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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overreaction and confusion

112 replies

Chewbaccaswife · 28/05/2020 16:17

I would like to know if I'm ridiculous for getting upset, Because I'm feeling really confused.

Things havent been great during lockdown,I've never been enough for my husband sexually,hes always had a higher drive than me and I've never been able to meet his expectations. But lockdown has made it worse,nearly every word out his mouth is to do with sex or some sort innuendo. I cant walk past him or be putting washing on,cooking the tea or doing the dishes without him touching me sexually in some way. He wants sex all the time.
We talked and communicated and it got better.

Then something happened recently which has been playing on my mind.
Hes always liked to sort of play fight,tickle me etc,which he knows I dont like. That might make me boring and not fun ,but I just dont like it.

He started to try to initiate sex,I didn't want to,so he started to mess around play fighting and pinned me to the bed. I kept asking him to get off and that it wasnt funny and the more I struggled and got upset the harder he pinned me down, he didnt really do anything else and eventually I stopped struggling and he got up and we carried on with the day. He says he was only joking and it was just a bit of fun,but it really upset me. Am I overreacting????? I feel like an idiot for being upset.

OP posts:
C152H · 31/05/2020 11:54

Oh, OP, I am sorry you are in this situation. It worries me that you say, "it feels like I overreacted because he never actually did anything." He DID do something. He assaulted you. He used his strength to physically overpower you. You couldn't move, you couldn't fight back. That sort of behaviour is not acceptable - nor legal - and any adult knows that.

He keeps telling you he was only joking because he's trying to convince you that you're the one in the wrong, you're the one overreacting. You are not. Please don't minimise what happened. What if he doesn't stop next time? What if a stranger had done this? They would be charged.

Please talk to someone about your situation and keep safe. x

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 15:11

I'm easily convinced that I'm in the wrong!!! I find it hard to trust how I feel and not to worry that I'm overacting and being silly.

I just end up feeling totally confused.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2020 15:44

Do you know where this stems from?

Do you have trouble saying no, standing up for yourself, keeping boundaries with everyone? Or just your dh?

Are you a people-pleaser? Do you feel guilty if you have to say no to someone even if it's something you really can't do? What are you afraid would happen if you are assertive?

If so, has it always been the case, or have your boundaries been eroded?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 16:06

Not sure exactly where it stems from,I dont find it easy saying no to anybody not just him.

I'm very much a people pleaser,I hate saying no and feel a lot of guilt ,even if its something I really cant or dont want to do.

I think it's always been there,although when I was a teenager/young adult I was more able to stand up for myself and say no, if I felt strongly enough. But my people pleasing,fear of confrontation,not saying no has definitely got worse over the years.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 31/05/2020 17:04

What is he like if you don't want to have sex or perform a certain act? Do you ever do things you don't want to to stop him flying off the handle or giving you grief?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 17:26

He doesn't get angry about things ,he tends to sulk and go quite,sometimes can be a little mean,withdraws affection. Can give me the silent treatment very well!!! But denys hes doing it.

He says that the way he deals with things, is in a quiet way and its better than being angry and aggressive.

OP posts:
cheesyrats · 31/05/2020 18:04

@Chewbaccaswife

He doesn't get angry about things ,he tends to sulk and go quite,sometimes can be a little mean,withdraws affection. Can give me the silent treatment very well!!! But denys hes doing it.

He says that the way he deals with things, is in a quiet way and its better than being angry and aggressive.

Not being a sex abuser at all would be better still. Withdrawal of affection and the silent treatment are abuse too. The denials are gaslighting.

He physically dominates you so he has been aggressive. What else would you call it when he pinned you down that time and wouldn't let you go?

If you had a female friend or relative in a relationship, what advice would you give her if she came to you and told you what her partner was like?

category12 · 31/05/2020 18:09

The silent treatment and withdrawal of affection can be emotional abusive.

He does a lot of telling you how you should feel/react, doesn't he? The silent treatment is better than aggression Hmm - isn't that a false dichotomy? Aren't there more than two ways of responding to disagreement?

He means holding you down as a joke, so that's the way you should feel about it. Hmm

His narrative is , your feelings are always wrong/misplaced/overreactions.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 18:18

I guess I struggle to see it as aggressive because ,I'm unsure of the intent behind it,I know how it made me feel,But its easier to believe he was joking,playing, messing around ,then face it ,because then I'd have to think about what his intentions behind it really was.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 31/05/2020 18:23

He will do it again.

category12 · 31/05/2020 18:26

He crossed a line, OP, and he knew it, that's why he kept going on about it just being messing about, until you agreed.

It's much easier to cross that line again and beyond once you've done it once and been given a pass.

ZooKeeper19 · 31/05/2020 22:07

If upset he might be give me hug,but generally not really affectionate unless it's in a sexual way or leading to sex.

I was in a relationship like this. It was horrible and led to non-consensual sex (call it what you want) and I eventually left. It was not healthy. Please consider if this is a man you want around potential children. Emotionally cold and expecting you to serve his needs but not vicce versa.

cheesyrats · 31/05/2020 23:39

@Chewbaccaswife

Yes vikingwife he does,it goes on forever and he likes me dressing up and to make it this elaborate lengthy session,Your right sometimes I might be up for it more ,if I didnt feel like it had to be a huge lengthy performance!!!!
Are you a willing partner throughout? Because if not, then it's rape.
Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 08:43

I'm probably not as willing or enthusiastic as I want or he would like me to be right now,my libido has just taken a nosedive in the last couple of months and Iam really struggling to want it at all.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2020 09:02

I'm not surprised. Is there anything less sexy than being pawed at, and sex being a performance?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 09:14

No category12 I dont think there is!!!! This thread has really made me think,I'm not happy,Not sure what Iam going to do about that yet. But its helping me realise, It might not be me ,or my fault.

