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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Overreaction and confusion

112 replies

Chewbaccaswife · 28/05/2020 16:17

I would like to know if I'm ridiculous for getting upset, Because I'm feeling really confused.

Things havent been great during lockdown,I've never been enough for my husband sexually,hes always had a higher drive than me and I've never been able to meet his expectations. But lockdown has made it worse,nearly every word out his mouth is to do with sex or some sort innuendo. I cant walk past him or be putting washing on,cooking the tea or doing the dishes without him touching me sexually in some way. He wants sex all the time.
We talked and communicated and it got better.

Then something happened recently which has been playing on my mind.
Hes always liked to sort of play fight,tickle me etc,which he knows I dont like. That might make me boring and not fun ,but I just dont like it.

He started to try to initiate sex,I didn't want to,so he started to mess around play fighting and pinned me to the bed. I kept asking him to get off and that it wasnt funny and the more I struggled and got upset the harder he pinned me down, he didnt really do anything else and eventually I stopped struggling and he got up and we carried on with the day. He says he was only joking and it was just a bit of fun,but it really upset me. Am I overreacting????? I feel like an idiot for being upset.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2020 10:10

But I realised theres so much I dont tell them, the need to protect my husband and the perfect image of our relationship, makes me feel incredibly lonely sometimes.

What else goes on that you need to hide?

You realise he shouldn't need you to cover up for him?

Are you afraid that if your friends and family knew what went on in your marriage, they'd press you to leave? That once said, there's no going back?

Aerial2020 · 31/05/2020 10:10

Are you scared of him OP?
It sounds very scary to be put in that position.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 10:18

I dont know why I dont talk them about my relationship,I dont think it's that bad ,But I guess there is that sense of once said you cant take it back. I dont want anyone to think bad of him or us.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 31/05/2020 10:22

Maybe re read your initial post OP and then ask yourself if your relationship 'isn't that bad'
It seems like you are minimising this when you know deep down what he has done is wrong.
Things like this wont go away, they will prob increase.
It must be very hard to know what to do right now but keep posting.

Quartz2208 · 31/05/2020 10:24

I think the fact that you cant talk about it means that there is a lot more wrong than just this or what goes on in a normal relationship OP.

The fact that he play fights when he knows you dont like it speaks volumes. Also no relationship is perfect

Are you happy?

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 10:26

It is hard, right now I just feel confused,He does so many nice things for me too,He can be such a lovely, kind, caring sweet man,I guess that's the person I'm protecting.
Sometimes he acts in ways that confuse me and I find it hard to connect the two.

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2020 10:27

I can remember hiding a lot from my family about the relationship I was in - we really appeared a happy loved up couple, and it was important to me somehow. People would say what a great couple we were and stuff. In retrospect, there was a hell of a lot wrong in it tho, and I was quite ashamed.

Quartz2208 · 31/05/2020 10:28

What ways OP?

Do you always prioritise his needs. Its interesting that you think the problem is you are not enough for him not that he has puts his needs way above yours?

cheesyrats · 31/05/2020 10:29

He's a sex pest, he constantly sexually assaults you despite you telling him to stop, and he's made it quite plain that he is more than capable of taking what he wants whether you like it or not. He is a rapist in waiting.

You are being abused, both physically and emotionally.

Please do the only thing you possibly can in this situation, and make plans to split up. Flowers

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 10:32

Yes I do tend to prioritise his needs,I have a tendency to prioritise everybody's needs above my own!!!!

I guess I just figured I was the problem because I have the lower drive ,that he was having to settle or compromise.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 31/05/2020 10:33

That's what abusers do though. They act lively and nice sometimes so you are confused when an abusive act happens because 'hes not like that '
But he is. He keeps you confused so you feel like you're going mad and it's all in your head. He convinces you what he does is ok because he's a' nice guy '.
Then you feel it's your fault or you made it happen.
It's not ok. Pinning you done is not ok. It's power and control.

Aerial2020 · 31/05/2020 10:34

*down

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2020 10:37

It's not you it's him. Why are you with him, he sounds fucking horrible.

Quartz2208 · 31/05/2020 10:40

Yes and I think here you really do need to start thinking about your own.

You are compromising on your needs to meet his and still he doesnt make you feel that is enough - where is he trying to meet your needs.

Do you have children?

category12 · 31/05/2020 10:41

No, you having a lower drive means he should go have a wank, not grope you or put pressure on you.

And in fact, sexually harassing you is likely to squash any sex drive you do have. It's more about power than trying to spark sexual interest from you.

Dery · 31/05/2020 10:43

“I guess I just figured I was the problem because I have the lower drive ,that he was having to settle or compromise.”

