Overreaction and confusion

[Chewbaccaswife]

I would like to know if I'm ridiculous for getting upset, Because I'm feeling really confused.

Things havent been great during lockdown,I've never been enough for my husband sexually,hes always had a higher drive than me and I've never been able to meet his expectations. But lockdown has made it worse,nearly every word out his mouth is to do with sex or some sort innuendo. I cant walk past him or be putting washing on,cooking the tea or doing the dishes without him touching me sexually in some way. He wants sex all the time.
We talked and communicated and it got better.

Then something happened recently which has been playing on my mind.
Hes always liked to sort of play fight,tickle me etc,which he knows I dont like. That might make me boring and not fun ,but I just dont like it.

He started to try to initiate sex,I didn't want to,so he started to mess around play fighting and pinned me to the bed. I kept asking him to get off and that it wasnt funny and the more I struggled and got upset the harder he pinned me down, he didnt really do anything else and eventually I stopped struggling and he got up and we carried on with the day. He says he was only joking and it was just a bit of fun,but it really upset me. Am I overreacting????? I feel like an idiot for being upset.

Your feelings are really important, OP. They are who you are. If you hide them, or feel negative about yourself for having them, you become inauthentic, and feel yourself, as you have, on shaky ground. Learn to listen to your feelings, learn to respect them, and don't spend time with anybody else who doesn't respect them.

I needed counselling to learn this for myself. I highly recommend it, and am glad to hear you're looking into it.

Yeah but why offer up that the job is a bit crap? What's relevant is that you have a job, which is more than many people have. What I mean is why would you talk up the bad but not the good? You have a stable independent income. That's great.

Are you not allowed to seek and celebrate the good stuff you do? Whose voice is in your head telling you not to get big-headed, dragging you down? Is it your mum's voice, your DH's voice, someone else?

Is there anyone you can stay with for a week or so? It would give you a chance to think clearly and work out a way forward.

But your kids aren't in a safe and happy home.
It isn't happy. It isn't secure. Their mother is being abused.
Let that sink in. Stop defending him. Fons your anger.
Once you start counselling, which is a great step, something will click. The anger of being treated like this will come.
Then you can action what to do.

Fantastic you have a job OP.

Your posts were hard to read.

Your husband sounds truly creepy and physically abusive.

I cannot imagine how awful it is to be touched by him.

I will get there,I know I should probably have left before now.
But the fog is lifting a little,I might not be walking out today,but I'm making steps to get to a place where I can do.

I agree with Viking about the tickling. It’s another way for him to show he has physical power over you but dressed up as ‘fun’. I’ve heard that being over tickled as a kid is something that can come up in counselling. Kids who remember being tickled until it was awful or wetting themselves. So it’s bad that he does that and doesn’t listen to you say stop.

@Chewbaccaswife

I will get there,I know I should probably have left before now. But the fog is lifting a little,I might not be walking out today,but I'm making steps to get to a place where I can do.

That awesome, OP. I'm glad to hear that the fog is lifting and that you are feeling more sure.

For us hearing about it, it sounds so horrible (and dangerous) for you that we just want to shout "get out! Leave right this second!" but we also know it is more complicated than that. You need a plan, you need a support network in place, you need access to money, you need to talk to some who can give legal advice. And you need to do all this without letting your partner know.

One warning though - as you begin to question his control and feel more like yourself, he will notice the shift in power between you, and will try to reassert it. This may take the form of being extra nice, love bombing you, suddenly making changes you've been asking him to for years, etc. It can be such an overwhelming relief, but try hard not to get too sucked in - it is a temporary control tactic, and is unlikely to last much beyond you complying again.

The other thing he may try (when niceness doesn't work) is a ramping up of force and threat. If this happens, you need to have an emergency exit strategy. Make a plan for where you should go, and pack an easily grabbable bag with essential paperwork (passport, bank account details, etc) and anything you would need from the house. Make sure you have access to money (own account into which your wages get, bank card, etc). I hope you don't need it, but if you do need to leave in a hurry, you want to be prepared.

Best of luck, OP

Thank you, I'm sure I'd say that, listening to someone else say the same!!
But I'm getting a plan together and that in its self feels quite powerful,It feels like something I'm in control of that actually feels really good.
But I'm not thinking follow the plan at all costs,If I need to get out quickly then I would just go. Hope it never comes to that,But I know I would and can if I have too.

Thank you to everyone who has commented,feeling your not alone and that someone understands and your not going crazy!! Has helped beyond measure for me to be able to look at this differently.

I have also found a counsellor in my area,offering online sessions, I have an introductory session booked in with them next week.
Onwards and upwards.from now on.

Well done op, often the first step is the hardest but the most liberating.

Just remember that his needs, such as sex, don't trump your needs, as in you don't want sex.

Withdrawing and the silent treatment is a form of abuse.

My exh sounds very much like yours in relation to sex. I actually thought I had a problem and that my lack of sex was due to me being fridged and I was 'weird'. After I left him, It actually turned out that I did like sex, just not with him.

@vikingwife has some really good posts on this thread. OP, he's abusing you. You say you don't want to take your children away because that would damage them - I promise you that being the children in the middle of an abusive relationship is far more damaging than being a single parent.

Good luck with the counselling.