OP posts:
Comtesse · 01/06/2020 10:18

Doesn’t sound like there is anything wrong with you. Him, on the other hand...... sounds pretty awful.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 10:36

We have been together such a long time, He was such a kind ,respectful ,nice man when we first got together ,I dont recognise that person,the way he is now,Partly why I feel I have some how turned him in to this different person,because I'm not enough for him.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/06/2020 10:50

I read a list of potential boundaries for relationships recently, and the top one was:

  • I am not responsible for someone else's behaviour.
Quartz2208 · 01/06/2020 10:51

Where you young when you got together OP

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 10:54

Yes I was a teenager, so was he although a couple of years older.

OP posts:
Whatisthisfuckery · 01/06/2020 11:49

He’s sexually and emotionally abusive OP. PPs are right, he pinned you down because he wanted to demonstrate how powerless you are against him. It says something about the way he thinks about you for that to ever cross his mind.

You say you were more assertive when you were younger. Would your increasing lack of ability to say no in any way coincide with your relationship with him? I was in an abusive relationship and I went from quite a bad ass take no shits person to a meek little mouse scared to disagree or say no after I met my XH, so it’s true that a partner can very much cause a change in what you will tolerate. Abusive partners have a very subtle way of constantly undermining you, dismissing your feelings and telling you that what you feel is wrong to the point where your self esteem hits rock bottom. You end up just being a passenger in your own life, doing and saying what your partner wants so that they show you the love and affection you got when you first met. You start to see love and affection as a reward for doing what they want, or more accurately, you do what they want because you know they’ll withdraw otherwise.

Sulking and silent treatment is aggression, it’s passive aggression. It’s a way of saying, ‘you aren’t doing as I say so I will deny you any attention or affection.’ What it really means is ‘do what I want in order to earn my attention and affection.’ You shouldn’t have to earn affection from your partner by compliance, a good partner would give it to you anyway, and the times when you disagree or one of you isn’t up for sex would be worked through, respected and accepted.

Please try to seek some sort of counselling for yourself, not with him. You are not wrong, abnormal or unreasonable for not wanting sex all the time, especially when you’re made to feel like a sex doll, that would turn anybody off.

This won’t get better OP. You still sound quite young so please don’t waste your life being made to feel like you have no right to live it as you choose. It might take a while to get to a point where you feel strong enough to leave, but I think you’ll get there, but in the mean time you need to seek help in order to build your self esteem, rediscover your own identity and learn to create and maintain healthy boundaries to protect yourself. you are worth so much more than being somebody’s sex doll and you deserve somebody that will make you happy.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 12:00

It’s pretty unfair to insist on sex a partner doesn’t want & expecting them to put on a performance for you & be enthusiastic enough - seems like he doesn’t care about your actual enjoyment, it’s all about what he wants, his kinks, his pleasure. He doesn’t care you have to put on act for him, as long as he gets his end away.

Do you ever feel numb OP? When I was in your situation it took a long time to acknowledge my feelings. Came to realise I felt numb sometimes & it was my mind’s way of protecting itself from feeling traumatised.

The tickling is not nothing - it’s part of a continued pattern of him invading your personal space, not respecting when you don’t feel like being touched/pawed at.

I am sure in time (if not already) you will find yourself tensing up when he walks past, anticipating that he is going to always touch you & it turning sexual. Recoiling or skin crawling at his touch... Or feeling numb & not knowing why

The problem is also not touching your partner - touch is a great form of intimacy. Problem is when those touches always lead to trying to start sex. Then they lose their loving meaning & become unwanted/intrusive. I actually quite like a little playful bum slap, am not a ‘prude’ but when those touches always seem turn into sexual contact I can’t put a stop to, that’s when it becomes a problem. A lingering kiss is lovely. Knowing that every time you kiss your partner they will end up humping your leg is a turn off. It’s the feeling of knowing you have no control to stop, that it’s going to lead to you having to shoo him off - that’s so not right. It’s feeling like you’re a prude for not wanting sex when you DO want & have sex. You feel bad for not being able to keep up - my heart hurts for you as felt that also.

I want to add that my sex pest rapist strongly identifies as a progressive left wing male feminist, incredibly intelligent & well mannered / sociable. Nobody will ever believe he was raping me & touching me in my sleep.

The beginning of the end was waking up with his fingers inside me yet again & I lost it - punched him. Funny his ‘sexomnia’ magically cured itself after I punched him/ defended myself.

vikingwife · 01/06/2020 12:05

Adding that sulking & silent treatment is a form of control & is abusive. He is using silence to control you into complying with him in future. Feeling ignored & shut out hurts. It makes him the focus so you have to fuss over him & pull him out of his mood.

There is a difference between needing quiet time to get over something & silent treatment.

With your nature of putting yourself last & feeling insecure his silent treatment works a charm.

I advise you seek therapy to help you find confidence, learn your feelings & be able to start trusting yourself.

It is OK to not feel OK about this !

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 01/06/2020 12:06

Whatisthisfuckery that resonated so much with me.
Yes I have changed since we met,my family would have said I was quite feisty when I was younger!!!!!!

I saw a counsellor a while ago,but dont think I was really ready to address it ,so it was pointless,I couldn't say anything bad about him,I didn't want to admit anything was wrong.
But think it's time to face it head on and see what happens.
In my gut, if I could just do what I wanted and I knew it wouldn't hurt or affect anyone else. I'd leave.

OP posts: