Is it selfish to break a marriage up over sex?

[Winkingmermaid]

I am 35 and have been married for 16 years, dh is 11 years my senior.
Our sex life has always been rubbish, we’ve gone years at times and neither of us talk about it. It wasn’t great from the start, but we were engaged within six weeks and married within a year of meeting. Retrospectively I was too young and it was too fast - I met dh on the rebound and then just couldn’t stop it.
I’m not attracted to him at all and I never have been really (awful, I know and I feel terribly guilty) but we have two dc and so I feel as though the whole thing is my fault and I should stay as it’s selfish to break a marriage up over sex.
We don’t kiss. He’s never ever ever given me oral sex because it disgusts him. When we have had sex it’s over in minutes and follows the same routine. If I stay with him I’m saying ok, I won’t ever have sex again.
But the children are happy. How selfish would I be as a mother to say this relationship is not enough? It’s not just the sex, it’s not right in other ways too, although dh probably wouldn’t say that. He’d be devastated by the end of our marriage and probably very volatile. I’ve told myself and told myself the sex doesn’t matter really but it does. It does matter.

35 is young enough to easily start again. The sex sounds grim. Your DH can still be a good father if you separate and Barbedbloom makes some good points if you are only considering your children's well-being.

As he's "very volatile" (whatever that means) I would get some legal advice first and get some clarity and confidence on what your practical options are going to be.

OP you have been honest and open that the relationship does not work because of the lack of intimacy. Reading some of the threads on MN relationship threads, between the lines it is obvious that that there has been another reason for the relationship breakdown i e sex and after all when partners break up and find a new one it is probably sex that is the first bonding issue.

You are too young to have a life of misery time to start again. Good luck.

From MN, you'll see lots of posts from people in a relationship where they are sexually incompatible. If both want broadly same amount/type of sex then great, if a couple both don't want to have sex that's great for them too.

However, if you are incompatible then move on when there is still time, it's VERY unlikely to change. It's good that you realize that it will not be easy.

Honestly OP you are way too young to wilt away like this.

With that age gap and looking at how old you were when you met/married I can imagine he used your naivety to his advantage many times - I'm not saying in any way that you are not intelligent or dim by the way just purely someone at 30 would have masses of life experience/career experience vs someone who hasn't even hit 20s and they would know how to use it! What made him want to settle down so fast with you?

My DH is 9 years older than me and I met him at a similar age to you however he has always been extremely considerate and double and triple checked I was never at a disadvantage and included in all decision making (later down the line when we were serious) and he never used his potential advantage to trump me in any way shape or form.

He doesn't sound like a nice person at all.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Why did you marry him, was it his idea? Abusive men often target younger inexperienced women as they're easier to manipulate.

He will be very very resistant to splitting up and make it incredibly hard.

He may surprise you. I was 35 when I realised my marriage wasn't going to last the distance but I hung on, partly out of fear of his reaction, partly out of wanting to do the right thing by our child.

I left a couple of months before my 41st birthday and by God I wish I'd done it sooner. It wasn't fun but XH waa nowhere near as difficult as I'd imagined he would be.

Don't waste any more time, you just don't know what you are going to be faced with in the future. If you can do it now, then do it.

He was very keen to get married. He asked me within about two weeks. I was flattered I suppose - my fault again I know. He said why wait.

You initially asked if its selfish to break up due to sex. Purely for sex, i would say no its not good enough for a man or a woman to break up their family for that IF they have children they must try harder. An open relation would be best.

He’d never agree to an open relationship - a man smiled at me once when I was with dh and without thinking I smiled back and he wasn’t happy about that.

Sounds like you outgrew the relationship and now that you matured you have perhaps a new perspective with different views. A 19 year olds view of the world is so different than a 30 odd.

Sorry i keep wanting to say more..
There is also a creepy element of pursuing you when you were a teen.. at a vulnerable age and just becoming an adult.. i know sex is allowed from 16 in the uk and in italy for example 14... but you were actually really young and a baby in the 'real world'. It's a tough decision when you have children but your updates definitely show this is more than shit sex which judging by the recent thread(s?) is sadly all too often. Right, i shall pipe down now! Good luck op. X

What is the alternative OP?
You sacrifice the next what?.... 15, 20, 30 years of your life?
You remain unhappy, unloved, unfulfilled, to keep everyone else happy?
Can you seriously imagine another 2 decades like this?
NOPE!
Life is far far too short for that kind of 'sacrifice'
You deserve happiness too.
My DSis died at 47!
Don't do this to yourself.
Don't be a martyr.
Life is to be lived.
Live it - please!

My parents also had a completely sexless and incompatible relationship and stayed together just for me. I too was seemingly happy, bright and doing well. The older I got, the more acutely aware I was that their relationship was just not normal. I may have grown up with fabulous school grades but I have very odd issues with sex and relationships. Do them, and yourself, a favour and start over now whilst you can....making things with DH as amicable as possible. He sounds like the type who perhaps could see value in a "Business Relationship" situation of professionalism.

Winkingmermaid

I could have written your post word for word.....almost!

We met when we were both 19 married at 25. 3 weeks ago I decided enough was enough and I left :( Told him I was not happy and that I needed to be on my own. We have to DD 19 and 16 who have stayed with him :(

He is utterly devastated as are our kids and myself but......yes you deserve happiness, fulfilment, sex (if that's what you need) and you shouldn't be sacrificing your own happiness for anyone else.

It was and is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I am struggling emotionally but.....I know that I have done the right thing.

You sound like you have just outgrown him ie what you needed when you were 19 is not what you need now at 35 :( and that's ok people change.

Could you sit him down and tell him how you feel maybe?

He didn't like it that you smiled at a man once?

I'm not hearing anything nice about this man tbh.

To any outsider its a mystery why you're with him at all.

It’s hard because he tells me he adores me and that I’m his world and he asks me a lot how much I love him and I have to say to infinity else he presses me on it. He asks if I love him as much as I used to and tells me he loves me more everyday. There’s a lot of words.

No - I just smiled back instrinctively but knew straight away dh wasn’t happy. I think the man was just being pleasant. I mean I was clearly with my partner.

You should be able to end a relationship for anything that makes you unhappy.

My last relationship didn’t feature sex, we never had sex, I don’t have sex for the first 3/4 months of a relationship, it was only after that I discovered he would never have sex with me. Weirdly I stayed for a while longer (he also then turned into an abusive twat).

You sound like a bird in a cage, OP.

He sounds absolutely AWFUL
Please just make plans and leave him. He'll have to get used to it.

He loves the children. I think he loves me in the way he can.
It’s just not enough - but would it be worse if I left and lost the children half the time as well? I don’t know.

OP does he often say things are your fault? Because your posts consistenty say things are your fault that actually I dont think they are. I think he pushed and coerced a 19 year old into a path they were never sure they wanted and now is keeping you there.

Your children need a happy mother - and not one who constantly walks on eggshells to keep their father happy - do they do that too

Makes you tell him how much you love him, proposed within 2 weeks when you were only 19 and he was 11 years your senior.

Racist, sexist, nothing in common, no intimacy - is that the future relationship you want for your DC because that is what they are learning about Male and female roles in marriage...

OP, he is quite domineering, isn't he? He snapped you up when you were too young to know any better and the dynamic of older man/younger woman can often rely on an unequal power balance. Now you're older, you feel it more. It's worrying that you say he has "a temper" you have to tiptoe around as if it's normal - it isn't really - is it directed at you often? At the kids?

Is the dynamic between you one you would want your dc to emulate in their futures?

Lack of sex is the least of your problems in this horrible marriage.