@Chewbaccaswife - at the risk of self-publicising(!) - can I ask you to take another look at my earlier post which dealt with exactly this because my DH and I also have a significant mismatch in sex drives (many couples do) but my DH does not pester me. After all - assuming you were intimate before marriage, he would know his drive was higher. It’s NOT something you need to make up for - compromise comes from both sides.

Dery · 31/05/2020 10:48

And my DH has never pinned me down. You definitely - at the very least - need to put some boundaries in place.

And why don’t you trust your perception of what happened? It was done to you. Your perception takes priority over his - it’s not his call on whether or not it was okay, it’s yours.

vikingwife · 31/05/2020 10:55

He’s a sex pest. They’re always the ones that touch you inappropriately when you’re doing some chore in the kitchen & all their physical affection is underpinned by wanting sex out of the interaction.

Tickling is a form of torture. Because he has a history of touching you unwontedly that’s why this has bothered you so much. People who don’t ‘get it’ will see the tickling as harmless but it’s not. He knows this is something you don’t like but did it anyway because it was fun for him. You’re pinned down begging for him to stop & he is not. No wonder your subconscious is telling you this isn’t right.

Sex pests are awful. You feel reduced to tits & a hole on legs. Sex should not be something he gets out of you. It’s something you do together. A partner isn’t someone who gives you sex because they’re your partner. People are not objects.

I’m sure he is wonderful in other areas. They usually are or you’d leave. But sex is a vital thing in a relationship & as such his off behaviour is causing a major rift...

If the relationship is worth continuing in, he will stop doing this when you give him the ultimatum that his behaviour stops right now or he can piss off. If he lacks real respect for you then he will not see anything wrong with his behaviour & he won’t adapt/change his gross ways.

It’s this kind of thing that will give you the ick.

You don’t mention how often a week you have sex, just that his drive is higher. I predict you will come back & sat you have sex several times a week already, this is not a Sexless relationship & your husband is not sex starved.

I have been in your place & feeling like you can’t keep up with his sexuality - I read that as you give your all, try your best & he still wants more kink from you, more frequency & his sexual tastes sometimes include things you don’t like to do. Or he asks for things you don’t want. That’s being sexually exploitive.

My skin crawls at these sex pests... I am sorry can’t be more helpful & hope have not projected too much here.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 10:57

Dery that's a really interesting question,I dont know why I dont trust my perception, I cant answer that,I just worry about making a big deal out of insignificant things and ruining a good thing,by not being "normal".

I definitely feel like my lower drive is something I should make up for,I dont know where that comes from, but I feel bad about it and feel like I should make it better.

OP posts:
vikingwife · 31/05/2020 10:59

Also one more thing when you do have sex does he edge at all ? Edging is like dragging out the sex for as long as possible, wanting these hour long sessions etc... I find sex pests routinely do this & it’s so counterproductive - I would be ok with a quickie but knew his advances would just lead to sex that went way longer than I wanted. He would want me to orgasm several times, so he felt like this god. My orgasms fed into him feeling like a sexual hero, it wasn’t about giving me lots of pleasure...

I am damaged in that now if I have sex, I tell partners they must not hold off their orgasms, because if it goes on too long I start to have a panic attack & feel like I’m being raped again. My rapist was my sex pest boyfriend so am really hypersensitive to this, sorry.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 11:01

You havent projected at all vikingwife it was really helpful to hear from someone who's been in a similar position.

We probably have sex at the least twice a week,but he would probably prefer it at least twice or multiple times a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 11:04

Yes vikingwife he does,it goes on forever and he likes me dressing up and to make it this elaborate lengthy session,Your right sometimes I might be up for it more ,if I didnt feel like it had to be a huge lengthy performance!!!!

OP posts:
category12 · 31/05/2020 11:05

We probably have sex at the least twice a week,

You have a perfectly normal sex life then, as a couple. (Apart from his behaviour - not normal).

Do you do it because you want to, or because he makes life hell if you don't?

His sex drive is very high and you shouldn't feel you have to keep up with it.

Original poster
Chewbaccaswife · 31/05/2020 11:05

I'm sorry that you have had such a horrid time viking wife,thank you so much for taking the time to share.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 31/05/2020 11:32

Yes there is nothing wrong with you at all - twice a week sounds perfectly normal. What doesnt is he need to make you perform. Hold on you said he makes you feel like you arent normal - but you are it is his needs that dont tally with well life. He should be compromising around that and not expecting you to be front and centre

What are other things you feel are insignificant

OP there is a lot wrong with this relationship but I also think that you could do with some counselling as well. I get the sense that you feel it is all on you, you prioritise his needs and you need people to think it is perfect when it isnt. It doesnt even remotely sound good