of England, or trained you to put on the elaborate sexy act you know they like.

Am going to step away now as this thread is triggering ! Wish you well OP.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 01/06/2020 12:51

You seem to be focussing on everyone else apart from yourself.
So what if his family are entwined, your DC will adapt like many kids do when parents separate. If your not going to leave then you need to be having a frank discussion with your DH. He sounds truly awful. I think your lack of interest in sex is clearly because it sounds like an ordeal. Not spontaneous, dressing up, long drawn out and sounds like a chore. Your not enjoying it and it needs to stop. Your a couple, speak to him and resolve it or this wont improve. You have one life-

My OH had a cancer diagnosis last year and we dont know the prognosis however it does give you a wake up call about your own mortality. I dont want to die being disappointed that my life wasnt as good as it should have been. Dont settle for living like this

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/06/2020 13:44

@Chewbaccaswife

Yes if he did something as overt as that I would be out the door.
It sounds like you feel like you need to justify leaving - you tell yourself that if he did something "bad enough" - something undeniable, black and white, no doubt at all - then you would give yourself permission to leave.

But if he does progress to raping you, it might not be a straightforward violent struggle. It's more likely that he will do something he knows you don't like "in the moment" then keep going until he orgasms, despite you either verbally or physically protesting. He might have particular acts or scenarios that you don't enjoy, which he insists on taking place more and more often. He might become even more unpleasant and unkind when you turn down sex, to the point where you are scared to say no - "consenting to sex" when the alternative is either overt or implied punishment is not consent.

And afterwards, he isn't going to admit it. He's going to blame a breakdown in communication, or that he was swept up in the moment, or that you've enjoyed it in the past, or that you should have been clearer or that you went along with it, and was he to know? Anyway, you're over reacting, it's not like he attacked you, in fact even hinting that he sexuallly assaulted you is crazy and just shows how unreasonable you are.

It sounds like your sex life is already straying into non consent - "going along with it" because you're scared of the repercussions if you don't isnt true consent.

I think finding a counsellor is a good idea - do you think it would be best not to tell him if you start having sessions? I'm guessing he will be very belittling/dismissive (he doesn't want you to have any point of view other than his) of counselling, and I expect he will be obstructive. Expect a lot of "last minute emergencies" - illness, childcare, his feelings, etc - which coincidentally fall exactly when your session is.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 01/06/2020 13:52

Also, OP, I want to tell you that you are brave and strong and smart - he has been doing his best to make you obedient and scared and so confused that you just do whatever he wants. But something in you is stronger than that. Despite all his mind games and threats and temper tantrums, and keeping you busy and exhausted with pregnancy and childcare and work and his family, you have still been able to work out that this isn't OK.

There is a spark in you that he hasn't been able to extinguish, and it will be the light that you follow out of this confusing darkness and into a better life. You can do it, OP!

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 14:01

Thank you I needed to hear that,strong and brave are not words I would usually use to describe myself.
I have already started searching online for counselling and it actually feels positive as strange as that sounds,It feels like a step forward,but one I'm making on my own for me. That feels good.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 14:09

The reason I asked if you would leave if he raped you is because that's now a realistic possibility.

Therefore you need to start planning for it. You clearly have not got your head around how you would leave, i.e how you would manage the children, finances, housing, relatives, etc.

You need to start that planning process. If you never have to use those plans then no harm done. If the day comes when you want to leave then you will be glad you thought it through in advance of a major crisis.

Plan for the worst, hope for the best.

TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 14:12

It's great you are planning to go to a counsellor.

How about you also shop around for solicitors? Go in and find out what would be likely in the event of divorce. Inform yourself.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 14:17

Thank you ,that is definitely a next step I need to think about,Luckily I have always worked and Im lucky to still be employed and have a job right now, It might not be the best job in the world,but I'm glad I have it as it makes things a little easier.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 01/06/2020 14:22

Why are you putting yourself down unprompted?

Why would you even think, never mind write It might not be the best job in the world

Do you diminish your achievements like this in your mind and speech often?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 14:26

It's just not a job that's rewarding or particularly interesting, it can be mind numbingly boring at times. But it pays the bills.

OP posts:
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