Is it selfish to break a marriage up over sex?

[Winkingmermaid]

I am 35 and have been married for 16 years, dh is 11 years my senior.
Our sex life has always been rubbish, we’ve gone years at times and neither of us talk about it. It wasn’t great from the start, but we were engaged within six weeks and married within a year of meeting. Retrospectively I was too young and it was too fast - I met dh on the rebound and then just couldn’t stop it.
I’m not attracted to him at all and I never have been really (awful, I know and I feel terribly guilty) but we have two dc and so I feel as though the whole thing is my fault and I should stay as it’s selfish to break a marriage up over sex.
We don’t kiss. He’s never ever ever given me oral sex because it disgusts him. When we have had sex it’s over in minutes and follows the same routine. If I stay with him I’m saying ok, I won’t ever have sex again.
But the children are happy. How selfish would I be as a mother to say this relationship is not enough? It’s not just the sex, it’s not right in other ways too, although dh probably wouldn’t say that. He’d be devastated by the end of our marriage and probably very volatile. I’ve told myself and told myself the sex doesn’t matter really but it does. It does matter.

It isn't selfish to have needs that must be met in order for you to feel happy.

Nobody gets a medal at the end of their life for wasting it on someone that doesn't make you happy.

It absolutely matters and is not selfish at all. You have wants and needs that he just isn't fulfilling.
You are worth more than putting up with it, you deserve to be happy, and you have so much more time yet to find someone who is right for you, and he could also meet someone else who is attracted to him and would be happy without the sex.

You're too young and worth so much more than settling, and your children can grow up perfectly happy with parents who aren't together, you wont be ruining their lives.

It feels selfish because the children are happy. Dh is happy.
It’s just me that isn’t happy and I suppose part of me feels that if they are all unhappy I won’t be happy anyway.
But my marriage is deeply lacking and I suppose lockdown hasn’t highlighted this because I am incredibly lonely.

Has highlighted

You've outgrown him. That's ok. You can't sacrifice your whole life for him/some imagined idea of what the children want and need. They don't need you to be together to be happy.

There are times when selfishness is appropriate and this is one of them. You only get one life. And good sex is such a fantastic thing, why would you go without?

The younger your kids are, the easier they will adapt to the change. If you wait another 5 or 10 years it will be more distressing for them, not less.

What are the other ways things are not right? It's strange to ask if it's selfish to break up over sex when it's not the single issue.

Life's too short to never have good sex.

It sounds bloody awful.

Loads of kids have divorced parents, it's not unusual.

You wanted someone reliable after your ex, but as you said, that's a rebound effect. Those qualities can only go so far on their own.

What are the other issues (if you don't mind sharing?)

Well - we don’t do anything together, I don’t like his attitudes towards certain things (sexist and racist) and I must feel we’ve nothing in common. Not in terms of hobbies (although that too) but in terms of understanding each other.
It is true - I am not who I was when I met him. He was 30 and much more established. I feel like I was too young. I know it works for some people but I don’t feel the same person as I was then.

It's not just sex though. From your post you've lacked intimacy for years, you don't seem sexually compatible and, unless there's an update, there's not been any sign of being able to resolve these issues.

What is selfish would be anyone expecting their partner to sacrifice their happinesses just to avoid rocking the boat so everyone can have a comfy life.

My advice is that life is way to short to stay with a man you don't find attractive nor have any sex life with. You are young... you have most of your life ahead of you. Don't waste it. There are of course huge things to consider for you like your route out but you can consider and plan this part. There is not short term rush for you. I was in a similar position and waited till my children were a little older and more able to deal with it. There will come a point when you can't do it any longer. Everyone is different and has a different experience. Trust your gut instincts.

He will be very very resistant to splitting up and make it incredibly hard.

My dc are 9 and 5.

a lot of times read posts with women who never fancied the blokes they marry & seems pretty obvious they used a “good enough” bloke as a “sperm donor” to get children. This one doesn’t sound like that personally...it reads like you were have married the complete wrong person for you & don’t actually click at all. You should arguably get out now before your kids leave the nest & you are stuck with only him to keep you company.
Why do you think he would make it difficult ? How is he happy when you are so miserable ? Are you a possession to him? You say he is sexist + racist...Why would he want to continue in a sexless relationship? Is he oblivious to the issues )

He's a racist and sexist man whose idea of sex is an infrequent few thrusts into you. No wonder you don't find him attractive. Absolutely not selfish to split. Leave him and be happy and fulfilled.

I am a possession I think - first and foremostly - it isn’t just the sex that’s lacking, it’s any connection at all. I don’t know if it’s always been that way, I can’t remember. I don’t think it was like this at the start. However we have always been unequally balanced in terms of power because 19 and 30 is a big gap. 30 and 41 not so much - but at that point it was a big gap and he was established in his career etc and had partied and travelled in his 20s - whereas I just got married.
That’s my fault, not his, but it’s meant that the power has always been in his favour and he has always had the final say over things.

I have said before that I knew from early on that my mother didn't love my father. Children notice a lot more than you think. It led me to marry someone I didn't love as I thought it was normal.

Children need happy parents. Many people think staying for the children is best. My father resented us because he saw mum loved us and compared that with how she was with him.

Plus this is about more than just sex. I wouldn't want my kids around a sexist racist. I would want them to have time away from that to realise that isn't a normal view

Your children's happiness does not depend on living in a two parent household. They will be happy again in the new configuration of their family.

Why do you think you don't matter? Because you do. You do not exist just as a conduit to the happiness of others.

Everyone else will continue to be able to forge a good life after you split, and you will too.

I think it’s the older partner’s responsibility to make sure the teenager they are with has lived a bit of a life before settling down. Pretty sure most of us would not like to be held accountable for decisions made when we were in our teens.

I'm worried you think he would be volatile if you broke up. Is he abusive in any way at the moment?

I really do feel for you. It's not just sex is it though.

I don't think 30 and 41 is that different it's not an age thing - people can get along really well at vastly different ages - maybe it's just that you are not suited personality wise?

I cannot offer any advice but weigh up all the options and then go for the choice that you think is the best.

No, but he’s very used to having his own way and he has a temper.
He loves the children. They are happy and bright and doing well - it’s that that makes it so difficult for me to leave.

No what I meant was that 19 and 30 is a more significant gap than at 35 and 46 or at 30 and 41 or whenever - if both are a bit older.
But at 19 I wasn’t really mature enough to make the decision. I’m sure some people are, but I wasn’t.

I’d say if sex was literally the only thing you weren’t happy about, it would be the least you could do to try really really hard to address the problem with DH via counselling etc. before you decided to walk away. But that’s clearly not the case - you’re unhappy in other ways, you don’t feel an emotional connection etc. So do yourself a favour and don’t tell yourself it’s only sex. Because it’s not.

No - I suppose the sex is part and parcel of it.
Even if dh announced he wanted sex it now feels weird and uncomfortable. It’s too intimate. I don’t feel I can be that intimate with him. We haven’t had sex in over a year as it is.