Is it selfish to break a marriage up over sex?

[Winkingmermaid]

I am 35 and have been married for 16 years, dh is 11 years my senior.
Our sex life has always been rubbish, we’ve gone years at times and neither of us talk about it. It wasn’t great from the start, but we were engaged within six weeks and married within a year of meeting. Retrospectively I was too young and it was too fast - I met dh on the rebound and then just couldn’t stop it.
I’m not attracted to him at all and I never have been really (awful, I know and I feel terribly guilty) but we have two dc and so I feel as though the whole thing is my fault and I should stay as it’s selfish to break a marriage up over sex.
We don’t kiss. He’s never ever ever given me oral sex because it disgusts him. When we have had sex it’s over in minutes and follows the same routine. If I stay with him I’m saying ok, I won’t ever have sex again.
But the children are happy. How selfish would I be as a mother to say this relationship is not enough? It’s not just the sex, it’s not right in other ways too, although dh probably wouldn’t say that. He’d be devastated by the end of our marriage and probably very volatile. I’ve told myself and told myself the sex doesn’t matter really but it does. It does matter.

I think only you yourself will be able to work through all your issues,and decide if you can continue with your marriage. If you are truly unhappy about a lot of things,and thinking about the future,what will the future be like,if things stay the same.

You perhaps feel safe in the family unit,with two happy children, but not being attracted to your Husband, and any lack of intimacy ,is not a good way to be living together. He sounds quite dominant too, so another worrying issue.

First off it would not be selfish to break up a marriage over sex. Sex is a big part of a relationship and you are entitled to not want to spend your life with someone you don’t want intimacy with.

Secondly it’s about far more than sex. You’ve said he’s racist and sexist, you don’t share a worldview and you have nothing in common. He also sounds controlling. In short you are not compatible.

You aren’t obliged to spend the rest of your life with someone who makes you miserable out of responsibility to your children. Yes their needs should be considered and yes you need to handle it sensitively. But children survive divorce.

age 21 my ds1 dad was 32. I remember my dad yelling at him-oh come on,your 32,youve been around the block....and thinking he was being a twat. by time i was age 32,we'd split,sadly my dad had passed,fortunately we'd sorted elfs enough out son didnt suffer.....i vividly remember actually REALISING what my daddy meant tho.
children arent mistakes..even the shittiest of relationships require more than 1 person.
You get one life,Do whatchu believe to be right for you and your kids. I still 100%believe-if mammy isni happy...nobody at home will be.
waiting til theyre both grown isni doing you or them favours,twatty or not,yer fella wont thank you for it either.
i know plenty folk whos parents split when they were adults that reacted baadly.believe in your own worth.mind your back n keep it real.If all hes good fors disappointment i assure you-walking away wont guarantee they stop

OP, its a pity that your parents did not advise you not to get married at that stage. I know if it was me and one of my daughters I would have been putting major road blocks in their way.

Perhaps they did and you did not listen.

Anyway, I am usually reluctant to recommend a split up but i think, considering what you have said here that you should look to seperate - i see very little chance of you living a happy marriage with him in the future.

wheretonow is right. 19 is FAR too young to get married. The fact your parents endorsed it didn’t set you a great example.

His temper is sometimes directed at me but it’s rare. Same with the children. I don’t know how often is normal in ‘normal’ families - it perhaps happens once a month? And is quite short lived. Just some shouting and sometimes kicking stuff. But mainly just shouting. My parents were never like that but I’ve friends who say they row so I don’t think it’s uncommon. It’s not a row so much as he loses he temper and we wait for it to blow over.
He is in charge, it has always been so. I do wonder - looking back - if subconsciously he chose someone younger and more malleable and my personality is such that I don’t like confrontation and will try to smooth the waters even if I’m not at fault.

You have my vote to leave. I grew up in a loveless marriage household. No shouting, but lots of silence. It wasn't good.

Does he have any redeeming qualities? Equal in household chores, child care, etc.? Are your DC picking up on his racism, sexism, etc.? Do you all have fun as a family?

I am imagine you would be a lot more carefree and happy mum if you left. Don’t wait until its the final straw.

