Is it selfish to break a marriage up over sex?

[Winkingmermaid]

I am 35 and have been married for 16 years, dh is 11 years my senior.
Our sex life has always been rubbish, we’ve gone years at times and neither of us talk about it. It wasn’t great from the start, but we were engaged within six weeks and married within a year of meeting. Retrospectively I was too young and it was too fast - I met dh on the rebound and then just couldn’t stop it.
I’m not attracted to him at all and I never have been really (awful, I know and I feel terribly guilty) but we have two dc and so I feel as though the whole thing is my fault and I should stay as it’s selfish to break a marriage up over sex.
We don’t kiss. He’s never ever ever given me oral sex because it disgusts him. When we have had sex it’s over in minutes and follows the same routine. If I stay with him I’m saying ok, I won’t ever have sex again.
But the children are happy. How selfish would I be as a mother to say this relationship is not enough? It’s not just the sex, it’s not right in other ways too, although dh probably wouldn’t say that. He’d be devastated by the end of our marriage and probably very volatile. I’ve told myself and told myself the sex doesn’t matter really but it does. It does matter.

I feel very guilty about the idea of ending it, and also it’s not all been bad.
I’m really torn. I think without the children I wouldn’t be torn, but they are my main concern obviously.

Ended my last relationship over lack of sex . We weren’t married and I have dc from a previous relationship not with him so I appreciate tour break up will be more complicated .

it’s no way to live Though so There is no way I’d stay and no you wouldn’t be being selfish

Your not tour

You do not need to ask if you can go anywhere, he is not your father and you a child, he is not the boss of you....

You should be able to say where you reasonably want to go, and not be concerned there will be an argument.

Forget how he would feel, concentrate on exploring your feelings and all the options...take him out of the equasion until you know what you want to do...

But it's never 'all bad'. If a relationship was 24/7 abuse it'd be easy to leave and abusers know this. That's why they put themselves out to do just enough to keep their victim confused and 'placated'. That's what makes it so hard and so conflicting to leave.

And that's why you have to be able to look forward and visualize a life away from him. A life of making your own decisions without fear. A home of peace and calm. A home with no tiptoeing around someone's moods in fear and feeling 'off balance' in your decision-making.

You poor thing. I would say for the sex alone, yes. If that's important to you. You deserve a fulfilling sexual relationship. However, you are young! Your relationship sounds awful. I know no relationship is perfect but imagine sacrificing your life so someone doesn't get angry with you. You only have one life and as you get into your 40s things move quickly. My mum always planned on "doing more" and enjoying herself again - next thing she had a stroke at 60 and has been left extremely unwell. Please please please enjoy your life whilst you can. It's not too late to even enjoy some of the things you missed out on as a younger woman - my sisters and I go to music festivals and girlie holidays all the time and we are in our mid and late 30s. From the little you've said it doesn't sound like "abusive" in a traditional sense but the power imbalance is not normal. He sounds more like he's your dad. I do not ask my partner for "permission" to do anything! I don't think you realise how strange that is. Of course you're considerate of each other and we don't have children which makes things easier, but even then it's a - I'm going for a long weekend in June - not "can I". Also the disgust at going down on you - alarm bells. Please think of yourself. A healthy dose of "selfishness" is essential for survival and I think it's used as a stick to beat women with to get them to be self sacrificing Martyrs. And - FYI - your children will know and be learning that this is what a relationship is. Sending love and strength. X

If I stay with him I’m saying ok, I won’t ever have sex again.
But the children are happy. How selfish would I be as a mother to say this relationship is not enough? It’s not just the sex, it’s not right in other ways too, although dh probably wouldn’t say that. He’d be devastated by the end of our marriage and probably very volatile.

Your children will not thank you for wasting your life. It will impact them too. Do the brave thing and LIVE- although I know first hand how hard that is.

Have you tried counselling, for you, not both of you, he shouldn't bother with that as he's abusive but also because he won't change. My DH isn't abusive at all, but his inability to talk about any important issues unless he's drunk and him constantly looking to me for mothering him, those things are just him, he can't change, it's cruel of me to ask him to.
If you had counselling, even just the free 6 weeks NHS, it might help you see that it's OK to go, that guilt is just a bit pointless.. Might give you the strength to move in, I had 12 weeks leading up to finally telling DH, it did give me strength. We were having couples counselling too which helped both of us. It felt like someone gave me permission to be selfish, happy, not a martyr anymore. Once I recognised that I was just trying to placate and please everyone, I started to feel strong enough to say what I really felt.

this thread is going round in circles

Your still very much a young woman wasting your time with an old codger who's probably old before his time. Do you want this in another 10 years or another 10 years after that? Get out this now and let someone love you with a passion. The feeling of being wanted and desired has got to be better than the mundane drudgery your living now. Get out as soon as possible.

I just wanted to add that my mum stayed with an emotionally abusive partner when myself and my siblings were young to "keep us in a nice house" and all the other trappings.

From the age of about 7 or 8 I noticed that there was a lower imbalance. His moods were crept around. Kids notice so much more than you think.

When I was a young teen I would yearn for a crap flat in a rough area - if it was just me and mum (siblings had left by then).

I even found one in the paper. I used to visualise how we would decorate it, I mapped out the bus route to get to school, all I wanted was a happy mum, me and her together, no matter how little money, I didn't care.

She never left him.

Once all the children left home she was late fifties and said openly they were too old to start again. It's very very sad.

Don't "stay together for the kids". Just don't.