It sounds like sex us the side issue here. He doesn’t sound very nice.

It won’t be a bed of roses OP. Sometimes people say leave like it’s easy to do and all will be well in the world. You have to be prepared that it won’t be. You have to be comfortable that you can live on your own and be able to financially manage. Whatever people say about kids being happier with two happy parents, that can be true but they can also go through some really tough times along the journey. Dating is a minefield too. So many knobheads.

I think from what you have said, leaving is worth the risk for you but it is an emotional rollercoaster and needs a lot of inner strength so you need to be well prepared.

I don’t mean this to be nasty but you’re being naive if you think your children don’t pick on this and at least know on a subconscious level things aren’t all ok between you and your husband.

Once a month shouting and kicking things is a volatile environment and that will be damaging to the children. How old are they?

I grew up with a mum and dad who were only together because of us, my mum never really realised that there was also an underlying atmosphere and I’ve grown up with a skewed idea of what a relationship should look like. It will be shaping how your children see what a healthy relationship looks like and they will be taking it all in and learning from it every day. Believe me they will know, you cannot hide it.

Ditch him, split your time with the kids then go out and shag yourself silly. You're in your prime. Don't waste your life. Also - once you've had a guy go down on you properly you'll never put up with some weirdo who's disgusted by it ever again. Trust me

It’s not a row so much as he loses he temper and we wait for it to blow over.

That's called 'walking on eggshells' and I'll bet you walk on those eggshells a lot more often than just when he's lost his temper.

That type of behaviour is abusive. There's nothing 'wrong' with a heated 'row' (ie exchange of differing views), but a one-sided lost temper whilst the rest of the household 'hides' until it's over is wrong.

If you carefully re-read your posts you'll see that you've named quite a few reasons to end this marriage, an unsatisfactory sex life being the least of them.

You say he won't let go easily. Well, would you rather have a difficult next 3 years (if it takes that long) and then be happy or would you rather spend the next 30 years as unhappy as you are now?

"It's better to be alone than to be wishing you were!"

Also in reply to * It’s not a row so much as he loses he temper and we wait for it to blow over.
He is in charge, it has always been so. I do wonder - looking back - if subconsciously he chose someone younger and more malleable and my personality is such that I don’t like confrontation and will try to smooth the waters even if I’m not at fault.*

He will certainly have chosen you for this reason, whether consciously or unconsciously. You were someone who would be submissive to him, who he could control who wouldn’t disagree with him. Actually your description of yourself is exactly like my mother - and my dad has always taken advantage of her for that. And I always noticed that from a young age.

I have so much guilt from knowing my mum only stayed with him because she felt we (children) were happy and she didn’t want to put us through a divorce. I grew up thinking it was my fault she was unhappy.

I hope it helps to see it from my perspective anyway You deserve so much better, and so do your children.

Being loved and wanted and with someone who is your companion in life is important.

Sex in a relationship is important unless you both aren’t bothered by it.

Your children will know you’re marriage isn’t right and they’re probably anxious about it, you just haven’t noticed as it’s your normal.

Being divorced and single bringing up children is hard.

Do you have your own income would you manage to run a household on your own financially?

Your husband may not want to have children over so you may not have time to yourself again till your dc are much older. Do you have friends and family who will rally around and help you?

Would you want another relationships, dating is hard. Would you be happy being on your own for a bit just you enjoying life with your dc?

I personally would walk away in your instance, but sec isn’t the only issue here. You don’t like him which seems to have developed from the fact he’s not considerate of you.
You sound a bit frightened that he’d be ‘volatile’ if you decided to leave him. That concerns me.

Before leaving rally around support and help and make sure you’re safe.

He’d be very very angry if I left him. That’s default in any instance where he’s hurt.
It would turn unpleasant very quickly.
During lockdown he’s not so much as offered to make me a drink. That’s pretty typical - in all the time we’ve been together he’s never cooked a meal or anything like that. I feel generally uncared for - I suppose that’s why I don’t want to sleep with him.

This isnt any form of relationship and I suspect your children arent as happy as you make out either because he probably isnt that great a Dad either

Do you have family

Yes, and we could go and stay with them if we had to, but it seems so traumatic for the children.

I don’t think they know anything is ‘wrong’ - especially my younger dc.

Dh is ok day to day, it is just the odd flashes of temper and there are some things he won’t let me do, such as stop at a friend’s overnight or get the train after dark or go to big cities without him. Those sorts of things.

I’d say if sex was literally the only thing you weren’t happy about, it would be the least you could do to try really really hard to address the problem with DH via counselling etc. before you decided to walk away. But that’s clearly not the case - you’re unhappy in other ways, you don’t feel an emotional connection etc. So do yourself a favour and don’t tell yourself it’s only sex. Because it’s not.

^ this is some of the best advice I've seen here for ages!

gosh he sounds horrible. To pick up on one thing you said: It’s not a row so much as he loses he temper and we wait for it to blow over.

This is not healthy or normal. It's normal for people who live together and love each other to be annoyed or irritated with each other. So yes, everyone rows if by that you mean everyone has to deal with disagreements or annoyances sometimes.

But as a therapist once told me, the most important thing in a relationship is to learn how to argue respectfully and honestly with each other. Losing your temper and having everyone else in the house hide until you are done is not a good way to be dealing with anger or irritation.

For instance: When my DH and I are annoyed or cross with each other, we might snip at each other and huff about a bit. But then within about five minutes the other will say "You look upset. Are you? Do you want to talk about it?" Then we go into another room, away from our kid, and we talk it out, apologise if necessary or ask for some time alone, and then get over it.

The idea of one person just blowing up and everyone else trying to get out the way or just survive that person's anger... that's not healthy.

all of which is to say: you are not happy, this is not a good marriage, and that's a perfectly good reason to end it. Your kids will still have two parents who love them and look after them. It might be hard in the short term, but in the long term it will be worth it.

It's not selfish. It's the right thing to do. You arent happy and your children will pick up on tht eventually and in their heads this will be their model of a marriage... would you want either of your kids to stay in a marriage which made them that unhappy? Or a friend even? I'm sure the advice you would give is that life is too short and wanting an intimate relationship that satisfies your needs is not selfish it's a natural human instinct.

Dh is ok day to day, it is just the odd flashes of temper and there are some things he won’t let me do, such as stop at a friend’s overnight or get the train after dark or go to big cities without him. Those sorts of things

That’s not ok, that’s controlling.

Does he do any of these things himself ?

“all of which is to say: you are not happy, this is not a good marriage, and that's a perfectly good reason to end it. Your kids will still have two parents who love them and look after them. It might be hard in the short term, but in the long term it will be worth it.”

This.

I think your parents really let you down. And I think your H deliberately chose a considerably younger partner because he wanted someone he could push around. It’s time to right those wrongs.

I married my husband very young and have a bigger age gap than you. It never felt like we had a power imbalance in our relationship. My husband did have more financial power but he never abused it. It’s not normal for a man to have his way just because his wife is young. Nor would he presume to tell me where I could and couldn’t go, shout at me or get angry at me for smiling at a man. It’s not normal. He seems very abusive.

Jeez, he sounds worse and worse!

You say 'he's ok day to day'. Really? I really think you need to stop and think about how often you (and DC) tailor your behaviour to avoid upsetting/angering him. Think hard. I'll give you a couple to start you off. You won't go overnight to a friend's. You won't go into the city without him. I'm sure you can think of 1000 other things, some tiny some huge, that you and the DC 'don't do' because of him.

This kind of emotional manipulation (getting people to tiptoe around 'moods' as a method of control) is insidious. It creeps into your behaviour slowly as a 'self protection' reflex. You think you're behaving in a way you wish to because you don't like his anger. In reality you're behaving in the way he wants you to in order to control you and get his own way. Eventually it becomes your 'default', an automatic reflex. It then colours everything you do and say.

You say if you left he'd be 'very angry'. Listen, I've made my DH angry in the past that's just life, he's made me angry too. But I have never, EVER been afraid of his anger or of him. I haven't liked it, sure, but I've never been afraid. What exactly is it that you're afraid of him doing in this anger? Naming your fear is halfway to conquering it.

If you have a place to go, I suggest you make plans.